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Headline Review

by cima
16 replies
Hi There,

I'm french, 17, and I'm just about to launch my forex strategy... As you can guess, writing an effective sale page for a person whom first language is not english, is kinda hard !

Anyway, would you mind giving me your opinion concerning my headline :

"« 17 Years Old Forex Trader Breaks Silence To Reveal The Unseen Forex Method He Developed To Make Insane $5230 In Only 4 Little Days With An Amazingly Low Starting Capital And Without Risking His Shirt One Single Time ! »"

Thank you very very much !

Cheers, Samuel.
#headline #review
  • Profile picture of the author Bill Jeffels
    That's too long. Break it up.... like this.

    "17 Year old Forex Trader Reveals
    How He Made $5432
    In only 4 days"

    Here's how I developed a secret
    No Risk forex method that
    makes you money even if you
    have low starting capital


    Still check out the new FTC guide lines.

    Hope that helps.

    Bill Jeffels
    Signature
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    • Profile picture of the author lenlatimer
      I Agree - way to long. Here are some examples I pulled out of my Copy-In-A-Box (see link below) that might help you.

      Frenchman Dares To Reveal a Forex Trading Secret That Your Broker Doesn't Want You To Know.

      Here's The Quickest & Easiest Way For You To Succeed In Forex Trading

      Learn The Amazing New Forex Trading Secret Discovered By a Young Frenchman

      Or if you want to first build a list:


      WARNING: Do Not Try Another Forex Trading System Until You Get This FREE Report!
      Signature

      Len Latimer
      Copy-In-A-Box, an amazing Word Add-in Tool that adds Dazzle & Personality to your copy. My WSO

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  • Profile picture of the author rodie151
    Yeah, it's confusing, keep it direct and to the point, i.e

    "Learn how 17 year forex trader made $5432 in 4 days.

    Be prepared to back those claims up though.
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    • Profile picture of the author cima
      Hey Again,

      Thank you very much for your answers !
      Concerning the FTC guide lines, can I use a title where I mention an amount of money if I provide the exact proofs ?

      Thanks Again,

      Samuel.
      Signature
      My Brand New Forex Trading System :
      www.UltimateForexTradingMethod.com

      And My Forex Review Blog : www.UltimateForexReview.com
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      • Profile picture of the author Chris_Custer
        If it was me, I'd spice it up a bit and twist your results into a benefit for your reader. Make them believe THEY can make $5432 in 4 days. Here's an example:

        "How A Barely-Old-Enough-To-Shave 17 Year Old Kid Ignorned Everything The "Grown-Ups" Teach...And Accidently Discovered The Amazing Secret Forex Strategy To Making $5432 In Only 4 Days...Especially If You're Broke And You've Never Traded A Day In Your Life!"

        Something like that. You get the idea. By the way, your first headline wasn't bad at all. Good job.
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  • Profile picture of the author MarkAndrews IMCopywriting
    [DELETED]
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    • Profile picture of the author Hugh Thyer
      I dont believe your age is a selling point.

      To me it screams no experience, no background and no credibility.

      I certainly wouldnt base my financial strategy on the back of a kid who's too young to vote or drink.
      Signature

      Ever wondered how copywriters work with their clients? I've answered that very question in detail-> www.salescomefirst.com
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      • Profile picture of the author Dean Dhuli
        Originally Posted by Hugh Thyer View Post

        I dont believe your age is a selling point.

        To me it screams no experience, no background and no credibility.

        I certainly wouldnt base my financial strategy on the back of a kid who's too young to vote or drink.
        You're right. The age is not a selling point by itself.

        Neither is the $5k in 4 days.

        But both of these will get the reader to read past the headline
        and this is where the OP has to build credibility really fast.

        For instance, one of the questions that need to be answered IMMEDIATELY
        is :

        Was this $5k in 4 days a fluke, or does this guy have a track record
        of pulling off similar returns on a consistent basis?

        Start by answering to this question and then take it from there.


        Hope that helps,

        Dean.
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  • Profile picture of the author DougBarger
    ATTENTION Trader: Discover How Easy...

    New Breakthrough Forex Method Makes "Kid" $5,230 in First 4 Days...Now It's Your Turn!

    or

    New Breakthrough Forex Method Makes "Kid" $5,230 in First 4 Days...Now It's Yours!
    Signature

    => Click Here Now to Get Step-by-Step Automated Profits Coaching 100% Guaranteed!
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  • Profile picture of the author Chris_Custer
    Personally, I think your age is relevant because it's your hook. It helps create curiosity in the reader to find out more. (the whole point of the headline).

    It's your ad's job to convince them to trust a 17 year old. Not your headline's.

    And as far as headline length goes, copywriters have been playing tug-of-war over that for eons.

    I come down on the side of whatever works. Sometimes it's a short one. Sometimes it's a long one. Just make it interesting with a BIG promise.
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    • Profile picture of the author MarkAndrews IMCopywriting
      [DELETED]
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      • Profile picture of the author Chris_Custer
        Originally Posted by MarkAndrews IMCopywriting View Post

        The purpose of the headline is to get
        the reader to read the first sentence.

        I advocate keeping the first sentence
        very short as it leads the reader down
        into the sales copy and to read the
        second sentence.

        It's important ...
        Your post is quite a mouthful.

        You're exactly right when it comes to the UK market.

        Other markets differ.

        To each his own. The old long headline, short headline argument is a little stale to me. John Carlton rocks with long headlines. Ted Nicholas is the master of 17 words or less.

        Again, whatever works.
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    • Profile picture of the author Raydal
      Originally Posted by Chris_Custer View Post

      Personally, I think your age is relevant because it's your hook. It helps create curiosity in the reader to find out more. (the whole point of the headline).

      It's your ad's job to convince them to trust a 17 year old. Not your headline's.

      And as far as headline length goes, copywriters have been playing tug-of-war over that for eons.

      I come down on the side of whatever works. Sometimes it's a short one. Sometimes it's a long one. Just make it interesting with a BIG promise.
      I should really just delete your name Chris and put mines because those
      are my very thoughts. (17 Words!)

      -Ray Edwards
      Signature
      The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
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  • Profile picture of the author Steve Faber
    Revealed for the 1st Time -
    "Exactly How a 17yr Old Made $5,432 in Only 4 Days!"

    I would be both specific and vague at the same time. Be a bit vague about how he did it. It creates curiosity the reader wants to satisfy. Why tell them he did it with forex right up front? Get them to read the ad for that.
    Signature
    For Killer Marketing Tips that Will Grow Your Business Follow Me on Twitter Now
    After all, you're probably following a few hundred people already that aren't doing squat for you.....
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  • Profile picture of the author johnthep2009
    Hi

    I uploaded one but it can not display. What is problem?

    How can I repair?


    Rgs
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  • Profile picture of the author amber1210
    I agree. It is very long. It seems like a run-on sentence. If you break it up into tiny chunks, people are likely to keep reading. Whenever I run across long explanations, I tend to quit reading and just skip to the bottom to see what the catch is.
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  • Profile picture of the author Mtkent
    I agree with Mark Andrews and Bill Jeffels completely. Your original is way too long. Mark has given you some great headlines in his post. You can also try things like: Newbie, Rookie, Brand New. If it were me I would try and stay away from the age thing until maybe right before the close. In my opinion alot of potential customers might go away before even reading you sales copy because of the "YOUNG" scenario. It might not seem believable until after they have read the copy and you have them ready to buy.
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    • Profile picture of the author Hugh Thyer
      Thanks Dean!

      If someone can make $5k in only 4 days at very little risk then perhaps there is another, more powerful hook.

      Of course, this thread is at least a week old so I guess it's now $8k in 11 days. Unless it was a fluke...
      Signature

      Ever wondered how copywriters work with their clients? I've answered that very question in detail-> www.salescomefirst.com
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