Which copy do you prefer? A or B?

10 replies
This is to go in a mailer/newsletter:

Option A:

Why not make the most of an exclusive chalet, just for your family and friends? You can now savour a special case of Burgundy and/or Bordeaux wines when you book a whole chalet. Enjoy this premium wine on every day of your holiday (with delicious chalet evening meals on 6 days for adults and 7 for children). Call us to pre-order your case of six for only £99 and it'll be waiting for you on arrival.

Option B:

Complement your delicious cuisine with fine wine on every night of your holiday. We provide 6 delicious chalet evening meals for adults while children are catered with 7 high teas. For a truly memorable experience, why not treat friends and loved ones to a special case of Burgundy and/or Bordeaux wines? Upgrade for as little as £99 per case of six by calling us on XXXXXX.
#copy #prefer
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  • Profile picture of the author King Manu
    B is the least bad, in my opinion. But I would still change a lot in it. And by a lot, I mean every sentence.

    For example, the use of "and/or". It's ugly, it doesn't serve any purpose and it needs to be thrown out the window after being set on fire.

    Anyone knows they can get both wines, no need to emphasize it. If you want to state that they can get a mix of both wines, you can tell it in a better way.
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    • Profile picture of the author Ben Perryman
      Thanks King Manu for your feedback. I was leaning more towards 'B' myself.

      What else would you suggest to improve the paragraph?

      I've tinkered with the paragraph ever so slightly:

      Complement your delicious cuisine with fine wine on each night of your holiday. We provide 6 delicious chalet evening meals with house wine for adults while children are catered with 7 high teas. For a truly memorable experience, you can treat friends and loved ones to a special case of Burgundy and/or Bordeaux wines. Upgrade for as little as £99 per case of six by calling us on XXXXXXX.
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  • Profile picture of the author Frank Donovan
    We don't yet know enough about the prospects or your specific involvement to offer any useful advice about email copy.

    Are you part of the same operation behind the chalet rental, or do you simply have access to their database? That information matters because it tells us about any existing relationship you have with the subscribers.

    Have these prospects already committed to the rental - it's a little unclear from your emails whether they've already booked or not. Again, that's going to affect the tone and content of any attempted upsell.

    Finally, what do you know about the prospects - demographics, nationalities, wealth, repeat renters etc.? The more you know about them, the more you can match your email pitch to your prospects' preferences.
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    • Profile picture of the author Ben Perryman
      This email is going to people who have not yet booked a holiday with us.

      As part of our package, anyone who books with us gets flights, transfers, the chalet, half board meals and house wine included in the price. This case I wrote about above is an upgrade for £99 which isn't included in the standard package price.

      Our subscribers are wealthy families (must have children) generally in wealthy areas of the UK (especially in and around London). It's usually the mothers who plan the holiday and the fathers who pay (often with high paying jobs such as lawyers, bankers etc). The mums who are likely to read the email are often trendy sort of mums.
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      • Profile picture of the author Frank Donovan
        Originally Posted by Ben Perryman View Post

        This email is going to people who have not yet booked a holiday with us.
        OK, thanks for the info. To be honest, I'd sell them on the holiday first before offering any upgrade. Talking about spending another £99 (even to wealthy families) before they've committed to the deal is likely to put them off the whole idea.
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        • Profile picture of the author Ben Perryman
          No worries, thanks for the help and suggestions.

          I was actually going to send another separate email to those who have booked a holiday with us already. This wine upgrade option is only available to those who have booked a chalet all to themselves (i.e they're not sharing the property with other families).

          I was wondering what you honestly think of the copy I've written below and if you have any recommendations to improve it?

          Hi %FIRSTNAME%

          We hope you're excited for your [name of company] holiday!

          Complement your delicious cuisine with fine wine on each night of your holiday. For a truly memorable experience, you can treat friends and loved ones to a special case of Burgundy and/or Bordeaux wines. Upgrade for as little as £99 per case of six by calling us on XXXXXX.

          Offer exclusive to whole chalet bookings.

          Santé!
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          • Profile picture of the author DABK
            How is this an upgrade?

            I mean, you say special, but special is insufficient.

            I do not like the idea of upgrade.

            When you upgrade from second to first class, people know (or think they know) what's going on.

            In your case, getting 6 bottles of special wine could be anything.

            In your case, I would go with the idea of heightening pleasure / enhancing experience, not upgrading.

            Upgrading is too pedestrian, these are refined folk who knew to book one of your chalets all to themselves, after all!



            Originally Posted by Ben Perryman View Post

            No worries, thanks for the help and suggestions.

            I was actually going to send another separate email to those who have booked a holiday with us already. This wine upgrade option is only available to those who have booked a chalet all to themselves (i.e they're not sharing the property with other families).

            I was wondering what you honestly think of the copy I've written below and if you have any recommendations to improve it?

            Hi %FIRSTNAME%

            We hope you're excited for your [name of company] holiday!

            Complement your delicious cuisine with fine wine on each night of your holiday. For a truly memorable experience, you can treat friends and loved ones to a special case of Burgundy and/or Bordeaux wines. Upgrade for as little as £99 per case of six by calling us on XXXXXX.

            Offer exclusive to whole chalet bookings.

            Santé!
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  • Profile picture of the author Kay King
    As I understand it (could be wrong) the chalet, meals, high tea, etc are part of a basic vacation package...


    and this 'upgrade' adds 6 bottles of wine for abour $120US? It would be an upgrade I would 'offer' rather than 'sell'. Chances are you are dealing with customers who know something about wines and would want to know more about the wines offered - or would want to choose from a list of available wines.


    If the meals and chalet are part of the initial package - no need to resell those when offering additional 'options'.


    Make sense?
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  • Profile picture of the author WF- Enzo
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    Option B sounds imperative and straight.

    "Complement your delicious cuisine with fine wine..." is one of the best opening statements I've read, IMO.

    Originally Posted by Ben Perryman View Post

    This is to go in a mailer/newsletter:

    Option A:

    Why not make the most of an exclusive chalet, just for your family and friends? You can now savour a special case of Burgundy and/or Bordeaux wines when you book a whole chalet. Enjoy this premium wine on every day of your holiday (with delicious chalet evening meals on 6 days for adults and 7 for children). Call us to pre-order your case of six for only £99 and it'll be waiting for you on arrival.

    Option B:

    Complement your delicious cuisine with fine wine on every night of your holiday. We provide 6 delicious chalet evening meals for adults while children are catered with 7 high teas. For a truly memorable experience, why not treat friends and loved ones to a special case of Burgundy and/or Bordeaux wines? Upgrade for as little as £99 per case of six by calling us on XXXXXX.
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