Please Critique My Sales Letter

11 replies
Hello,

I recently launched this new cellulite product on Clickbank. It's the 3rd official sales letter I've done, and I think it's pretty good, but I know it could be better.

Can some experienced copywriters give me some pointers?
#critique #letter #sales
  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    Okay, your headline is weak. Anyone with cellulite would like to lose it. You'd be better saying something like:

    You're only a mouse click away from losing the embarrassing cellulite that's been plaguing you for so long...

    Then a sub that plays on benefits:

    In a few short weeks (or whatever the program promises) you can be rid of that nasty cellulite and feeling like the goddess, glamour queen, etc. that you really are. Sound good? Read on...

    Play to restoring lost beauty, youth, etc. Just some ideas.

    Also, your page is loaded with features. That's stuff about the process. Playing on benefits is what sells. What are the benefits of losing cellulite?

    Better body image
    Smaller clothing size
    Rekindle lost passion
    Improved health
    More sex appeal
    Improved self esteem
    More attractive to spouse, partner, etc.
    More confidence

    See what I'm saying? People aren't nearly as concerned with the mechanics of a product as they are with what it's gonna do for them, how it will give them what they want, a better life, better health, more love, more pride. Benefits are the hot buttons, push some and your letter will improve a lot. Good Luck!
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    Excellent work.

    Your copy was well-written, persuasive, and not over-hyped.

    I think your headline package could use work, though. It's not awful, but it could be so much more emotionally powerful... get people "sucked in".

    My first point of call would be to spend another day on your headline... come up with something really powerful... and split test the two, as your market may respond better to a "softer sell".

    The letter's killer though.

    Has the screenshot of the order page been proven to increase response? It looks like a great idea... I'm just curious.

    Overall it's pretty damn good though. I expect it will convert quite nicely.

    -Dan
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    • Profile picture of the author hyperlite
      Thank you. I will definitely work on the headline.

      Yes the screenshot has shown to increase conversions.

      Originally Posted by Daniel Scott View Post

      Excellent work.

      Your copy was well-written, persuasive, and not over-hyped.

      I think your headline package could use work, though. It's not awful, but it could be so much more emotionally powerful... get people "sucked in".

      My first point of call would be to spend another day on your headline... come up with something really powerful... and split test the two, as your market may respond better to a "softer sell".

      The letter's killer though.

      Has the screenshot of the order page been proven to increase response? It looks like a great idea... I'm just curious.

      Overall it's pretty damn good though. I expect it will convert quite nicely.

      -Dan
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    In my opinion I think you covered the benefits nicely... it was just subtle.

    It's a soft sell.. but I think it will work well.

    I'm not saying it's perfect... and any copywriter on here would have written it differently... but that's a stylistic thing.

    There are some advanced techniques you could play on more... but I would go with it how it is... get some solid data... and then split test it against any changes you make.

    -Dan
    Signature

    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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    • Profile picture of the author hyperlite
      Cool. I'll try to draw a little more attention to the benefits.

      I try not to overhype my products because I think it sounds cheesy, so I guess I achieved that. I just don't want to underhype either.

      Sounds like the main things are:
      1) Better headline/sub headline
      2) More benefits


      Exactly what I needed. Thanks guys!
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      • Profile picture of the author TracyNeedham
        Aside from what people have already mentioned, three things jumped out at me--
        • Dear Cellulite "victim"--victim seems way too hype-y here.
        • One of your subheads says there's no such thing as cellulite, but then you go on to talk more about getting rid of cellulite. Somehow you need to resolve that inconsistency.
        • You talk in several places about cellulite gimmicks, even asking if they've fallen for any of them, which is good...but you have to be careful not to make them feel stupid. So I'd add something like "If you have, it's not your fault. These companies could make a piece of dirt look like gold (or something)"
        Good luck with the letter.
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        • Profile picture of the author thmark
          I think your letter is well done overall. Your headline could be better, with a bit more punch and emotion added.

          Even the classic, "Who Else Wants To... would be a start. I would also beef up your secondary headline.

          Another thing that would add some credibility is to show your (or your expert's) picture including the legs and thighs which we assume are cellulite free!

          Take one of those shots with the backside facing forward and Erica turning her upper body to face the camera. Be sure to make the areas where cellulite would be most evident show clearly.
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          • Profile picture of the author ryanmberg
            Hi Erica,

            I agree with the others. A very well written letter.

            A couple ideas to test...

            1. Adding a credibility sidebar near the top of the letter. The sooner you can establish rapport and trust with the reader the better. Which you don't do as much as you should in my opinion, especially in the first few sections of copy. The sidebar could include your picture, brief summary of your credentials, some empathizing statements to the reader, and maybe a couple testimonials.

            2. Incorporate the cellulite myth stuff into the headline. I think that could be a killer hook...

            "The key cellulite erasing scientific FACT that 99% of cellulite "cures" don't take into account - making them almost totally useless.... Finally, discover the truth about cellulite that will allow you to get the smooth, firm skin you've been wishing for...."

            Ryan
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            • Profile picture of the author hyperlite
              Interesting idea... but I like to keep the headline short. What if it were just "Discover The Scientific FACT That 99% of Cellulite Products Fail to Realize..." or something like that?
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              • Profile picture of the author ryanmberg
                Yes, however you want to word it. That was just a quick example. The key is separating yourself from all the other scams and peaking their curiosity to keep reading and find out what the "little known" fact is.

                Ryan
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                Don't even think about hiring a direct response copywriter until you read this: http://www.highresponsecopy.com/

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