Sloppy Copy - Why Does Sales Page Not Convert?

by elliot
19 replies
Hi,

I just wanted to get some professional eyes and opinions on why this sales page seems to struggle like a snake in a straw?

Is it something I've said?......

#convert #copy #page #sales #sloppy
  • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
    Not enough copy for a $47 product.

    Vague premise. You need to define what publishing is.

    Does that mean authoring? For easy money?

    Publishing is a term most people have a vague definition of...
    unless of course they've read Dan Poynter et. al. and
    may be skeptical of whether you offer anything of
    value.

    Copy is too short. Kind of half-assed don't you think?

    After all, you are claiming to be a published author.
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    • Profile picture of the author David Babineau
      Hey there,

      A few quick notes...

      1. For me the fact that all the content appears on the left and not centered makes it very hard to read (not to mention some of the small font sizes...)

      2. Your claim - $1200. Will it's great that it is a believable number, it might be too small that people don't get excited enough to buy it.

      3. Your headline -- if read as is now states "How ZERO funds discovered how to self-publish on Amazon..." --> doesn't make sense. And again, as Loren stated, since you're claiming to be a self-published author, you need to make this tight...

      4. Your tagline - "be selfish, self publish" - will catchy, might actually make people subconsciously feel bad about themselves and you could be setting up internal resistance right from the get go.

      5. ATTENTION pre-head--> Who are you targeting?

      I haven't scrolled down yet but you'll want to work on a lot of the stuff that's above the fold to start with.

      Hope this helps,
      David
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      • Profile picture of the author edmltw
        Elliot,

        I'll be frank. This seems more like an information brochure than a sales letter.

        Drastically reduce writing features, and write more benefits instead!

        You're not here to inform them, you're here to sell them!

        Make sure you benefits over the place. If the benefits seem unbelievable then its the time to substantiate with features. If not avoid them like a rash.

        Your job is make them "feel" your copy, as though your copy is a live salesman speaking to them. I don't feel anything from yours. It's cold. Like talking to a wall. Picture that?

        Hope that helps.

        Regards,
        Ed
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  • Profile picture of the author Ronak Shah
    I'm a sales letter copywriter.

    I feel...

    The copy is over-persuasive in the sense it's focused on the $1200 you earned with self-publishing. It's not to-the-point i.e. precise. It's written like a short story writer would be able to write a sales pitch. It beats around the bush and there is a lot of filler content.

    The benefits are not even written in bullet points.

    What is the special feature of your offer?

    What is your unique selling point?

    The USP is not even highlighted. The headline requires a drastic change.

    I am sure if you keep the copy the same way people won't buy it. I assure you of that.

    I really feel whoever you hired to write the copy did not make the best efforts to write a complete call-to-action sales letter.

    Sending you a PM. If you need help, feel free to email me.
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  • Profile picture of the author davidscarborough
    pardon me, i'm just a newbie. but there wasn't very much information there, was it? I always see sales pages that are long long. i wasn't sure what you're selling.
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  • Profile picture of the author maryannelewis
    "How one guy, one laptop, and ZERO funds discovered how to self publish on Amazon, Target, Barnes And Noble, and made over $1200 doing it!"

    From a former English teacher: All I did was look at your first headline and I found a glaring error....did "zero funds" discover how to self publish? How can funds self-publish? Yes, that's what you said..and that is the kind of question you have to ask yourself when you reread your copy.
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    • Profile picture of the author Hugh Thyer
      Actually I dont mind your headline. If I had an idea but no money and wanted to be published on one of those big sites then your headline would work for me. It sums up the key points of your product and targets your audience nicely.

      What would be nice would be a better opening, one which defines your audience.

      For example, "If you want to be a published author, and you dont want to be screwed around by big publishing houses who only offer a 10% cut for YOUR work then this is the most important message you'll ever read.

      You see, I just published my short story collection on the most respectable book sites around including Amazon, Target and Barnes and Noble. What's mre amazing is it didnt cost me a cent and I made $1,200 in my very first week.

      Here, let me tell you how easily I did it..."

      OK, its a rough example but I'm sure you get the idea. There IS a lot of work to be done to convince people to buy but I'm sure there's a market for it.

      Incidentally, the biggest challenge you'll face is working out the audience you're writing to. Some people will be struggling (and proud of it) authors ie arty types and others will see an opportunity to make big $$$. Almost worth considering 2 sites targeted to each market, because it may be hard to make a connection to your very wide audience on the one page. Anyway, research your audience HARD and make sure you're writing to them.

      Hugh
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      • Profile picture of the author elliot
        Lots of work to do. Thanks for all your great input, it's just what I was looking for.
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        • Profile picture of the author jasondinner
          Here's another version of your headline if you plan on sticking to your original...

          You wrote:

          How one guy, one laptop, and ZERO funds discovered how to self publish on Amazon, Target, Barnes And Noble, and made over $1200 doing it!

          Try this:
          ******************************
          REVEALED: How One Guy With Zero Funds and Only A Laptop Sold $1200 Worth Of His Own Self Published Books On Huge Online Marketplaces Such As Amazon, Target, and Barnes and Noble...

          ...and How You Can Do It Too

          ******************************

          Now keep in mind, this is an alternative version based on what you already have, but
          I'm still not sure anyone will care. What's in it for them?

          Your biggest benefit (your target market's desired result) should be in your headline.

          Also, I am in agreement with removing that big ugly $1200 image you have.

          For starters, $1200 isn't really all that much.

          It is impressive but not enough to make it your focal point of your copy.

          Adding some sales screenshots of your amazon, barnes & noble, and target accounts will certainly help and can be a great replacement for your ugly $1200 graphic.

          Also, it would help if you add some testimonials and a guarantee just before your order section.

          One other thing and I gotta run...

          You have this on your page: 3 Full Guide Books And 5 Tutorial Videos Showing You All You Need To Know!

          What are they? And how will the customer benefit from them?

          List each guide book separately with a full description and some bullets

          Do the same with the 5 video tutorials.

          Tell your story. How did you discover this secret to self publishing?

          What happened? Why did you decide to self publish instead of going the other route?

          Why would anyone else want to do the same?

          You're missing a lot of key elements that are needed for this page to sell for you.

          Hope this helps
          Jason
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    • Profile picture of the author FitJerk
      Originally Posted by maryannelewis View Post

      "How one guy, one laptop, and ZERO funds discovered how to self publish on Amazon, Target, Barnes And Noble, and made over $1200 doing it!"

      From a former English teacher: All I did was look at your first headline and I found a glaring error....did "zero funds" discover how to self publish? How can funds self-publish? Yes, that's what you said..and that is the kind of question you have to ask yourself when you reread your copy.
      Haha, that's exactly what I was thinking. Though, I wouldn't mind making funds like that. I'll call them, "self-motivating funds"
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      • Profile picture of the author Sumit Menon
        Originally Posted by FitJerk View Post

        Haha, that's exactly what I was thinking. Though, I wouldn't mind making funds like that. I'll call them, "self-motivating funds"
        If you do manage to make it and put out a blueprint, I'm your first customer, for sure. I'd sell my parents' house to buy that report..

        Sumit.
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        • Profile picture of the author FitJerk
          Originally Posted by Sumit Menon View Post

          If you do manage to make it and put out a blueprint, I'm your first customer, for sure. I'd sell my parents' house to buy that report..

          Sumit.
          Fortunately your dad will still have a roof over his head tonight... as I haven't got past the "motivating" stage. The funds just rest there... limp and lifeless. I even tried bribing them with more funds.

          F*ck..

          I gota find what makes em tick.
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    • Profile picture of the author Oxbloom
      Originally Posted by maryannelewis View Post

      "How one guy, one laptop, and ZERO funds discovered how to self publish on Amazon, Target, Barnes And Noble, and made over $1200 doing it!"

      From a former English teacher: All I did was look at your first headline and I found a glaring error....did "zero funds" discover how to self publish? How can funds self-publish? Yes, that's what you said..and that is the kind of question you have to ask yourself when you reread your copy.
      Although this sounds persnickety, there's something to be said for knowing your market.

      When you're dealing with people who want to see their precious words turned into publishing gold, you're dealing with people who take words seriously.

      There's a difference between casual, colloquial writing, and poor grammar and usage. The former, even though it's not strictly according to convention, is fine. The latter is a turnoff for a big chunk of your market.

      As a copywriter, I was happy to read the whole thing. As a writer, I would have dismissed it before I finished the headline, thinking, "How can somebody who can't be bothered to get their words right be trusted on a matter as important to me as my publishing?"

      I agree further with whoever said the giant, red $1200 was an instant turnoff. Anyone looking quickly will think it's a price, not a reward, and will click away before they bother to find out any differently.

      I lastly agree with those who said there simply isn't enough info here to merit a purchase. At a minimum, I'd want to see...

      1) That you understand my problem (To wit: that I'm a struggling writer with limited funds and limited technological know-how who would nonetheless like to start earning money as a writer, online, immediately if not sooner.)

      2) That your system works, and why. (Story)

      3) That it offers me something I can't get elsewhere, cheaper. (Bullets)

      3) That my limited funds won't be a problem. (Price/Buy Now Opt-in)

      4) That my limited technological know-how won't be a problem. (Bullets)

      5) That I'll soon be earning some meaningful amount of coin. (Story, testimonials, etc.)

      A paragraph or so on each of these, with a handful of simple bullet points where appropriate, and you've got a much better sales vehicle in almost the same amount of space.
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  • Profile picture of the author Sumit Menon
    I'm no expert, but from a customer's point of view, I'd seriously remove that In-The-Face $1,200 image. It's a big turn-off.

    You might wanna make it, "one guy with zero start up funds/capital...". I don't really care about the laptop. It just makes me feel bad that I don't have one. :p Or if you do wanna put that, "one guy equipped with nothing but his laptop..."

    "The Most Complete Self Publishing System You Will Ever Need!"
    Shouldn't that be "The Most Complete Self Publishing System You Will Ever Find!"

    Also your call to action could be a lot better!

    I would have said, "It would have been insanely under-priced if you were charged $99 for this system. But, today you can grab my whole system for just $47." or something like that...

    I'd also mention that the customers will get instant access to the system after payment.

    Even if you've made $1,200, I think it would be more believable if you changed the figure to something like $1,117.89 and also mentioned in how many days you made it.

    Again, I'm just a newbie... I've never written a copy in life. So, I hope you get better insights from other warriors.

    Good Luck,
    Sumit.
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  • Profile picture of the author Mmfh
    What about a headline that says; How One Guy ( Totally Broke ) with his laptop made $1200 self Publishing his own book !!

    That just sounds better to me.

    Mm
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  • Profile picture of the author Scott Murdaugh
    Copy aside...

    You couldn't pay me $12,000 to write an entire book. Why am I going to get excited over $1,200?

    -Scott
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  • Profile picture of the author Chris_Custer
    Good points in the other replies.

    Who are you targeting with this? People who already want to self-publish or people who want to make money and you're selling SP as a way to do that. It's not real clear to me.

    I think it comes down to 3 things:

    1. Lack of proof in the letter. Your video is actually pretty good once you get into the results. I'd drop the "page turning" stuff at the beginning. Get right to the exciting stuff.

    Regardless, not everyone is going to watch the video. You need your proof in the letter.

    2. Lack of specifics. I have no idea what *specifically* is in your course.

    3. The headline is ok, but I think it can be tightened up. I'd lose the $1200 graphic. It screams "cheese."

    Though I don't think it's critical, I'd lose the wood-panel background, too.

    Oh, and where's your opt-in??
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  • Profile picture of the author RentItNow
    Use the "regular guy" approach. "I'm just this normal guy going along and one day learned a secret that got me $1,200. I told a couple people and all the sudden everyone is bugging me to get it so I am here to tell it to you. Take it with a grain of salt as I am not a money making expert, just a normal guy that stumbled upon this method."

    VERY POWERFUL CONCEPT.
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    I have no agenda but to help those in the same situation. This I feel will pay the bills.
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