Is this good enough copy for a healthy habits course?

Thanks, that makes perfect sense now that you have pointed it out.

I'll revise what I have written.

Thanks a lot.

James

Yeah James,
That headline is not great.

3 powerful ingredients to a high performing headline are...

- Self interest
- Newsworthiness
- Curiosity

Of the 3, self interest is the highest priority. Because people want to know what's in it for them, before they give you their attention.

Think of curiosity and newsworthiness as siblings that enhance the self interest ingredient. And if you can get all 3 parts in there, then you've got the makings of a powerful headline.



Right now your headline barely touches on any of those 3 factors

Healthy Habits Create High Performing, Happy People.

First response... Yeah, OK, good to know, I guess. But so what?

Like Marcia said - Bland, generic, could apply to anybody or nobody. (Almost sounds like a meme that could be attached to a picture of a kitten doing pushups)


Better would be...

New Healthy Habits Course Turns You Into a High Performing, Happy Person.

OK, that headline sucks too. But at least the word "new" starts to touch on newsworthiness, and the word "you" brings a little self interest into it.


Maybe something like...

This One Healthy Habit Will Turn You Into a High Performing, Happy Person in as Little as 30 Days.

Not great, but the word "this" adds a touch of curiosity (hmm, you're talking about 1 thing in particular. I wonder what it might be?) And "as little as 30 days" makes it sound like it's fairly quick to implement.


Can you see the direction we're going here, brother?


I recommend you write a dozen or more headlines with the 3 main ingredients in mind, and I believe you'll start to see some real gems show up on your list.

Then you can pick the top 3 or 4 and split test them with your traffic. (because no matter what I say about your copy, it always comes down to testing and measuring your own results, with your own traffic)


Of course the effectiveness of this copy depends largely on where your traffic is coming from, and how predisposed your visitors are to receiving, and believing, the message when they land on your page. (based on your marketing and how you're bringing them in)

All the best,
Steve

Hellor Silver007A,

Something Hershell Gordon Lewis once taught me.

1. Use single-syllable words in headlines as much as possible

Address this: Of the seven words in your headline, only 1 is a single syllable word

2. Never use effort or work words in headlines

Address this: 3 of the words are "effort" or "work" words - Habits, Create, & Performing

3. Headline should speak directly to the person, not a group

Address this: Happy People is not personable

4. Never use punctuation in headlines

Address this: Headline is using a comma

ALWAYS REMEMBER: Headlines must always be punchy, short, and speak directly to the person.

So I ask you,

Do people want to be high-performing or have more energy?
Do people want to create or have it made for them?
Do people want habits or simple steps?
Do people want healthy or easy lifestyle?
Do people want to be happy or more fulfilled?

You get the picture!

Chinchilla

I disagree, James.

Just reading what you've already written tells me you do have what it takes to be a copywriter.

I just visited your webpage and it isn't too bad (the copy definitely looks better on the page than it does in this thread).


I've worked on a few winning campaigns in the self help / self development industry and I do have a couple small suggestions off the cuff...

The main thing I would work on right now is your headline, and opening lede. The first 50 words of your copy are more important than the next 200 words, because if the opening doesn't pull people in, then they'll never read the rest of it anyway.


One critical thing that's missing from your opening is relating to your prospects pain. You need to make the shitstorm that is their life bigger and more real, right from the beginning. We need to stir the pot and bring the scum up from the bottom before we can skim it off the top. We need to rip off the scab before we can clean the wound. (yes, I have a few more analogies I could add, but I think we all get the idea)

I know, I know... You don't want to make people feel worse about themselves, (I can tell by reading your copy. It's all very uplifting) but unless you tap into the pain they're trying to get away from then you're going to have a hard time bringing up the emotional triggers that motivate them into action.

In fact, by not talking about the pain few people will believe that you honestly know what they're going through.

I've lived with bouts of clinical depression my entire life and I can tell you without hesitation, anyone who tries to cheer me up when I'm surrounded by the gray, is begging to be punched in the face.

But the few who have come down to my level first, and get me to believe that they understand, have been the ones who sometimes help guide me back to the light.

So if you truly believe your program can help people, you're actually doing people a great dis-service by not stirring the pot, and relating to their pain first.


Another thing I've discovered in the self help industry is "proof is paramount"

Because in the self help industry people have a strong desire to believe in possibilities. But most people also have a strong skeptical streak.

In part because there's so much metaphysical snake oil (aka. bullshit) being sold in this niche.


And finally... Where is your traffic coming from? DABK already brought this up, but it's worth repeating because it's that important.
The mindset people are in just before they land on your page plays a HUGE role in what you should have for the headline and opening lede.


So if you're advertising directly to people, how are you targeting them?
Are they people who have bought self help programs before? The more they've spent on similar programs, and the more recently they've bought, the better.


Or are you sending out emails to your list? Or participating on social media platforms for promotion? In this case one thing that has shown to boosts conversions is having a relatable persona. A trustworthy guide like in a heroes journey. The relatable persona / guide in this case is you. You're the Yoda to their Luke Skywalker, helping them find their inner strength and guiding them to their true destiny.

The message you use to bring people to your site, is the story you need to continue with your opening copy. The smooth flow will help lead to more conversions



In conclusion: Yes, you do have what it takes to be a copywriter (you've already proven it)

Stir up the pain before you present the solution

Proof elements are paramount

Your advertising that brings people to your page determines what your opening should be



Best of luck to you man. And remember, getting better at copywriting takes practice. Just like creating new habits takes practice, right?

Hellor Silver007A

Put the self-pity away.

Copywriters, I included, struggle with this CRAFT! And I've been at it for 28 years!!!

It is the nature of this beast.

It is ALWAYS a work in progress.

The secret to writing SALES COPY is targeting emotional triggers with your reader.

DROP THE LOGIC!!!

Like you, I too can write some of the greatest, boring pieces on earth because it's EASY!

COPYWRITING IS HARD!!!!

HAS BEEN!

ALWAYS WILL BE!!!

Let that sink in because it takes sheer tenacity to grab this bull by its horns and ride it.

What you have before you is a real-life, in your face CHALLENGE.

Are you up for it?

Chinchilla

Build a list. Create rapport with your audience. Demonstrate your intentions. You need less copywriting skills to sell to a person who likes and trusts you.

You can work on your copy. Until you're there, focus on things like trust, likability, simplicity.

Obvious Adams is a nice little read. Unfortunately we have learned every which way from Sunday to make the simple things complicated. If your copy isn't yet up to scratch; don't force it. You'll turn more people off, than on.

Hellor Silver007A

Better!

You're on the right track.

Now tighten it up.

Chinchilla