G'day, Matt!

Congratulations! You've actually got many of the vital elements in place.

For a start, your headline hits the nail right on the head, because it asks the question that will be right at the front of your reader's mind: "What's in it for me?"

But you need the headline to be pro-active and actually TELL them what's in it for them - rather than simply state the question on their mind.

And you've done it right again, because you've then moved on to identify the problem, which is exactly what you should do.

But you need to frame it in a more EMOTIONAL and BELIEVABLE way.

So, I'll assume, you can quote the source of your average home business owner profit - and the precise average figure.

If you can, then use that to create a more eye-catching headline, but it will lead naturally into the body of the letter. For example:




That headline is just a quick example and not up to my usual standard, cuz I normally write up to 100 headlines on a real project (and generally pick #99).

Then, you move into the body copy where you explain why it isn't their fault. Ideally you should incorporate your own personal experience of falling foul of the bad practices you mention. Because the closer the reader can identify with you, as someone who is just like them and has overcome the same problem they now face, the more you will build trust.

And trust is essential if they are to buy from you.

Then you go on to rub salt into the wound by telling them what can go wrong.

When you've painted a really dark worse possible scenario, you introduce your solution, so it illuminates the pitch like a shaft of sunlight, piercing the dark clouds.

Then you need to tell them all the BENEFITS of your product and provide proof, justify the price and overcome all the unspoken doubts and objections they may have.

And all the time, you need to appeal to their emotions (because buying is an emotional act) by painting glowing pictures of how their life will be transformed by the wealth and sheer freedom their successful home business bestow on them (once they've bought your product and know how to do it properly).

And you need to assure them (with a cast iron guarantee) that they risk nothing but have everything to gain by going ahead.

Then, because by then, they believe and trust you and are convinced the risks are minute and the rewards mind-blowing, it will suddenly make sense to be convinced. So they just might be prepared to go ahead.

And you'll make your first of many sales.

I've also taken a look at Road To Success.

As this appears to be an MLM product, there are limits to what you can say, before the reader indicates their interest by completing the web form. However, I have improved these types of MLM web pages before and if you want to PM me, I'll point you towards an example.

Warmest regards,

Paul

I've written successfully for the MLM industry with clients making
millions from my copywriting. Once you have a 5-figure budget
then you can contact me for a quote.

-Ray Edwards

MLM's a narrow niche. Stick with someone who has proven success in that field. BTW, that's definitely not me.