Review of my sales letter

14 years ago

Thank you Matt.

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kfk2003

14 years ago

Hi,

You could try breaking up the headline to make it a bit more punchy:

Multiplication Mastery Guaranteed:

"How Your Child Can Perform
Lightning Fast Calculations
Simply and Easily, Regardless of
What Level They Are At"

Discover an unbelievably quick and easy way to give your child a
clear edge in the maths classroom... without expensive tutors or difficult text books.

Your story is fine but too vanilla and I felt it went on too long.

Get the video on the sales page itself, you don't want people leaving, they might not come back.

The testimonial background color is too contrasty. Put the more relevant ones, where a child is mentioned, at the top.

'Fourth... You get Memorymentor's guarantee' ??? Who is this memorymentor? He's not been mentioned at all up until now.

Make more of the consultation.

You say 2 extra ebooks but list 3.

Hope some of this helps.

Thanks

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Andrew Gould

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judsonsolomon

14 years ago

I am using McAfee anti virus software on my pc.

When I get to your sale page McAfee site advisor has shown me your site that they have found potential security risks with your site!

I think this is one of the reasons why your lose your potential customers who use McAfee anti virus software on their pc.

You should solve this issue fist.

Take a look at screen shoot from my pc...

Thanks
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Cringer

14 years ago

Originally Posted by judsonsolomon

I am using McAfee anti virus software on my pc.

When I get to your sale page McAfee site advisor has shown me your site that they have found potential security risks with your site!

I think this is one of the reasons why your lose your potential customers who use McAfee anti virus software on their pc.

You should solve this issue fist.

Take a look at screen shoot from my pc...

Thank you for the heads up. Does it tell you why it is a potential threat? Interesting that...

Thanks

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SeanLandon 14 years ago

Hi Cringer,

I agree with Paul about the word "calculations". I would suggest getting rid of it.

Also, I'm not sure about the word "maths". I guess it depends on where most of your sales come from. Usually in North America people just say "math".

Get rid of "I" or shorten the story. Focus on what the product is going to do for me, and for my child. As a parent, I don't want her to suffer in math like I did!

You also might want to consider adding a video of a child doing the calculations.

This is interesting - "Well, here's what most people don't know about Vedic Maths: It's an ancient form of Mathematics from India, discovered in the last number of years after having "disappeared" for thousands of years."

"Ancient Indian Math Secret Lets You Do Math Like a Calculator"

or

"Become the Human Calculator You Were Meant to Be"

Sort of joking there but you get the idea.

re: what the product does, will it help my child get better grades? Get into a better college? Do better on the SAT? Get a better job? How important is math anyway?

Consider adding "headlines" to your testimonials.

Just some quick thoughts, hope it helps.

- Sean
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- 1 reply
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- Ashley Gable 14 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by SeanLandon
  
  Also, I'm not sure about the word "maths". I guess it depends on where most of your sales come from. Usually in North America people just say "math".
  
  Yeah if your targeting america, then you will need to use 'math' not maths. I was born in london, over there its maths, here is is just math. There is no plural form.
  
  Also in your headline "Clear Edge" doesnt do anything for me. It is kind of beige. Take a look at kfk2003 headline example. It uses the 'clear edge' but in the subheadline, which I think is better.
  
  Thanks
  
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judsonsolomon

14 years ago

I click "read site report" inside their red box.

please click here to see the report

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Loren Woirhaye

14 years ago

You have a seriously bloated headline.

How 'bout something like "Give me 21 Days and I'll Turn Your Kid Into A Math Wiz"

Anyway, the appeal to improve one's childrens' capacity to
learn is timeless. You just need to communicate that you
can help the child excel in school in as few words as possible -
don't try to sell your product in the headline (normally to
do so is a mistake) - try to write the headline so the right
prospect gets immediately engaged... engaged enough to
read your offer.

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The Copy Nazi

Banned 14 years ago

Yeah...the headline is forgettable. And where are the piccies or videos of the happy campers doing math? I bet you'd double conversions with the right pic or vid. Seems like a good product.

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Cringer

14 years ago

Hi all,

Any good suggestions on how I could elicit some photos from people who've bought from me already? I thought there might be some law against publishing pics of peoples kids on the web

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Loren Woirhaye

14 years ago

No, but you need written permission to be ethical. If you
publish a picture without permission you could get sued
by the person, and they would probably win, but in general
if you take picture you own the picture and all the rights
to it.

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Cringer

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Loren Woirhaye

No, but you need written permission to be ethical. If you
publish a picture without permission you could get sued
by the person, and they would probably win, but in general
if you take picture you own the picture and all the rights
to it.

So if I gave this product to say 10 people for free and they were to give me a video testimonial, do I physically need hand written permission or is their email stating permission enough? I understand that you are not offering, nor is anyone else offering legal advice. Anything you say will only be taken as a point of information.

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The Copy Nazi

Banned 14 years ago

Second thoughts...why not just turn the head and sub-head around? Then you lead with

Discover an unbelievably quick and easy way to give your child a clear edge in the maths classroom, without expensive tutors or difficult text books.

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Loren Woirhaye

14 years ago

email permission is probably fine.... unless you are a target
for lawsuits because you are visibly wealthy or famous.

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Vic Shake

14 years ago

nice. feed back

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1 reply

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Ross Bowring 14 years ago

How about a twist on a famous old headline...

"Who's To Blame If A Child Doesn't Know His Times Tables..."
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- Cringer 14 years ago
  
  Hi all,
  
  I want to thank you all for your contributions to my thread. Today I will put up a revised version of the sales page and if you guys and gals don't mind, could review it once again when it's complete?
  
  I will then look to split test the main heading with some of your excellent suggestions and also to incorporate the "Belcher Button" (thanks Mal).
  
  Thanks
  
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Cringer

14 years ago

I just wanted to put it out there if any of you are interested in possibly rewriting my page could you send me a PM.

Thanks

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Mr. Subtle 14 years ago

Originally Posted by Paul McQuillan

Including your budget for a re-write will help in getting the best response.

And upgrading the look from a 2006 style sales letter to a more web2oh looking site should help too. Below I'm ripping a quick BrainFart and I know it needs tweaking. It's an animated GIF so give it a few seconds to load:

.

.
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- Ross Bowring 14 years ago
  
  Offer Subtle your first born to get that design. Whatever it takes.
  
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Cringer

14 years ago

I hadnt really given a budget much thought. Are there any guidelines around that I could use to help evaluate what budget would be reasonable depending on copywriters experiences?

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Cringer

14 years ago

Mr Subtle, that is a most excellent design. PM me and we can see about a purchase. Do you take first borns?

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Review of my sales letter

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