Does my sales copy suck? Feedback needed.

16 replies
Hi Warriors

I just redesigned my sales page and wanted some feedback from you.

I'm a relative newbie at this sales stuff.

Tax Deed is the new site

http://www.taxdeeedbook.com/ is the old site

Thanks in advance.
#copy #feedback #needed #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Ken Strong
    You don't need to have "TAX DEED SALES" in huge font twice a few inches away from each other, and you don't need to list the states that soon. You don't have to explain what tax deed sales are at the top, but you do need to grab the reader's attention by telling us what's in it for us...

    For instance, further down you have a subhead that says, "How we made over $1 MILLION in 2 years buying real estate from Tax Deed sales!" At least that grabs my attention, and gives me an actual benefit I might get from reading the rest of your page.

    Move one or more of those pictures showing properties you bought and how much you made on them, up near the top. Specific results like that offer credibility.
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  • Thanks for the ideas Ken
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  • Profile picture of the author gbd
    Honestly, it was pretty hard to get through. I was confused from the beginning and never really found what was in it for me...
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    I'd be explaining what a "Tax Deed Sale" is from the off. In the headline. "Heard About the Killing People are Making with Real Estate Tax Deed Sales?"..."How the Smart Money is Cleaning up on Real Estate Tax Deed Sales" - something like that. Then a provocative sub-head "Even that idiot I work with is on to tax Deeds". Then explain what it is. Forget about the "Don't know what it is I'll explain later" B/S. Cut to the chase or I'll click off. Chuck in some Hot Sub-heads for the scanners - "Doubled my investment"...."Candy from a baby"...."better than working...- whatever it is (I have no idea what it is).
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  • Thanks for the advice Robbie, I have changed this to make it clearer from the top
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  • Profile picture of the author Peter.Anthony
    None of the images appeared when I looked at the site.
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    • Originally Posted by Peter.Anthony View Post

      None of the images appeared when I looked at the site.
      Sorry about that, its fixed now
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  • Profile picture of the author wordtothewise
    Originally Posted by Orlando Web Design View Post

    Hi Warriors

    I just redesigned my sales page and wanted some feedback from you.

    I'm a relative newbie at this sales stuff.

    Tax Deed is the new site

    http://www.taxdeeedbook.com/ is the old site

    Thanks in advance.
    HI there,
    Please accept my viewpoint as constructive criticism.
    1. Good Headline, good color.
    2. Sub headline needs some work-make it bolder, a different font, something. It just doesn't work for me.
    3. The first main questioning headline needs re-wording. "Heard" is not a strong enough emotional trigger to capture the reader's attention. I would rephrase it something like this: Why are people making an absolute killing at Real Estate Tax Deed sales? And...How you can to!
    4. I would rework your highlighted statement: We made over $1 MILLION in 2(TWO) years buying real estate from
    Tax Deed sales and you can too!(and so can you!) I would even make all the words capitalized for greater emphasis, also in a softer font.
    5. I wouldn't emphasize the number of pages (180); it may be too long for some people that may be interested in your offer. Instead, I would focus on using these key words: simple to follow instructions, an easy read, an easy guide, flows for page to page, makes perfect sense, page after page; hopefully, you get the idea.
    6. The copy sounds too altruistic, this could backfire!
    7. Your first e-mail endorsement sounds too phoney, even if it's real! I would eliminate it, or change it.
    8. Your copy continues to sound too contrived, rehearsed, pleading and begging? You try to hit them emotionally at many levels at once-it doesn't work!
    9. Who are your targeted public-Real Estate Agents? Or, people interested in making money in Real Estate? It's hard to tell.
    10. I don't think this sales page is life changing stuff, so you shouldn't be asking how badly they want to change their lives.
    11. Also, the copy sounds too preachy; the whole copy needs to be whittled down to three or four pages with the video, maximum!
    12. I'd also leave out your refund rate-no one cares!
    13. People don't care about two average guys-they only want to know what's in it for them-SAY IT IN YOUR BOX!!!!
    That's about all I can add at the present. Hope my suggestions help.

    P.S. Your link appears to be broken for your old site. I've tried a few times.
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    • Originally Posted by wordtothewise View Post

      HI there,
      Please accept my viewpoint as constructive criticism.
      1. Good Headline, good color.
      2. Sub headline needs some work-make it bolder, a different font, something. It just doesn't work for me.
      3. The first main questioning headline needs re-wording. "Heard" is not a strong enough emotional trigger to capture the reader's attention. I would rephrase it something like this: Why are people making an absolute killing at Real Estate Tax Deed sales? And...How you can to!
      4. I would rework your highlighted statement: We made over $1 MILLION in 2(TWO) years buying real estate from
      Tax Deed sales and you can too!(and so can you!) I would even make all the words capitalized for greater emphasis, also in a softer font.
      5. I wouldn't emphasize the number of pages (180); it may be too long for some people that may be interested in your offer. Instead, I would focus on using these key words: simple to follow instructions, an easy read, an easy guide, flows for page to page, makes perfect sense, page after page; hopefully, you get the idea.
      6. The copy sounds too altruistic, this could backfire!
      7. Your first e-mail endorsement sounds too phoney, even if it's real! I would eliminate it, or change it.
      8. Your copy continues to sound too contrived, rehearsed, pleading and begging? You try to hit them emotionally at many levels at once-it doesn't work!
      9. Who are your targeted public-Real Estate Agents? Or, people interested in making money in Real Estate? It's hard to tell.
      10. I don't think this sales page is life changing stuff, so you shouldn't be asking how badly they want to change their lives.
      11. Also, the copy sounds too preachy; the whole copy needs to be whittled down to three or four pages with the video, maximum!
      12. I'd also leave out your refund rate-no one cares!
      13. People don't care about two average guys-they only want to know what's in it for them-SAY IT IN YOUR BOX!!!!
      That's about all I can add at the present. Hope my suggestions help.

      P.S. Your link appears to be broken for your old site. I've tried a few times.
      Thanks for all the advice...I will read thoroughly and make changes.

      The old site should be live How We Made Over One Million Dollars with Real Estate and Tax Deed Investing

      Thanks
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  • Profile picture of the author kimperino1985
    Originally Posted by Orlando Web Design View Post

    Hi Warriors

    I just redesigned my sales page and wanted some feedback from you.

    I'm a relative newbie at this sales stuff.

    Tax Deed is the new site

    http://www.taxdeeedbook.com/ is the old site

    Thanks in advance.
    Hey..I can't open the new one... Old one looks good..
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Much better. But put your mugshot at top left - just below the headline somewhere - we all like to see who we're dealing with. And put the headline in inverted commas. You've also gone a bit psycho with the yellow highlighter.
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  • Profile picture of the author Dainis
    Video is not loading. Work on

    * visual flow
    * headlines that tell a story in and of themselves
    * headlines followed by body text not sub head followed by headline followed by sub head followed by sales graphic
    * left or or right align some of the images so that you have text next to images
    * not a fan of the pleading nature of "please."

    Best,
    Dainis

    PS: I can contract with you to reformat this sales page for you for a reasonable fee. If you're interested, just PM me.
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  • Profile picture of the author Jennie Heckel
    Dear orlando:

    Suggestions:

    1. Graphics are poor, just redoing the template would help a lot.

    2. Width of text is too wide and too hard to read make narrower width of text, about 1/3 as wide so a person can skim it better.

    3. No subheads in the text that stand out, I would remove the yellow highlighting it is too hard to read. (just use yellow for one part of a sentence and very sparingly.

    4. The subheads which you have in yellow now need to have the highlighting removed and make them in a font approx. 24 to 27 points and in a different font than the regular text.

    5. Testimonials should be in testimonial boxes with a colored background so they can be seen as testimonials.

    6. Wrap your text around your images, so they look like part of the sales letter.

    7. Introduce your product later, it is too early where it is and people will click away when you do it like that.

    8. Remove the green background and just have it white, or a dark navy blue, shows more trust.

    9. I don't like free report offers in a sales letter, that should be in an optin page that is separate from the sales letter.

    10. You have a lot of good pieces but they do not flow. I would remove the free chapter and make this a sales letter with a buy button for the product.

    That is my 10 steps to improving it. See this sales letter here, more like what you would want to do for flow and for layout.

    Quick Sale Secrets
    Quick House Sale Secrets - Quickly Sell House
    Quick House Sale Secrets - Discover How Smart Homeowners Quickly Sell House s

    Let me know if you want more help. I can rewrite the copy and help the headline and flow and make a new design for you. You have a good start it just needs polish.

    Regards,

    Jennie
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  • Thanks everyone for your advice....

    It's a work in progress
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  • I have changed the flow, added a photo, changed some copy...let me know what you think?
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