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Could You Take A Look At My Copy? - Thanks!

by MeTellYou
16 replies
Hey,

I have a favor to ask.

I am crafting the salesletter for ContentMade.com | Get Your Content Creation And Other Work Outsourced At Dirt Cheap

could you take a look and tell me what you think? I would really appreciate it.

Thanks!

Sebastian
#copy #look at
  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Originally Posted by MeTellYou View Post

    Hey,

    I have a favor to ask.

    I am crafting the salesletter for ContentMade.com | Get Your Content Creation And Other Work Outsourced At Dirt Cheap

    could you take a look and tell me what you think? I would really appreciate it.

    Thanks!

    Sebastian
    Sebastian, pretty damn good. But whack up your mugshot top left. People like to "smell your breath" - as the Japanese say (I think). And instead of talking in Future tense - like
    How much will this information cost me?

    say "How much is this costing me?" or similar. Presume they have it in their hands. There's some other stuff too but I have no time. But good job. Reads "credible" and "honest". Even better with a headshot.
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  • Profile picture of the author kfk2003
    Hi Sebastian,

    The whole site looks a little boring and generic.

    Your prehead and headline don't tell me anything.

    Don't use a full stop after your headline.

    Your story's weak, I want to know more about you.

    Use a photo of yourself.

    Your first three subheads need to be focused on the reader and get rid of the full stop.

    There's a few typos in your bullets, and the first's too wordy.

    In fact, the English overall is just a little too rough. E.g. if you just want to say 'dirt cheap' don't precede it with 'at' otherwise you need to use 'dirt cheap prices'.

    Get a graphic guarantee seal so it looks 'official'.

    Use a nicer order button.

    Sign off properly. Get a free custom sig here Free Handwriting Font Demos - Real Cursive Handwriting Fonts - vLetter.com

    No P.S., use at least one to sum up your offer and guarantee as readers will often scan to the bottom of your letter after having read the headline.

    Your basic idea's OK but the whole thing needs a good rewrite.

    Hope some of that helps and if I was you the first thing I'd do is completely rewrite the headline section.
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    Andrew Gould

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    • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
      Banned
      I don't agree.
      Originally Posted by kfk2003 View Post

      Hi Sebastian,

      The whole site looks a little boring and generic.

      (I thought it looked quite fresh actually. No flashy banner/no BS headline/good clean copy on a white background.)

      Your prehead and headline don't tell me anything.

      (Maybe. But it got me to read on)

      Don't use a full stop after your headline.

      (Why not? But it would be better in inverted commas.)

      Your story's weak, I want to know more about you.

      (He's told you probably as much as you need to know. He's "cutting to the chase".)

      Use a photo of yourself.

      (Agreed)

      Your first three subheads need to be focused on the reader and get rid of the full stop.

      (Why? he's telling you his story. I could care less about the full-stop.)

      There's a few typos in your bullets, and the first's too wordy.

      (It's his first draft but I agree - that section's too long. Needs to be broken into three sections maybe)

      In fact, the English overall is just a little too rough. E.g. if you just want to say 'dirt cheap' don't precede it with 'at' otherwise you need to use 'dirt cheap prices'.

      (It's not his native tongue I presume but I didn't find it "too rough" at all)

      Get a graphic guarantee seal so it looks 'official'.

      (You mean so it looks "cheesy")

      Use a nicer order button.

      (I thought that at first but now I like it. It's different.)

      Sign off properly. Get a free custom sig here Free Handwriting Font Demos - Real Cursive Handwriting Fonts - vLetter.com

      (Another overdone cheesy idea)

      No P.S., use at least one to sum up your offer and guarantee as readers will often scan to the bottom of your letter after having read the headline.

      (Yes he could do a P.S. but it's a small point)

      Your basic idea's OK but the whole thing needs a good rewrite.

      (No it doesn't)

      Hope some of that helps and if I was you the first thing I'd do is completely rewrite the headline section.

      (The correct English grammar is "if I were you")
      Just think you're being way too hard on him and not encouraging at all.
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      • Profile picture of the author kfk2003
        Originally Posted by Metronicity View Post

        I don't agree. Just think you're being way too hard on him and not encouraging at all.
        Thanks for your feedback.

        I thought I was giving constructive criticism and that the points I raised were valid and would increase his conversion. As Paul said, I don't think the OP was just looking for praise.
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        Andrew Gould

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      • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
        Banned
        Originally Posted by Paul McQuillan View Post

        hmm, odd coming from you Mal. I believe I have seen you shred
        one or two posts over the year

        I don't think the guy is looking for cheerleaders, he's looking
        to get the most from this letter.

        I don't have anything good to say about it either, it's not good.

        I hope the OP knows we're not trying to come off as some smarmy
        a-holes.
        It's Christmas - the season of giving. And I've got my Santa hat on. I thought this guy wrote a pretty good letter, considering. Just needs to be cleaned up a bit.
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    I think the copy overall is good. I'd get a little more specific with the headline and sort of hint at how your brokering method can help people avoid work rather than just shoot out the statement that working sucks.

    Your layout and formatting leaves a lot of room for improvement. Right now it looks like it was just thrown together. There are plenty of things you can do to give it more eye-appeal. Try putting in some little shaded boxes that highlight some of your stronger benefits. An image or two wouldn't hurt either.

    You have a lot of bullets. I would probably space them differently. As you go through your pitch and build interest and desire about one particular aspect of what you do, you can present several related strong bullet points to make your case then move to another aspect of the business and do the same.

    Then, when you're delivering your call to action, rephrase the same points only showcase the benefit. For example, this one: "The one realization that made it very easy for me to find great freelancers at dirt cheap"

    I'd maybe reword that as a strong benefit saying something like:

    With my methods you'll experience ultimate peace of mind knowing that no matter what happens in the writing market you'll have an endless supply of freelancers just dying to get their chance to work for you at prices that WILL CONTINUE TO PUT STEADY CASH IN YOUR POCKET RAIN OR SHINE.

    As far as the actual writing goes, it's good and I think developing benefits and working them in would make even better. Again, I like what you have. There are obviously a lot of ways to tweak it. These are just a couple of ideas that came to me. Good luck!
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  • Profile picture of the author MeTellYou
    Hey there

    Thanks for your feedback. I really do appreciate it. I am actually rewriting this a little right now. As far as the design: this is only the copy, the actual design will come later.



    Again, thank you for the great feedback.

    Sebastian
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    [UPDATED] FREE 1-ON-1 MENTORSHIP: Student Makes $12,000 His First Week Of Running Ads
    Skype Me! Skype: yourebookwriter
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  • Profile picture of the author k0zm0zs0ul
    I wouldn't say it's bad, but I wouldn't say it's good either. You have a good start and have good suggestions above, but also for me personally, it sounds like you're trying a little TOO hard to be a 'no-bs' conversationalist. It sounds forced to me, with the slang sounding a bit over the top. I'd tone it down a bit, because it's a bit of a turn off for me. It makes the whole piece a little less believable. And maybe I'm slightly jaded, lol. Regardless, just my .02 cents.

    Warm regards,
    C
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  • Profile picture of the author MeTellYou
    I went ahead and made a few changes. The mugshot will come when the design part happens. What do you guys think now?
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    [UPDATED] FREE 1-ON-1 MENTORSHIP: Student Makes $12,000 His First Week Of Running Ads
    Skype Me! Skype: yourebookwriter
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    • Profile picture of the author kfk2003
      Originally Posted by MeTellYou View Post

      I went ahead and made a few changes. The mugshot will come when the design part happens. What do you guys think now?
      That's a lot better. It reads and looks a lot more professionally. When the finished design is in place I'm sure it will look top notch.

      There's still a few of things you could improve though so here's some suggestions:

      I still think your headline needs a little work.

      'Pretty nasty if you ask me.' Doesn't quite sound right.

      Possibly don't mention Freelancer.com, you don't want people to go there and work everything out for themselves. Possibly turn it into a secret website type bullet.

      $1.5 is normally written $1.50.

      'but now it reality' to 'but now it's a reality'

      (I was watching movies all day and I knew that even though I was off watching movies all day, the work still got done.) to (I was watching movies all day and I knew that even though I was goofing off, the work would still get done)

      It should be PPS rather than PSS. Maybe put an order link in your in your first PS too.

      Again, I hope this helps and it's nice to see that you've taken the feedback from this thread and improved your letter. I've not written any of this just to knock you, I thought I was genuinely helping you even if other posters did not.
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      Andrew Gould

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      • Profile picture of the author MeTellYou
        Thanks! I really appreciate this. Seriously. I am not even slightly discouraged by anyone's comments here. When I posted, I hoped to get genuine feedback, not a tap on my shoulder, so I like your comments

        Sebastian

        Originally Posted by kfk2003 View Post

        That's a lot better. It reads and looks a lot more professionally. When the finished design is in place I'm sure it will look top notch.

        There's still a few of things you could improve though so here's some suggestions:

        I still think your headline needs a little work.

        'Pretty nasty if you ask me.' Doesn't quite sound right.

        Possibly don't mention Freelancer.com, you don't want people to go there and work everything out for themselves. Possibly turn it into a secret website type bullet.

        $1.5 is normally written $1.50.

        'but now it reality' to 'but now it's a reality'

        (I was watching movies all day and I knew that even though I was off watching movies all day, the work still got done.) to (I was watching movies all day and I knew that even though I was goofing off, the work would still get done)

        It should be PPS rather than PSS. Maybe put an order link in your in your first PS too.

        Again, I hope this helps and it's nice to see that you've taken the feedback from this thread and improved your letter. I've not written any of this just to knock you, I thought I was genuinely helping you even if other posters did not.
        Signature
        [UPDATED] FREE 1-ON-1 MENTORSHIP: Student Makes $12,000 His First Week Of Running Ads
        Skype Me! Skype: yourebookwriter
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        • Profile picture of the author MeTellYou
          [QUOTE=Paul McQuillan;1487538Mal is Santa? A truly magical Christmas this shall be [/QUOTE]

          You're right indeed

          Sebastian
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          [UPDATED] FREE 1-ON-1 MENTORSHIP: Student Makes $12,000 His First Week Of Running Ads
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  • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
    When you claim there's no work involved in your headline, that sets off skeptical alarm bells off the bat. Dull those bells by quickly acknowledging somewhere in your above the fold copy how it sounds unbelievable at first blush... too good to be true, etc.
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