Is this sales page too hype-y?

Yes, it's a bit "hypey." I really think what you've got here is a good first draft. All the "raw materials" you need are present -- you just need to refine them.

Your headline and a couple of your subheads are a little bit over-the-top. For example, your headline -- "The Truth About Your Roof Leak May Shock You..." instantly makes me suspicious of you. It's too much.

I'd kill it and simply use the following, instead...

Discover How A "Little Roof Leak" Can Not Only Damage Your House, But Also Lead To Chronic Health Problems...

(Note: I wouldn't include the contractor's name/quote attribution -- it looks kind of hokey.)

And please note that you have to be careful when using fear. If you scare people too much their fear may paralyze them and result in them doing nothing.

And what's up with that HUGE header?! It needs to be shorter, so more of the copy is pulled upward (above the fold). And, for that matter, I'd much rather see a real photo than one which has been filtered in Photoshop.

Finally, you have an unusual way of bolding the first few words of each sentence. It's as if you're not sure if it's a bullet point with added explanation or a subhead. I think you need to reorganize your copy.

As I said, it's a very good first draft.

Hope this helps.

Regards,

Johnny

I don't think "hype" is the problem either.

I don't know the market very well, but I think you have the basics just fine.

Clean up the fonts and the weird picture at the top. Get the contact form at the bottom set up to feed back into an optimization engine and start testing.

This one will be tough to call without testing.

I'm going to be a little tough on you... Don't take it personally, this is my opinion.

Both Paul and Johnny raise very real concerns. The headline is too much. The fear is wrong. The entire angle is off.

I want to complain about the bolding of the intro to every paragraph but it's the least of your worries. I'll complain anyways. You bold to draw attention. If you try to draw my attention to the next paragraph before I read the current one, you're missing the point.

You see bullets bolded like that a lot. It's because the bolded part is designed to hit a certain nerve with the reader, and if they're interested they can read it, if not they can move on.

Your emphasis is on mundane stuff, so it kills the effect.

Okay, on to the letter.

I wouldn't use the standard IM pitch page for roofing. And this is coming from a guy who uses standard pitch pages all of the time.

It's too much for the target market. Lose all hype. Lose the IM layout. Make it more of an advertorial type of feel. Educate the reader while selling them.

I get what you're trying to do... And I know the story is true. But it's too much. No one is going to believe that a little leak is going to destroy their home. It's too far out there.

You're also killing credibility by not using real names with the story. I think you need to ditch the "leak" angle completely...

Focus on something like a free inspection, and if there are any serious problems it's probably covered by their insurance, which 99.999999% of your qualified prospects should have.

And yeah, it's too "hype-y".

A few examples...

Why are you better than "anybody"?

I don't know your experience level. And there's no proof that you'll do it right the first time.

Good. The last guy who ripped me off told me "I'm untrustworthy, and I'm going to overcharge you for shoddy work"...

I'm being sarcastic, but you give me no reason to believe you.

Big promises without proof = hype. So yeah, you've got a hype problem.

But you've got other problems as well. It tries too hard. It misses the right nerves to hit. In my opinion, it's way off base for the average home owner to connect with.

I think you're missing the mark. Are you trying to convince just any home owner to hire you? It may be smarter to be convincing people looking for roofing services why they should hire you over the competition.

Just a few thoughts.

Good luck.

-Scott

I have just read quickly through it as a complete layman to this kind of thing and without even reading the responses of others I see some glaring problems:

Are we being alarmists? Not really. It has been our experience during 25 years of combined roofing and construction experience, that a seemingly minor issue like a roof leak, if left unattended and unrepaired, can often develop into a very expensive and time-consuming project.

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To have ALL your questions answered in terms you can understand by a specialist with over 25 years in roofing and home construction.

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(first yellow box)
Our team of professionals have been in the roofing industry since 1987. We have done roof installations on everything from commerial buildings to multi-million dollar homes to small, single-family bungalows.

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Dependable and reliable service. Go with an experienced professional and get your roofing construction done right the first time.

--

We here at LCM Builders are not the biggest roofing company in Charlotte NC nor are we just 2 guys with a pickup truck and a ladder either. We have over 25 combined years of experience in roofing and general contracting and construction. So we take our time and do the job right.

So, how many times are you going to bang on about having over 20 years of experience in the industry to fall back on?

You keep on repeating the same 3-4 things all the way down the page, I personally think it is unnecessary and would've given up at about a third of the way down if I hadn't forced myself to look.

And another thing, pointing out potential disasters and using fear to drive people to their chequebooks constantly makes you look at best like an amateur salesman and at worst a conman

Sorry if you think me harsh but tough lol, I believe it stating the honest, brutal truth rather than couching it and softening the blow, I am not a yes-man :p

Okay...I keep getting nailed for using "fear". First of all fear is a valid human emotion just like any other used in writing, like joy, humor, etc. This salesletter is targeted towards people who already have a roof leak but for one reason or another are sitting on the fence on calling someone out to look at it.

Explaining the facts taken from a true case study (hey the family mentioned in the letter settled out of court after losing their home due to extensive mold and mildew problems.) All this from a few roof leaks. No joke. But fear is a sign of a con artist...give me a break.

For example, when I was first diagnosed with diabetes, my doctor asked me to go to a 'diabetic information course" where they would tell how to handle my disease.

The whole 6 weeks I went there...only one person talked to me about the long term negative consequences of my problem. And that was when I was alone with the instructor for the single private session they offered. In open classes they never talked about it.

Let me tell you, every person with diabetes in that class was already scared. We didn't have to have anyone use "fear" to convince us something was wrong. But since every professional was afraid to be upfront about the risks for blindness, amputations, heart attacks, ED, mental fogs, etc. no one talked to us about would really happen if we didn't get a handle on this disease.

So lots of people left the class thinking..."well, gosh this diabetes stuff is not as bad as I thought it was". I know, I heard them talking to others as we left class.

Okay, I understand that I have lots of work to do on this project...but how is telling people the truth...that water leaks into your home will eventually (sooner than most people think because of acid rain and compressed wood building materials) cause wood rot and grow unwanted molds and mildews. All of which can damage your house and your health.

If they have a roof leak, no matter how small, they already are afraid...I'm just trying to push them off the fence into calling for a free inspection. And yes, I understand they can't be frightened forever so this letter will not work for everyone but I am not aiming for everyone with a roofing issue. Just those souls with an obvious leak.

..and the thing with me "banging on" about 25 years is because most roofing and construction companies don't last that long (at least now where I live) and I want people to feel like they can trust my friends to do a good job for them.

You mention that your doctor told you that you had diabetes, it is nowhere near the same thing since he is actually medically certified to be able to give you that information.

A salesman or builder is not, all they can do is keep on stressing that a house is going to fall down if you absolutely do not buy the product they are offering you right now and keep using pressure tactics in that way.

I could set myself up as a builder tomorrow, write a pretty website as the one you just presented and outsource the work to anyone who looks good while carrying a hammer, it is slightly more difficult to get into a surgery room lol

Giving people the facts is all very well and good, but there is the point where it becomes a hardsell and people will turn off, luckily you did it before anyone has even seen a builder from your company so they know just what to expect, kudos on that

~~~

By all means mention that your company has been in business a good long while with a solid reputation, but if you keep on repeating that constantly people will start to wonder what, if anything there is anything you are covering up and it will simply start to become counter productive...

I love how you ask for a critique then ignore everyone who gives you advice... especially when a lot of it is right.

To anyone else who is reading this, here's my lesson of the day/week/whatever...

You have to learn to talk to your market in the way that resonates with them.

Think of a woman who has an abusive husband... especially if the abuse is subtle.

You can't just go and say to them "Hey, your husband's a dick, divorce him already"... even though it's true.

You have to start where their headspace is and lead them to the solution.

So whether what you're saying is true or not isn't the issue... the issue is that it won't resonate with your target market... certainly not in print, and certainly not the way you've written it.

You tried something a bit "out there"... kudos for that. But in my professional opinion, I don't think it'll work nearly as well as it could if you used a different approach.

-Dan

By the way... the fear point to use here is the whole credibility thing, which you've attempted but haven't pulled off.

You need testimonials from satisfied clients... not a list of where you've done repairs.

You need to tell us WHY you've been in business so long... what makes you different... what guarantees you have.

That's the key point to hit here. You need to overcome that inertia somehow.

-Dan

I'd like to suggest you set up a Free download or snail mail "Tips booklet" on these roofing issues.
Problems about if it is let go too long, how to select a qualified repairman, etc.

Then get printed copies into the hands of local welcome wagon groups.
Grocery bill boards,free press newspapers, etc.
Also, hook up with a local certified "home inspector".
Work out some kind of referral/bird dog deal with them.

Get the roofer to record a short video discussing and showing the damage that results from letting the leak go on too long and put that on the site.

Having them show live action results like in those damage photos would get the message to hit home quite effectively.

JMHO get rid of the house photo and only have a killer headline above the fold.

Those damage photos shortly after a headline that works.

What that headline is I have know idea without learning more from the contractor.
"Fix that Tiny Roof Leak Now Before It Turns into a $15,000 Repair Nightmare"
"Tiny Leaks Can Quickly Turn Into An Expensive Repair Headache"
"Make Sure Your Home is Ready to Sell.Let Us Inspect the Roof for Leaks"
The contractor has to see for himself anyway so might as well sell the free inspection although I hate the idea of Free.

When they inspect if they see anything unusual that they can't handle then a referral to the "Certified Inspector" would get a lead.

OR just have a squeeze page for the free tips booklet/guide.

Again JMHO pull the LCM logo off the top and stick it on the bottom.
That doesn't convince anyone of anything.

Maybe hookup with some real estate agents too but, there might be legal issues with that.
People that are selling their homes might be approached also.
Condo associations,rental apartment owners, etc.

This would be a prime candidate to get on Google's Local Search service
https://www.google.com/accounts/Serv...hl=en-US&gl=US
Over all I feel way too much info is on the site.
Try fitting all the crucial points on a post card. Then 'slightly' expand that for the site.

You are only selling them on an appointment NOT to close the deal.
Do some testing with rotating pages. Long copy vs short.

I'd say read the letter and constantly ask, "so what" and "why them"
Any bullet you have you should ask,"can any other of contractor say the same thing?"
Like "Dependable and reliable service." They all say that yes?
Go through the bullets and reduce them. JMHO they are way too wordy.
This is a service that you couldn't(well highly improbable) sell it with the best copy on the planet. An inspection needs to be done before any deal is done.

Hope this is at least some what coherent as it is late sunday night and I'm tired
Also I hope it was slightly helpful as well.Yeah, a bit wordy here too
Good luck.

And P.S. Your asterisk on the bottom - "results not typical" in fine print - is now illegal. You'd better read up on the new FTC regulations. If the results are not typical, you must say so clearly right where you make your point and not in a little notice on the bottom. You must also explain the typical results.

Marcia Yudkin

It looks like a digital download sales page..

Obviously I didn't mean that saying "this is the best coke on the planet because...." is wrong

I meant that saying "Pepsi is the best coke on the planet because coca-cola sucks a ducks ass" might not be the best way to go forward...

Mention the competition if you must in a round-about way, just do not focus on them.

The information presented in the body copy is quite interesting. BUT it's going to be a battle to get people to read that far with that less-than-exciting headline and that strange-looking graphic. You'd be much better off starting with a shot of a broken roof or a mildewed attic or wall than that existing graphic. It's WAY too large too.

"Read on to discover..." looks very arty in that drop-shadow font but it's a bugger to read.

And then you need to cut to the chase. So...how about you start with something like (off the top of my head...this isn't my gig so I'm not gonna sweat it) -


Leading it to your yarn about the mold affecting their health etc. BUT it needs to be supported by a dramatic shot of damaged walls and ceilings - I mean a Total Horror-Show. Perhaps one of the 4 you have will do. Or run them all. Even better - have a shot of the lady of the house in tears looking at the damage or both Mum & Dad holding their hands over their faces in shock at the damage that's reavealed to them by the roofing worker (wearing the Company logo on his shirt).

The page doesn't need a whole lot to get it to work. You've made a very good start. Just needs to be tweaked here and there. cheers, Mal.