Please tell me what you think about my first sales page draft...

17 replies
I have decided to embark on a very challenging journey and that is my first sales page for my first product. I don't have enough money to invest in a good copywriter at the moment and decided I want to do my first product all on my own, included the copy, but unfortunately I am very inexperienced in the copywriting field and beg you to put all your experienced heads together to help me to improve my sales page.

Frankly, I don't have much of a clue of how good this is, but I know it needs lots of improvement. I know a 100 heads are better than one so here is my sales page:

Free Traffic Volcano - Get Free Website Traffic - Get Super Targeted Free Website Traffic

Please critique it for me, especially the general structure, the headings and the header. Thanks a lot for all the help you can possibly give, you guys (and girls) really are the best!
#draft #page #sales
  • Profile picture of the author kfk2003
    That's very impressive for a first attempt. Well done.

    First thing that stood out to me: 'It's not your fault' appears to be in the wrong font.

    You can shorten your sentences, make them punchier.

    Maybe have a slightly bigger margin inside the white box.

    Your bullets Johnson box doesn't look centered. And I didn't like the use of all the blanks and get more benefits rather than features in there.

    Make your PS section stand out a bit more, it's in danger of being lost under the big order button.

    I've not got the time right now for more indepth comments but if no one else has critiqued it by tomorrow I'll give it a proper looking at.

    Andrew Gould

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  • Profile picture of the author bertuseng
    Thanks for the suggestions, Alexa. I also know it needs sparkle, I guess that is where the real talent comes in, hehe. Any suggestions on the benefits or any other specific things about the copy that I can change?

    Any sections that I ommited or that I can add?
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  • Profile picture of the author JamesBone777
    The Pre-head and sub-head must support your Heading.Your heading letters with shadows are a bit annoying to the eye ( i dont know if it's only my eyes ).Change your font to Georgia if you please.Some of your colors appears blunt.But I should say with some revisions of words,like what Alexa mentioned.It's a good try for the first time.My very first Squeeze Page was edited by my mentor,I'm just happy he never changed all of my words,he left few of my sentences hahaha! Goodluck Bertus!
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    • Profile picture of the author jukeboxhero
      1. The website looks like it wants to take my money, not give me money which is a turn off.

      2. Nobody wants more traffic, traffic is only a means to an end, not the end. You need to tie traffic and your system to the end outcome that people are looking for.

      3. Remember people don't care about you. They care about themselves. Point being count how many times you use the word I in the first 4 paragraphs.

      4. Seems like a ton of puff speak. Nothing that make me want to jump out of my shoes and buy.

      5. Try visiting your page as if you were a buyer, my guess is that you wouldn't even dream of giving you money.

      6. Make your page good enough to where you would want to buy from you.

      7. What's up with the strange font change midway down.

      8. Add to cart out tests "Order now" in every scenario that I've run it.

      9. In your P.S. if you really have a "NO BRAINER" then theirs no reason to say it. If you want it to be a no brainer then lead people to that conclusion without coming out and saying it.

      10. Your P.P.S seems to be a very feeble almost pitiful attempt at injecting scarcity. I want to know "Why" it's not going to be around forever. "Why is is selling out fast.

      I hope you don't think I'm just trying to be a jacka$$, I just try to tell it like I would want to hear it.

      Your doing alot of tell and sell. Don't tell people "This is the best product ever"....Show them "How" it;s the best product ever then let them think it on their own.

      good luck
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    • Profile picture of the author Ashley Gable
      Originally Posted by JamesBone777 View Post

      Your heading letters with shadows are a bit annoying to the eye ( i dont know if it's only my eyes ).

      Yes I thought the same, my eyes just couldnt seem to focus on the headline, it felt like when you look at optical illusions.

      But as others have said it is pretty good.

      I would suggest thought to look into some hand drawn arrows for your traffic stats screen shots. The ones you are using kinda blend in, plus the hand drawn arrows add a certain amount of 'personalization" to it.
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      • Profile picture of the author Sam Mlambo
        Originally Posted by Alexa Smith View Post

        Well, look: for a first sales page draft, I have seen much, much worse. I mean, really incomparably worse!

        A few very preliminary little comments (I haven't even read it all properly yet) ...

        1. I think you can (and should) lose the word "ever" in the sub-head "Never pay for web site traffic ever again", leaving "Never pay for web site traffic again". You can use "never, ever" as an emphatic form of "never", but it doesn't read so well when the two words are so far apart, and being a word shorter improves the line, too....

        ...Sorry, this is all I've looked at, really. That and a quick read-through make me think that you're off to a much better start than most people who are writing their own first sales page. Hope to say more tomorrow, some time, when I have more time. Other replies will be far more helpful than mine, anyway. And good luck, Bertus!
        Originally Posted by jukeboxhero View Post

        1. The website looks like it wants to take my money, not give me money which is a turn off....

        ...Your doing alot of tell and sell. Don't tell people "This is the best product ever"....Show them "How" it;s the best product ever then let them think it on their own.

        good luck

        Great job on putting together your first sales page. Alexa Smith and jukeboxhero comments are very spot on. Here are my observations and suggestions:

        1. Pre header - address targeted prospect. "Attention internet marketers: are you tired of struggling to get quality website traffic and not seeing the results you crave for?

        2. Make your headline more effective: "Who else wants to generate...increase profits?

        3. Break down opening deck copy into separate lines so you pull the reader down. Make it easy for reader to start reading copy and gain momentum. Master copywriter Joe Sugarman calls this the "slippery slide"

        4. Break up your bigger paragraphs so it "looks" easy to read. When people see big paragraphs they might think it'll take a lot of their time to read, or might think it's too hard to read.

        5. Center your dashed johnshon boxes (your offer and guarantee box)

        6. I got confused with the blanks within your bullet points. Instead of using blanks why don't you name your strategies/techniques/system with unique names. That adds value plus it makes your reader curious to know what "so and so" technique is.

        7. With your bullets points, start with benefits first then end with features.

        So instead of -- Use my "cheats" and secrets to get thousands of Facebook friends and build a huge list for free.

        Say -- Get Thousands of Facebook friends and build a huge list for FREE with my "cheats" and social media secrets!

        8. Make full product display bigger. Want to emphasize that the reader is getting a lot with this offer so make it appear like that.

        9. Cut down copy block where explain how to implement free video. A lot of puff speak which can be cut out.

        10. You may not need to explain too much about the benefits of unlimited traffic other than saying your system will help generate unlimited traffic so you can make all the money you want online.

        It looks like you're targeting internet marketers who know what they'e doing, they just need help with getting more targeted traffic.

        So try Visualize this benefit "Imagine how great it would be to check your stats and see your website being flooded with targeted traffic from all over the internet... and not only that... you see you're making MORE money with your website! How awesome is that?"

        11. Guarantee box needs to be smaller and aligned in center

        12. Need signature at the bottom.

        13. Need stronger PS.'s because Skimmers will come down to bottom of your site and have no way of knowing the benefits of your offer. Go back and restate benefits, then guarantee, then provide sense of urgency.

        Also you could change last ps sentence to this -- so act today because it may not be here tomorrow...

        Besides that, continue working and I believe you'll be just fine. Nice work with your first. If you need any help don't be afraid to ask!
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  • Profile picture of the author markbyrne
    I'm a little short on time, but here's a quick two cents, which I hope will help for the whole sales copy and not just the headline...

    A few years ago I was lucky enough to be taught about buy signals and NLP etc. It is ultra important to watch the language you use in the copy. replace negative words with positive words, and assume they are already interested in buying the product. A good example is your headline:

    Want To Generate More traffic to your websites and finally increase your profits?

    You WILL Generate More traffic to YOUR websites and increase profits!

    Also, when you see a line of copy that says "If you buy this ebook..." it doesn't jump at you as much as "When you read this ebook" or "When I send you this ebook"

    I like a lot of old school techniques, mainly because it's worked on me in the past, so I think it's a genuinely good way to write copy lol I love to spot NLP in advertising - its a favourite hobby!

    I hope that helped in some way - but each to their own of course!
    Want a stable business in the craft niche? Get started with our MYLAR stencils! UK seller, and made in the UK!

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  • Profile picture of the author Jim Groninger
    Great job at putting together your first sales page.......take the advise.....test and retest......I also found that looking at other products sales pages and copying this and that to enter into my own works well
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  • Profile picture of the author Pipinscott
    Been said very well by the others but...

    Your headline font is hard on the eyes.

    The headline and sub-headlines don't suck and thats a bad thing. I mean they don't suck the reader into the first paragraph of your sales copy.

    It is very important to be benefit driven, and you will have to explain the benefits.

    Ok enough negativity. Pat yourself on the back for getting something up, and it isn't bad (you asked for critique and everyone is giving you information to tweak up your copy)

    Biggie: Remember to split test or track every change you make to be sure you are headed in the right direction. And do not be afraid to revert back and try something else if you need to.

    Keep Failing Forward.
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  • Profile picture of the author bertuseng
    Thanks a lot for all the help, you guys really are amazing. I got some good specific critique that I am very grateful for. I implemented a lot of the advice in my sales letter. Still busy with the allignment of my tables and such. Changing the features into benefits are also difficult for some parts of the page, but I am working on it.

    An improved version is up, hope I could get some extra specific feedback on it.

    Thanks again for all the feedback, I really appreciate it all very much and couldn't have done this without this forum.
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  • Profile picture of the author
    i have three points
    1. fonts are not neat and are disturbing
    2. the ecover is not cool one, very dark..
    3. the order now button is too big and you can use some cool web 2.0 icons

    Let me know if you need any help personally to rectify these. I'm available

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  • Profile picture of the author therealdeal
    Keep up the Great Work!

    Test, Tweak, Test Tweak, over and over and over again...

    That's how you do it...

    but stick with one little change at a time.

    Then track those results.

    hope this helps,

    Have a AWESOME Day!
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