I Need An Honest Sales Letter Review

by James Anderson

Posted: 16 years ago 13 replies

COPY WRITING

Hi Folks,

I am new to the forum and may not be doing this right, if not please let me know.

I would like to have you honest opinion of my sales page and if you are honestly interested, I would like to give you a copy of my product to review. It is in the personal health and grooming area. I plan on actively selling on Wednesday the 1st. of October. So if you are interested you can find my sales page at:

Absolute Must Know Questions About Cosmetic Surgery

I appreciate you taking the time to check it out and I very much would appreciate your HONEST opinion of my efforts. This will be my first product launch and I am very much considering a JV if there is any interest. I am also looking at offering this to Affiliates as well with a 60% commission structure. Again if there is enough interest.

Thanks again,

Jim Anderson
Absolute Must Know Questions About Cosmetic Surgery
fridge2305@gmail.com

#honest #letter #review #sales

zapseo 16 years ago

helps if you actually have a link
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John_S 16 years ago

Just a guess, but this looks about right...

Absolute Must Know Questions About Cosmetic Surgery

The link, that is. The actual copy needs some improvement.

The heading is more about SEO than getting people to read once they get to the page. My suggestion is a benefit headline will get people to read, and won't hurt page rank.

The opening paragraph is an impenetrable block of text. You could safely remove the first third, have the question part as its own paragraph. Then finish with the bottom third as another paragraph.

The bullet points are weak and could be improved a lot.

It's also advisable to make the testimonial stand out more from the regular body copy. Also, the big nagging question is why anyone should listen to you or take your advice. Credentialize yourself.
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- 1 reply
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- R.T.Bucher 16 years ago
  
  It looks really hard to read. It needs a better font. Also, the text needs to broken up, the bullets are more or less features of the product, turn them into benefits.
  
  Thanks
  
  2 replies
  
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  zapseo 16 years ago
  
  To use a word like abdominoplasty then talk about "non-evasive" will label you as uneducated in medical concepts -- and, therefore, your expertise is shot in the eyes of people who know better. (And there are quite a few folks out there. Doesn't mean they wouldn't be prospects for the kind of information that you are promoting.)
  
  If you are going to use medical terminology, better use the right terms. ("non-invasive" is the term you were looking for, I believe. Yes, I do have a medical background. Thank you. )
  
  While there's been some discussion about the merits -- or lack thereof --of salesletter software, there are some benefits. One of those is that it allows the user to get down ideas in an appropriate order.
  
  Which is to say, your letter needs a LOT of work. a LOT.
  
  For instance, talking about the price in the lead paragraph is one of the mistakes that I think most salesletter software would keep you from making.
  
  While salesletter software isn't going to create killer sales letters for you, in general -- it will, at least, prompt you for the appropriate concepts in a reasonable order.
  
  There's lots of salesletter software out there. I don't think I've ever seen any that is horrendous -- just none that hold the promise of the salesletters that sell them. That's because there's more that goes into a salesletter than just getting things in the appropriate order.
  
  I'm sure you can pick up one of the salesletter programs for a song, since a number have resell rights.
  
  I'm sure I have more than a couple around here somewhere, LOL. PM me if you are interested and I'll find some decent programs that don't cost too much.
  
  Live JoyFully!
  
  Judy Kettenhofen, Profit Strategist/Copywriter
  NextDay Copy
  
  PS -- and John_S -- THANK YOU for fixing the links in your sig
  
  Thanks
  
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  Loren Woirhaye 16 years ago
  
  Visually your text is too dense and you need to break
  it up into paragraphs that, as a general rule of thumb,
  are 5 lines or less.
  
  Your fonts are not favorites of mine and the use of italics
  is a little overwhelming.
  
  The headline and subheads don't excite me at all. The picture
  of the ebook looks pretty amateurish too... and people DO
  judge books by their covers.
  
  The copy is quite dry as well. It doesn't excite me and
  furthermore I've seen all kind of articles about cosmetic
  surgery in magazines... so the notion that somebody would
  pay $47.oo for that is clearly a popular women's magazine
  topic with a lot of books available too... well you need to
  be SPECIFIC about why your book is special and unique and
  appropriate to buy RIGHT NOW!
  
  I'm not saying you can't sell an ebook about getting cosmetic
  surgery - just that you really need to position it effectively
  - there are a lot of general resources available for free online,
  from doctors, and at the library.
  
  Basically, in this niche -
  
  - you don't have Exclusivity because there are a lot of other
  resources available.
  
  - you don't have a Price Advantage because there are a lot
  of books available in the $10.oo range, a lot of them written
  by doctors. Your ebook is expensive compared to a lot of
  the other information out there.
  
  - The third area in which you could build distinction is Service -
  and to some extent you have that going for you because
  the buyer can get his or her money back from ClickBank.
  
  So the way I see it all you have going for you in this area
  is a money-back guarantee.
  
  You need to work on your offer to make it a LOT more attractive.
  
  Thanks
  
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natalie1 16 years ago

I like the topic but the ebook cover needs some work. I also agree the font and sizing needs to be looked at.
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James Anderson 16 years ago

Hi Folks;

First, I would like to thank all of you for your time and point of views. I am going to take each of your remarks and the ones that can be incorporated into my product (just about every one so far..!), and perhaps be back in the next few days to have you check out the new and improved product.

I really am new to the forum and would very much like to PM you ZAPSEO, but I am unsure how this is done. I can be reached at:

fridge2305@gmail.com

and would appreciate your help in locating a good sale letter program.

Thank you all again and I look forward to presenting a better product to you before it hits the market.

James Anderson
fridge2305@gmail.com
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New to the group. but hoping to catch up quick.
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- AnarchyAds Banned 16 years ago
  
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  James Anderson 16 years ago
  
  I like the concept...will probably utilize lots of this if you don't mind..looks great..!!!
  
  Thanks
  
  James
  
  Thanks
  
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  New to the group. but hoping to catch up quick.
  
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colmodwyer

16 years ago

I'd try and get a big "When Cosmetic Surgery Goes Wrong" picture front and center and scare the shit out of the reader - Do NOT Get Plastic Surgery Until You Read This... - (or whatever) and then show how your sweeter than pie e-book will allay their fears, save money, choose the right surgeon and whatever else the market will be looking for.

Colm

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- zapseo 16 years ago
  
  - did you know that the most common cause of serious complications
  after surgery is nurses not washing hands before helping you?
  
  As a former nursing student I'd point out it's not JUST nurses, but it's te lack of handwashing by any and all healthcare professionals who have access to the surgical wound -- including physicians. There's actually been a lot of emphasis on hand-washing between patients by all healthcare professionals.
  
  Note that both nursing caps and ties have been pointed to as carriers of infection...(but hospitals are intrinsically dangerous places...)
  
  I'd go with Colm's suggestion -- emotional involvement is where it's at.
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  balara 16 years ago
  
  Hello James,
  You did ask for an honest opinion, so I have taken the liberty of addressing some copywriting issues.
  
  You need to space out your sentences more. Use double breaks to do this.
  
  The testimonial needs to be in a box to identify that it is in fact a testimonial.
  
  Use bullets for your list of benefits.
  
  Too many variations in font size and type and colours.
  
  Here are some spelling and grammatical errors that need correction. There may be more, but I'm doing this on the "fly" so as to speak.
  
  Quote "Absolute Must Know Questions About
  
  Are you considering getting a tummy tuck or other improvements done to yourself..."end quote:
  
  Your sub heading is incomplete. You need to tell readers what it is they need to know about before you commence another sentence.
  
  "One of the most popular cosmetic surgery's performed " ...surgery's should be spelled surgeries, or you could get away with surgerys.
  
  "is mostly "non-evasive"...should be non-invasive.
  
  "Written in laments language"...do you mean lay mans language?
  
  "I welcome you to fill in your name and email above"....this sentence is paragraphs away from your optin form. Perhaps you could insert the form at this point.
  
  "refund gaurantee " should be refund guarantee.
  
  "for futher explaination in the area of each given chapter"...... should be explanation in the area etc etc..
  
  "After you consider all of the possible questions you can forget to ask your doctor regarding your cosmetic surgery,".....you need to reconstruct the entire sentence. As it is, it doesn't make sense.
  
  In the bottom section of your letter, I feel you are overly pushing the sales
  pitch. It reminds me of the quote "I fear the man protesteth too loudly!"
  
  I hope you take the time to correct these errors. A well written sales letter instills confidence in the reader that the book being advertised will also be well written and they are therefore more likely to make a purchase.
  
  Sincerely
  Veronica
  
  --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  
  Thanks
  
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MaskedMarketer

16 years ago

Originally Posted by colmodwyer

Def. agree with this as channeling your prospects fear is greater than using pleasure. Fear and uncertainty is powerful.

Just look at how the economy reacts to fear and uncertainty, its effective.

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1 reply

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maurice 16 years ago

Here's what I would do if I was paid to re-write this sales letter...

1. Re-do the headline. I liked the suggested headline by AnarchyAds.
2. Create a more grabbing opening phrase.
3. Write paragraphs in 1-3 lines and no more.
4. Widen the page about 10%.
5. Use arial or times new roman font.
6. Re-write your bullet list to be more grabbing.
7. Create a more professional looking ebook graphic. There are plenty of folks on the
forum that could do this for you cheap.

These are just a few suggestions...

Maurice
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