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"Quit your day dreaming melonhead".. (sales letter critique)

by Martin Brock
6 replies
..as I just overheard grandpa Simpson telling Homer. Well, I decided to take him up on the good advice as well and head this way for some constructive feedback on a sales page.

And where else to go than the Warrior Forum?

It's been about 2 years since my last post - seems like a lot has happened in here while I have been missing in action. I just recently decided to give up my day job as a PPC/SEO specialist and go full time online.

The sales page is for a website I recently bought with my business partner - and now, due to the complete lack of a sales process we decided to at least implement one

Order button has been disabled. There is a floating layer for lead generation, but don't try it - it's configured to melt your monitor if you enter your email - or maybe it's just not active.

The temporary URL for the sales page can be found here:

If you recognize some the words on some of the pages, it's because some passages were "lifted" from a very well known warrior member -- but we do have rights.

The sales copy is not particularly "salesy" - this is because we are intentionally aiming for a more serious segment who ideally have made a well thought out decision to buy. We are not really aiming to do a big launch either. We are more interested in less, but more successful, customers. This is is why many of the typical sales letter components have been left out intentionally. We have also decided to go for the next/previous page style rather than the long letter much for similar reasons.

Here are a few areas where I already know the sales process is lacking:

- it lacks social proof (we are in the process of adding customer reviews/testimonials on sub+main page(s))
- credibility boosters (there are a few in the bottom, but I guess we could use a few more good ones)
- header graphic (we will add some check box style benefits in the header area)
- headline -- it is quite boring, but I have failed to come up with a qualified alternative
- video will be added - both a sales video and demo videos
- make better use of cliffhangers before next button on each page

It's not proof-read or anything yet, so no need to point out the small errors - but otherwise don't hold anything back.. be brutal!

Martin

And thanks in advance!
#critique #letter #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Moolah_Copywriting
    Martin,

    Congrats to you for getting started on this.

    My thoughts:
    1. Do you have a clear vision of who your target will be for this product. Your first page feels as if you are shouting at a crowd rather than talking to me as an individual.
    2. What specific problem are you trying to solve for the reader - no one wakes up wanting push-button software and if they did - every body is selling it. You need to differentiate
    3. My own testing shows a 30-40% drop off between pages on multi-page websites. Give serious thought to exactly why you are using this format.

    Most importantly,
    Trash that "I don't want to be salesy" nonsense right now. You only sound salesy when you write lousy copy. People want to understand why your product is the best. They want to know that you are passionate about its benefits. They want YOU to move THEM to the point of taking action. If you don't execute great "salesmanship in print" you will be eaten alive by the competitor who does.

    I understand that you don't want to come off as a sleazy salesman. So, don't. Write powerful and persuasive copy instead. But don't be naive - you are going to have to position and sell this product. You don't have a monopoly.

    Ok, off my soap-box.

    Stan
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  • Profile picture of the author Martin Brock
    Stan,

    Thanks a lot for your comments. Just what I needed to get back on track

    I think you are right about the "salesy" point. We don't want to come across as sleazy, but I guess that is not an excuse to write less powerful copy. I will work on that! I just replaced the headline with a new one - it's not really formatted very well, it was just a quick idea that I'll try to improve upon. Comments welcome!

    Our target market is Internet entrepreneurs who want to run a feature rich local business portal without the technical hassles. That should probably be emphasized more on the main page as well.

    We will split test the next/previous page format up against a long letter as well. Should be interesting to see the results.

    Thanks again
    Martin
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  • Profile picture of the author rawservices
    haha i have those buttons from graphicriver ;-)

    Keep re-working your headline, you need it to "hook" the reader more with something that seems out of place.

    For example:
    "Amazing Technique Discovered By One-Legged Golfer Takes 3 Strokes off Your Golf Game Instantly!"

    (Example from a Perry Marshall Book)

    Now what doesn't belong in that sentence? Well duh: ONE LEGGED GOLFER??!

    I HAVE to read more.

    That is how you want to create your current headline, and all headlines in your future.

    ALSO, I have no idea what "Local Internet" means. ( I DO, but most wont )

    Explain it like a benefit.

    Example:

    "How Would You Like To Control YOUR Local Hometown Economy By Implementing a 20 Minute Script Designed To Give You The Key To The City?"

    Anywho, I hope this made sense and helped, that's all Im trying to do :-)

    Have a good night!

    -Ryan
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    • Profile picture of the author Martin Brock
      Graphicriver is wonderful place

      The idea with "local Internet" was to create curiosity. But this is where my inexperience with direct sales becomes painfully evident.

      I'll try to come up with some alternatives. And thanks for the suggestion, I can definitely use that to write a few more variations.

      Originally Posted by rawservices View Post

      haha i have those buttons from graphicriver ;-)

      Keep re-working your headline, you need it to "hook" the reader more with something that seems out of place.

      For example:
      "Amazing Technique Discovered By One-Legged Golfer Takes 3 Strokes off Your Golf Game Instantly!"

      (Example from a Perry Marshall Book)

      Now what doesn't belong in that sentence? Well duh: ONE LEGGED GOLFER??!

      I HAVE to read more.

      That is how you want to create your current headline, and all headlines in your future.

      ALSO, I have no idea what "Local Internet" means. ( I DO, but most wont )

      Explain it like a benefit.

      Example:

      "How Would You Like To Control YOUR Local Hometown Economy By Implementing a 20 Minute Script Designed To Give You The Key To The City?"

      Anywho, I hope this made sense and helped, that's all Im trying to do :-)

      Have a good night!

      -Ryan
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  • Profile picture of the author Tools For IM
    Originally Posted by Martin Brock View Post

    The sales copy is not particularly "salesy" - this is because we are intentionally aiming for a more serious segment who ideally have made a well thought out decision to buy.
    If your definition of "more serious segment" is someone who already has established a base of business, either online or brick and mortar, then I would have to say that your headline isn't fitting quite right.

    I don't think being the "next to cash in" is a compelling enough motivator to use as a headline, and I'll probably get slaughtered for saying this, but I don't think you need a headline at all in this particular application of web copy.

    The problem isn't being overtly "salesy" as much as it is clearly defining who would be interested in owning a PHP Portal Script anyway. Additionally, what sources of traffic will you be pursuing for this product? That's a big component to consider before making any decisions on the status of your current copy.

    I think you might find that paginating the copy will hurt your sales conversions in this case. Why exactly paginate your copy rather than go long-form? What's the real reason? You're essentially doing the same thing here, except you're forcing your reader to click 8 times to get roughly the same amount of content. I don't think it would be a bad idea to utilize your extra content areas towards the bottom of each page to make individual call to actions based on the context of those pages.

    Any risk reversal being built in here? I don't see any sign of it on the site, and I'd say for a product such as this, you'd be shooting yourself in the foot if you didn't throw it in. It just needs to be done, simple as that.
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    • Profile picture of the author Martin Brock
      Actually what I mean with a more serious segment is this: we want more than anything is very many real success stories from our customers and use those as a pre-selling mechanism in our marketing. So naturally, we want our customers to become very successful - that's why we'd rather want 10 customers who follow through rather than a 100 with rampant or borderline ADD who buy anything that smells like quick money. No offense intended

      I think that is a desirable outcome, although the means applied may be wrong.

      No headline? I'm not sure I can visualize the page without a headline. But I agree each page need to be individual closers. Will work on that.

      About the pagination - I can't understand why a potential customer in any market would prefer a long letter. I mean long letters are impossible to get anything out of as a reader in my opinion (people scan, yes I know - but still). So the real reason is simply that navigation is easier. And pagination does make the prospect interact with the site, and get them into the habit of clicking - hopefully. But I can see that we will probably need to test it.

      In regards to traffic, the segment will be the online marketing segment. I know this is not an easy market, that's why we will put a lot of emphasis on pre-selling with real customer stories as mentioned.

      We haven't yet decided how to approach risk reversal, but you are right - it's hard to be anywhere near competitive without it.


      Originally Posted by Tools For IM View Post

      If your definition of "more serious segment" is someone who already has established a base of business, either online or brick and mortar, then I would have to say that your headline isn't fitting quite right.

      I don't think being the "next to cash in" is a compelling enough motivator to use as a headline, and I'll probably get slaughtered for saying this, but I don't think you need a headline at all in this particular application of web copy.

      The problem isn't being overtly "salesy" as much as it is clearly defining who would be interested in owning a PHP Portal Script anyway. Additionally, what sources of traffic will you be pursuing for this product? That's a big component to consider before making any decisions on the status of your current copy.

      I think you might find that paginating the copy will hurt your sales conversions in this case. Why exactly paginate your copy rather than go long-form? What's the real reason? You're essentially doing the same thing here, except you're forcing your reader to click 8 times to get roughly the same amount of content. I don't think it would be a bad idea to utilize your extra content areas towards the bottom of each page to make individual call to actions based on the context of those pages.

      Any risk reversal being built in here? I don't see any sign of it on the site, and I'd say for a product such as this, you'd be shooting yourself in the foot if you didn't throw it in. It just needs to be done, simple as that.
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