Help Me Improve My Sales Page

16 replies
Hey guys,

I just finished up a new sales page and I need some help with it.

I've been working on this page for a while and for some reason I feel like its not very good but I can't figure out why. Is it too short?

Any suggestions would be much appreciated.

#improve #page #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Mr. Enthusiastic
    You have three links in your signature. Which is the one you want reviewed?

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      • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
        Hi hyperlite,

        I'm not dense, but you lost me on what I would be doing to make all this money.

        I believe when you say the words "drop ship," you imply something. Whatever that something is, I am not understanding.

        Other than that, I think you have to do "a change up." It reads too much like a template copywriting example.

        Infuse some personality, add some credibility and believeability.

        Those are my comments.

        - Rick Duris
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      • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
        Few things,

        Testimonials first. Instead of having "Customer Testimonials" as the headline, draw a good quote from the testimonial itself and use that as the head.

        Your personal e-mail is cellulite related. Change it to something more authoritative or connected with drop shipping.

        I'd also credentialize yourself further. There has to be some angle of your time in drop shipping you can parlay into some type of authority building. Just saying you've got over a decade of experience is too bland. Too wishy-washy. Tell me what you did in those ten years and I'll help you spin it into something with more authority.

        As far as your above the fold goes, just from a quick read of your letter I'd go for a more newsy angle... (quick first draft alert)

        Want to balloon your profits with no inventory or shipping headaches? Drop Shipping is the obvious answer. Yet, for controversial reasons you'll soon appreciate...

        REAL Drop Shipping Companies Don't Advertise On Search Engines...

        Yet as the Deacon Of Drop Ship... Allan Morgan, reveals in a new insider guide... pin-point the drop ship "golden boys" and you too can join savvy entrepreneurs who put their products in the hands of customers all over the world while barely lifting a finger.

        Hope this helps Allan. Good luck.

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  • Hey,
    Congrats to you for taking action. Most people don't get past the "dreaming" stage.

    I'll just focus on the headline and lead because it has the most impact on your conversions.

    1. Your headline is way too general. You need to speak to a specific person, with a specific problem and promise a specific solution.
    2. You are using dead words/phrases. "Industry Expert", "Reveals", "Secrets", "Massively". All of these words need proof before anyone will believe them. Specifics will add the proof that a person will need believe your headline.
    3. The lead needs to grab me by the heart and shake - HARD. Your opening paragraph is so vanilla that it's invisible. Take off the gloves and really get inside your reader's head. You need to immediately tell the story of how Dropshipping is the absolute best way to do business - and so on.

    I'm sure my fellow copywriters will help you with the specifics on your headline -

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    • Profile picture of the author Paul Hooper-Kelly
      Hi Allan,

      That's a nice graphic (love the jigsaw piece).

      The headline does need some work (I might post on that later, when I've mulled it over). But what concerns me most is you don't seem to be targeting this at a particular niche.

      I don't know how you propose to get traffic, but you really should target people who are already interested in drop shipping, rather than just anyone who wants to make money (far too big). That means you can remove the "How drop shipping works" section, because you have more important stuff for that early section.

      But first, you need a pre-heading that calls out to your target market - just as you'd call out to your buddy in a crowded room. For example:

      ATTENTION If you're not making any money drop shipping, then this is for you...

      First and foremost, your opening of the body of the letter needs to be different. This is the crucial transistion from heart-stopping headline to the start of your pitch proper, so it's vital you don't drop the ball here.

      It's not generally known that there are about eight different mini sales you need to make in order to achieve the BIG ONE.

      And the headline is the "read me" sale - to stop the visitor in their track and excite their curiosity and their "What's in for me?" radar.

      Then comes the "Why you should listen to me" sale. And that's where you open the letter. In this section you need to immediately start building trust and providing proof you are worth their time reading the letter.

      Later in the existing letter you say: "I've been in the drop shipping industry for over 10 years. I've seen and done it all."

      You need to move that to the first section, enlarge on that greatly - and provide proof.

      Presumably you had struggles in the beginning. So, that's where you start.


      Because people like people who are like them. So, if you can get alongside them and relate your early struggles with what they are facing right now, you'll immediately begin to build empathy.

      Then you can move on to relate how you finally made the breakthrough into success. And support this with strong proof.

      Once you've done that, you can introduce your product.

      And tell them how you've done all the hard work and made all the false starts so it will be as easy as painting by numbers for them to follow you. And it won't take them anything like the ten years it took you.

      That's just to start you off. I'm sure others will take up the torch for you.


      I've had a chance to look at your headline, now, and here's one idea ...

      "I Used To Be Broke All The Time ... But Last Year I Made $1,456,009 Profit - Without Handling A Single Piece Of Inventory ... All From The Comfort Of My Own Home!

      Of course you can only go along these lines if it's true, but it will give you an idea of the "rags to riches" hook you might be able to use.

      You'll also notice the quite specific amount of profit. That's important, because it adds trust (although it must also be true, of course).

      Your deck copy is going in the right direction, so how about ...
      Read on to discover how you too can join our secret super-rich elite club of happy entrepeneurs who thousands every week.

      Best bit - you can test drive it for free, if you choose...

      Put all three sections together and you get ...

      ATTENTION If you're not making any money drop shipping, then this is for you...

      "I Used To Be Broke All The Time ... But Last Year I Made $1,456,009 Profit - Without Handling A Single Piece Of Inventory ... All From The Comfort Of My Own Home!

      Read on to discover how you too can join our secret super-rich elite club of happy entrepeneurs who make thousands every week.

      Best bit - you can test drive it for free, if you choose...

      THEN PUT PROOF (Bank statement, accountant's letter or testimonial) HERE

      And before someone rightly points out Ted Nicholas says that 17 words is the maximum for headlines, allow me to say - in my defense - John Carlton's "One legged golfer" headline has more than 17 and, boy, that worked.

      Warmest regards,

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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    The site name doesn't really help you and it's probably infringing the copyright of the "Idiots Guide to" books anyway. But know what? This just reeks of "scam". Ditch the "as seen on" BS. The FTC will have you for that and it looks cheesy and scammy. Cut to the chase. What have you got? Why is it good? Why should we have one too? Educate me - don't try and bullsh*t me.

    What Exactly is "Drop Shipping"
    - and Can You Make Money From It?

    Drop shipping is a fairly new form of eCommerce where a retailer can sell products without ever holding any inventory. A retailer lists products for sale, usually on the Internet, at their own chosen retail price. When a customer places an order, they go to their wholesale supplier and have the item shipped directly to the customer.

    They collect the retail price, pay the wholesale price, and keep the difference. The customer never knows any of this is happening.

    Show me the money

    Here's how you make money from drop shipping - great money! Enough to flick the day job and work at home.

    yada yada yada

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    • Profile picture of the author wordwizard
      Well, you got some great advice already.

      The thing that struck me most was the total disconnect between what you're selling in the headline and how to start your letter - which seems to address the total newbie who doesn't know WHAT they're interested in doing.

      Decide which one you want to reach (and I agree that people who are looking for dropshipping how-to specifically are a better bet) and then make the whole letter target that audience, one person at a time.

      So either have a headline directed at a newbie -- wondering where to get started with making money online...

      Read on to discover the hottest...etc.

      And stay focused on that angle...

      OR address the drop-shipping info seeker and stay wtih drop shipping and how to do it.

      Good luck.


      FREE Report: 5 Ways To Grow Your Affiliate Income

      Let Me Help You Sell: Sales Letters, Email Series, Pre-Sell Reports... PM me & we'll talk!
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      • Profile picture of the author hyperlite
        Wow. Lots of great advice here. Thank you so much to everybody who contributed.

        I'll make some updates and check back later with my new and improved copy.

        Thanks again!
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        • Profile picture of the author hyperlite
          Ok. I've made several of the suggested changes and I think its looking a lot better. Paul & Ross, I used some of your suggested phrases on my page, I hope you don't mind.

          Take a look and see what you think.
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          • Profile picture of the author wordwizard
            Just took a peek at the revised copy.

            It's more focused now. That's good.

            Still... it does have a lot of "I" in it. And right from the start. Try for more "YOU" especially in the beginning. Tell the story from their point of view.

            Then switch to "I" only once they wonder how come you can help them.

   wasn't always like this. 10 years ago, I was....

            That sort of thingng.

            FREE Report: 5 Ways To Grow Your Affiliate Income

            Let Me Help You Sell: Sales Letters, Email Series, Pre-Sell Reports... PM me & we'll talk!
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            • Profile picture of the author Paul Hooper-Kelly
              Hi hyperlite,

              Yes, that's getting better. You got the idea.

              Another thing you can do is change the salutation to ... Dear fellow entrepreneur,

              That will help generate the "We're buddies" emotion you want to create.

              When I used to sell face to face, I found that to literally sit ALONGSIDE the prospect - rather that sit OPPOSITE them - made it far easier to close the sale.

              Also, although the "Six Figures" is just about okay in the headline, you really need to have a specific sum, when you repeat that, later on. After all, six figures can mean from one hundred grand right up to $999,000

              What's more, specificity is vital to add credibility.

              For that reason, it should be an exact figure, as I showed in my first post here. So, instead of $100,000, use $101,653 (or whatever the exact figure is).

              Warmest regards,

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              • Profile picture of the author jukeboxhero
                1. "ATTENTION If you're not making any money drop shipping, then this is for you..."

                This opener creates an IMMEDIATE disconnect for anyone who is not currently drop shipping....So unless your trying to sell ONLY to people who are already drop shipping I would can that one.

                2. Your opener is all about YOU...Nobody cares about you. Visitors only care about themselves and WIIFM (What's in it for me)

                3. The entire opener is complete fluff speak...On most levels it says "Hey look at me this is what I did"....

                4. How much money is "Financial independence"?

                5. Go through each of your bullets with the silent "So that" modifier...Go through each and get real specific...Tangible results.

                6. Go through your copy sentence by sentence and ask "Who cares" then eliminate the fluff.

                HOLD THE BOAT---I just made my way down the page and you've got "So what is drop shipping"...but you've got an opener of
                "ATTENTION If you're not making any money drop shipping, then this is for you..."

                Do you see the disconnect? Your opener is saying "This is for you if your not making money drop shipping" then your copy is telling them what drop shipping is"...

                Great to see your taking action, I've gotta roll....keep on, keeping on.

                If Copywriting Legends Like John Carlton, Gary Halbert and Even Franky Kern Recommend

                >>>> This <<<<

                Shouldn't You Pay Attention
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  • Profile picture of the author hyperlite
    Boy am I confused. I thought I was supposed to build credibility right off the bat but now everyone is saying that I shouldn't talk about myself.

    I'm also on the fence about targeting only people who are already drop shipping. I don't want to limit the target market too much.
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    • Profile picture of the author Paul Hooper-Kelly
      Hi Sean,

      That's why we copywriters spend years learning our trade!

      It's a bit like you trying to trying to defend yourself in a court, when your only legal training is watching a couple of episodes of "Law And Order".

      Anyway, back to your specific question ...

      It's true you should not talk about yourself - in isolation - but only to build trust and empathy with your reader.

      You should talk about yourself and your experiences, so it draws the reader closer to you. We all like people who are like ourselves.

      So, you should start off the body of the letter saying you know exactly how they feel, because you've been in the same position and you've been really frustrated (just like they probably are, right now) to know there's a boatload of money to be made - if only you could "crack the code".

      Then, when you've rubbed salt in the wound, tell them you've found the answer and go on to reveal your product.

      In truth, it's very difficult to create a compelling sales letter this way, because everyone has a different viewpoint and level of experience. So you're bound to end up with a lot of conflicting and confusing advice and not know what to believe.

      It's a bit like trying to create a super-car with a windshield from a Ford, an Audi engine, wheels from a BMW and a hood from a Toyota. It ends up without any synergy at all.

      For a sales letter to work well, it deserves a more considered, single-minded, professional approach.

      Warmest regards,

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