Help Me Improve My Sales Page

Oops!

This is the one I meant:
Drop Shipping 4 Idiots - Professional Drop Shipping Program

Sorry.

Hi Allan,

That's a nice graphic (love the jigsaw piece).

The headline does need some work (I might post on that later, when I've mulled it over). But what concerns me most is you don't seem to be targeting this at a particular niche.

I don't know how you propose to get traffic, but you really should target people who are already interested in drop shipping, rather than just anyone who wants to make money (far too big). That means you can remove the "How drop shipping works" section, because you have more important stuff for that early section.

But first, you need a pre-heading that calls out to your target market - just as you'd call out to your buddy in a crowded room. For example:

ATTENTION If you're not making any money drop shipping, then this is for you...

First and foremost, your opening of the body of the letter needs to be different. This is the crucial transistion from heart-stopping headline to the start of your pitch proper, so it's vital you don't drop the ball here.

It's not generally known that there are about eight different mini sales you need to make in order to achieve the BIG ONE.

And the headline is the "read me" sale - to stop the visitor in their track and excite their curiosity and their "What's in for me?" radar.

Then comes the "Why you should listen to me" sale. And that's where you open the letter. In this section you need to immediately start building trust and providing proof you are worth their time reading the letter.

Later in the existing letter you say: "I've been in the drop shipping industry for over 10 years. I've seen and done it all."

You need to move that to the first section, enlarge on that greatly - and provide proof.

Presumably you had struggles in the beginning. So, that's where you start.

Why?

Because people like people who are like them. So, if you can get alongside them and relate your early struggles with what they are facing right now, you'll immediately begin to build empathy.

Then you can move on to relate how you finally made the breakthrough into success. And support this with strong proof.

Once you've done that, you can introduce your product.

And tell them how you've done all the hard work and made all the false starts so it will be as easy as painting by numbers for them to follow you. And it won't take them anything like the ten years it took you.

That's just to start you off. I'm sure others will take up the torch for you.

STOP PRESS:

I've had a chance to look at your headline, now, and here's one idea ...


Of course you can only go along these lines if it's true, but it will give you an idea of the "rags to riches" hook you might be able to use.

You'll also notice the quite specific amount of profit. That's important, because it adds trust (although it must also be true, of course).

Your deck copy is going in the right direction, so how about ...



Put all three sections together and you get ...


ATTENTION If you're not making any money drop shipping, then this is for you...


And before someone rightly points out Ted Nicholas says that 17 words is the maximum for headlines, allow me to say - in my defense - John Carlton's "One legged golfer" headline has more than 17 and, boy, that worked.

Warmest regards,

Paul

Well, you got some great advice already.

The thing that struck me most was the total disconnect between what you're selling in the headline and how to start your letter - which seems to address the total newbie who doesn't know WHAT they're interested in doing.

Decide which one you want to reach (and I agree that people who are looking for dropshipping how-to specifically are a better bet) and then make the whole letter target that audience, one person at a time.

So either have a headline directed at a newbie -- wondering where to get started with making money online...

Read on to discover the hottest...etc.

And stay focused on that angle...

OR address the drop-shipping info seeker and stay wtih drop shipping and how to do it.

Good luck.

Elisabeth

Hi Sean,

That's why we copywriters spend years learning our trade!

It's a bit like you trying to trying to defend yourself in a court, when your only legal training is watching a couple of episodes of "Law And Order".

Anyway, back to your specific question ...

It's true you should not talk about yourself - in isolation - but only to build trust and empathy with your reader.

You should talk about yourself and your experiences, so it draws the reader closer to you. We all like people who are like ourselves.

So, you should start off the body of the letter saying you know exactly how they feel, because you've been in the same position and you've been really frustrated (just like they probably are, right now) to know there's a boatload of money to be made - if only you could "crack the code".

Then, when you've rubbed salt in the wound, tell them you've found the answer and go on to reveal your product.

In truth, it's very difficult to create a compelling sales letter this way, because everyone has a different viewpoint and level of experience. So you're bound to end up with a lot of conflicting and confusing advice and not know what to believe.

It's a bit like trying to create a super-car with a windshield from a Ford, an Audi engine, wheels from a BMW and a hood from a Toyota. It ends up without any synergy at all.

For a sales letter to work well, it deserves a more considered, single-minded, professional approach.

Warmest regards,

Paul.