Sales Letter Advice Please

14 years ago

Originally Posted by golfswingsecret

Hello all,

I've read many of the critiques of sales pages here and really enjoyed the information many of you have been kind enough to offer.

I'm hoping you might have a look at mine and offer any suggestions/comments you might have. Thanks in advance.

thegolfswingsecret.com

Best wishes to all for a profitable 2010,

Ben

Ben, this is just my opinion, but your first 3 headlines (pre-head, head,
subhead) need work. The subhead is actually pretty good, but the main
headline in red, needs to be more specific.

What results?

Be specific. You need to grab these people right away.

What I was actually looking for in your main headline is what you put
in the subhead under it (hit longer straighter shots, etc.)

But you need to be even more specific.

Something like.

"How Would You Like To Add 100 Yards To Your Drives In As Little As
30 Minutes?"

I don't know golf that well, so if adding 100 yards to a drive is not
realistic, stick a number in there that is.

Point is, you have just a few seconds to grab somebody's attention and
that headline isn't going to do it.

At least it doesn't do it for me.

Thanks
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golfswingsecret 14 years ago

Thanks for taking the time to comment. Sometimes when you look at something a long time, you can't see it anymore and miss something pretty obvious...

Thanks again,

Ben
- Thanks
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The Copy Nazi

Banned 14 years ago

The standard for golf swing ads was pretty much set by Gary Halbert and his protegé John Carlton. Here's Carlton's headline -

Amazing Secret Discovered By
One-Legged Golfer Adds 50 Yards
To Your Drives, Eliminates Hooks
and Slices... And Can Slash Up To 10 Strokes From Your Game
Almost Overnight!

Thanks
2 replies

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TimCastleman 14 years ago

Ben -

Instant Gratification. That is what people want. Show them the results they need as quickly as possible. I'll look over the letter more later.

Tim
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golfswingsecret

14 years ago

As a newish marketer... how close is too close if I were to choose to swipe the idea of that headline?

Golf Swing Secret Discovered By
Former PGA Professional With Ruptured Disc Adds 30+ Yards
To Your Drives, Eliminates Hooking
and Slicing... And Will Slash Up To 10 Strokes From Your Score Practically
Overnight!

I guess what I'm saying is would using something like this be ethical?

Thanks for any input!

Ben

Thanks
1 reply

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Mr. Subtle

14 years ago

Originally Posted by golfswingsecret

I guess what I'm saying is would using something like this be ethical?

I'm guessing you already know the answer.

.

Thanks
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golfswingsecret

14 years ago

[DELETED]

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golfswingsecret

14 years ago

OK I changed the headline up a bit based on the suggestion posted by Metronicity.
Any additional comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

www dot thegolfswingsecret.com

I've been promoting this site in my spare time for over 3 years and the site itself gets 75-100 unique visitors daily, all free traffic coming from a combination of article marketing, video marketing and blogging along with several front page rankings in google. The page averages 2 -5 sales a week. It seems that with the amount of traffic I'm getting I should be making more than a handful of sales a month but I really have no marker to gage against. Can anyone suggest a reasonable number of sales I should be targeting based on 2500 visitors a month?

I've been working on the copy and testing for a long time and can't seem to make any head way as it relates to sales. The product actually does what it says and customer satisfaction has been one of my stronger points with 3 or less returns each of the last 2 years.

I'm lost and I'm guessing it shows.

Thanks in advance,

Ben

Thanks
1 reply

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The Copy Nazi

Banned 14 years ago

Originally Posted by golfswingsecret

OK I changed the headline up a bit based on the suggestion posted by Metronicity.
Any additional comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

www dot thegolfswingsecret.com

I've been promoting this site in my spare time for over 3 years and the site itself gets 75-100 unique visitors daily, all free traffic coming from a combination of article marketing, video marketing and blogging along with several front page rankings in google. The page averages 2 -5 sales a week. It seems that with the amount of traffic I'm getting I should be making more than a handful of sales a month but I really have no marker to gage against. Can anyone suggest a reasonable number of sales I should be targeting based on 2500 visitors a month?

I've been working on the copy and testing for a long time and can't seem to make any head way as it relates to sales. The product actually does what it says and customer satisfaction has been one of my stronger points with 3 or less returns each of the last 2 years.

I'm lost and I'm guessing it shows.

Thanks in advance,

Ben

Try hitting the "thanks" button. That's what it's for.

[ 1 ] Thanks

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Mr. Subtle

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Mr. Subtle

I'm guessing you already know the answer.

.

Looks like you do not.

.

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simdog

14 years ago

Hey Ben, I just wanted to add my two cents.

That headline makes me cringe. It's so close to Carlton's headline but the problem is you don't have the hook Carlton had... so it just doesn't work for me.

Also, if you're going to use headlines with huge claims like that I would at least follow it up with some proof. For all I know you're just another Joe. I don't' find out that you're a PGA anything until I've stopped reading.

By the way, what is a Class A PGA Member? I would suggest you call it something that make sense to golfers who don't know the inner workings of the PGA. For all I know you could only be a club fitter.

Anyway, I put a quick headline together for you. I'm not sure what your practice time is for people to pick up your system and succeed but I threw in 30 minutes a week for grins (maybe it's 30 minutes a day or a month... I don't know). Obviously if I knew more about your program we could get more specific and find a great hook.

Finally! A Simple, Straight Forward And Easy System That Shows You
How To Rip Drives 30+ Yards Farther, Slash Your Score Up To 10 Shots,
And Remove The Words 'Hook' And 'Slice' From Your Vocabulary
In As Little As 30 Minutes A Week! Guaranteed!

The next thing I would say is... how's your return rate? If it makes sense for you to get bold I would even recommend a better than money back guarantee and offer them a few dollars just for trying.

You're up against stiff competition in the industry, it might be worth testing to see if you get more takers. Then I would include that in the headline or deck copy.

The first few paragraphs kind of fizzle out for me. I'm a golfer and you're not hitting my sweet spots. I don't want to play better. I don't want distance and consistency. I want to demolish my friends on the golf course... I want to rip past their drives... I want to take their friggin money.

Later in your letter you address these things. I would try using those hot spots earlier on to grab attention. Feed the emotion first then follow it up with consistency and distance when they're already reading.

Your "order now" button really bugged me being so early in your letter. I'm sure some copywriters will disagree with me and that's ok... I don't think you've done enough to tell your prospect what you can do for them and proven it to sell them so early.

Anyway, that's it for now. I hope this helped some.

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golfswingsecret

14 years ago

Thanks simdog... I put your headline in place and will address some of your other suggestions in the am. I appreciate your time and your help. It'll be interesting to see what happens.

To address your question, a Class A Member of the PGA is, next to a Master Professional, the highest rank, so to speak, you can achieve in the PGA of America. It means you have done your time as an apprentice to another Professional, you have passed all the necessary training to teach and manage a golf facility and that you have passed your playing ability test. In addition to this training, I also played professionally for a short time with very little success.

I actually developed the golf swing secret program as I was rebuilding my own game after back surgery for a ruptured disc which forced me into a two year absence from the game.

The notes I have read so far here have been very enlightening as I have been trying to understate the sales pitch rather than hit my prospects over the head with it and it seems that this bolder, more in your face approach is favored by those who have offered opinions.

I think I've learned more here in one afternoon for free than in all the products and programs I've purchased trying to market The Golf Swing Secret.

Thanks again,

Ben

Thanks
1 reply

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Intrepreneur

14 years ago

I Swing and Hit The Green Everytime Guaranteed! No Hook, No Slice, So Why Can't You?
If You've Been Having a Hard Time on The Green, I Know How You Feel

Now Is Your Chance to Become Pro and In Less Than 30 Minutes Learn How To Swing and Hit Your Ball Like Tiger Woods.. Just Follow Along and See For Yourself..

My Interesting Story.

Some sub heads.

Even After Expensive Coaching He Couldn't Do It
Teh story of the gu whou could't get it right
Tiger Woods Knows This Too
He knows all the secrets
Even With a $20 Driver
A bad workman blames his tools
He Won Every Match
Some famous golf player who won everything..

sales funnel

2 X exit stop:

First - $1 trail.
Second - Email capture.

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golfswingsecret

14 years ago

First, great thanks to all who have commented.

I have made a bunch of changes to the site www [dot] thegolfswingsecret.com

... Any thoughts would be appreciated. Shoot some holes in it.

Ben

Thanks
1 reply

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Intrepreneur

14 years ago

Originally Posted by golfswingsecret

First, great thanks to all who have commented.

I have made a bunch of changes to the site www [dot] thegolfswingsecret.com

... Any thoughts would be appreciated. Shoot some holes in it.

Ben

The headline is too much. Use my headline and suggestions for the sales funnel process.

Thanks

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kfk2003

14 years ago

Here's a killer resource for golf copy:

OHP Direct - Golf Instructional - Golf School - Golf Training - Golf Teachers - Golf Tips - Lower Scores -

Just click on a product for a top notch sales letter.

Thanks
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Andrew Gould

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golfswingsecret 14 years ago

Thanks for taking the time to comment. I appreciate it.

Ben
- Thanks
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TimCastleman

14 years ago

TO WATCH THE VIDEO CLICK ON THE PHOTO

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Jennie Heckel

14 years ago

Dear Ben,

Your image is broken on the top for you.

Your conversion rate is good.

But it could be much better.

My 2 Cents:

1. Needs a good template to sell well.

2. Needs some photos of happy golfers smiling!

3. Needs work on that dense copy -- too hard to read! I like to have no more than 3 sentences in a paragraph and no more than 10 words per paragraph.

4. Edit the sentences down for more punch, take the sentences you have and cut them in half and put more descriptive words in the sentences with more EMOTION!

5. FEEL the copy and rewrite it with the feeling you get when making a par!

6. Redo the ebook covers they are too small to sell well.

7. Make it skimmable, this is an internet marketing sales letter, so you should make it skimmable so people can glance down or through the sales letter and they are hit with subheads in the body of the text that entices them to read more.

8. If it is about Golf Swing, shouldn't it have a banner of a guy golfing and hitting the hole?

9. Change the "Order now" button to say "Add to Cart" will at least add .5 or more to conversions.

10. You want 3 buttons in the sales letter for purchase.

11. Use nicer bullet check marks, something that matches the golf theme.

12. Make the testimonial boxes green or the beige color, but don't make the offer boxes the same as this is confusing. Make the offer boxes with a different style so they stand out.

13. P.S. and P.P.S. always use 1 or 3 not 2. Lower conversions with 2.

14. The last order box should be above the P.S.

Here is one of my golfing sites see how this is much easier to read and the offer is clearer?

Ultimate Guide To Playing Golf

Mine is pretty too.

I am launching this one soon.

Regards,

Jennie Heckel

[ 1 ] Thanks
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******* WSO & JV ZOO COPYWRITER -- VLS & SALES LETTERS PROVEN TO CONVERT ******* Get Higher Profits From Launches That SELL! Proven Copywriter with 17 Years of Copywriting Experience. Contact Me Via Skype: seoexpertconsulting Copywriting Website: http://www.VideoScriptCopywriter.com

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golfswingsecret

14 years ago

Thank you Jennie and yes your sales letter is very nice.

I'd be interested to know just how well it converts once you launch. It certainly looks like a million dollars.

Thanks so much for taking the time to offer me help. I will be putting you're suggestions into play and appreciate them very much.

Best wishes,

Ben

Originally Posted by Jennie Heckel

Dear Ben,

Your image is broken on the top for you.

Your conversion rate is good.

But it could be much better.

My 2 Cents:

1. Needs a good template to sell well.

2. Needs some photos of happy golfers smiling!

3. Needs work on that dense copy -- too hard to read! I like to have no more than 3 sentences in a paragraph and no more than 10 words per paragraph.

4. Edit the sentences down for more punch, take the sentences you have and cut them in half and put more descriptive words in the sentences with more EMOTION!

5. FEEL the copy and rewrite it with the feeling you get when making a par!

6. Redo the ebook covers they are too small to sell well.

7. Make it skimmable, this is an internet marketing sales letter, so you should make it skimmable so people can glance down or through the sales letter and they are hit with subheads in the body of the text that entices them to read more.

8. If it is about Golf Swing, shouldn't it have a banner of a guy golfing and hitting the hole?

9. Change the "Order now" button to say "Add to Cart" will at least add .5 or more to conversions.

10. You want 3 buttons in the sales letter for purchase.

11. Use nicer bullet check marks, something that matches the golf theme.

12. Make the testimonial boxes green or the beige color, but don't make the offer boxes the same as this is confusing. Make the offer boxes with a different style so they stand out.

13. P.S. and P.P.S. always use 1 or 3 not 2. Lower conversions with 2.

14. The last order box should be above the P.S.

Here is one of my golfing sites see how this is much easier to read and the offer is clearer?

Mine is pretty too.

I am launching this one soon.

Regards,

Jennie Heckel

Thanks

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stanwyck

14 years ago

golfswingsecret,

I want you to pretend that my post is the only 1 in this thread. Because its the only one that matters.

You have sent anywhere from 2500 to 30,000 or more to your offer. By your own admission you deliver a good quality product that shows in your low refund rate. You have your foot in the door in one of the most profitable markets out there.

Build A List. With the opt in rates at 50% or more, there is a good chance you could have had 1500 to 15,000 or more prospects on your list right now. and you could have had your hands full finding great deals for them or doing jv deals or writing a newsletter, spell checking it, or whatever right now.

And if you had 1 really good book in you, there are certainly others. And of course there are many other providers who could write more for you and plr pieces abound.

You literally have a ton of options and when you're tired of any of it, there'll probably be people lined up around the block to buy this business from you.

By the way...Great job on the work you've done and I hope you have much more success.

And about building a list. You could split test your current offer against a free offer. I wouldn't suggest a pop up on attempted page departure, I know it's said to work for a lot of people, but it might hurt your credibility. Have 2 different pages and see which gives you the best return for your efforts.

If you'd like to talk more, send me a pm because I don't tend to check the same thread very often.

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MarkAndrews IMCopywriting 14 years ago

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- TimCastleman 14 years ago
  
  Mark -
  
  Listen after that post from him I gave up on copywriting and just signed up for this copywriting course. Seriously, he is now my copy master.
  
  Tim
  
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The Copy Nazi

Banned 14 years ago

"TIGER WOODS IS AN ANIMAL!
...but he sure knows how to swing"

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golfswingsecret

14 years ago

Wow... a ton of great advice. I want to express my thanks to all especially to Tim Castleman who has gone above and beyond the call of duty to assist.

It's going to be fun making the changes and doing some testing with all this great information.

Thanks again to all

Ben

[ 1 ] Thanks

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Sales Letter Advice Please

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