Does this copy suck?

by 19 replies
22
Hi Guys,

I''m soon to launch a new product at

Profitable Email Marketing - Small Lists Big Profits

and I would REALLY appreciate all constructive criticism on all aspects of the salespage but
in particular the headline and the colors.

Many thanks.

Graham Cox
#copywriting #copy #copywriting critique #salespage critique #smalllistsbigprofits.com #webcopy
  • No Graham, it doesn't suck.

    I didn't go over it with a fine-toothed comb but it strikes me
    as competent. I don't find the headline very exciting though.
    Sometimes the headline can be hard to come up with.

    "...or your money back." seems tentative to me here - like
    you aren't sure your product will work.

    Joe Schroeder has a good tagline - "Twist your list" - used to
    describe a method of monetizing a list built for one purpose
    in other ways.

    I know for a fact that people are very impressed if you tell them
    you made a lot of money with a small list - they can get their
    minds around building a small list but a big one seems overwhelming.

    You have to sell HOPE to the guys who are struggling to build
    a list and make money from it. Hope.
    • [1] reply
    • That copy is pretty good. It's not often that people ask for critique when they don't need a whole lot of direction. Often (on the CWB), I just shake my head and move on because I don't even know where to start.

      I'm with Loren on the money back thing.

      You're not trying to sell from the headline. Your guarantee should be close to the call to action, and it's usually a waste of space to put it anywhere else.
  • Hi Graham,

    I'm with these guys ^....

    It's actually pretty good copy. I'm sure there are things that could be improved upon, but the main issue before your launch is to get the headline up to scratch and put a big noticeable guarantee box above your main call to action.

    The other stuff you can worry about and really start to fine tune once you start getting some traffic. This will remove any either/or issues for you, as some simple split testing will quite easily reveal the most profitable option for most areas of the page, including headline and colors.

    Hope that's useful

    David
  • Hi guys,

    Thanks very much for your feedback...I'm actually quite chuffed you guys think it's not bad. I've written a bit of copy before but only just started reading books on it.

    Anyway, I agree the headline is weak...it was my thought before I posted here.

    I'll have a think about alternative headlines over the weekend and post back here.

    Thanks again.

    Graham

    P.S. David, I've just take you up on your WSO for a software product I have in development!
    • [1] reply
    • Graham--

      I really don't think the headline is weak. I mean, yeah, you might be able to improve it. But it's nice and concise. It tells people exactly what you're offering.

      I see it over and over again...people try to bloat their headlines and eventually stop communicating with the prospect.

      Clarity trumps persuasion every time. This is one the big points from Flint McGlaughlin, and I'm a firm believer in it. I've seen numbers go up quite a few times by using a 'weak' but 'clear' headline.
      • [1] reply
  • Very eye-pleasing and good copy But, the headline doesn't scream out to me and is a bit drab.

    Overall, very good! Just get that headline going.
  • What I would do is read the headline out loud and see how it sounds. Every day I see the headlines getting longer and longer. If you look at some of the eye tracking heatmaps, you'll see that headlines get very little attention.

    As a matter of fact, I've tested product sites with and without headlines, and it made absolutely no difference. Of course, this wasn't for info products, but it shows how much stock readers REALLY put into headlines...unless the headline actually informs them about what you have to offer.

    I wonder if the mega-headliners have ever even bothered to test their paragraphs-turned-into-red-bold-text against a simple, clear headline. Every time I test the two against each other, I see the smaller headline winning.

    Of course, this doesn't mean your headline shouldn't be enticing. But read some of Schwartz's headlines. You don't see him 'word stuffing'.

    Oh well...I guess it's just my opinion. Didn't mean to get on a soap box.
    • [1] reply
    • One could easily draw the conclusion from that that headlines don't count. That would go against about 80 years' worth of advertising testing, from Ogilvy to Caples and beyond.

      Be careful of the conclusions drawn from little information -- I see people steered wrong by "sound bites" all the time.

      "IT DEPENDS" -- again, without further details, this could lead people off into the weeds.

      I agree. I think the long headlines have gained popularization with Carlton. But Carlton's mastery is rarely achieved in those long headlines.
      The purpose of the headline is to get the reader's attention -- an overly long headline is like a boring visitor -- you've given them a bit of attention and they decide to take excessive advantage.

      I would be as bold to say that, after a certain length (10-14 words) -- extra words actually dissipate the user's interest in reading on...BUT ...it's all in the details, LOL. Not the sound bites.

      Live JoyFully!

      Judy Kettenhofen, Profit Strategist/Copywriter
      NextDay Copy
      • [2] replies
  • on a weekly and sometimes a daily basis I get an email
    where a guy tells me about how he spent 90 minutes
    writing an email and made $20k....

    Big deal. He has a big, motivated list. I've made serious
    money myself with a much smaller list but it was not because
    I sent 1 email - it was because I called people up.

    That's the crux. People get fed this fairy story which is
    predicated on 2 hidden factors:

    a) you need a big, motivated list
    b) you need to build that list from a position of authority

    So which do you do first? create authority? or build the
    list?

    In any case - both those activities take significant time - which
    is the hidden story.... and because this is true - it will RING TRUE
    when you tell it to your readers. I'm not expressing it in all
    it's complexity or with a lot of grace - but if you are straight with
    people about what the big-shots are concealing from them you may
    find yourself on the way to getting some real fans.
  • Thanks Andrew, Loren

    I really appreciate your feedback. I've implemented most of zapseo's lead in copy which is definitely snappier and more engaging imo.

    I'll be reviewing the copy shortly to try and tighten it up.

    Cheers...Graham
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