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Ive gone through the checklist and now would like a review of my first sales letter

by Gclunis
14 replies
Hi, I read through the checklist at the top of this forum and in my opinion my sales letter fits it all except for the johnson box.

It is for this reason that I am submitting my sales letter to be reviewed by someone who is ALOT more experienced than I am.

The domain name is not relevant some please do not comment on that. My purpose for this sales letter is for an offline marketing campaign that I will be setting up in my local area with some small businesses/individuals who are looking for a website.

The website is http://www.easy-profits-online.com

In regards to the missing johnson boxes, I have no idea where to put them. If anyone has any ideas about that I am more than willing to hear them :]

G
#checklist #letter #review #sales
  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    Good effort though you've got some issues. First is the headline. I know what you're trying to get across but you've used far too many words to do it. Try something like this:

    "Most People Are Too Busy With 101 Crazy Details To Earn Any Real Money Online..."
    Let Me Handle Your Web Creation While You Consentrate On Tasks That Put Money In Your Bank Account!


    I'll stop here and let the others add their comments.
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  • Profile picture of the author Gclunis
    Thanks alot traveling guy. Would you mind if I take that exact headline as an outline? I wont copy it exactly just using it to give me ideas to shorten it.
    Signature

    Cheers,
    Gregg

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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    Use it any way you like. Good luck!
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  • Profile picture of the author Gclunis
    Thank You, I Shortened the Headline and made the main headline bigger. Any additional reviews are greatly appreciated. As well as information about the johnson box and a review of the new headline.
    Signature

    Cheers,
    Gregg

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    • Profile picture of the author Denise Million
      You are probably just starting out and want to get a few clients under your belt but I think that when the price is too low, some people might wonder what's wrong with the product - or service - in your case.

      IMHO you should charge a bit more.
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  • Profile picture of the author Gclunis
    Hmm thanks for the advice denise. I really wasn't sure how much I could charge so I figured the lower the better. Do you have any ideas as far as pricing?
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    Cheers,
    Gregg

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  • Profile picture of the author Gclunis
    Anyone have any ideas as far as pricing? And any other ideas for the sales page?
    Signature

    Cheers,
    Gregg

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  • Profile picture of the author Moolah_Copywriting
    You know what this letter is missing?

    Attitude. It's way too conservative for a crowded field. Man, everyone is doing exactly what you are doing. You need to add some chutzpah to get your chin above the crowd.

    So what's you hook? Why are you the Man? Why would I come to you and not the other half-million chuckleheads out there?

    Like...

    * Are you greased lightning? - Can you set-up a knock-down gorgeous site within 2 hours...
    * Can you diagnose a losing website set-up
    * Are you an expert at setting up the tracking stuff?

    Get what I'm saying - Amp it up.

    Stan
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  • Profile picture of the author Gclunis
    hmm yeh I think I understand what you are saying. As far as I know though I am the only person in my area that is offering a service like this. And if there are others they are not very well advertised (as ive never heard of them) so I assumed a more conversational tone would suffice. However I understand exactly what you mean. I need to rewrite the copy to promote my "expertise" more and brand myself as the person they would choose over everyone else. So in other words I need to write about their benefits..while also pushing the fact that im the best. Does that sound right?
    Signature

    Cheers,
    Gregg

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  • Profile picture of the author Gclunis
    Hmm, that makes alot of sense. Thanks alot Stan. I'll Go through my copy and make those changes as soon as I can
    Signature

    Cheers,
    Gregg

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    • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
      Hi Gregg,

      I appreciate your ambition. Those first few Clients are the most important ones.

      I can appreciate your pricing strategy. But I would get more bang for the buck as a part of the process.

      Here's what you can add:

      --------------------------------------

      "What's the Catch?

      At this point, you've noticed that for my first few Clients, my services are way under priced. I'm practically giving things away.

      You're probably wondering "What's the catch?"

      It's simple: I need your help right now growing my business.

      Here's the catch: As part of my compensation for services--and only if I perform above and beyond, and only if my services make you smile--I need a testimonial from you.

      Your testimonial can be a handed-written note or email, or you and I can have a short conversation which I'll record, or you can do a quick webcam video and send it to me. I'd appreciate it greatly if you also post it up on my FaceBook or LinkedIn page.

      It's your choice. The video would be the best, but I'd appreciate your personal testimonial in any form.

      You'd be helping me in more ways than you can imagine. As an ambitious but admittedly struggling entrepreneur, as a new business start-up, your kind words of appreciation would give others the confidence and certainty to know the value and service they would receive in advance from me.

      You'd be helping make my business success a certainty.

      As you can see, I'm just getting started. Make no bones about it, I need business. But more importantly, I could use your help letting others know the service I provided to you was valuable.

      Is that fair? If so, click here and let's get me started making YOUR website a success."

      ----------------------------

      Now admittedly, this copy may be kinda wordy. That's deliberate. You can pick and choose what you need and then sculpt it into what's perfect for you. But I hope you can appreciate the strategy.

      That's what's most important. It works.

      - Rick Duris
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  • Profile picture of the author kfk2003
    I'd flip your pic so you're facing towards the letter.

    What's Wordpress? Why are you using it? How is it beneficial to my business? Same with Plug-ins. And SEO. Don't be afraid to do, what may seem to you as, over-explaining. If your prospect's not completely sure what he's getting he's not going to buy.

    What's the benefit of a lightning fast turnaround? (To start making extra sales as soon as possible)

    I'm not sure if people 'hate' setting up sites. I'd imagine they'd pay you to save themselves the hassle of learning how to do it or just for the convenience of it.

    As Denise said, your price seems far too low. I think you could aim for at least $100. Or you could offer a hosted service, give them the site for free but charge $100/month for hosting and maintenance. If it increases their profits by more than $100 who's going to cancel? If you're going to have direct contact with businesses then you can always be flexible on the price, if they say yes straight away then you're not charging enough.

    Do your prospects know what PLR means? Maybe better just to mention bonus ebooks, or even call it free training material.

    Reiterate your guarantee with your final call to action.

    I think you could expand on the letter some more. People don't care what you've got or what you're going to do for them, they only care about how it benefits them. So hammer it home, make them fully aware that every minute without a website is costing them money. And that you are the person to sort it out for them.

    And finally, make your sentences a bit more snappy, inject some personality into it. Every business is continually being sold to, so make your effort stand out.

    Hope this helps you.
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    Andrew Gould

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  • Profile picture of the author Gclunis
    wow, theres really some quality stuff in this thread. I really appreciated everything you guys are saying. i will be re-writing my copy today and I know exactly where im going with it thanks to you guys. I really appreciate it and please keep it coming :]
    Signature

    Cheers,
    Gregg

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