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I'm obviously an amateur!

by chanetsa
18 replies
I launched my first Clickbank product 2 months ago and have made only 2 sales! Lots of visitors but no buyers! I fear that my amateur copywriting skills are part of the problem, so here's my question...

What can I do to improve?

The topic is depression help and here's the website: www dot depression-help dot com dot au

The book is excellent. The testimonials are brilliant (both in content and authority). The price seems reasonable to me. So where am I going wrong?

I really hope that you can give me some guidance here. I have put so much time and effort into this that I now think I am so involved that I probably can's see the obvious solutions. Please help me find them?

Thanks, Chanetsa
#affiliates #amateur #copywriter #copywriting #depression
  • Profile picture of the author chanetsa
    Thanks Paul, I didn't have the credits to post a link.
    Signature

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  • Profile picture of the author Oxbloom
    I'm a big fan of the intro bit that says:

    "Your guide to a happy and rewarding life. You don't have to feel this way!"

    Be careful what elements you place next to one another.

    Same deal a touch further down when you have a list of bullets written in the first person, claiming, "I'm depressed...I'm anxious...I'm sad...I hate everything..." And then segue directly into, "HI! My name is Damian..."

    The whole presentation is giving me the idea that you're depressed, and you want me to be depressed too.
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  • Profile picture of the author kfk2003
    Get your photo out of the header and at the start of the letter, and facing the copy. Possibly shrink the header as well.

    Get rid of the opt-in box. When you've got someone to your sales page the only thing you want them to do is buy. If you do want their email address then set-up a separate squeeze page.

    Make the headline a little bigger, surround it with "quotation marks" and drop the full stop, maybe make the red lighter too. The next line completely lost me, far too hypey, if you're going to make a claim like that then you need to immediately prove it.

    Your copy is all about you. I don't care about you and your prospect certainly won't. You need to address the reader so don't use 'I' all the time, use 'you'. You need to tell them how your book's going to benefit them.

    Make the text more readable: Shorter lines, slightly larger font and write more conversationally.

    Expand the 'here's what you get' section, I want to know exactly what I'm buying. And why should I buy your book??? There's plenty of highly regarded self-help works already available.

    Contemplate removing, or at least shrinking and sidebarring, the launch photo. I'm not a fan of the beach pic either.

    You could sprinkle your testimonials throughout your copy to help break it up a bit. Make more of the one from Dr. Rowe towards the start of your letter and further down highlight the PriceWaterhouseCoopers one too.

    Lose the word 'payment', your customers aren't paying, they're investing.

    Go here for the ultimate payment button:

    The UBB Ultimate Belcher Button Wizard | TroyNotes

    Hope this helps.
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    Andrew Gould

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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Chanetsa, I see what you're trying to do but that page is not cutting it. It looks and reads like just another ebook on depression. Probably the best bit is the testimonials. But why would somebody buy this - that's what you've got to ask yourself. Why would they buy this when they can get a TON of info just by entering "depression" in a search engine.

    I don't even think the book title cuts it - "Emotional SOS" and your headline "Learn the One Big Secret to Take Your Life back From Depression" doesn't work. There is no "One Big Secret". Depression is complicated and so is its treatment. Putting "Learn" in a headline just shouts "Work". "Discover" is a better word.

    "Emotional SOS" doesn't really describe a self-help book about depression. How about something like -

    "What To Do When the Black Dog Bites"
    - self-help for sufferers of depression

    Then you have that awful opt-in offer "Top 7 Depression Tips". I presume you mean "Top 7 Tips to Treating Depression" but even that doesn't work. It needs to be a much stronger offer than that. How about "What Your Doctor Doesn't tell You About Antidepressant Side-Effects" or something like that.

    There's a bunch of other stuff that needs sorting too. I dig that you're proud of your book but that book-launch photo just looks cheesy. If you must use it, make it half that size. And put a proper caption under it. Who are these people? Your work-mates? Rent-a-crowd? Or a bunch of women that have read your book and changed their lives? Maybe caption it with "Pick the depression-sufferer".

    You might want to look at the pricepoint too. $77 the regular price??? Come off it. Even $47 seems too steep. I just went to Amazon and found a bunch of books on depression for less than US$15. Like the top-seller - "The Mindful Way through Depression: Freeing...The Mindful Way through Depression: Freeing... $13.57. And for just over $40 you can get three best-selling books on depression. So why should I buy yours? What makes it better? That's what you have to get across.

    And get yourself an UBB. I posted this two days ago - http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...-released.html

    cheers, Malcolm.
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    • Profile picture of the author Collette
      I'll make this brief:

      - NO emotional hook. You're talking to prospects who are being battered by their emotions. Gotta work with that in order to connect.

      - Re: above - Copy doesn't convince me that you really know how I feel. And anyone who has suffered from clinical depression feels that no one understands how they feel when they're in the depths of a depressive episode.

      - Re: above: above - Copy is all about you. And, the way it's written, you're not very interesting to me. Epic FAIL to establish a bond of commonality with the prospect.

      With self-help stuff, you've basically got 2 ways to make yourself credible. You have to be either:
      (a) someone who's been there; done that; fought the good fight and won, or
      (b) you're a recognized authority in your field. Like a doctor or some such.

      Now, (a) establishes empathy with your prospect. Credible empathy goes a long way towards creating persuasive copy, even if you're not a doctor or some such.

      Not happening here.

      You've got part of (b), because you're an honest-to-gawd published author. With a book in libraries and all. Something which you completely fail to mention. Instead, you've squandered this golden opportunity with pics of who-the-heck-are-those-people at your book signing. Which comes across as vanity, not authority. And certainly not empathy.

      So Who are you? Where's your story?

      Tell me how your life was so bloody perfect, it was in-con-freakin-ceivable that you - YOU, of all people! - should be sidelined by depression.

      Or, conversely, if your story is that your life was so awful that it would make a Haitian earthquake orphan's life seem encircled with fairy dust and cream cakes, then tell us how you struggled, fell, got up to fight again and eventually triumphed.

      The bottom line is, you think you're selling an e-book on coping mechanisms for overcoming depressive disorders.

      You're not.

      You're selling Hope.


      *(And, yeah, your price point is waaaay unrealistic)*
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  • Profile picture of the author Han Fan
    May I ask where is your traffic source?

    Who are your target audience?

    Did you survey your list?

    Han
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  • Profile picture of the author Mr. Enthusiastic
    I think Metronicity Malcolm and Collette are spot-on with their reviews. Even if the book is truly wonderful, why is it worth several times the top reviewed, best selling books by the recognized professional experts in the field?

    Chris
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  • Profile picture of the author Sam Mlambo
    Hey,

    My suggestion would be to put your copy blocks into a proven sales letter structure. You have testimonials that can help emphasize the benefits and destroy skepticism. So why not weave your copy around that?

    But mainly think about reconstructing your sales letter so it flows more smoothly.
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  • Profile picture of the author gjbusinessman
    Please try a professional to promote your site. He will generate a list to whom emailing and subsequent follow up calls may be made with some free offers like newsletters etc.,There are many people out there,seeking emotional and psychological support. I found many of them lacking the right support and counseling. women may come easily for depression support but men shy away from it , says a research.
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    • Profile picture of the author chanetsa
      Wow! I never expected to get so much value from asking the question. I really appreciate the frank feedback. Thank you all!

      Just a clarification, I am not Damian Mason. I am helping Damian to promote his book.

      Thanks again, I am going to take in all that has been said and make some changes!

      Incidentally, what should I expect to pay a good copywriter to change the content?

      Thanks again and happy to continue to receive more suggestions.
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      • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
        Banned
        Originally Posted by chanetsa View Post

        Wow! I never expected to get so much value from asking the question. I really appreciate the frank feedback. Thank you all!

        Just a clarification, I am not Damian Mason. I am helping Damian to promote his book.

        Thanks again, I am going to take in all that has been said and make some changes!

        Incidentally, what should I expect to pay a good copywriter to change the content?

        Thanks again and happy to continue to receive more suggestions.
        I see you have already used my headline and taken my advice on the book-launch photo and adding a Belcher Button. How about hitting the "thanks" button on the bottom right. That's what it's for. Thanks.
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        • Profile picture of the author chanetsa
          I certainly don't want to seem ungrateful. I hadn't noticed the thanks button before.

          I appreciate the advice that has been offered here very much. I will be acting on the advice too!
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          • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
            Banned
            Originally Posted by chanetsa View Post

            I certainly don't want to seem ungrateful. I hadn't noticed the thanks button before.

            I appreciate the advice that has been offered here very much. I will be acting on the advice too!
            You're "obviously an amateur". No worries. As to copywriters, the price range here is from $97 to $15,000 a salespage.
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            • Profile picture of the author chanetsa
              May I ask where is your traffic source?

              Who are your target audience?

              Did you survey your list?
              Target audience is people who suffer from depression but don't want to take drugs. The statistics show 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men although the stats might be skewed because men don't present for treatment as much as women do. So I think it is evenly spread although if pushed, we would probably target men because Damian is male. Age group 25-60.

              Traffic sources are primarily PPC at this stage (running 2 weeks now). We have a list but it is very small. We also have a blog but it doesn't yet attract much traffic. As at today PPC conversion rate is 7.69% (2 more sales). It will be interesting to see the improvements after following most of the advice given. Based on comments above, I am also discussing a lower cost to buy and higher % for affiliates. If we keep converting at >7% we may not change the price; just increase affiliate %.
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            • Profile picture of the author Mr. Enthusiastic
              Originally Posted by Metronicity View Post

              As to copywriters, the price range here is from $97 to $15,000 a salespage.
              Ha ha! That sure narrows down the price range, doesn't it?
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    • Profile picture of the author chanetsa
      Please try a professional to promote your site.
      How do I find such a person?
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  • Profile picture of the author Jennie Heckel
    Dear Damian:

    If you got 2 conversions that is a miracle, I have to admit that I am amazed.

    I do lots of Clickbank sales letters, over 40 in the last year so I know a little about Clickbank and what works for sales letters for ebooks, DVDs etc.

    Everyone posted a comment that was spot on, thanks guys and gals you did great!

    Now my suggestions to help you out:

    1. You need to figure out your keyword phrases, if you are doing ppc the cost of bids is beating you up, with clicks that don't convert. You should be able to do 3 to 4 % conversions on the sales letter with all the right stuff. I have sales letters on Clickbank that are converting at 10 and 12%.

    2. You should be able to ramp this up but it needs a totally new design, I would invest in a new design as soon as you have some money from sales, reinvest it in a better design and redo the order of the copy so it is right. See mine below for a comparison.

    3. You have a decent product but it is not featured as well as it could be, sorry but just reading the copy was hard on my eyes.

    4. Do your seo research and make sure the domain name is the exact same as the best keyword you are targeting. Depression Guide or Depression Ebook etc.

    Google loves the main keyword to match the domain name. Does not matter if it is a .net or .org as long as the keyword phrase and the domain name are a perfect match. (NOT .info Google is not indexing them well anymore.)

    Hypens are not as good in a domain name but do NOT hurt for SEO and organic listings.

    5. You removed the optin good, that is a no-no, never on a sales letter -- you don't want them to be distracted by an optin your focus is to get them to read the sales letter.

    6. Make sure your main keyword is in the first line of the heading (H1 tag) and the subheading for a double organic boost.

    7. Your seo tags are poor. You need to make the keywords in the tags the same as your headline, they must match for organic seo. These are way too broad.

    Here are your tags:

    depression help, depression, anxiety, depressed, damian mason, emotional sos

    8. Do keywords like this: depression help -- then make that the first words in the headline like this --- Depression Help For Depression Sufferers!

    (See we got depression help and depression sufferers in one line... neat.
    the next line for heading this is too blah...

    Discover How To Regain Control of Your Life and Feel Happier, More Contented and Confident.


    9. How about this headline redo to test...
    Depression Help for Depression Sufferers
    Rediscover Life Again! Take Back Control of Your Life and
    Feel Like A New Person -- Living Life Happy and Carefree...

    Just more emotionally charged and painting a more enjoyable life...

    10. Headline 2:

    Suffering From Depression Is Plain Hell!
    You're Not Going To Take It Anymore...
    Get The Help You Are Desperately Seeking!

    You should have the content in this order

    A. Promise of the product
    B. Problems they have
    C. Story of you
    D. Educate & Empathize (Research Proof goes here)
    E. Introduce the Product and List Benefits - Features
    F. Testimonials
    G. Present and Justify the Price - I would go $37 for affiliates (no affiliates $27)
    H. Present Bonuses and Guarantee
    I. Summarize your offer, what is in it for them and add call to action to buy or they will just keep sufferning
    J. Close, Sign off
    K. P.S. (always 1 or 3 not 2 P.S's converts better on 1 or 3)

    Here are a couple of mine in health field note the research on the first one, I would add some research info in boxes like I did for PROOF, so you can look at how they flow. First 2 are very close in ideas to what you want to mirror, the flow of the design and the overall FEEL of the graphics. I would go with blues and browns on yours, green is not a good color for your design.

    http://www.neurofeedbackbook.com/


    ProgesteroCream - Stop Hot Flashes - Progesterone Cream


    http://www.hypnobodyblast.com

    http://www.osteopeniaandosteoporosis.com


    http://www.planmybaby.com/


    Neurabic - Diabietic Nerve Support Formula


    http://hollywoodalistsmile.com/optin.html
    http://hollywoodalistsmile.com/



    (I wrote and designed this one for Paula Abdul's Dentist...)

    For working on the flow of the copy, just focus on how from the top to the bottom how it feels when you read it....read it all....so fast without knowing you read it and they are EASY to read.

    Notice the short sentences and short paragraphs, you need to tweak that too.

    Why? The fonts are normal sized not too small and the width is NARROW. You need to fix this on your sales letter.

    Good luck and let me know if the split testing headlines are better.

    One never knows unless you test.

    Jennie
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