Seeking Copy advice

Bret,

You're pushing the urgency button too hard. People know you're offering a free report in exchange for their info so you can then try to sell them something.

Are you really going to leave the squeeze page up for a short time only?

Alex

As it stands right now, you've got major formatting issues, at least with my IE-7 browser. The header is okay but everything else is waaaaay left justified. It's like a single column of text running down the left hand side of the page about an inch and a half wide.

Hi Brett,

I'm using my imagination because thank God, I don't have that condition.

If I had that condition I'm damn sure be looking for an answer. A free ebook about easy to make changes to my diet? That would provide a lot of hope.

I think the graphics and fonts are too big. I'd really prefer to see a layout that looks like a respectable medical site. Look at mercola.com and surgeongeneral.gov for examples. Four reasons for the suggestion:

First, if I had to run to the bathroom all the time, that wouldn't make me blind or hard of hearing! Second, the professionalism of a layout like that would imply that the content is equally professional and respectable. Third, if I wanted to get someone else's opinion about whether I should get the book, I'd feel a lot more comfortable showing them a professional-looking site. Fourth, I might be desperately looking for an answer while at work, or maybe using a library of coffee shop computer. The last thing I'd want is some nincompoop to look over my shoulder from ten feet away and shout, "sorry about the bathroom thing, Bub!"

I'd also consider a change of domain name for the same reason. Maybe something like gallbladdernutrition.com? Something that wouldn't be embarrassing for HR to see in the web logs! Something I wouldn't be embarrassed to be overhead recommending to someone!

I think you only need one pic of your smiling face. Maybe you could add some safe-for-work drawing of the structure of the gallbladder?

Chris

Echoing some other posts, I would lose or change the picture. If I had that problem I would not be smiling.

I would change the term "Help" to something more certain like "Solution" or "Answer for...", or "Stop IBS and..."

That's my thoughts.

I would change the format. Put the copy in a box, centered, and employ a solid color background.

I would change the "Does this sound familiar?" line. If someone has it, it is all too familiar. I would go with something like, "You've been there" or "You know the feeling".

Make the bullet points more immediate and emotional, for example instead of "any type of travelling is a problem..." I'm thinking "You stay home rather than face the uncertainty of travel".

Chris - thanks for the input, some funny comments yet good input. Side note: if you have a condition like that all shame goes out the window after awhile. (Not at first obviously) I'm really relying on keywords at this point, not so much the domain name. If it proves to really suck, I'll change it. But people who have this problem know what they are looking for. As far as the mercola site .....yeah I'm not getting into the medical proffession or a site where someone can roam. I'm looking for a simple call to action. If I had 14 ebooks on health issues that might be a different story. Thanks for the info though.

Rick - I did change the headline thanks. Actually changed (eliminated) some of the copy. I'm still having them scroll (not to far) for now. I changed things up slightley. Thanks for your input!

Hi Brett,

Reviewed your site again. We need a benefit in the headline in there, buddy. What you have now is just a statement. But I still love the bullets. Also any scrolling at all is still a downer.

Maybe someone else can contribute ideas. That headline is 80% of your challenge.

Maybe something as simple as:



If so, there is an answer. Read on...

First, allow me to ask you a few personal (and admittedly rather embarrassing) questions:

--> Do you have "bathroom radar?" Do you know where every "clean" restroom is when you are out and about?

--> Are you tired of running to the bathroom every 10 minutes?

--> After going to the bathroom, do you feel like you have to go--AGAIN?

--> Have you ever missed a part of your son or daughter's programs or sporting events because you NEEDED to "go" right away?

--> Do you frequently run late for work or meetings because you're stuck in the bathroom?

--> Your stomach pain and constant bloating never seem to stop, do they?

I know, I'll admit. I was just like you. I discovered the solution. And when you enter your name and email address below, I'll gladly share it with you.

-----------------------------------------

Or there may be another headline:

-----------------------------------------

Attention: To all who have had their Gallbladder removed:


If so, there is an answer. Read on...

First, allow me to ask you a few personal (and admittedly rather embarrassing) questions:

--> Do you have "bathroom radar?" Do you know where every "clean" restroom is when you are out and about?

--> Are you tired of running to the bathroom every 10 minutes?

--> After going to the bathroom, do you feel like you have to go--AGAIN?

--> Have you ever missed a part of your son or daughter's programs or sporting events because you NEEDED to "go" right away?

--> Do you frequently run late for work or meetings because you're stuck in the bathroom?

--> Your stomach pain and constant bloating never seem to stop, do they?

I know, I'll admit. I was just like you. I discovered the solution. And when you enter your name and email address below, I'll gladly share it with you.

----------------------------------------------

The design sucks, has no credibility, im not going to trust some crazy ******* over the internet after I just had major surgery. You should be Oozing credibility, not get my crappy ebook.

Make it look like you put more than 15 seconds into building this webpage, the quality of your webpage reflects the quality of your product.

Also there is no reason why you are giving it to me for free, you need a reason why, the honest reason.

Overall this sales copy is STILL going to pull because there is a major pain for no solution and you are offering the solution. It would be hard not to make money.

Reduce your questions at the top to the 3 most powerful points.

Your headline is okay, it calls out the prospect, it needs more drama. Get in touch with the emotion you were feeling when you went through this. Were you angry, sad, afraid, find the dominant emotion your reader is experiencing then call it out.

Such as...

DIARRHEA HELL

or

That Soab Doctor Never Told Me THIS Was Going To Happen!

Your headline needs more emotional power. You need to harmonize with the dominant emotion your reader is experiencing, call that out, then empathize with them, get on their side and fight against the bad guy, whoever you were angry at after you got your surgery.

Thanks maximus for the input. Greatly appreciated!

Bret

Dear Bret:

I would do some thinking about the seo on this.

The domain name should exactly match the keyword phase that is the primary keyword phrase for your organic search term you are targeting

Google will give you upwards to 25% ranking boost if the keyword phrase and the domain name exactly match. I do this with lots client sales letters since they are tired of the ppc game. We research the best single 1 or 2 keyword phrases and then we check the competition in Google with double quotes like this "Diarrhea After Gallbladder Surgery" if there is less than 10,000 competing websites you should be able to land this sales letter on Google's first page.

But you need to use this keyword term (if there are searches for it) in the first sentence, and in sprinkled throughout the copy.

Good luck with your project.

Jennie

Jennie,

Thanks for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate it.

- Bret

Bret,

I'm a self proclaimed 'dunce copywriter' but I write up squeeze pages all the time that convert 20-30%.

All I do first is sum up the main benefit of what I'm offering in my headline. For you it might be "Learn The 3 Super Simple Diet Secrets That Permanently Stopped My Post-Gall bladder Removal Diarrhea..."

Then I say something like this... "Here's everything you'll find out as soon as you login below:"

Then I do my bullet list of each feature and the benefit (good, wanted outcome that the feature is gonna getcha)

Then I do my optin box with nice bold type saying something like "Fill Out This quick Easy Form For Instant Access"

If you really have ppl coming to your site with this condition there's no way they are going to turn away a possible solution when all they need to do is submit their email address. you just gotta grab their attention, give them some of the benefits they'll get from logging in, then TELL THEM to login in!

Magically they will.

Marketerx,

Thanks for taking time to review this. I like your approach. I will put some of those ideas into the page! Thanks!

Bret

Markerterx do I by chance know you? You're writing says I might.....