Please Critique my Landing Page

36 replies
Hi,

Looking for ideas/suggestions for this landing page:

Safety Spot: Custom-Built Online Training Software for Businesses

What would you do to increase the number of leads it generates?

Thanks in advance.
#critique #landing #page
  • Profile picture of the author John_S
    Show how a company used your training to reduces claims from $70,000 to $17,000. Your potential customers could not care less about training -- they want the payoff.

    Playing coy about the payoff does nothing for response. If you don't have figures, do the research to get them. Period.
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  • Profile picture of the author Jim Gillum
    Looks more like standard page than a squeeze page........

    Take the benefits and move them above the fold....catch the prospects attention.....

    Lose all the acronyms......unless you are sure the viewer will find value....

    The client list across the middle has little value...(unless your prospects know them and would be impressed)

    Shrink the header to allow more "meat" above the fold.....

    Combine the strongest advantages with the benefits.......

    My opinion...hope that helps.....
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    • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
      Hi seven777,

      WITH ALL RESPECT--seven777 you asked and I'm just saying....

      This page needs a total rewrite. Never show this page to the ultimate copywriter. It will fry their brain.

      For instance the headline "What is Safety Spot?"

      Ok, first as a prospect, I have no idea what Safety Spot is, I never had this question in my mind. And frankly, as a prospect, I don't care. As a result? I'm hitting the back button.

      You're outta here.

      Now if you're using this page as collateral sales reinforcement, like after a sales meeting with a prospective Client, ok I could appreciate and it can be aligned accordingly.

      But if it has to stand on its own, you are probably being embarrassed. And people just aren't revealing, as a prospect, so as not to disrespect.

      I say that with all respect to whoever built this page. I know it took some time and probably some capital. But I hope it wasn't more the $25.

      Last thing, invest in some design talent. Besides the copywriting, whoever designed this page was a hack. And whatever money you paid, you should ask for it back.

      I hate to be harsh or brutal, but you are catering to corporate Clients. YOU MUST PLAY AT THEIR LEVEL. Their bosses are watching.

      - Rick Duris
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  • Profile picture of the author seven777
    Thank you to all who provided suggestions. RickDuris, your suggestion about the heading is appreciated, but I would like to see you elaborate on a few things:

    "This page needs a total rewrite. Never show this page to the ultimate copywriter. It will fry their brain."

    What exactly is wrong with the copywriting?

    "Last thing, invest in some design talent. Besides the copywriting, whoever designed this page was a hack. And whatever money you paid, you should ask for it back."

    What exactly is wrong with the graphic design? How could I improve it?

    Thanks in advance to anybody else who weighs in!
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  • Profile picture of the author gjabiz
    The ACTION you want the reader to take is ____________ ?

    Does your site inspire action? And what exactly are you looking for?

    I ask these questions because your site doesn't answer them.

    I gather from your post, you are seeking LEADS for potential sales of your training software.

    If I'm wrong please correct me. The leads you seek are from businesses with employees who may have some specific training needs.

    My opinion is that you need to address this right up front. I have ONE concept which I hammer on, and your site is one where I can show what I'm talking about...

    it is, from the first second of landing on it...all about YOU.

    Your logo. Your phone number. Your training.

    Why not make it about your customer? Why not address their needs, wants and desires right up front in the valuable part of the real estate?

    There are many ways to accomplish this:

    Address regulatory requirements:

    Your business could be at risk for a huge lawsuit if your untrained employees make this critical mistake. (Then detail the mistake).

    Come at it from a profit perspective as was noted.

    Add thousands of dollars to your bottom line by eliminating these expenses. (Travel and training expenses).

    Try a "are you in this situation" approach:

    You must have your employees trained in ____ but where do you find the time to get it done?

    Any approach that is about THEM, about what they get, how they benefit, WHY they would want your services, would in my opinion be a better approach than the one you have now.

    Try a different way and I think your leads will skyrocket. Then have the ability to close the leads you get.

    gjabiz
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    • Profile picture of the author seven777
      gjabiz, awesome feedback. I can't thank you enough for your suggestions. Great stuff.
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      • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
        Hi seven777,

        I am not trying to be arrogant or rude, and I probably won't may a dime from this critique, but the copy and design suck.

        This is not a personal assessment, this is a clinical assessment. This is like if you go to the doctor and you say "my chest hurts. What's wrong?"

        I can not go forward with you and try to "band aid" because as I said this page requires a totally rewrite. A copywriter and designer NEEDS to start from the ground up.

        Again, do not share your page with the copywriter---it warp their mind. No kidding.

        So please, don't expect me to offer "suggestions" for improvement. Suggestions won't cut it in this case. It NEEDS a rewrite.

        If you're serious, PM one of the folks you admire and trust on the WF. I am NOT "out" for your business. But I want to help. Maybe someone like Mike, Collette, Mark, Steven or Alan would be able to help you and they would agree with everything I have said, I can assure. Yes, there are others, but those I know off the top of my head can help. But also get yourself a competent designer too. 99designs » Leading Marketplace for Logo Designs and More….

        Best of success and luck,

        - Rick Duris
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        • Profile picture of the author seven777
          RickDuris, in hospitals they refer to it as a bedside manner. There is a difference between direct insults (i.e. whoever designed this page was a hack) and helpful criticism. That's all I'm trying to say.

          Again, thanks for the suggestion about the headline contained in your response.
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    777, the biggest problem is you have way too much stuff on that page. Look at what you have "above the fold" for starters. Bloody awful banner with a mouse graphic in prime real estate at top-left. My first impression was it was a techie site. But no - you provide online training for companies. So instead of the cheesy "What is Safety Spot?" (terrible name BTW) you need to just tell us what you're all about. Specifically "online employee SAFETY training programs - Safety Spot is a Virtual Learning Environment (VLE) that enables trainers to create, administer, and monitor training programs." So show us how it works. I presume its software.
    The "Call today to arrange..." shouldn't be there. Why IS it there? We don't even know what you're offering and already you're asking us to call. Madness. Likewise "FREE DEMO". Why would I want a free demo when I'm not even sure what you're offering? After clicking on it I see it works like an opt-in. It would be much better if it were a video demonstrating how Safety Spot (hate that name) works.
    The clients logos just get in the way. They would be better used further down. Then you've summarised the Benefits and Advantages before you've even sold us on them. You didn't use a copywriter did you?
    The sunset over the petrochemical plant banner at the bottom looks slick but what purpose does it serve? Then you wrap the whole thing up with this cheesy 1950s-style line "proudly serving companies across canada, the united states, and throughout the world. Based in central leduc, alberta - we are close to edmonton, calgary, red deer, nisku, beaumont, devon, and area"

    What would I do to increase the number of leads it generates? Make it a video squeeze page. All it needs is a heading above a video in HD and a few lines of copy underneath. With an opt-in box.
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    • Profile picture of the author seven777
      The cities are there to make sure we come up for local searches. Alberta is a booming market for this service, and we need to have those keywords on the page somewhere. It's getting us on the first page for most localized searches. Won't get higher until we do some off-page stuff, but for now it's doing what it's supposed to do.

      The proudly serving line was to ensure people did not think we are limited to those areas, as we work with companies throughout the world.

      Balancing local searches while staying relevant to companies that are not in the area is something I've struggled to find a good solution for. That's the best I've got so far for this one. A better idea would be much appreciated.
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      • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
        Banned
        Originally Posted by seven777 View Post

        The cities are there to make sure we come up for local searches. Alberta is a booming market for this service, and we need to have those keywords on the page somewhere. It's getting us on the first page for most localized searches. Won't get higher until we do some off-page stuff, but for now it's doing what it's supposed to do.

        The proudly serving line was to ensure people did not think we are limited to those areas, as we work with companies throughout the world.

        Balancing local searches while staying relevant to companies that are not in the area is something I've struggled to find a good solution for. That's the best I've got so far for this one. A better idea would be much appreciated.
        You have no Meta Description. Disastrous for SEO. That's where you could put your towns.
        Meta keywords aren't used by Google but the others will pick them up. Yours are "online employee training software, training programs, courses, customized safety training"

        You Meta Description could be something like "online employee safety training programs based in Alberta, Canada servicing Edmonton, Calgary, Red Deer, Nisku, Beaumont, Devon, and the world"
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        • Profile picture of the author seven777
          Metronicity, I part ways with you on this one.

          Meta descriptions are optional, and can lower your relevance in Google. This field was left out intentionally. Google will pick the most relevant section of the page based on the search query. It's not disasterous to SEO to leave out a meta description. That statement is false.

          You can increase your clickthrough rate in many cases by matching your escription to the search query, a strategy often used for PPC. Although, I am kind of on the fence with this site, as it's not very content heavy, so I may add one in the future.

          However, if I include specific cities in the meta description I will alienate the worldwide market. When you mention cities, you imply there is an advantage to dealing locally, thus alienating companies that are not local. That's why it's at the bottom of the page, not the top.
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          • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
            Banned
            Originally Posted by seven777 View Post

            Meta descriptions are optional, and can lower your relevance in Google. This field was left out intentionally. Google will pick the most relevant section of the page based on the search query. It's not disasterous to SEO to leave out a meta description. That statement is false.
            If the Meta Description is not there the chances are Google will select what it thinks your site is about. Why not tell it? You can experiment with different Meta Descriptions until you get the result you want. Good Meta Descriptions are vital. Google laps them up. It will even use stuff like this - #####SafetySpot.ca, based in Alberta, Canada specializes in customized safety training#####
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    BTW of your keywords, the only one that appears to be cutting it is "customized safety training" which is #1 on Google Canada. But why include the keywords "training programs" and "courses"? On Google Canada there's 1.8 results for "training programs" and 7.8 Million for "courses". Its even more competitive for Google US - 140 Million results. Do you really think someone from Alberta, Canada looking for online safety training is going to enter those terms in Search?
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    • Profile picture of the author seven777
      Metronicity, why are you resulting to calling me clueless? Obviously we aren't competing for those keywords. Most of our traffic is coming from long-tail keywords.

      We have a lot of SEO issues - no links, little content, etc. I'm working on conversion rate now, and traffic after.

      The page isn't perfect, that's why I made this thread.
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  • Profile picture of the author Thomaslee
    Very nice I like it. There may be some spacing issue in the first paragraph, but over all well done.
    Thomas Lee
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  • Profile picture of the author zip
    I would try to make the way the background and the "body" of the site meats smoother. Perhaps by adding 3d or some sort of shadow...
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  • Profile picture of the author cameronlaw
    looks good...
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  • 777,

    I'm going to give you the best piece of advice on your page you will hear all day:

    Though it may bruise your ego, listen to everything Rick, gjabiz and Metronicity said. I've helped my clients sell over $100 million online and I can tell you without reservation your page is not going to work for you.

    Take a little while, swallow your pride and take their advice.

    Or ignore me, ignore their advice and wonder why you can't generate enough leads with your page.
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    • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
      Kevin, you are now on my personal "short list." Good on you. - Rick
      Signature
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  • Profile picture of the author zip
    I'd also say that you should use more text instead of images. You can make the site look the same as it is now. But if you don't change the jpgs into text, then it wont be found by Google...
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    • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
      Banned
      Originally Posted by zip View Post

      I'd also say that you should use more text instead of images. You can make the site look the same as it is now. But if you don't change the jpgs into text, then it wont be found by Google...
      Good point. Make use of alt tags - they are part of the SEO equation. You have every image tagged as "images(forward slash) bullet (dot) png" when you could be getting much more mileage out of them. Every one of those images could have a different keyword in the "alt tag" or a variation of your main one. It all adds up.
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  • Profile picture of the author zip
    seven777, I'd recommend that you install Google Analytics (just google it) it's free.
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  • Profile picture of the author seven777
    Kevin, I have a pile of notes for the site from people who have posted, all of whom I've thanked. But there is no advice in the posts from Metro. He's just here to insult people and tell them they are clueless. So yes I'm defensive about that.

    RickDuris had one suggestion that I'm going to follow, but again he takes pleasure from putting down others. This forum would not exist if everybody posted in the way that Metro/RickDuris post. There would be no value in asking for help.
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    • Originally Posted by seven777 View Post

      Kevin, I have a pile of notes for the site from people who have posted, all of whom I've thanked. But there is no advice in the posts from Metro. He's just here to insult people and tell them they are clueless. So yes I'm defensive about that.

      RickDuris had one suggestion that I'm going to follow, but again he takes pleasure from putting down others. This forum would not exist if everybody posted in the way that Metro/RickDuris post. There would be no value in asking for help.
      What motive would I have to not tell you the truth? Why then would I tell you their advice was good and should be followed if it was bad advice?

      I know what I'm talking about--this isn't my first rodeo. When I told you the page isn't going to generate leads for you I knew what I was talking about.

      I agree that to take their advice would be tough with your pride and all, but I have found cash can do wonders for soothing a bruised ego.
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    • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
      Banned
      Originally Posted by seven777 View Post

      Kevin, I have a pile of notes for the site from people who have posted, all of whom I've thanked. But there is no advice in the posts from Metro. He's just here to insult people and tell them they are clueless. So yes I'm defensive about that.

      RickDuris had one suggestion that I'm going to follow, but again he takes pleasure from putting down others. This forum would not exist if everybody posted in the way that Metro/RickDuris post. There would be no value in asking for help.
      No advice? That's funny. I see plenty. Whether you choose to take it onboard is another matter. And it would probably be a lot better here if we didn't have to worry about bruising people's egos with our advice. BTW have a look at my "thanks" tally. Apparently there are some people that don't think I'm here to "insult people and tell them I'm clueless". And if you clicked on the WSO in my sig. you'd find a whole heap of free advice on writing salespages.
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    • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
      Banned
      Originally Posted by seven777 View Post

      Kevin, I have a pile of notes for the site from people who have posted, all of whom I've thanked. But there is no advice in the posts from Metro. He's just here to insult people and tell them they are clueless. So yes I'm defensive about that.

      RickDuris had one suggestion that I'm going to follow, but again he takes pleasure from putting down others. This forum would not exist if everybody posted in the way that Metro/RickDuris post. There would be no value in asking for help.
      For the record I didn't describe you as "clueless". I said "Whoever put this page together doesn't have much of a clue". But it turns out you are the designer and writer - that's why you're taking it personally. Take note of what Rick Duris has said here - endorsed (at last count) by 27 of us - http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...pywriters.html

      And this gratuitous comment from you is just plain WRONG -
      "But there is no advice in the posts from Metro."
      You just didn't like the advice.
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  • Profile picture of the author seven777
    This is turning into an SEO thread. My questions are about conversion rate, not SEO.
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    seven777,

    I understand your comments and I will not contribute to you again.

    And just realize while my Clients and partners may wince once in a while, they gladly, willingly and with a gleam in their eye and a desire in their heart, pay me upwards of $7500 an hour.

    I take no pleasure whatsoever in putting down anything or anybody. Especially a person I don't know, except by a number.

    But when money is on the line, when people have invested time, although you haven't paid me a dime, it's kinda like I'm a passenger in a vehicle and I see the potential for a major collision and I'm thinking "Holy ****!"

    You are taking it personally. You think I called your baby ugly. I get it. I apologize and I am sincerely sorry.

    I sincerely want to see you do well. That was my ONLY motivation, hope, dream and desire for you. None other.

    I promise you, I will never do it again.

    - Rick Duris
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  • Profile picture of the author copyassassin
    Seven777-

    My initial impression was visual overload.

    The eyes/brain love structure and guiding.

    Currently, your squeeze page makes my eye wander all over the place.

    I would consider a simple layout: white background, gray-ish border. No more than three different font changes (size, color, style all count as a change)

    Although very unsexy, I'd use a headline, short paragraph, 3 bullets, and then opt-in form for your squeeze page.

    If you want to add more "sizzle" to your page, put a graphic logo on top, and a three downward arrows pointing at the form above the opt-in form.

    Also include a statement (provided that its true of course!), that you don't sell, rent, or share, or spam your list. That you have spammers.

    The bottom line, as you mentioned, is conversion rate. If you are getting around 30%, then you are in a good range.

    Anything less than that, keep on working. And that 30% should be from an Adwords type of traffic. Different sources will provide rates. I judge all opt-in pages based on Google Adwords.

    As for others people "motivation" tactics, take it with a grain of salt. Some think insults work (my mom's from that school), some use praise, some use fear, some sell the dream.

    My experience is that we need them all. However, trust needs to exist first. And usually trust is built on inspiration and providing "quality perceived value".

    Anyway, just another's persons thoughts. The beauty of Direct Response is that all debate is ended with measurement. It either works, or doesn't.
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    The Most Bad-Ass Tax Reduction Strategist for Internet Marketers who HATE paying taxes. See my happy clients

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  • Profile picture of the author MarketerX
    You're missing the most important thing: a real headline. Sure keep the header graphic, but make it smaller and less of a focal point.

    The headline needs to sum your unique selling point in just a few words. "Amazing Push Button Employee Training System Cuts Labor Your Costs By Upto 53% ..."

    Then sure, in the basic format tell them what they're going to learn about once they login ...these are you benefits.

    Here's what you'll get when you login...

    ~Customized Safety Training Programs that shave time off your timecards, and drop your workers comp claims


    ~Convert Existing Training into Online Training and cut your
    Time-Off, Travel, and Training Costs


    ~Outsource your Training for Technical or Critical Processes so you can focus on your business rather than rules, regulations and compliance

    ~ We take care of all the Showing Your People Processes, and Procedures so you don't have to!

    ~ Track Employee Scores and Print Certificates at the click of a button so you never have to lookup or wonder who has what training ever again



    Then a simple call to action: Fill out this quick Easy Form To Download Our Free Money-Saving Report...


    Lol, I'm not a professional copywriter but all my squeeze pages follow this basic format and I usually get 20-30% conversion rates.
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  • Profile picture of the author clwest
    Seven777

    As a safety pro of 20+ years and consultant for the past 8, I would click off the page! The colors are not conducive to the eye.

    Check out the JJ Keller, BLR and Coastal Safety (this one is way busy!) or any of the competitors.

    Is your target audience the US or Canada? There are some language problems - I have no clue what is BSAT <- i am guessing a Canadian requirement.

    Since you have a pretty good stable of companies who use your software, could you get a few testimonials to add to the page? Also, if you are comfortable, ask one of your contacts to look at your page and see what they think - this is a specialized market.

    hope this helps somewhat
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    Ohhh, Panini

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