Hey Gang, Rate this Copy

Hm, I like it, but then again I'm a complete sucker for stories.

One thing, I don't know if this is just me, but some parts of it felt... hesitant.

"For a limited time, you don't have to pay anywhere near $7000... or even $5000. Take advantage of the special offer presented here and grab both for an outstanding price...$2695. Become the envy of the neighborhood... by acquiring these for your home today."

Really, I think it was all the "..."s that made it feel that way. Did a quick rewrite (or rather, re-punctuation) and:

"For a limited time, you don't even have to pay anywhere near $7000, or even $5000! Take advantage of the special offer presented here and grab both for an outstanding price of $2695. Become the envy of the neighborhood by acquiring these for your home today."

Again, it may just be me so it'd be interesting to see what others think.

Hope it helps nonetheless,

-Vish.

Hi Clark,

Nice tables dude.

The copy's not bad, but you could definitely improve on it...

First of all, I would try to get some kind of hook in that first sentence to make the reader keep reading. It may sound harsh, but people online are in a rush...most of them just won't care enough about you or your friend to keep reading from that first sentence alone.

Your story may be very compelling once it kicks off, but if everyone hits the back button before that point, noone will ever know.

I think you could remedy it pretty easily by using some kind of curiosity hook to get the reader into the next paragraph and then the next etc.

Something else you may want to consider is some subheadings in a larger/bolder font at a few points during the body copy. At first glance it lookes like a hell of a lot of reading, and having it set out in such a uniform fashion can turn away a lot of would-be skimmers, meaning that again they won't have a chance to get sucked in by the story...

Hope that helps

David

Clark...

Think to yourself...what is the plot in this story?

There isn't one, is there? It's just about what you were thinking.

A good story in your copy should follow the same kind of rules that a good story at the movies follow. Have a plot. Make it exciting. Make the moral of your story the point of the sales letter.

You should tell a story about mistaken identity... how your mom came to visit you, but when she walked in, she thought she was in the wrong house. Everything just looked too 'rich', and she knew how much money you made. So she ran out again, almost peeing her pants.

Or maybe a story of how a babysitter broke one of them, and tried to hide it. Then she was so worried about it (she was such an honest person, and always did what she felt was right) that she took out a loan to pay you for the table. She walked in and laid down $8000 and promised to work off the rest some how.

Hope this helps.

Just a point to note about the lost wax method. As I recall, they are not just hand finished, the mould is usually destroyed extracting the casting. which would imply that every table was hand created.

Hey, Everyone...

I just love these comments!... some really good critiques here

The one by Zephyr was over the top. I never in a million years would have thought that the ellipses that I used (those three little dots, like this ...) might be causing hesitancy, and therefore affecting the flow of the story.

I'll let the current copy sit for a few more days, and then redo it incorporating all of your suggestions. Will let you know as soon as I do, so you can see how the revised version looks.

Thanks

I can rate this as 8 and it still good but you can improve a lot.
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Ricky Conway

I thought it was a little fun to read. You clearly had
a good time writing it.

The regular spacing of the subheads and the paragraphs
actually seemed very calculated and you totally blew
it in the close when you made a transparent play at
my vanity "Become A Person of Distinction. Order Now."

No. I think not. A real turnoff.

Beyond that I think the length of the letter is self-indulgent.
In mail copywriting there are space restrictions that
forced the development of the powerful and succinct
style of the best direct response ads.

I doubt you would ever send a long-form sales letter
to sell a piece of furniture that wasn't an antique
with a significant provenance.

The J. Peterman catalog is one I recommend to you
for this sort of copy - though his is terse. For
successful mail-order marketing of high end furniture
I recommend you get Thos. Moser's catalogs. Whatever
it is he does with them - it works.

Selling art is tough. I built custom furniture for
many years. It's a challenging market because at
the end of the day you are asking people to pay
more money for something that isn't much different
in their eyes from something shipped off a boat
from Asia, at 1/2 the price.

Hey I think it looks good