Is There a Copywriter In The House? Copy Critique Please**

30 replies
hey,

I just want to say Thank You for your response.

I just did a mini launch in the automotive niche did pretty
well because of the anticipation of the launch.

it had been a week now and the sales are dropping.

I think it is the copy, getting about 0.7 - 1% conversion

Please read my copy and tell me what you think....

Learn Auto Body And Paint From Home! - Master It NOW!

P.S.
click the order button and tell me if you think it's a
good idea to have the 2nd page with the price option on it.

I was thinking of having the price option on the main SL also.

Thank you for your time!

The WF Rocks!

Tony B.
#copy #copywriter #critique #house
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    • Profile picture of the author keys2prosper
      hey,

      Thanks a lot!

      I will surly keep you in mind.

      Tony
      Signature

      -Tony

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    • Profile picture of the author keys2prosper
      maybe I should remove that and make it a exit pop.

      Thanks for your input. I also think that is a problem
      ppl aren't reading the story...
      Signature

      -Tony

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        • Profile picture of the author keys2prosper
          Mark, what is your fee for doing something like that for me?
          Signature

          -Tony

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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Tony my man, there are a few problems with this page. I dig what you're trying to do and I think it's probably a good product. BUT

    * get rid of the annoying pop-up for starters
    * there are too many competing headlines - stick with a prehead/head/deck(sub-head)
    * format the page properly. Clean up the design. Your Header would be much more powerful with a dramatic before and after shot rather than the cheesecake shot of the girl and the flashy cars.
    * you look too young in the headshot. Get into your painters overalls and take another one with you holding the spray-can.
    * get rid of the opt-in. Why give them a chance to click off? Just go for the jugular - get the sale.
    * clean up the spelling mistakes - "benefits" and "conveniently" are two words I noticed misspelled.
    * get yourself an UBB - "Ultimate Belcher Button" and have a sound file of a revving car when you mouseover. I posted a link to it in this sub-forum a few weeks back.
    * Copy needs a rewrite. Nothing dramatic - just needs to flow/read better.
    * Before and After photos are KILLER in this niche. You have some but you need to move them up the page and highlight them. Like the classic "Before" and "After" house shots or diet shots. We are all fascinated by Before & After.

    There's more stuff but that'll do you for now. Cheers mate, Malkie.

    p.s. one more - substitute "discover" for "learn". The latter sounds like its gonna be work.
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    • Profile picture of the author keys2prosper
      WOW Cool man!

      yeah I thought that silly pop-up was too much.

      how about an exit pop instead?

      I need the list you as you know.

      Thanks for the Great info Mal!

      do you do formatting also?

      "Ultimate Belcher Button" nice tip! that thing rocks! I got it here:
      Get the Ultimate Belcher Button (UBB) with Rollover effects | TroyNotes

      Talk soon!

      Tony
      Signature

      -Tony

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    • Profile picture of the author Jag82
      Originally Posted by Metronicity View Post

      Tony my man, there are a few problems with this page. I dig what you're trying to do and I think it's probably a good product. BUT

      * get rid of the annoying pop-up for starters

      Hi Mal,

      I won't be too quick to dismiss pop ups.

      Sometimes, they can work great.

      Tony,

      Try testing with a hover pop up with variation
      in the delay. And also a variation without
      pop ups and compare.

      Hover pop ups has worked well for me in
      the past. And if you are using Adwords
      to drive traffic, you can safely use hover pop ups
      as it doesn't go against Adwords TOS (hover
      pop ups doesn't result in a new window opening,
      it instead open within the page).

      Good luck,
      Jag
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      • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
        Banned
        Originally Posted by Jag82 View Post

        Hi Mal,

        I won't be too quick to dismiss pop ups.

        Sometimes, they can work great.

        Tony,

        Try testing with a hover pop up with variation
        in the delay. And also a variation without
        pop ups and compare.

        Hover pop ups has worked well for me in
        the past. And if you are using Adwords
        to drive traffic, you can safely use hover pop ups
        as it doesn't go against Adwords TOS (hover
        pop ups doesn't result in a new window opening,
        it instead open within the page).

        Good luck,
        Jag
        No kidding. But this is an annoying boringass popup that appears on the top left of his sales page on load and interferes with his headline.

        I use pop-ups myself . Interesting ones. Judiciously. And never on a sales page like this. Have a look at these beauties. Beautiful and Professional Email Marketing Popup Images

        Go ahead and take the free demo at the bottom of the page. Good fun. Tell 'em I sent you. (no affiliation)
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        • Profile picture of the author Jag82
          Originally Posted by Metronicity View Post

          No kidding. But this is an annoying boringass popup that appears on the top left of his sales page on load and interferes with his headline.

          Originally Posted by jasondinner View Post

          Don't just "look into it"

          Do something about it NOW because it is killing your conversions.

          Your headline is the most important part of your letter and your visitors
          can't read it because of your pop up.

          Originally Posted by MarkAndrews IMCopywriting View Post

          It doesn't help that your email capture box within a split second, completely obscured the main headline.

          So, straightaway I'm distracted from reading your sales copy.


          Hi Mal, Jason Mark,

          I agree with all of you.


          Currently, there are a few characteristics
          about the pop up
          :

          1. The pop up is activated almost immediately.
          Before you even have the time to read anything!

          2. When you close the pop up, it "rushes" down
          a 2nd time.

          The way the pop up is employed now is
          certainly intrusive and it blocks
          the headline - the important component
          of the sales letter - as Jason has pointed out.


          The point I want to make here is on
          how
          we use utilize the pop up.

          It can make a huge difference.


          Hence I suggested testing:


          1. The timing of the delay

          2. The manner in which the pop up appears

          3. Testing against a page with no pop ups
          or page with other forms of pop ups such
          as an exit pop up

          4. The HTML content within the pop up


          The first 2 points I mentioned alone can
          potentially make a big difference.

          Try a 10 seconds delay. Or even longer.

          This give this reader ample opportunity to
          get "warmed up" as they read the content.


          Through my testings, I've tested glide-down pop
          overs with delays, normal pop ups, lightbox and exit pop ups.

          I usually find that glide down pop over works best.

          But then again, this may not be true for other niches,
          so it's still important to test for yourself.

          To end off, I want to reiterate that
          what kind of pop up (e.g. pop over, light box, exit pop up),
          and how we use it, and not forgetting the content
          on the pop up (e.g. headline, images) can all make
          a significant difference to the opt in/sales conversion.

          Jag
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  • Profile picture of the author Steve Baker
    Agree with the comments above, plus I'd look at where you introduce your self "Tony B."

    Do you have a last name, if so, use it as the "B." seems a bit dodgy and I immediately thought "why is he hiding his last name?

    Do you have any testimonials? If so, put them in.
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    • Profile picture of the author keys2prosper
      ok Ill do that

      yeah I have a last name..

      Thanks!
      Signature

      -Tony

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    • Profile picture of the author keys2prosper
      No testimonials yet. working on the first bunch of members for feedback. Looking very happy so far. The next copy will be much better with testimonials and all.

      Hope to make this a killer converting product.

      Thanks for all your help here
      Signature

      -Tony

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  • Profile picture of the author jasondinner
    Tony B

    I'm with everyone else on the pop-up. It blocks the headline. Maybe there's a way to time
    it or just use an exit splash instead so it doesn't distract the visitor.

    Also, I saw you mention the belcher button, but you're not using it very well.

    If you watch this video from Perry, he explains how to use it for maximum conversion.

    The Belcher Button Explained

    As always though, you should not take everything he says as Gospel. Those are his results, but from extensive testing.

    You should test yourself, but I bet doing exactly what he says will increase your conversions, IF people even make it that far down the sales page.

    Also, i notice you have a recap in your guarantee section. Why not put your "Add To Cart" button right inside there?

    - Jason
    Signature

    "Human thoughts have the tendency to transform themselves into their physical equivalent." Earl Nightingale

    Super Affiliates Hang Out Here

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    • Profile picture of the author Jag82
      Originally Posted by jasondinner View Post

      Tony B

      I'm with everyone else on the pop-up. It blocks the headline.

      Maybe there's a way to time it or just use an exit splash instead so it doesn't distract the visitor.
      Yes, there is a way to delay the pop up.

      We don't want the pop up to appear so
      quickly because the user barely started
      reading.

      I have tested hover ads that comes
      slowly down in the past.

      And I set the delay to about 7 seconds.

      So that it allows the reader to read
      for a while before the pop up appears.

      I favor the slow appearance of pop
      up rather than a "fast drop down", so
      that it will not appear too intrusive.

      Works very well for me, as I've gotten
      many opt ins in my own testing.

      That said, don't take my own result
      as a definite. You definitely want to
      test the delay timing.

      Jag
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      • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
        You've gotten some good advice for tweaking and improving the page.

        I just wanted to compliment you on your efforts because it's not that far from being really good.

        -- Ross
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  • Profile picture of the author Jag82
    Tony,

    One more thing I want to add.

    I find the "spikes" (not sure what to call that)
    on the left and side of the sales page
    very distracting.

    It's keeping me from reading the main copy.

    At least that's for me. Perhaps you
    might want to seek a few other opinions
    on this.

    Jag
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    • Profile picture of the author BigWig10
      Great work on the start of this page. Really like the header image - cool stuff.

      I think the guys who responded earlier gave you some great advice so I'm not going to attempt to steal any glory.

      My main distraction is that there is so much (maybe too much) going on here. Looking at it from an outside perspective, the first thing that comes to mind as I scroll down is "What am I looking at again?"

      The Steps (Free Private Access / Secret Newsletter) and Call to Action (Add to Cart) are very distant from each other. While someone is scrolling down, getting lost in various headlines, they could easily get distracted and click out before every seeing the "Add to Cart" button.

      Follow the advice of those above, and I think it will clear up this issue (clean up the copy, spelling, and narrow your focus).

      Best wishes.
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      • Profile picture of the author keys2prosper
        Thank you for your input guys!!!

        Really appreciate it
        Signature

        -Tony

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    • Profile picture of the author keys2prosper
      Thanks Jag,

      I'll look into the pop up timing maybe use a exit pop.

      Originally Posted by Jag82 View Post

      Tony,

      One more thing I want to add.

      I find the "spikes" (not sure what to call that)
      on the left and side of the sales page
      very distracting.

      It's keeping me from reading the main copy.

      At least that's for me. Perhaps you
      might want to seek a few other opinions
      on this.

      Jag
      Signature

      -Tony

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      • Profile picture of the author jasondinner
        Originally Posted by keys2prosper View Post

        Thanks Jag,

        I'll look into the pop up timing maybe use a exit pop.
        Don't just "look into it"

        Do something about it NOW because it is killing your conversions.

        Your headline is the most important part of your letter and your visitors
        can't read it because of your pop up.

        So not only does this piss some people off, it also distracts them and
        causes them to leave because they don't know what you're talking about
        in the first place.

        ...All because the pop-up blocks the headline as soon as the page loads.

        I'll bet that if you remove the pop up entirely, your conversions will go up...maybe even double.

        You are better off not using any pop up at all if this is the only one you have
        available to yourself.

        Seriously, kill the pop up for now.

        Put an opt-in form at the bottom of the sales page for people that make it that far
        until you get something better.

        Take some of your sales and invest it in this - Dave Guindon's Exit Splash | Exit Page Software

        - Jason
        Signature

        "Human thoughts have the tendency to transform themselves into their physical equivalent." Earl Nightingale

        Super Affiliates Hang Out Here

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        • Profile picture of the author keys2prosper
          Thanks Jason!

          Originally Posted by jasondinner View Post

          Don't just "look into it"

          Do something about it NOW because it is killing your conversions.

          Your headline is the most important part of your letter and your visitors
          can't read it because of your pop up.

          So not only does this piss some people off, it also distracts them and
          causes them to leave because they don't know what you're talking about
          in the first place.

          ...All because the pop-up blocks the headline as soon as the page loads.

          I'll bet that if you remove the pop up entirely, your conversions will go up...maybe even double.

          You are better off not using any pop up at all if this is the only one you have
          available to yourself.

          Seriously, kill the pop up for now.

          Put an opt-in form at the bottom of the sales page for people that make it that far
          until you get something better.

          Take some of your sales and invest it in this - Dave Guindon's Exit Splash | Exit Page Software

          - Jason
          Signature

          -Tony

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      • Profile picture of the author Jag82
        Originally Posted by keys2prosper View Post

        Thanks Jag,

        I'll look into the pop up timing maybe use a exit pop.

        If you use an exit pop up, there is no timing
        for you to set. The pop up appears automatically
        when you click on the "x" or "back" button.

        I want you to be aware that if you are going
        to use PPC to promote your offer, pop ups/unders
        violate the TOS of all 3 major PPC engines - Google Adwords,
        MSN AdCenter (Bing) and Yahoo.

        Pop-over on the other hands, is not a pop up,
        as it doesn't result in the opening of a new window.

        So that is still permitted as far as Google Adwords
        is concerned. I've yet to check this with Bing and
        Yahoo, but I think it should be allowed.

        Just some stuff I thought you may want to be aware of.

        Jag
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        • Profile picture of the author keys2prosper
          Thank you guys!

          I removed the pop-up for now.

          I will try a exit pop, and come up with
          a clearer call to action and use the belcher
          button.

          Again thank you for all of the tips!

          Tony Bandalos
          Signature

          -Tony

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  • Profile picture of the author gee1
    Excellent advise! ... good resource for copy education.

    Good luck Tony B.
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  • Profile picture of the author TheGraduate
    I would get rid of the Discover How to.. in your headline, if you are selling something which is supposed to easily help me (in no-time) "do my own thing" to my vehicle, how come you are telling my brain that you want me to Discover How to.. , we human subconsciously associate the word discover with work (sometimes with hard intellectual work), just get rid of the Discover how to, and just say Paint your car...
    Signature
    amazing product coming soon!
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    • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
      Banned
      Originally Posted by TheGraduate View Post

      I would get rid of the Discover How to.. in your headline, if you are selling something which is supposed to easily help me (in no-time) "do my own thing" to my vehicle, how come you are telling my brain that you want me to Discover How to.. , we human subconsciously associate the word discover with work (sometimes with hard intellectual work), just get rid of the Discover how to, and just say Paint your car...
      Nah. We associate "learn" with work. That's why "discover" is better. But it could work with "Paint Your Car"...especially if you build a mental image like "Paint your car in an afternoon - with one hand tied behind your back" or something (don't hold me to that one ;-)

      But that head he has there is horrible. It has a double meaning and its too damn long.
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      • Profile picture of the author TheGraduate
        Originally Posted by Metronicity View Post

        Nah. We associate "learn" with work. That's why "discover" is better. But it could work with "Paint Your Car"...especially if you build a mental image like "Paint your car in an afternoon - with one hand tied behind your back" or something (don't hold me to that one ;-)

        But that head he has there is horrible. It has a double meaning and its too damn long.

        I do not know if you noticed the three dots I used after the word car, letting you know that the headline did not end with that word. Anyways, I really love sarcasm :rolleyes:
        Signature
        amazing product coming soon!
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