Is There a Copywriter In The House? Copy Critique Please**

MarkAndrews IMCopywriting

14 years ago

[DELETED]

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keys2prosper 14 years ago

hey,

Thanks a lot!

I will surly keep you in mind.

Tony
- Thanks
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keys2prosper 14 years ago

maybe I should remove that and make it a exit pop.

Thanks for your input. I also think that is a problem
ppl aren't reading the story...
- Thanks
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- MarkAndrews IMCopywriting 14 years ago
  
  [DELETED]
  
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  keys2prosper 14 years ago
  
  Mark, what is your fee for doing something like that for me?
  
  Thanks
  
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The Copy Nazi

Banned 14 years ago

Tony my man, there are a few problems with this page. I dig what you're trying to do and I think it's probably a good product. BUT

* get rid of the annoying pop-up for starters
* there are too many competing headlines - stick with a prehead/head/deck(sub-head)
* format the page properly. Clean up the design. Your Header would be much more powerful with a dramatic before and after shot rather than the cheesecake shot of the girl and the flashy cars.
* you look too young in the headshot. Get into your painters overalls and take another one with you holding the spray-can.
* get rid of the opt-in. Why give them a chance to click off? Just go for the jugular - get the sale.
* clean up the spelling mistakes - "benefits" and "conveniently" are two words I noticed misspelled.
* get yourself an UBB - "Ultimate Belcher Button" and have a sound file of a revving car when you mouseover. I posted a link to it in this sub-forum a few weeks back.
* Copy needs a rewrite. Nothing dramatic - just needs to flow/read better.
* Before and After photos are KILLER in this niche. You have some but you need to move them up the page and highlight them. Like the classic "Before" and "After" house shots or diet shots. We are all fascinated by Before & After.

There's more stuff but that'll do you for now. Cheers mate, Malkie.

p.s. one more - substitute "discover" for "learn". The latter sounds like its gonna be work.

[ 1 ] Thanks
2 replies

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keys2prosper

14 years ago

WOW Cool man!

yeah I thought that silly pop-up was too much.

how about an exit pop instead?

I need the list you as you know.

Thanks for the Great info Mal!

do you do formatting also?

"Ultimate Belcher Button" nice tip! that thing rocks! I got it here:
Get the Ultimate Belcher Button (UBB) with Rollover effects | TroyNotes

Talk soon!

Tony

Thanks
1 reply

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The Copy Nazi

Banned 14 years ago

Originally Posted by keys2prosper

WOW Cool man!

yeah I thought that silly pop-up was too much.

how about an exit pop instead?

I need the list you as you know.

Thanks for the Great info Mal!

do you do formatting also?

"Ultimate Belcher Button" nice tip! that thing rocks! I got it here:
Get the Ultimate Belcher Button (UBB) with Rollover effects | TroyNotes

Talk soon!

Tony

Troy has made a Wizard now. If you thought the first version was good then this is going to rock your world! The UBB Ultimate Belcher Button Wizard | TroyNotes

Thanks
1 reply

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keys2prosper 14 years ago

Mal,

how much to help me grab them ''by the balls?"
- Thanks
- 1 reply
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- The Copy Nazi Banned 14 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by keys2prosper
  
  Mal,
  
  how much to help me grab them ''by the balls?"
  
  I'll "empty your wallet". :p
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  keys2prosper 14 years ago
  
  I bet you would! haha
  
  thanks for the info Mal!
  
  Originally Posted by Metronicity
  
  I'll "empty your wallet". :p
  
  Thanks
  
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Jag82

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Metronicity

Tony my man, there are a few problems with this page. I dig what you're trying to do and I think it's probably a good product. BUT

* get rid of the annoying pop-up for starters

Hi Mal,

I won't be too quick to dismiss pop ups.

Sometimes, they can work great.

Tony,

Try testing with a hover pop up with variation
in the delay. And also a variation without
pop ups and compare.

Hover pop ups has worked well for me in
the past. And if you are using Adwords
to drive traffic, you can safely use hover pop ups
as it doesn't go against Adwords TOS (hover
pop ups doesn't result in a new window opening,
it instead open within the page).

Good luck,
Jag

Thanks
1 reply

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The Copy Nazi

Banned 14 years ago

Originally Posted by Jag82

Hi Mal,

I won't be too quick to dismiss pop ups.

Sometimes, they can work great.

Tony,

Try testing with a hover pop up with variation
in the delay. And also a variation without
pop ups and compare.

Hover pop ups has worked well for me in
the past. And if you are using Adwords
to drive traffic, you can safely use hover pop ups
as it doesn't go against Adwords TOS (hover
pop ups doesn't result in a new window opening,
it instead open within the page).

Good luck,
Jag

No kidding. But this is an annoying boringass popup that appears on the top left of his sales page on load and interferes with his headline.

I use pop-ups myself . Interesting ones. Judiciously. And never on a sales page like this. Have a look at these beauties. Beautiful and Professional Email Marketing Popup Images

Go ahead and take the free demo at the bottom of the page. Good fun. Tell 'em I sent you. (no affiliation)

[ 1 ] Thanks
1 reply

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Jag82

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Metronicity

No kidding. But this is an annoying boringass popup that appears on the top left of his sales page on load and interferes with his headline.

Originally Posted by jasondinner

Don't just "look into it"

Do something about it NOW because it is killing your conversions.

Your headline is the most important part of your letter and your visitors
can't read it because of your pop up.

Originally Posted by MarkAndrews IMCopywriting

It doesn't help that your email capture box within a split second, completely obscured the main headline.

So, straightaway I'm distracted from reading your sales copy.

Hi Mal, Jason Mark,

I agree with all of you.

Currently, there are a few characteristics
about the pop up:

1. The pop up is activated almost immediately.
Before you even have the time to read anything!

2. When you close the pop up, it "rushes" down
a 2nd time.

The way the pop up is employed now is
certainly intrusive and it blocks
the headline - the important component
of the sales letter - as Jason has pointed out.

The point I want to make here is on
how we use utilize the pop up.

It can make a huge difference.

Hence I suggested testing:

1. The timing of the delay

2. The manner in which the pop up appears

3. Testing against a page with no pop ups
or page with other forms of pop ups such
as an exit pop up

4. The HTML content within the pop up

The first 2 points I mentioned alone can
potentially make a big difference.

Try a 10 seconds delay. Or even longer.

This give this reader ample opportunity to
get "warmed up" as they read the content.

Through my testings, I've tested glide-down pop
overs with delays, normal pop ups, lightbox and exit pop ups.

I usually find that glide down pop over works best.

But then again, this may not be true for other niches,
so it's still important to test for yourself.

To end off, I want to reiterate that
what kind of pop up (e.g. pop over, light box, exit pop up),
and how we use it, and not forgetting the content
on the pop up (e.g. headline, images) can all make
a significant difference to the opt in/sales conversion.

Jag

Thanks

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Steve Baker

14 years ago

Agree with the comments above, plus I'd look at where you introduce your self "Tony B."

Do you have a last name, if so, use it as the "B." seems a bit dodgy and I immediately thought "why is he hiding his last name?

Do you have any testimonials? If so, put them in.

[ 1 ] Thanks
2 replies

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keys2prosper 14 years ago

ok Ill do that

yeah I have a last name..

Thanks!
- Thanks
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keys2prosper 14 years ago

No testimonials yet. working on the first bunch of members for feedback. Looking very happy so far. The next copy will be much better with testimonials and all.

Hope to make this a killer converting product.

Thanks for all your help here
- Thanks
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jasondinner

14 years ago

Tony B

I'm with everyone else on the pop-up. It blocks the headline. Maybe there's a way to time
it or just use an exit splash instead so it doesn't distract the visitor.

Also, I saw you mention the belcher button, but you're not using it very well.

If you watch this video from Perry, he explains how to use it for maximum conversion.

The Belcher Button Explained

As always though, you should not take everything he says as Gospel. Those are his results, but from extensive testing.

You should test yourself, but I bet doing exactly what he says will increase your conversions, IF people even make it that far down the sales page.

Also, i notice you have a recap in your guarantee section. Why not put your "Add To Cart" button right inside there?

- Jason

[ 1 ] Thanks
1 reply

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"Human thoughts have the tendency to transform themselves into their physical equivalent." Earl Nightingale

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Jag82

14 years ago

Originally Posted by jasondinner

Tony B

I'm with everyone else on the pop-up. It blocks the headline.

Maybe there's a way to time it or just use an exit splash instead so it doesn't distract the visitor.

Yes, there is a way to delay the pop up.

We don't want the pop up to appear so
quickly because the user barely started
reading.

I have tested hover ads that comes
slowly down in the past.

And I set the delay to about 7 seconds.

So that it allows the reader to read
for a while before the pop up appears.

I favor the slow appearance of pop
up rather than a "fast drop down", so
that it will not appear too intrusive.

Works very well for me, as I've gotten
many opt ins in my own testing.

That said, don't take my own result
as a definite. You definitely want to
test the delay timing.

Jag

Thanks
1 reply

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Ross Bowring 14 years ago

You've gotten some good advice for tweaking and improving the page.

I just wanted to compliment you on your efforts because it's not that far from being really good.

-- Ross
- [ 1 ] Thanks
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Jag82

14 years ago

Tony,

One more thing I want to add.

I find the "spikes" (not sure what to call that)
on the left and side of the sales page
very distracting.

It's keeping me from reading the main copy.

At least that's for me. Perhaps you
might want to seek a few other opinions
on this.

Jag

Thanks
2 replies

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BigWig10 14 years ago

Great work on the start of this page. Really like the header image - cool stuff.

I think the guys who responded earlier gave you some great advice so I'm not going to attempt to steal any glory.

My main distraction is that there is so much (maybe too much) going on here. Looking at it from an outside perspective, the first thing that comes to mind as I scroll down is "What am I looking at again?"

The Steps (Free Private Access / Secret Newsletter) and Call to Action (Add to Cart) are very distant from each other. While someone is scrolling down, getting lost in various headlines, they could easily get distracted and click out before every seeing the "Add to Cart" button.

Follow the advice of those above, and I think it will clear up this issue (clean up the copy, spelling, and narrow your focus).

Best wishes.
- Thanks
- 1 reply
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- keys2prosper 14 years ago
  
  Thank you for your input guys!!!
  
  Really appreciate it
  
  Thanks
  
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keys2prosper

14 years ago

Thanks Jag,

I'll look into the pop up timing maybe use a exit pop.

Originally Posted by Jag82

Tony,

One more thing I want to add.

I find the "spikes" (not sure what to call that)
on the left and side of the sales page
very distracting.

It's keeping me from reading the main copy.

At least that's for me. Perhaps you
might want to seek a few other opinions
on this.

Jag

Thanks
2 replies

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jasondinner

14 years ago

Originally Posted by keys2prosper

Thanks Jag,

I'll look into the pop up timing maybe use a exit pop.

Don't just "look into it"

Do something about it NOW because it is killing your conversions.

Your headline is the most important part of your letter and your visitors
can't read it because of your pop up.

So not only does this piss some people off, it also distracts them and
causes them to leave because they don't know what you're talking about
in the first place.

...All because the pop-up blocks the headline as soon as the page loads.

I'll bet that if you remove the pop up entirely, your conversions will go up...maybe even double.

You are better off not using any pop up at all if this is the only one you have
available to yourself.

Seriously, kill the pop up for now.

Put an opt-in form at the bottom of the sales page for people that make it that far
until you get something better.

Take some of your sales and invest it in this - Dave Guindon's Exit Splash | Exit Page Software

- Jason

[ 1 ] Thanks
1 reply

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"Human thoughts have the tendency to transform themselves into their physical equivalent." Earl Nightingale

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keys2prosper

14 years ago

Thanks Jason!

Originally Posted by jasondinner

Don't just "look into it"

Do something about it NOW because it is killing your conversions.

Your headline is the most important part of your letter and your visitors
can't read it because of your pop up.

So not only does this piss some people off, it also distracts them and
causes them to leave because they don't know what you're talking about
in the first place.

...All because the pop-up blocks the headline as soon as the page loads.

I'll bet that if you remove the pop up entirely, your conversions will go up...maybe even double.

You are better off not using any pop up at all if this is the only one you have
available to yourself.

Seriously, kill the pop up for now.

Put an opt-in form at the bottom of the sales page for people that make it that far
until you get something better.

Take some of your sales and invest it in this - Dave Guindon's Exit Splash | Exit Page Software

- Jason

Thanks

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Jag82 14 years ago

Originally Posted by keys2prosper

Thanks Jag,

I'll look into the pop up timing maybe use a exit pop.

If you use an exit pop up, there is no timing
for you to set. The pop up appears automatically
when you click on the "x" or "back" button.

I want you to be aware that if you are going
to use PPC to promote your offer, pop ups/unders
violate the TOS of all 3 major PPC engines - Google Adwords,
MSN AdCenter (Bing) and Yahoo.

Pop-over on the other hands, is not a pop up,
as it doesn't result in the opening of a new window.

So that is still permitted as far as Google Adwords
is concerned. I've yet to check this with Bing and
Yahoo, but I think it should be allowed.

Just some stuff I thought you may want to be aware of.

Jag
- [ 1 ] Thanks
- 1 reply
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- keys2prosper 14 years ago
  
  Thank you guys!
  
  I removed the pop-up for now.
  
  I will try a exit pop, and come up with
  a clearer call to action and use the belcher
  button.
  
  Again thank you for all of the tips!
  
  Tony Bandalos
  
  Thanks
  
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gee1

14 years ago

Excellent advise! ... good resource for copy education.

Good luck Tony B.

Thanks

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TheGraduate

14 years ago

I would get rid of the Discover How to.. in your headline, if you are selling something which is supposed to easily help me (in no-time) "do my own thing" to my vehicle, how come you are telling my brain that you want me to Discover How to.. , we human subconsciously associate the word discover with work (sometimes with hard intellectual work), just get rid of the Discover how to, and just say Paint your car...

Thanks
1 reply

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The Copy Nazi

Banned 14 years ago

Originally Posted by TheGraduate

I would get rid of the Discover How to.. in your headline, if you are selling something which is supposed to easily help me (in no-time) "do my own thing" to my vehicle, how come you are telling my brain that you want me to Discover How to.. , we human subconsciously associate the word discover with work (sometimes with hard intellectual work), just get rid of the Discover how to, and just say Paint your car...

Nah. We associate "learn" with work. That's why "discover" is better. But it could work with "Paint Your Car"...especially if you build a mental image like "Paint your car in an afternoon - with one hand tied behind your back" or something (don't hold me to that one ;-)

But that head he has there is horrible. It has a double meaning and its too damn long.

Thanks
1 reply

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TheGraduate

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Metronicity

Nah. We associate "learn" with work. That's why "discover" is better. But it could work with "Paint Your Car"...especially if you build a mental image like "Paint your car in an afternoon - with one hand tied behind your back" or something (don't hold me to that one ;-)

But that head he has there is horrible. It has a double meaning and its too damn long.

I do not know if you noticed the three dots I used after the word car, letting you know that the headline did not end with that word. Anyways, I really love sarcasm :rolleyes:

Thanks

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Is There a Copywriter In The House? Copy Critique Please**

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