14 replies
Hey Everyone-

Landing page:
The Total Bully Solution

One Time Offer page
Our One Time Offer!!!

Any constructive advice, tips, pointers will be welcomed. No need to be gentle....

  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    No punching allowed. :rolleyes:
    Okay, I don't care for video or audio that starts up without me selecting it. And there are plenty of people out there that feel the same way. Had this not been a critique viewing I would have definitely clicked away.

    I did watch this though. It's not bad but I think you guys would come across way better if it weren't so obvious that you're reading from a script, especially the second guy. The script is good and if you could get it down so it appears that it's coming spontaneously, it will be far better and more believable.

    As for the copy, I didn't read past the first sentence. That's because I had to read it three times before I understood what you meant. Here it is:

    They probably aren't going to come right out and tell you, but you're in tune with your child and you know something's wrong.

    I finally realized that 'they' is your child. The point is, you don't want to make your readers have to work that hard. The reality is, they won't. I didn't read past that point so I'll let someone pick it up from here. Good luck. I think you might have something good here after you iron out the bugs.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1813967].message }}
  • The guys in the video are two students of mine, actually. (A credibility element- I've been teaching and refining the system for years). But it does seem like the video is slowing things down, so I may 86 it.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1814014].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author ryanmberg
      I agree with travlinguy. The concept of the video is good, but the delivery could be improved. I don't like all the transitions... if you have to have transitions because it's hard to get good long takes you might make them direct transitions instead of the fading in and out. Made me dizzy =) You might also try throwing out the script and just getting honest, natural responses. Or maybe doing an interview with the two students.

      The rest of the copy is a good start. I'd throw in some specific teasers like... "The simple technique your child can use when receiving verbal abuse that will diffuse even the meanest bully for good." You want to get them excited about the specific tactics they're going to uncover if they hand over their name and email address.

      These bullets are too vague:

      Irresistible psychological tactics
      Enriching principals of personal development
      Secrets culled from decades of intense martial arts experience

      Not sure if "irresistible" is the best word. They want to get bullies away from their kids not make them irresistible targets. The other two bullets aren't saying much. What specific end results will they and their child get from this?

      I like the angle you're taking with "the advice you're giving your kid could be making things a lot worse". You might play that up more, as it could be a strong emotional hot button (the fear that they're hurting their kid... feeling of helplessness from not knowing what to do, etc.). Again, you could tease them with sentences like "The all too common piece of advice parents give their children about bullies that turn them into bully magnets."

      Overall a solid foundation, though. Hope this helps a bit.


      Don't even think about hiring a direct response copywriter until you read this: http://www.highresponsecopy.com/

      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1814160].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    You don't explicitly state exactly what a buyer would receive, only at the end of the sales page do you mention something about an ebook and media library.

    Make it clearer that the actual price is $47.

    '87% of all harassment' Show proof.

    Should it be a one time offer? Is it the only thing you're selling?

    The last picture's not good.

    Some of the formatting doesn't look quite right in Firefox.

    You need an apostrophe injection.

    Otherwise it's a good effort, I think you've got the language spot on and it'll directly talk to a lot of parents.

    Andrew Gould

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1815153].message }}
  • Thank you Andrew.

    I've got the flow structured so that a prospect hits the landing page- opts in - gets their free report (soon to be replaced with a short video lesson), and gets the OTO in the first auto-responder. The subsequent auto-responders link to the sales page where the price is higher.

    Ill mention the formatting issues to my web guy - although I like the video, it seems to be a stumbling block, so it's got to go.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1815283].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
      Originally Posted by Infinite Shades of Grey View Post

      The subsequent auto-responders link to the sales page where the price is higher.
      Then make it very clear that it is a one time offer and that they will have to pay a higher price if they decide to buy later on.

      Andrew Gould

      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1815353].message }}
  • What about:
    * Length of the copy
    * Price point
    * Demonstrating the real value vs monetary cost
    * Call to action
    * Emotional triggers

    This really is the highest quality product on the market in this niche. It will seriously help a lot of families who are dealing with a horrible situation
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1815302].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
      Originally Posted by Infinite Shades of Grey View Post

      What about:
      * Length of the copy
      * Price point
      * Demonstrating the real value vs monetary cost
      * Call to action
      * Emotional triggers

      This really is the highest quality product on the market in this niche. It will seriously help a lot of families who are dealing with a horrible situation
      The length seems fine.

      So does your price point but you might want to test lower and higher.

      Your perceived value is where your copy's not too hot. Your reader needs to know exactly what they're getting and why it's worth far more than what you're charging.

      Test putting in order buttons higher up your copy. Normally for lower priced items you want multiple order buttons. This might be especially so if you've done a good preselling job in your emails.

      I didn't notice too much emotional copy. I think I'd pile it on for a product like this. Without doing any research I could guess you'd want to play on fear and pride.

      If you really believe your product is the best on the market then $47 is definitely way too low a price for it. Martial arts/self defense DVDs aren't cheap so don't make you product look cheap by comparison.

      Andrew Gould

      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1815421].message }}
      • Thanks again Andrew.
        I just read a report from Eban Pagan and he had some awesome pointers on how to convert emotional suffering into a financial dollar amount, and that's easy enough to do.

        Thank you for all your input - I'm going to start working on it.
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1815728].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Nicholas Kemp
    First of all I think your header will send people away, rather than keep them at the site. I think you need a stronger headline. Also, your opt-in needs more work - an image, better copy.

    Your text needs spacing and I would use images to break it up. Also, I would take a different approach to your copy - a case study of a family who overcame bullying. I don't think an aggressive copy can work for this subject.

    Also "teach" is not a good word to use in your copy - too many negative associations.

    Hope this helps

    Helping Japanese communicate with the world - 英会話教材

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1815311].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Mr. Enthusiastic
    For your next review cycle here, how about "I can take a punch so some kids won't have to."

    When you do your revision, check formatting in each of the major browsers.
    The squeeze page formatting is totally broken on Firefox. The right half of the letter shows up on the left half of the screen.
    The OTO page formatting is very scattered on Firefox - lots of strange spacing, with some of the checkbox bullets crammed together.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1815992].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author AnthonyAdams
    Good advice from others - I might put an additional sign up at the bottom, so they don't have to scroll back up to fill out the form. Or at least put a link to an anchor that brings them back up.
    CreditCovers.com: skins for credit cards! - "...a new dawn in viral marketing..." - BusinessWeek
    DetentionSlip.org: crazy school news! - "Top 25 Blogs Worldwide 2009" - Time Magazine / CNN
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1834054].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author DougBarger

    While taking just a quick glance at your letter, I spotted an area immediately where testing adding this small tweak to give you an instant increase in your sales conversion % could make a great improvement in light of how little it takes to add it.

    Right before the place you have your picture and just after this line of copy,
    "I personally guarantee it."

    To the right of it, I believe if you'll add your digital signature there,
    you'll be pleased with the results.

    It works with your picture to instill more trust and gives a face and name with
    a "person" backing up the promise/guarantee with their signature affixed.

    If you'd like to arrange a way to discuss other ways to improving your sales,
    feel free to send me a pm.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1834741].message }}

Trending Topics