This Should Be The Best Sales Page I Guess!

Your header graphic's difficult to separate from the background.

The background's distracting.

'brand new perspective way' doesn't make sense.

Break up the copy more. Make it easier to read.

'click here to add me' doesn't work.

Some sentences don't quite make sense.

'step-by-step pictorial cash pulling system' ??

Your bullets are a bit too long and a bit too dull.

The special offer bit on the bottom needs, at the least, to be incorporated into the main copy.

I agree that the graphics need revamping. The capital TO and the gold letters on top of gold picture make this thing very hard to read right from the start. Gold Robot Suitcase Porter doesn't make me think of either Facebook or marketing. The repeated use of "dig" reminds of the social network site digg, which is a little confusing for an ad about Facebook. Bullhorn figure doesn't work for me either.

I think you need a total redesign - something with a modern, clean, uncluttered happy friendly web 2.0 look.

Once you get into the text it's pretty much OK, although you never do explain what you sell.

"Has it not occurred to you" is akwardly formal double-negative language. There's also a bunch of the "yes I'm hyping but you gotta believe me anyway" kind of language that often comes from Nigerian scams. A round of proofreading by a fluent American, UK or Aussie editor could help the language flow better and take out the negativity.

Oh, at the bottom I see you are from Lagos. Unfortunately, that would put me off. I think you might do better to joint venture with someone in a more respected country. Let them provide you with an American or British phone and mailing address in exchange for 10% of the sale. Just an idea.

The box switches between dollars and pounds.
The farmville example has xxx's where specific figures should go.
There's a leftover vertical bar after the Twitter book.
These show a lack of proofreading.
If the ad has those kinds of mistakes, would the book have similar mistakes that could hurt my business?

I really like the complete social networking package: Facebook, Twitter and Youtube. I think you should emphasize that you offer a complete package with how to make money guides on all three sites, so there is something for everyone no matter which site is their favorite.

I think you're pretty close to a great sales letter and should keep working at it.

Chris

The background must DIE... immediately.

Can't read another word until it disappears...

It's THAT important.

Brian

.... I checked this thread a few days ago, totally
agree with the 'horrid background' comments ....

and now a few days later, I don't see any change....

Veit

The picture/design is up to you! It has to be part of your own creativity for the site.

By modern web 2.0 look I meant look at Google, Yahoo, Facebook, Wikipedia, Blogger, Twitter, etc. The most popular web sites these days use similar designs.

These designs have plenty of white space. They are easy to read, use similar fonts and colors, the boxes have rounded corners, colors are unobtrusive (several use blue, very easy on the eyes). If they use gold or orange colors, they are only for accents, not for the whole page. The most popular and respected Web sites haven't used repeated background images for more than a decade.

If you compare these sites to each other, you can easily find ten things like this that they all do... and that your site doesn't do.

If you want people to think "this is up to date on the Internet," why not make your site look similar?

If your local customers use bank transfer, yes it would make more sense to have a separate page for them. The rest of the world would probably prefer to use Paypal.

There are many news reports about unethical Nigerians who make up lying stories to scam Internet users. Your own offer might be great, and you might be an honest seller with good information. But the negative reputation of Nigerian scams could really hurt your international sales. I think many people online simply won't give any offer from Nigeria a chance because of all the negative news. (I'm not saying this is fair, just that it happens, and it might take many years to change these attitudes.)

Your examples use your own Facebook conversations, so of course the letter should still be from you personally. If I see that a book was written by a Nigerian, but the publisher/seller is American and takes Paypal, I have more confidence placing my order.

So in your situation I would have two separate sales letters. One would be Dear Fellow Nigerian, here's how to make money with Facebook... here's how to order by Nigerian bank transfer... here's how to contact me in Lagos... my personal promise of guarantee... you could also mention that this is a way to make money online with total honesty. The other would be Dear Facebook User, here's how to make money with your social networking hobby... here's how to order by Paypal... for customer service questions here's the address/phone (U.S. or U.K.)... our guarantee is backed by Paypal/Clickbank/etc.

What really matters is not all of our opinions, but whether people buy! Get a graphic designer to help you make a new look for the ad. Decide whether or not you want to have an international version. Put it up and see what happens. Then start testing different headlines, etc.

By the way for posting here you only need to quote the specific line of the original message, not the whole thing.

Good luck with the redesign! (Might want to ask in the Website Design forum for that. It's just below the copywriting forum here.)

sorry but its eye sore... yellow and golden bold letters are troublesome to read.
this is -ve pls dont wait for reviews do what all above as said..

all the best

People told you to change the background. So change it.

To anything.

A lot of people posting in this thread charge good money for professional critiques... and being rude and demanding isn't going to help you get more help.

-Dan

I see lots of golden money on the background and no longer interested on the product. You might have great text there but my eyes are pulled by the golden repeated money

If you're actually making $200 a day via Facebook - Save 50% of what you make for 30 days and hire a professional copywriter. A $3,000 copywriter will make sure you've got a good sales letter that's going to convert.

I've got the names of some who might be willing to work with that price if you can raise it.

I'm no expert but I just read your page and It took me as far as the payment page, but for some reason, it did not drive me to go further...at that point, it seemed like another suspicious product to me...Was I erring on the side of caution...copywriters, care to comment?

Background is distracting and all images are distorted. I would recommend paying a professional to make good, quality graphics to your website as it will be more appealing. You don't need to put so much information down.. just enough to attract the potential clients.

The background is still very distracting and it makes the site look unprofessional. But not as unprofessional as any association you might make to Nigeria. I don't know why people come in here asking for advice and then ignore it, or even argue with people who have years of experience and have already learned from the same or similar mistakes. Any association or reference to Nigeria will hurt you. Period.

Just one thing. You'll be given lots of advice. Apart from basic stuff like grammar, once you're past that fundamental stage, change one thing at a time and track how that one change impacts on conversions. Makes things better? Worse? Then go from there

Holy schmoly your blue mini-site background is KILLING my eyes

And that new header ain't too good either

The background is much better but the color is almost the same blue as your header graphic. I'd suggest lightening up the background a little. You have serious formatting issues still.

Toward the bottom of the page where you start with 'Special Offer' needs fixing. Rather than put that stuff in a seperate table, just extend the main template. You also have two blocks of text way outside to the left just hanging there in the background by the bottom table. At least that's how it's showing in IE7.

If you've spent over $6k on copywriting books (and read them all)... and this is your best shot...

Well... you really do need a professional.

Furthermore... it's pretty obvious you've never worked with a copywriter before.

We don't ask clients what we want... we research the market, analyze the competition, go through your product... and write a great letter.

Generally THEN we change it if you don't like it (often with repeated warnings as to why you shouldn't do it).

You say you're a designer... yet your own design was crucified by many, many direct response professionals... and now you're asking US how it should be?

It's pretty clear that if your product worked as described, and you were making that kind of cash, you'd hire professionals to do the job.

Hell... you can get a killer minisite designed by some guy in the Fillipines (or wherever) for around $100.

We don't mind helping out... but treating as like we're idiots isn't a bright idea.

-Dan

Friend - you really need to take heed of the advice already given above. And I don't want to upset you any further, but that video is truly aweful.

Will