This Should Be The Best Sales Page I Guess!

by helper
45 replies
Hi Copywriters. Thanks for checking my post. Pls i want you to help me review my sales page and i need your honest review and suggestions.

Is the sales page converting?
Is the design ok with the name?
Does it appeal enough?

The site is about making money on facebook and here is the link
#guess #page #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    Your header graphic's difficult to separate from the background.

    The background's distracting.

    'brand new perspective way' doesn't make sense.

    Break up the copy more. Make it easier to read.

    'click here to add me' doesn't work.

    Some sentences don't quite make sense.

    'step-by-step pictorial cash pulling system' ??

    Your bullets are a bit too long and a bit too dull.

    The special offer bit on the bottom needs, at the least, to be incorporated into the main copy.
    Signature

    Andrew Gould

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    • Profile picture of the author RareGoodStuff
      Originally Posted by Andrew Gould View Post

      Your header graphic's difficult to separate from the background.

      The background's distracting.

      'brand new perspective way' doesn't make sense.

      Break up the copy more. Make it easier to read.

      'click here to add me' doesn't work.

      Some sentences don't quite make sense.

      'step-by-step pictorial cash pulling system' ??

      Your bullets are a bit too long and a bit too dull.

      The special offer bit on the bottom needs, at the least, to be incorporated into the main copy.
      Here are my three points:

      1. The sales copy is so poorly written and the background color scheme is horrible. The price?! Though you set your own price but if I were you, of course I'm not, I'd rather give it away for FREE to build a list of and establish credibility which at this point you don't have or struggling to get. Then look for back-end products to make money from as people download your free stuff.

      2. Make the background color white. Keep it simple with less whistles and bells. Too much graphics distract the buyer's attention. Gold bars and yellow colors look cheesy and convey a tasteless image of 'gold digging' not facebook opportunities that you are selling. If you are peddling gold and related opportunities, then gold bars will make sense.

      3. Re-write your copy and show your target why it makes financial profit to buy whatever you are offering.

      Finally, pay good attention to Andrew Gould, his suggestions will help you a lot in case you to ignore what others have suggested.

      Good luck to you!
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      • Profile picture of the author AustinLadyTam
        In addition to Gould's good suggestions, I would add that the top subhead is weak..."Let me show you?" Need a stronger qualifier of the reader.

        2nd subhead (below headline) is just too long, as are most of your paragraphs. As Gould said, break 'em up. No paragraphs longer than 3 or 4 lines, please!
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        Find out how you can produce powerful, fist-pumping profits with a rock-em, sock-em sales system created by a former robotics engineer who rips apart winning sales copy to see what makes it tick so she make yours even better…PM me for details
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      • Profile picture of the author helper
        Originally Posted by RareGoodStuff View Post

        Here are my three points:

        1. The sales copy is so poorly written and the background color scheme is horrible. The price?! Though you set your own price but if I were you, of course I'm not, I'd rather give it away for FREE to build a list of and establish credibility which at this point you don't have or struggling to get. Then look for back-end products to make money from as people download your free stuff.

        2. Make the background color white. Keep it simple with less whistles and bells. Too much graphics distract the buyer's attention. Gold bars and yellow colors look cheesy and convey a tasteless image of 'gold digging' not facebook opportunities that you are selling. If you are peddling gold and related opportunities, then gold bars will make sense.

        3. Re-write your copy and show your target why it makes financial profit to buy whatever you are offering.

        Finally, pay good attention to Andrew Gould, his suggestions will help you a lot in case you to ignore what others have suggested.

        Good luck to you!
        I cant give it away for free because the information is so valuable. Am thinking of reconsidering it to $37 but the bonus are just too much for that. What do you think
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  • Profile picture of the author Mr. Enthusiastic
    I agree that the graphics need revamping. The capital TO and the gold letters on top of gold picture make this thing very hard to read right from the start. Gold Robot Suitcase Porter doesn't make me think of either Facebook or marketing. The repeated use of "dig" reminds of the social network site digg, which is a little confusing for an ad about Facebook. Bullhorn figure doesn't work for me either.

    I think you need a total redesign - something with a modern, clean, uncluttered happy friendly web 2.0 look.

    Once you get into the text it's pretty much OK, although you never do explain what you sell.

    "Has it not occurred to you" is akwardly formal double-negative language. There's also a bunch of the "yes I'm hyping but you gotta believe me anyway" kind of language that often comes from Nigerian scams. A round of proofreading by a fluent American, UK or Aussie editor could help the language flow better and take out the negativity.

    Oh, at the bottom I see you are from Lagos. Unfortunately, that would put me off. I think you might do better to joint venture with someone in a more respected country. Let them provide you with an American or British phone and mailing address in exchange for 10% of the sale. Just an idea.

    The box switches between dollars and pounds.
    The farmville example has xxx's where specific figures should go.
    There's a leftover vertical bar after the Twitter book.
    These show a lack of proofreading.
    If the ad has those kinds of mistakes, would the book have similar mistakes that could hurt my business?

    I really like the complete social networking package: Facebook, Twitter and Youtube. I think you should emphasize that you offer a complete package with how to make money guides on all three sites, so there is something for everyone no matter which site is their favorite.

    I think you're pretty close to a great sales letter and should keep working at it.

    Chris
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    • Profile picture of the author helper
      Originally Posted by Mr. Enthusiastic View Post

      I agree that the graphics need revamping. The capital TO and the gold letters on top of gold picture make this thing very hard to read right from the start. Gold Robot Suitcase Porter doesn't make me think of either Facebook or marketing. The repeated use of "dig" reminds of the social network site digg, which is a little confusing for an ad about Facebook. Bullhorn figure doesn't work for me either.

      I think you need a total redesign - something with a modern, clean, uncluttered happy friendly web 2.0 look.

      Once you get into the text it's pretty much OK, although you never do explain what you sell.

      "Has it not occurred to you" is akwardly formal double-negative language. There's also a bunch of the "yes I'm hyping but you gotta believe me anyway" kind of language that often comes from Nigerian scams. A round of proofreading by a fluent American, UK or Aussie editor could help the language flow better and take out the negativity.

      Oh, at the bottom I see you are from Lagos. Unfortunately, that would put me off. I think you might do better to joint venture with someone in a more respected country. Let them provide you with an American or British phone and mailing address in exchange for 10% of the sale. Just an idea.

      The box switches between dollars and pounds.
      The farmville example has xxx's where specific figures should go.
      There's a leftover vertical bar after the Twitter book.
      These show a lack of proofreading.
      If the ad has those kinds of mistakes, would the book have similar mistakes that could hurt my business?

      I really like the complete social networking package: Facebook, Twitter and Youtube. I think you should emphasize that you offer a complete package with how to make money guides on all three sites, so there is something for everyone no matter which site is their favorite.

      I think you're pretty close to a great sales letter and should keep working at it.

      Chris
      Thanks for the last statement. It makes me happy.
      Talking about my header, what picture do you suggest i should use, i cant think of any other than changing it to a guy on a laptop, probably mark zuckerberg.

      What should i change, the background image or the background colour? I need a good suggestion but i think the background image (gold) makes sense because of the domain name. Suggestions welcome anyway.

      What do you mean by I think you need a total redesign - something with a modern, clean, uncluttered happy friendly web 2.0 look.
      I need a better explanation

      Am from lagos. What is wrong with that and what do you know people think about lagos? If i make a deal as you suggested with an american or uk resident, should the introductory sales page be
      From:OLATUNDE FARINDE & JEREMY CHRIS
      or just JEREMY CHRIS alone?
      Should the address be both Lagos and UK or American address?

      Also, i will be targeting Nigerians too. Should i create a subdomain for it specifically for Nigerians as most of them would order by direct bank deposit and i will be changing the order page to my bank details.

      Pls i need your honest response and i will really appreciate you.
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        • Profile picture of the author A Bary
          The background is HORRIBLE..

          The header is very cheesy, it reminds me of the late "e-gold"

          There are very good designers on the warriors for hire section, for something like $47 you will get a decent professional sales letter..

          Your product has a good potential, don't destroy your chances with this horrible design

          A Bary
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          • Profile picture of the author helper
            Originally Posted by goldmind123 View Post

            The background is HORRIBLE..

            The header is very cheesy, it reminds me with the late "e-gold"

            There are very good designers on the warriors for hire section, for something like $47 you can a decent professional sales letter..

            Your product has a good potential, don't destroy your chances with this horrible design

            A Bary
            Thanks for the review but everyone has said it already. I need suggestions. Should i just make it plain blue (facebook colour) or another background image.
            As for the header, what image do you suggest bearing the name of the domain in mind?
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            • Profile picture of the author A Bary
              Originally Posted by helper View Post

              Thanks for the review but everyone has said it already. I need suggestions. Should i just make it plain blue (facebook colour) or another background image.
              As for the header, what image do you suggest bearing the name of the domain in mind?
              I have already suggested you hire some designer for a few bucks..

              And I suggest blue theme, much better for the viewer and relates to FB
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  • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
    The background must DIE... immediately.

    Can't read another word until it disappears...

    It's THAT important.

    Brian
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    • Profile picture of the author Collette
      3 Simple Steps to
      An Infinitely Better Salespage
      Than The One You Have Now

      (1) Get rid of the background. Yesterday. Please.
      (2) Do what Andrew sez.
      (3) Come back here for Round 2.
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  • Profile picture of the author VeitSchenk
    .... I checked this thread a few days ago, totally
    agree with the 'horrid background' comments ....

    and now a few days later, I don't see any change....

    Veit
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    Connect with me on FB: https://www.facebook.com/veitschenk

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    • Profile picture of the author helper
      Originally Posted by VeitSchenk View Post

      .... I checked this thread a few days ago, totally
      agree with the 'horrid background' comments ....

      and now a few days later, I don't see any change....

      Veit
      Everyone says the background is horrible but no suggestion. Maybe i will change it my 'taste' and come back here for review tomorrow.
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      • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
        Originally Posted by helper View Post

        Everyone says the background is horrible but no suggestion. Maybe i will change it my 'taste' and come back here for review tomorrow.
        Here you go then: I'd split-test white (ffffff) against 'facebook blue' (3b5998).

        You need to bear in mind that your 'taste' is completely irrelevant, the only thing that matters is which background converts the best.
        Signature

        Andrew Gould

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      • Profile picture of the author pickthat apple
        Hi helper,
        I do think that you should not mention "Nigeria" in your page -for the moment- reason being that it is true that a lot of scams origin from Nigeria, and that does not help your case.
        However, I look forward for the first honest Nigerian business man...
        So, there you are! Prove everybody wrong...
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  • Profile picture of the author Mr. Enthusiastic
    The picture/design is up to you! It has to be part of your own creativity for the site.

    By modern web 2.0 look I meant look at Google, Yahoo, Facebook, Wikipedia, Blogger, Twitter, etc. The most popular web sites these days use similar designs.

    These designs have plenty of white space. They are easy to read, use similar fonts and colors, the boxes have rounded corners, colors are unobtrusive (several use blue, very easy on the eyes). If they use gold or orange colors, they are only for accents, not for the whole page. The most popular and respected Web sites haven't used repeated background images for more than a decade.

    If you compare these sites to each other, you can easily find ten things like this that they all do... and that your site doesn't do.

    If you want people to think "this is up to date on the Internet," why not make your site look similar?

    If your local customers use bank transfer, yes it would make more sense to have a separate page for them. The rest of the world would probably prefer to use Paypal.

    There are many news reports about unethical Nigerians who make up lying stories to scam Internet users. Your own offer might be great, and you might be an honest seller with good information. But the negative reputation of Nigerian scams could really hurt your international sales. I think many people online simply won't give any offer from Nigeria a chance because of all the negative news. (I'm not saying this is fair, just that it happens, and it might take many years to change these attitudes.)

    Your examples use your own Facebook conversations, so of course the letter should still be from you personally. If I see that a book was written by a Nigerian, but the publisher/seller is American and takes Paypal, I have more confidence placing my order.

    So in your situation I would have two separate sales letters. One would be Dear Fellow Nigerian, here's how to make money with Facebook... here's how to order by Nigerian bank transfer... here's how to contact me in Lagos... my personal promise of guarantee... you could also mention that this is a way to make money online with total honesty. The other would be Dear Facebook User, here's how to make money with your social networking hobby... here's how to order by Paypal... for customer service questions here's the address/phone (U.S. or U.K.)... our guarantee is backed by Paypal/Clickbank/etc.

    What really matters is not all of our opinions, but whether people buy! Get a graphic designer to help you make a new look for the ad. Decide whether or not you want to have an international version. Put it up and see what happens. Then start testing different headlines, etc.

    By the way for posting here you only need to quote the specific line of the original message, not the whole thing.

    Good luck with the redesign! (Might want to ask in the Website Design forum for that. It's just below the copywriting forum here.)
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    • Profile picture of the author helper
      Originally Posted by Mr. Enthusiastic View Post

      The picture/design is up to you! It has to be part of your own creativity for the site.

      By modern web 2.0 look I meant look at Google, Yahoo, Facebook, Wikipedia, Blogger, Twitter, etc. The most popular web sites these days use similar designs.

      These designs have plenty of white space. They are easy to read, use similar fonts and colors, the boxes have rounded corners, colors are unobtrusive (several use blue, very easy on the eyes). If they use gold or orange colors, they are only for accents, not for the whole page. The most popular and respected Web sites haven't used repeated background images for more than a decade.

      If you compare these sites to each other, you can easily find ten things like this that they all do... and that your site doesn't do.

      If you want people to think "this is up to date on the Internet," why not make your site look similar?

      If your local customers use bank transfer, yes it would make more sense to have a separate page for them. The rest of the world would probably prefer to use Paypal.

      There are many news reports about unethical Nigerians who make up lying stories to scam Internet users. Your own offer might be great, and you might be an honest seller with good information. But the negative reputation of Nigerian scams could really hurt your international sales. I think many people online simply won't give any offer from Nigeria a chance because of all the negative news. (I'm not saying this is fair, just that it happens, and it might take many years to change these attitudes.)

      Your examples use your own Facebook conversations, so of course the letter should still be from you personally. If I see that a book was written by a Nigerian, but the publisher/seller is American and takes Paypal, I have more confidence placing my order.

      So in your situation I would have two separate sales letters. One would be Dear Fellow Nigerian, here's how to make money with Facebook... here's how to order by Nigerian bank transfer... here's how to contact me in Lagos... my personal promise of guarantee... you could also mention that this is a way to make money online with total honesty. The other would be Dear Facebook User, here's how to make money with your social networking hobby... here's how to order by Paypal... for customer service questions here's the address/phone (U.S. or U.K.)... our guarantee is backed by Paypal/Clickbank/etc.

      What really matters is not all of our opinions, but whether people buy! Get a graphic designer to help you make a new look for the ad. Decide whether or not you want to have an international version. Put it up and see what happens. Then start testing different headlines, etc.

      By the way for posting here you only need to quote the specific line of the original message, not the whole thing.

      Good luck with the redesign! (Might want to ask in the Website Design forum for that. It's just below the copywriting forum here.)
      Thanks for the honest comment. Talking about Nigeria scammers, this is a problem affecting everyone Nigerians including the good ones. I am a member of MICROSOFT INTERNET SAFETY SECURITY AND PRIVACY INITIATIVE FOR NIGERIA and we are really fighting hard to stop scammers so we can restor the image of our country. But if fraud continues, i guess i have to change my nationality and locate to US. lol.
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  • Profile picture of the author jaiganeshv
    sorry but its eye sore... yellow and golden bold letters are troublesome to read.
    this is -ve pls dont wait for reviews do what all above as said..

    all the best
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    People told you to change the background. So change it.

    To anything.

    A lot of people posting in this thread charge good money for professional critiques... and being rude and demanding isn't going to help you get more help.

    -Dan
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    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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  • Profile picture of the author robrave
    I see lots of golden money on the background and no longer interested on the product. You might have great text there but my eyes are pulled by the golden repeated money
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  • Profile picture of the author Chris Ramsey
    If you're actually making $200 a day via Facebook - Save 50% of what you make for 30 days and hire a professional copywriter. A $3,000 copywriter will make sure you've got a good sales letter that's going to convert.

    I've got the names of some who might be willing to work with that price if you can raise it.
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  • Profile picture of the author reedworthy
    I'm no expert but I just read your page and It took me as far as the payment page, but for some reason, it did not drive me to go further...at that point, it seemed like another suspicious product to me...Was I erring on the side of caution...copywriters, care to comment?
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    • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
      Originally Posted by reedworthy View Post

      I'm no expert but I just read your page and It took me as far as the payment page, but for some reason, it did not drive me to go further...at that point, it seemed like another suspicious product to me...Was I erring on the side of caution...copywriters, care to comment?
      I can't comment on whether or not you were right to not purchase but I can offer a possible insight into why you didn't:

      The complete lack of proof and credibility combined with a high price.

      I'll buy from an unknown seller if there's proof, I'll buy from an expert even if there's not, and if the price is right I'll buy from anyone. But this is lacking all three.
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      Andrew Gould

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  • Profile picture of the author TheKeys
    Background is distracting and all images are distorted. I would recommend paying a professional to make good, quality graphics to your website as it will be more appealing. You don't need to put so much information down.. just enough to attract the potential clients.
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    The background is still very distracting and it makes the site look unprofessional. But not as unprofessional as any association you might make to Nigeria. I don't know why people come in here asking for advice and then ignore it, or even argue with people who have years of experience and have already learned from the same or similar mistakes. Any association or reference to Nigeria will hurt you. Period.
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  • Profile picture of the author Edk
    Just one thing. You'll be given lots of advice. Apart from basic stuff like grammar, once you're past that fundamental stage, change one thing at a time and track how that one change impacts on conversions. Makes things better? Worse? Then go from there
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  • Profile picture of the author webber88
    Banned
    [DELETED]
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    The background is much better but the color is almost the same blue as your header graphic. I'd suggest lightening up the background a little. You have serious formatting issues still.

    Toward the bottom of the page where you start with 'Special Offer' needs fixing. Rather than put that stuff in a seperate table, just extend the main template. You also have two blocks of text way outside to the left just hanging there in the background by the bottom table. At least that's how it's showing in IE7.
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    If you've spent over $6k on copywriting books (and read them all)... and this is your best shot...

    Well... you really do need a professional.

    Furthermore... it's pretty obvious you've never worked with a copywriter before.

    We don't ask clients what we want... we research the market, analyze the competition, go through your product... and write a great letter.

    Generally THEN we change it if you don't like it (often with repeated warnings as to why you shouldn't do it).

    You say you're a designer... yet your own design was crucified by many, many direct response professionals... and now you're asking US how it should be?

    It's pretty clear that if your product worked as described, and you were making that kind of cash, you'd hire professionals to do the job.

    Hell... you can get a killer minisite designed by some guy in the Fillipines (or wherever) for around $100.

    We don't mind helping out... but treating as like we're idiots isn't a bright idea.

    -Dan
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    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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  • Profile picture of the author Will Edwards
    Friend - you really need to take heed of the advice already given above. And I don't want to upset you any further, but that video is truly aweful.

    Will
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