go and do your favorite thing!

12 replies
I ain't a copywriter... but I do have some other skills. (That said, I ain't a flashing web designer either.)

Here's the page: Issamar.com

Rip it apart... it's your favorite thing!
#favorite #thing
  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    Your headline doesn't make sense to me, I don't get the blood, magazine and success link. And there's no deck copy to expand on it and explain it. And, having read through the rest of it now, it doesn't explain it anywhere.

    His picture is ever so slightly scary.

    'Makes no claims of being morally or ethically superior' ??!! This line subtly presupposes that he is. Don't know if that's your intention or not but if I was a prospect you'd have lost me for good with this.

    Feature your $25,000 testimonial high in the body copy.

    Put an opt-in box at the bottom of the page as well as the top, make it as easy as possible for people to give you their email address.

    It goes on for too long about how amazing the Rabbi is without focusing on exactly what he can do for you. People are less bothered about qualifications and more about results. Use some punchy bullets to highlight what he can do for your prospect's business.

    Hope some of this helps.
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    Andrew Gould

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  • Profile picture of the author webber88
    Banned
    [DELETED]
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    • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
      First off, I'd lose the whole "third person" thing.

      You need some empathy in this letter. Right now I don't see much, if any.

      Weave the testimonials into the letter.

      Show them you truly understand the frustrations they are dealing with not making the money they need or want.

      If you're going to use those "as seen in" graphics, then put them up top to establish credibility. Even get a few screen-grabs of articles or appearances and use them as further credibility building down your page.

      As cute as it is, no-one cares about your amateur violin playing. I know you're doing it to 3-D yourself but there's better ways to pull it off. It doesn't deserve its own paragraph.

      And going from big font to small highlighted font doesn't work for me either. Just go with one consistent font, maybe with some bold, but not highlighted IMHO.

      You've got the elements for a nice letter here. Just need to be re-organized and written in the first person like a regular "letter".

      Good luck.

      --- Ross
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    In a word - disastrous. Corny headline, confusing copy, lousy layout and if you're going to use a headshot at least have the good rabbi looking straight at us. Do yourself a favor and hire a decent copywriter. This page is terminal.
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    • Profile picture of the author Harlan
      Originally Posted by Metronicity View Post

      In a word - disastrous. Corny headline, confusing copy, lousy layout and if you're going to use a headshot at least have the good rabbi looking straight at us. Do yourself a favor and hire a decent copywriter. This page is terminal.
      But when you are the Revenue Rabbi, you can do anything - even write copy.

      Hmmm. Where have I heard this suggestion before?

      Izzy, hire a copywriter.

      The guys here are being polite.

      Not only does the page LOOK bad, the copy doesn't credentialize you in any way as what you are going to do for the clients.

      Maybe if you guys keep beating on him, he will listen.
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      Harlan D. Kilstein Ed.D.
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  • Profile picture of the author J. Barry Mandel
    Rabbi,


    You get an "A" for trying, but the headline and subheadline is a looser...

    Even if your target market is orthodox/hasidic Jews the copy is way, way off.

    Your page formatting also needs improvement.

    I sense that you have a darn good angle, however you're not exploiting it as best as possible.


    Best of Luck!
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  • Profile picture of the author RevenueRabbi
    Thank you for all your input. I have made many changes as suggested on the page.... and will keep tweaking... and THEN hire a copywriter so I have something to control against...
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  • Profile picture of the author Mr. Enthusiastic
    Your user name here is clever, easy to remember and spell. The .com version of it is already taken, but how about some other clever, fun play on words like salescommandments.com, incometablets.com, or orthodoxprofits.com? If I only heard someone mention your name, I wouldn't know how to spell it.

    The headline should make clear that the page is for small business owners who could use a business growth consultant.
    It should then make clear that you have successfully provided this help to other businesses.
    If it's important to have the orthodox Rabbi identity, you could include that as well.

    Off the top of my head:
    The next best thing to divine revelation for entrepreneurs
    Your job is to pray to heaven, mine is to make you wealthy on earth
    Combine the latest business strategies with thousands of years of wisdom

    These aren't very good but you can get the idea.

    Then there should be a picture of you. Some kind of comment about how your religious training lets you help people get closer to G-d, while your business experience helps your clients get closer to their customers.

    Now interleave what you say about yourself with what others say about you - clients and the news media.

    In boxes similar to your testimonials, I would include the first paragraph of the reviews and feature stories about you from the media, along with a link to the full article. Between the testimonial boxes and review boxes, tell your story, a few paragraphs at a time, about how you became the Revenue Rabbi, how you work, what you offer your clients. How do you feel about your consulting career? What is its spiritual meaning?

    Conclude with a definite offer, such as a free initial consultation (only ten available per month). Leave people with a theme, such as: The business ideas are free and the spiritual boost is priceless.

    Every word and line should build up your theme: This guy's serious about using spiritual and business principles to help entrepreneurs succeed, and he's good at it. (That's what I guess is your theme.)

    Edit out everything that doesn't help build to your theme. For example, "Check all the boxes above" means nothing with no boxes above. And "best dad award" is also meaningless for the sales letter.

    The testimonials would be more powerful if they had specific numbers. "Increased our profits by 35% in a year," "helped us open up a new distribution channel that's now a $3 million a year business," "showed us how to gain 178 new customers in five weeks," or whatever you've actually achieved for clients.

    Instead of including your Facebook page, just link to it. A simple "join me on Facebook" is enough.

    There are many excellent guides to marketing a solo consulting practice. Look to people like Alan Weiss, Jay Conrad Levinson, Howard Shenson, and Jeffrey Fox.

    Rather than just a standard sales letter, you really should be building an authority site for yourself with articles and case studies, interviews, Youtube clips, etc. The authors I mentioned take you by the hand for the mindset, strategy and steps involved. A blog would be a natural for you, maybe a weekly article about a spiritual perspective on business ethics. Press releases that get you onto talk radio shows. A weekly email about how your spiritual tradition informs your business consulting.
    Mark Silver is also brilliant with this.

    Shine your light and let people find you. That will be so much better than a second-rate sales letter.

    Chris
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  • Profile picture of the author ChrisChoiSEO
    That salesletter is talking too much about yourself rather than focusing on the prospect. It doesn't engage the prospects needs and wants but goes straight into your credibility. Try engaging them by pushing their pain or starting out with hard hitting benefits then start to talk about your credientials.
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  • Profile picture of the author RevenueRabbi
    I have made many changes after reading all the wonderful suggestions you guys made.

    While much work remains to be done, Take a peek...

    any improvement?
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  • Profile picture of the author erinwrites
    This happens all the time: when we try to sell our own services it is so much harder to get outside of our own heads and just sell. I know because I do it too

    What I see when I read your letter is a cover letter to a potential employer trying to pass itself off as a sales letter. It's a lot of "this is why I rock" and not a lot of "here is what you need and how I will give it to you."

    I think you're on the right track but, like others have said, you probably need some outside eyes to help you get the best results. Hiring a copywriter is not always about hiring someone more experienced. Sometimes it is simply about hiring someone who is not you. You obviously have lots of experienced and are a well respected voice in your field. What you need is for someone else to look at what you have to offer, why you want to offer it and put that all down on the page for you.

    Good luck!
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    I put words on the Internet.
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  • Profile picture of the author AwesomePossum
    How bout this for your headline?

    "Are you a small business owner looking to explode your ideas into success?"

    All I'm doing is getting rid of the fluff and replacing it with exciting concepts that connect to your customer(notice how I said customer not customers)...it's a powerful technique.

    That'll be $300 :p

    Sooo kidding bu if your looking for a copywriter though....I can do it cheaply. I don't have much experience but I'm a gifted individual.

    The reason I'm looking to do yours is simple: You connect with small businesses and make them strive. That's something I'd like to be a part of

    Aaryn
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  • Profile picture of the author NetWorth
    People don't read sites they skim. If you don't give them a reason to think that your site has the info they want in the first 3 seconds they are out of there. Your Title has to grab their attention and make them want to read more.

    Hope it helps,
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