Trash My Writing Please!

Your header is WAY too big and it's taking up valuable space you should be using to make your case. Also, your headline isn't really a headline at all, it's a vague statement. I didn't go much past the top of the page.

In my experience, and I do have experience in this niche, the best way to sell stop smoking stuff is with fear and shame. Create a headline brimming with both. Then interweave the solution throughout the page but never stop pounding them with fear and shame.

Stuff like, if you keep this yucky habit up it's likely your kids will be without (mom or dad) then fill in the latest stats on the shorter lives of smokers. Then do some math for them and show how much they waste on smoking. Maybe that money could go for a college tuition or two. Maybe they could buy a private plane with the cost of smokes these days. Pour it on heavy. I understand that your product is about clearing the lungs but everything else is directly related so make good use of it.

The nasty black lung pic is good but don't stop there. Get pics of wretched smokers showing their leathery withered skin. Fill the page with stats about heart disease, stroke, cancer and all the rest. Talk about how awful it is to kiss a smoker. But do it tastefully.

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***

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You Will Never
Want To Light Up Again!

I don't really have any advice regarding the copy, but I did notice a few things, one of which was your ridiculously big header.

Another was your lack of social proof. Get some testimonials...video if you can. I also noticed that you have what I assume to be BS scarcity (i.e. price will rise after the next 60 sales). If you're going to employ scarcity, make sure it's real.

As a non-copywriter, my best copywriting advice for you in this case would be to hire someone to write you a new one. I may not be able to write copy, but it is evident to me that your copy isn't strong enough.

Curtis

P.S. That is one nasty lung.

Mark, just quickly. This is a drive by.

Your Header is way too big - as others have already said. Ridiculously big. You need a good Benefit-laden headline.

Great before and after shots. Make them the hero.

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- load the UBB with SFX of someone hacking their lungs out.

Hey guys,

Thanks for all the feedback!

I have no idea how much it would be to hire a professional copywriter and to be honest I would like to get better at it so I am going to try to rewrite this myself (at least til this site starts making a bit more money i can reinvest).

Good point about the header and thank you for all your advice I can see a pattern of urgency and stark realities that need to be put forward too strongly.

I think I had an aversion to being too negative when I first wrote it as we want people to feel empowered and nto just scared to death but fear is a more powerful driver i guess!

Generally scare tactics don't work in advertising but in the case of lung cancer from cigarette smoking its been proved otherwise. "Survey evidence from ex-smokers has repeatedly affirmed that personalised concern about "scary" health consequences is the primary motivation ascribed to smoking cessation." - Tobacco Control.

This Australian campaign has been so effective it's been exported around the world - including the U.S. - quitnow - Welcome to the Quitnow Website