9 {{ upvoteCount | shortNum }}
9 {{ upvoteCount | shortNum }}

Review this copy and...

by gnotte
7 replies
Hi!

Thanks for coming by. I knew that the periods in the headline would get your attention :-)

I'm looking for ideas on how to improve the following editorial-style copy:

http://www.fear-control.com/index2.html

I'm in the process of split testing 6 different headlines (you can see only one of them on the page) but the results aren't as promising as I thought they would be. Some key piece is still missing.

According to my stats, over 50% of my visitors are staying for more than 10 secs and over 30% of visitors are staying for more than 1 minute on the page, but sales aren't coming in yet.

Any help is greatly appreciated!

Thanks in advance.
#copy #review
  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    The headline isn't even close to being a headline. I don't know what it is. The copy is vague and lacks punch. The quiz questions are poorly written. The page spells amature hour. It's no wonder people are leaving so fast. This page is a yawn fest.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1887346].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author gnotte
      Hello travlinguy,

      Thanks for the critique, but it's not taking me further - maybe you could explain in a little bit more detail?

      I've read a lot about copywriting but I guess you only learn by your own mistakes.

      With this page, I intended to write editorial copy - that is a sales page disguised as an "article" which leads you down the purchase path.

      What do you consider good copy in this niche? Any examples?

      Anyway, let's say I found a working headline. How would you change the quiz questions to make them more interesting? They're all about getting the reader into a state and reminding them of how much fear is controlling their love life...

      Why do you say the page smells amatour hour? Is it the content, or the design etc.?

      You say you're yawning, but what parts do you find boring?

      Over 30% of visitors are staying for more than 1 minute on the page, is that a wrong ratio? What should that be?

      Here are some of the headlines I'm testing now. Do you think any of them is better?


      Do You Have What I Call "Being A Pussy Around Women"?

      Give Me 10 Minutes And I'll Show You How To Make Your Worst Fears Of Women Disappear Forever - So You Can Be a Natural, Confident Guy And Easily Get The Girls You're After

      Who Else Wants To Become Fearless About Approaching, Talking To And Dating Hot Women?

      Here Is How To "Brainwash Yourself" To Get Rid Of Your Anxieties And Fears Of Women And Become A Naturally Confident Guy!
      Thanks!

      How To Make Your Worst Fears Of Women Disappear...
      Gain High Self-Confidence...
      Meet And Date The Kind Of Women You're After...
      ..Using A Simple But Secret Technique Kept Under The Wraps For Thousands Of Years!


      Thanks!
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1890639].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Three periods is known as an ellipsis...

    From Wikipedia -
    Ellipsis (plural ellipses; from the Greek: ἔλλειψις, élleipsis, "omission") is a mark or series of marks that usually indicate an intentional omission of a word or a phrase from the original text. An ellipsis can also be used to indicate a pause in speech, an unfinished thought, or, at the end of a sentence, a trailing off into silence (aposiopesis) (apostrophe and elipsis mixed). The ellipsis calls for a slight pause in speech.
    The most common form of an ellipsis is a row of three periods or full stops (...) or pre-composed triple-dot glyph (...). The usage of the em dash (--) can overlap the usage of ellipsis.
    The triple-dot punctuation mark is also called a suspension point, points of ellipsis, periods of ellipsis, or colloquially, dot-dot-dot.
    The page isn't bad. Makes a change from the usual Clickbank-style hard-sell crap. But the photos look they came from a Stock Photo site. And if you're writing in the first person we need to see your face at the top left and then establish some credibility. The old "my friend showed me a technique" is pretty lame. That's where you lose me. If you told me some wild tale with heaps of details I may believe you. But this just has me going "yeah - right".

    There are a million others doing the same thing. You need to do something different - use video clips of a night out showing you chatting up girls. Show you taking girls home. All that. Link out to facebook. I dunno. Something. But my colleague above is right - this page needs some Viagra. Nice try. Have another go. Have some fun with it. Get yourself a Copydoodles and draw stuff (arrows, asterisks, smilies) on the page. Or chuck a grand my way and I'll do it.

    And it's spelled "amateur" .
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1890736].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Moolah_Copywriting
    I agree with Metronicity, this letter has a lot going for it.

    The problem you're having is that you are trying to be too undercover with your editorial style. You need to come straight out with what you are saying. Hit me straight between the eyes with the benefit. The editorial pop-quiz is just making me work too hard to get to the meat of the salesletter.

    Also, the headline talks at the reader instead of TO Them. I suspect you used the third person to sound more "editorial" but you just lost the reader in the process.

    In the seduction category you really can't sell from you heels as Carlton would put it. It seems that you are afraid to sell. You can pull it off without sounding like a used car salesman. Just stack claim with real proof from the opening to the offer. It will take some research and deep digging on your part but it definitely can be done.

    I would take a look at David DeAngelo's (Eban Pagen) - Double Your Dating - to get some solid pointers and swipe material.

    Stan
    Signature
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1890799].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Kevin Rogers
      Hi Gnotte,

      You've received enough solid advice from Stan an the rest to keep you busy for a while rewriting this thing... but to be clear: No, this is not written in an "editorial" style.

      Not even close.

      And I think that may be screwing you up. Because in your mind you think you're hiding behind an "article", but it's written first person as a direct response sales letter. So the reader can see you behind the curtain. Naked.

      In fact, there's no curtain at all. Just you standing there naked in front of strangers you think can't see you.

      My advice: Forget "editorial style" for this letter.

      Wipe it out of your head.

      Bad advertorials end up looking like flogs. Good ones take years of study and months to write. (Sorry, but if you're unfamiliar with "ellipsis", then you probably haven't put in your time as a writer yet to pull it off.)

      It's like this...

      You either have a sincere story to tell, or you don't.

      If you don't and you just chose this niche because you heard it's lucrative (and hey, you love getting laid, too!), then you're in for a long slog against some VERY good (and well funded) marketers.

      If you do understand the pain men in this market feel and have created a solution PROVEN to fix the problem for you and others, then stepping out center stage should be no problem for you.

      Just quit wondering which gimmicks will work best (like quizzes) and tell your story. The engineer angle is a good hook. PUA practitioners live for technique. Show them something they haven't heard of before -- give it an interesting name -- and they might listen.

      Right now though you're tap dancing. Naked. With the curtain open.

      Hope that helps.

      Kevin
      Signature

      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1895994].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Bill Jeffels
    Here's one that might work for you... feel free to try it out.

    " Discover The Secret Techniques You Need
    To Seduce Any Woman You Want "

    Here's how to attract any women even
    if you've failed before




    Good luck with your site, it's nice to see someone testing so much.



    - Bill Jeffels
    Signature
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1898435].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author copyassassin
    How about:

    Discover 7 Panty Dropping Methods Guaranteed!
    To Score The Hottest Women, 24/7/365
    Consistently, Effortlessly, & Ethically

    or if the main issues is confidence

    With 7 Proven Panty-Dropping Methods You'll Now
    Score at Will with the Hottest Women 24/7/365!
    It's Your Turn! Here's How...
    Signature

    The Most Bad-Ass Tax Reduction Strategist for Internet Marketers who HATE paying taxes. See my happy clients

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1898586].message }}

Trending Topics