Sales Page Review Request

Hey - I only read the top of the page but I think you have some great copy here.

I'd just change "learns" to "discovers" in the headline. Looks a bit more intriguing that way I think ;-)

Best of luck,
David

I agree with David. You might also consider changing the header background, since the book cover is the same color it blends in and hides... I would suggest maybe a light blue?

Good call on the color change.

Just realized that the target market for this is women - so I think it'd help to have colors that appeal to women. As of now there are lots of masculine colors like black and dark gray - maybe throw some softer, more feminine colors on there too.

:-)

dtendrich - "learns" was bothersome - I agree on "discover" - so thanks for the suggestion.

The color suggestions by Exception are good - I will have to figure out how to make the changes - I really don't know html & CSS - I used a free template and mucked around with this. I may have to take the book out of the header altogether because the Zap part has a black background. Ok, I know this is the copywriting forum, not design forum - so I'll jstop here and just say thanks for the suggestions.

Hi,

Just had a quick look through and here's some thoughts:

It's very anonymous - It'd be nice to have your picture and name. And I'd bring your story closer to the top of the page, get it out of the box and not have it all bold.

You need to finish the page stronger, it's fairly standard to sign off with a signature and a PS section. Most readers will check your headline then immediately scroll down to see how much. A strong PS can convince them to read the rest of your page.

Test your price hide.

Your first subhead'll be stronger if you switch the word order 'constantly feeling hungry'. Always aim to use your most powerful words first.

You're not appealing to the real reason why people buy weight loss products. It's not because they want to lose weight it's because of how they FEEL. You're selling features but not benefits.

What's actually in the book, other than the two superfoods?

Hope some of this helps.

IMO its a bit to vague. I like how jukeboxhero re did the headline thats a bit more specific. When I read the current headline, the first thing that pops into my mind is " so what?, I don't care"

And the sub headline " You can control your appetite naturally"? It confuses me because I though all appetite control was natural even some of the supplements are natural. I thought I was controlling my appetite. That might be a teaching point for the copy.

Maybe I'm hyper analytical, but some of the questions seem weird to me. Do people really dread feeling hungry and who is product for? Its assumed that other overweight people want to do what this person or I guess you did. But its not clear. It could be interpreted that she learned these secrets from a mystical dietitian.

You say, "Do you do really well for a time, only to binge later?" personally, I don't know what binge means and do I do well with what for a short time? I'm guessing weight loss. Its not specific. Same with " Do you find yourself giving in when eating with friends or family?" How specifically? Are you talking, cake or carbs or soda, or just pigging out I don't know. I only can guess.

I would argue pregnancy because I could have sworn you were suppose to gain weight during pregnancy. But it might be a catch, which could be another teaching point in the copy.

When I get to the body, you start talking about the actually subject which is superfoods. I would probably put that somewhere near the top. Like in the headline.

You say: "because I had the same obstacles most have - lethargy, addicted to sugar, stress, and emotional eating." To me, this like reads that you are addicted to sugar and stress and emotional eating.


Hope this helps a bit.

^^ yep you are right, never battled weight, so I can only guess based on what I read. Also, your reply sounds like compelling copy to me:

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No need to read this if you've never"battled" your weight. I know when I was younger I could just go for hours and not even think about eating.

If you were like me, when you're trying to lose weight...food is ALL you can think about. Its' easy to maintain control during the day, but by the time you hit the fridge in the evening your resolve is gone and you binge, i.e. eat too much...etc...

{some pregnacy info} if you watch TV, that reality star Kendra is going through this right now - dropping the weight gained doing pregnancy can be very difficult.

{suger copy} As for sugar, yes I used to LIVE on Mountain Dew. Sugar and the other things listed are various causes of weight gain.

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You might want to put some of that reply in the copy, it gives it a personal touch, it appears I hit some hot buttons lol.