Which of 7 Headlines is best please?

23 replies
Hi,
I'm moving from General copywriting in Elance/RentACoder to a niche:
a) Financial Advisories, Investment & Trading Newsletters
b) Stock & Commodity Brokers & FX Dealers
c) Trading Software & Platforms.

Which of these SEVEN headlines/strategies based on proven sellers should I start with please?

REMEMBER:- the buyers can be commercial & corporate managers OR owners. They are NOT consumers so B2B copy writing principles apply.

1) "When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Get Going" [Joseph P Kennedy]
- reminds then emotionalises how tough Financial industry is ... need to market aggressively in these times ... why I'm the answer etc.

2) Why Most Trading and Investment Sales Writing Doesn't Work!
- says why ... then present me as answer etc.

3) The Crimes We Commit Against Our Websites!
- gives copy writing mistakes ... presents me as answer.

4) Secret Confessions of A Man With An Uncontrollable Compulsion To Quadruple the Financial Bottom Line of Businesses.
- I was written up in Jay Abraham's "502 Incredible Case Studies" for quadrupling a client's incoming leads etc.
- shows my track record & results of sales copy.

5) How To Overcome That Sick Feeling In Your Stomach Every Time You Lose A Major Account.
- Identify with sick feeling & loss,
- answer is to build business many methods - Jay Abraham's Parthenon etc
- I can do that etc.

6) (My present general Elance/RAC resume site: Home Page of Bill Oliver - Sales Writer/ Marketing Coach)
Just Supposing You Had A Marketing Machine - Every Time You Dropped A $1 Coin In The Slot, It Spat Out A $5 Note!
I have a question for you. How often would you drop a $1 coin in the slot?
- let me build your marketing machine etc.

7) How a Desperate Trader From Malaysia Who Buys Everything With "Trading" In It Can Write You Copy That Is Irresistible To Your Target Market"

Which do other copywriters & marketers think is best fit.
IF YOU'VE BEEN SUCCESSFUL WITH THE SAME TARGET MARKET, PLEASE LET ME KNOW!

Thanks you ever so in anticipation.

Bill Oliver
#fit #headlines #masters #pls
  • Profile picture of the author colmodwyer
    I am a trader, investor and have B.Bus (Banking & Finance).
    It would seem to me that's your hook...

    YOU are the market!

    So Instead of talking about all the Dan Kennedy and Jay Abraham books you've read (Yawnfest 2010), maybe start by telling me all about the financial newsletters you subscribe to.

    And the sales letters that have sold you and your friends, and that ONE BIG SECRET that gets you to part with your cash every time, and how you now harness that secret in your own financial copy for explosive results etc...

    Swing that right and it could be darn compelling.

    Colm
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    • Profile picture of the author BillOliver
      Although the proposed copy goes into my credentials & experience
      of course, why didn't I think of using that as a HEADLINE?
      [Is there an emoticon for kicking myself? selfkick! selfkick! selfkick!]

      How a Desperate Trader from Malaysia Who Has Devoured Everything With The Word "Trading" In It Can Write You Sales Copy That Traders Will Find Irresistible ...... etc?

      Right now I'm working through how I would turn that into benefit to owners/managers or marketing arms of of trading/investment newsletters, trading software & platforms and brokers/dealers.

      Thank you. I'll work on it.
      I look forward to other feedback - though I may re-post with a different Warrior Title.

      Bill
      Signature
      Bill Oliver (B.Bus. Banking & Finance, Computing)
      Sales Writer/Marketing Coach, Resume: www.billoliver.net
      NICHES: Financial Sector, Sales & Services, Brick & Mortar SMEs.
      btw I'm an Australian living in Malaysia & a 1978 Fiat X1/9 owner.
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      • Profile picture of the author ghyphena
        Disclaimer: I don't specialise in B2B. But I do hate hype.

        Originally Posted by BillOliver View Post


        1) "When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Get Going" [Joseph P Kennedy]
        - reminds then emotionalises how tough Financial industry is ... need to market aggressively in these times ... why I'm the answer etc.
        No, for me. It's got no benefit and no curiosity factor. It's a cliche and I would question whether it really does pack any emotional wallop.


        2) Why Most Trading and Investment Sales Writing Doesn't Work!
        - says why ... then present me as answer etc.
        I like this one. It's simple, makes subtle use of fear, makes a presupposition, implies a benefit... and does it all in a very underplayed non-hypey way. I like.

        Would be even better if you could go on to prove the presupposition true.


        3) The Crimes We Commit Against Our Websites!
        - gives copy writing mistakes ... presents me as answer.
        Cute idea, we're committing crimes against our websites... but I don't think this headline works. First of all, the exclamation point needs to go. If you're desperately in love with the idea of using the crimes concept, I'd try to fit it into another headline. I think this one, overall, is weak.


        4) Secret Confessions of A Man With An Uncontrollable Compulsion To Quadruple the Financial Bottom Line of Businesses.
        - I was written up in Jay Abraham's "502 Incredible Case Studies" for quadrupling a client's incoming leads etc.
        - shows my track record & results of sales copy.
        I thought this was B2B: "Secret confessions" is already a phrase you should be using with caution if you don't want to sound hypey... and "uncontrollable compulsion to quadruple the financial bottom line of buisnesses"??? I don't buy it for a second.

        On top of that, it's wordy.


        5) How To Overcome That Sick Feeling In Your Stomach Every Time You Lose A Major Account.
        - Identify with sick feeling & loss,
        - answer is to build business many methods - Jay Abraham's Parthenon etc
        - I can do that etc.
        I like this one very much. It reads well, it's not hypey, it promises a benefit... and you hit the emotional connection that you're missing in headline #1.

        I can identify with that sick feeling. If I see that headline, I'm going to read on.


        6) (My present general Elance/RAC resume site: Home Page of Bill Oliver - Sales Writer/ Marketing Coach)
        Just Supposing You Had A Marketing Machine - Every Time You Dropped A $1 Coin In The Slot, It Spat Out A $5 Note!
        I have a question for you. How often would you drop a $1 coin in the slot?
        - let me build your marketing machine etc.
        Doesn't read super-well: it could be cleaned up a little. But my main problem is that it doesn't seem, to me, very professional.

        Let me put it this way: if I were sending out a direct mail package to rabid US-based biz-opp buyers who had already spent money with me on multiple occasions, I would maybe consider using a "money machine" concept for a headline. Maybe I'd consider it.

        I don't know if it's the over-simplified metaphor... or the patronising tone... or the hyped-up feel... or the energetic-nodding leading question at the end... I don't like it one bit.

        But that's just me.


        7) How a Desperate Trader From Malaysia Who Buys Everything With "Trading" In It Can Write You Copy That Is Irresistible To Your Target Market"
        Three problems:

        It's wordy, for one thing. It's clumsy and it doesn't read well.

        Second, people are going to assume that you are actually Malaysian. Without trying too hard to sound obscenely politically incorrect, I might muse that Malaysia doesn't tend to be well-known for its financial or direct marketing prowess. (Unless you put up a picture of the Petronas Towers: that might make it a little better.) Australia probably has a better aura in that respect.

        Third, your hook, "being from Malaysia", is just a weak hook.

        Instead of just repeating stuff I've already written, I vainly suggest you take a look at my posts here

        http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...good-hook.html

        and here

        http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...s-product.html

        where I offered advice on similar subjects.

        Overall, Bill, if you want to take one of these "as is", I think #5 or #2 are your best bets.

        Good luck

        Gil-Ad
        Signature

        Gil-Ad Schwartz

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        • Profile picture of the author BillOliver
          Gil - quite right.
          I'm actually Australian.
          I also agree that for B2B, a more laid back approach may be better.
          "The Money Machine" worked well for small biz wanting stuff on Elance but I am now looking at corporates.

          No, I'm desperately in love with being successful in the niche I'm choosing!
          5) Sick Feeling is definitely worth testing.
          2) Why most sales writing doesn't work! worth testing
          7) Change to "Desperate Trader from Sunshine Coast, Australia ..." Shorten?
          Probably reject:
          1) 'tough' even though it leads into current news.
          3) 'crimes' maybe like a news article:
          Trading & Investment Executives Commit Crimes Against Their Websites.
          - bordering on taking chance with humour.
          4) 'uncontrollable compulsion' - over the top for B2B
          6) "Money Machine" - loved by small business - a bit hypey for Finance Professionals?

          I REALLY appreciate you people getting stuck into my copy.
          I'm learning heaps here!

          Bill
          "Desperate Trader From Sunshine Coast, Australia"?
          Signature
          Bill Oliver (B.Bus. Banking & Finance, Computing)
          Sales Writer/Marketing Coach, Resume: www.billoliver.net
          NICHES: Financial Sector, Sales & Services, Brick & Mortar SMEs.
          btw I'm an Australian living in Malaysia & a 1978 Fiat X1/9 owner.
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      • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
        Banned
        Originally Posted by BillOliver View Post

        Although the proposed copy goes into my credentials & experience
        Originally Posted by BillOliver View Post

        of course, why didn't I think of using that as a HEADLINE?
        [Is there an emoticon for kicking myself? selfkick! selfkick! selfkick!]

        How a Desperate Trader from Malaysia Who Has Devoured Everything With The Word "Trading" In It Can Write You Sales Copy That Traders Will Find Irresistible ...... etc?

        Right now I'm working through how I would turn that into benefit to owners/managers or marketing arms of of trading/investment newsletters, trading software & platforms and brokers/dealers.

        Thank you. I'll work on it.
        I look forward to other feedback - though I may re-post with a different Warrior Title.

        Bill
        Riff on the "D" dude -

        "How a Desperate Trader From Downunder
        Does the Dirty on Derivatives"


        Lose the "Malaysia" reference. Nobody cares about that.
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  • Profile picture of the author fasteasysuccess
    I've done copywriting, seo, and marketing consulting in this niche off and on and been succesful. I like where you're going with your headlines but think need more benefit driven especially for this competitive niche.

    One quick tip-It's great that you are talking about kennedy's and other methods you use however I would suggest moving down if you're going to use that and move up on your page your proven results.

    Even though every entrepreneur and business owner should know all the great marketing and copy guys you mentioned, a lot of them don't.

    They might of heard the names if that, but a lot of them don't follow that.

    So stress the benefits for them with your techniques if you want. Straight mentioning people with the techniques like you did on your page I feel is not going to do you any good but use some space you could of put more benefits or proof in.
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    • Profile picture of the author BillOliver
      Thanks - just a point. My "Marketing Machine" site was* an alternative to the Elance & RAC Profiles. On Elance there was a steady stream of people looking for "Dan Kennedy" or "Jay Abraham" style copywriters ... so I obliged!

      *was! - I'm already talking as an ex-Elancer when I haven't even launched my Investing/Trading house niche website yet!

      After writing & discarding MANY headlines from swipe files, looks like I'll be running with a 'nerd from Ohio' variation! ... What's embarrassing is that I totally overlooked the 'nerd from Ohio' not thinking for a minute I could use a variation! BIG THANKS PPL!

      Bill Oliver
      "Desperate Trader from Malaysia"
      Signature
      Bill Oliver (B.Bus. Banking & Finance, Computing)
      Sales Writer/Marketing Coach, Resume: www.billoliver.net
      NICHES: Financial Sector, Sales & Services, Brick & Mortar SMEs.
      btw I'm an Australian living in Malaysia & a 1978 Fiat X1/9 owner.
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  • Profile picture of the author M_Jones
    I vote #7... it seems to flow the best.
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  • Profile picture of the author yachi
    #5 (How To Overcome That Sick Feeling In Your Stomach Every Time You Lose A Major Account)

    This one is good...!!
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    • Profile picture of the author SuzanneR
      I'm leaning towards # 5 too. But I have this question: Is your market losing accounts due to bad copy/promo?

      If so, how? Maybe you need to dig a little deeper for the connector there...
      Signature

      ~Suzanne Ryan


      If you want professional pre-written email copy that sells affiliate products better and faster than canned autoresponders...then click here.

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    • Profile picture of the author eQuus
      Originally Posted by yachi View Post

      #5 (How To Overcome That Sick Feeling In Your Stomach Every Time You Lose A Major Account)
      This one is good...!!
      This just tells me that you can continue to lose major accounts without getting sick over them.
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  • Profile picture of the author tyroneshum
    I would vote for the 5th spot as well because it "hangs" something interesting in its subject that'll might anticipate a great read.
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  • Profile picture of the author prettyboy
    I really didn't see one that just jumped out at me...but then again I'm not in that market, so it's really better to ask those that are in the market. But from a copywriting standpoint....the rule of thumb is to present the benefits and I really don't see your headlines presenting many benefits to the reader. Try doing that.
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    • Profile picture of the author jandmich
      #5 its home more IMO...evokes more emotion. Everybody has had that sick feeling at one time or another so they can probably relate to it very well.
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  • Profile picture of the author Afro
    I will go for no3 3) The Crimes We Commit Against Our Websites!
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    • Profile picture of the author jukeboxhero
      I've got one to ad to the mix... Use this then subtely tie yourself in with the fact that they change there ads...


      "What Fortune 500 Companies Do When Sales Plummet?"


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      If Copywriting Legends Like John Carlton, Gary Halbert and Even Franky Kern Recommend

      >>>> This <<<<

      Shouldn't You Pay Attention
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  • Profile picture of the author RickyJ
    I vote for the 7th one
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  • Profile picture of the author novintabligh
    I will go for 5th one:
    How To Overcome That Sick Feeling In Your Stomach Every Time You Lose A Major Account.
    - Identify with sick feeling & loss,
    - answer is to build business many methods - Jay Abraham's Parthenon etc
    - I can do that etc.
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  • Profile picture of the author digital_girl
    My vote : 5th one.
    5) How To Overcome That Sick Feeling In Your Stomach Every Time You Lose A Major Account.
    - Identify with sick feeling & loss,
    - answer is to build business many methods - Jay Abraham's Parthenon etc
    - I can do that etc.
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  • Profile picture of the author aladamapee
    I am not as senior & old investment & trading expert but on behalf of my couple of years study in this field reveal me that, your 2nd point is more valid & solid & reason is that mostly these writings are in technical terms so it fails to address common man.
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