Critique/butcher my sales page (can't sleep/insomnia Niche)

Hi cdmiller87,

First let me tell you what's right your page:

The graphic is wonderful.

I think you've nailed all the benefits. But they could be emphasized even more.

I think your writing is clear.

Now on to the things I'd improve:

Maybe it's me, but the red background is probably a turnoff and detracts from people reading the page. You may want to make the text stand out and one of the ways to use something subtle as the back ground..

I'd also add video.

Next I'd rework the prehead, headline and subheads. Yes, you did nail the benefits, and educate the reader, but something else is also needed. Maybe someone has some ideas for that.

But I think it needs an element of curiousity. And a deeper level of personalness. And getting the person to feel really the emotion of frustration of not being able to sleep. Maybe a story, or maybe strong hook or premise. And then weave your benefits into that.

Now there are multiple ways you can do that.

Now you could say something like:

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Dear Friend,

Like you, at one point in my life, I couldn't get to sleep at night. I thought I tried everything, but nothing seemed to work.

I'll tell you, lack of sleep was costing me big time. It was costing me my marriage, my job, my success.

I was getting rather depressed. And even angry at myself for such a simple thing.

But with the bad economy and all, my mind just kept racing at night... spinning... looping, over the same concerns and problems. How was I going to pay the bills... what my boss thought of me at work... how to make more money... me and my wife's challenges...

I'd like tell it was a nightmare, but you'd have to be able to sleep to have a nightmare and I wasn't.

So I decided to see my doctor Laurie and she prescribed some drugs. Sleep aids. You know the ones. The ones you see on television. They sound so seductive, don't they? Little butterflies, cute cartoons, ladies sleeping in their pajamas...

I'd get jealous after watching those commercials, especially the ones where the ladies where sleeping soundly and then waking up the next morning with the sun streaming through their bedroom window, birds chirping outside. Them getting out of bed, stretching, looking forward to starting their day.

But oh my gosh! They made matters even worse. Now while I WAS sleeping... actually I can't say that, because the drugs put you into a weird "almost half sleep." But what the drugs really did was turn me into a near zombie while I was awake.

Not to mention they are habit forming. (I don't care what they tell you.) And we know where that leads.

Now unfortunately, my career was really starting to suffer because I was in a constant state of brain fog. I was about to get fired for some rather obvious whoppers of mistakes I was making and missing meetings. And if I gotten fired I would have been really up a creek.

So I stopped, cold turkey.

I went on to try a few glasses of red wine every night before bed and that worked for a while but then I was up to a bottle of wine every night before I'd go to bed and I KNEW that wasn't good for me either.

Plus I learned wine hangovers are no fun.

So I'll tell you what I did. I'm no doctor or clinical scientist or anything of the sort (actually I'm an inventory clerk), but I decided to became my own little "sleep experiment."

I began a project.

I began to research all the different ways people fall asleep easily and without crutches like drugs and I tried them on myself. As a bit of a fun exercise to get my mind off my problems at night, I told myself that when I couldn't fall to sleep at night, I would work on this project.

And I did. I would do the research and then I would try things out on myself. Give or take, it took me about 4 months.

I'd like to share you these strategies, tips and ideas, and I'd like to share with you THE ONE that worked for me, but what I have discovered is something fascinating.

A sleep strategy that works for one person doesn't necessary work for someone else. So I'd rather share with you the various strategies I learned and documented and then you can decide for yourself which ones to try and which would work for you.

I'll tell you this though:

Other people have gotten my product (which is a compilation of all my late night/early morning research), and they'd tell me their sleep challenges and worries are over. You can look at a few of their comments below.

It gratifies me to know the frustration and pain are over for them as well.

Now I must tell you I am charging for this information. It's $49.95. It's not a lot at all, but I do have my family's credit card bills to pay and this is one of the ways I am going to solve that problem. I'm never going to get rich at this price, but you'd be contributing to me and I'd be contributing to you the best I have learned about getting some sleep.

But I can guarantee you the price is a fair price. And just to reassure, if you aren't getting a consistently restful night's sleep after two months, just contact me and I will refund your money 100%. I am a man of my word.

And also regarding the price, let me ask you a question: At this point in your life or career or marriage, what would you pay to get a good night's sleep? How about a week's worth? Or a month's worth?

I'll tell this: I am off the drugs and wine. I'm clear headed during the day, and at my job, while I haven't gotten a raise, I think my boss is eyeing me for a promotion.

So I know I'm back. I see it in the quality of my relationships. I'm clearheaded and I am back on my game 100%.

All because I learned again how to sleep like a baby. And I want you to have the same experience I did and that my other customers now have.

Regardless of whether you buy my product from me, I really do hope you learn how to get a good night's sleep. There's no better feeling in the world than waking up refreshed and rejuvenated, ready to start a new day.

You can get my product right now by clicking the link below:

[url]

As soon as tonight, you can start trying out a few of the ideas I learned.

Restfully yours,

- Rube

PS: I'll do one other thing for you. If you buy my product today, you can email me anytime if you're still struggling getting to sleep at night and I'll respond. I've become a bit of an expert on the subject, I enjoy helping people and you're free to contact me by email.

Now please understand, I have a real job and I work 1st shift at the plant. So give me a couple of days to respond, ok?

Here's the link again: [url]

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Now, let me just say I did this only as an example. None of this is probably true from a story perspective, but easily could be. But I hope I got the point across. And forgive whatever typos or phrasing. I only spent about a hour on this.

- Rick Duris


PS: When I can't sleep, I write copy. It's 3:25 AM here. Back to bed.