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Can someone critique my hook and closer?

by Daniel Brock
20 replies
Fellow Warriors and copywriters,

I was wondering if you could give me a few minutes of your time to critique my new sales letter for a product that is in the affiliate marketing niche - particularly promoting physical products on Amazon.

Dan Brock's Profitzon - Amazon Affiliate Marketing Revealed

I need a critique of the hook(first few windows of the sales letter - up until the search engine traffic screen shot), as well as the closer for the sales letter.

Does the hook pull you in enough to keep you reading further, or is it too cluttered?

I feel like those are my two are the weakest parts of my letter(and also the most important), so please tear it apart.

Particularly, does it convey the message that this is an affiliate marketing course that teaches physical product affiliate marketing.

Any suggestions, problems, ideas, feel free to tell me. Eyes and ears are open!

Thank you for reading/reviewing!
Dan Brock
#closer #critique #hook
  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Brock
    Ken,

    Thank you

    I know exactly what you mean on all of those points.

    I will definitely try and get rid of the yellow marker and cut back on the graphics as much as possible.

    I wanted my letter to stand out, so I figured graphics would help. But I definitely agree with you that it is just too much to take in.

    I'll improve it.

    Thanks man!

    Anyone else, feel free to keep the critiques coming
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Sigh...why do you guys insist on using those drop-shadow fonts? They're an absolute ******* to read. That page is very hard on the eyes. Way too cluttered. And yellow marker just screams "Lost in the Eighties" - one or two highlights OK (not puke yellow) - but how many you got there? Nine or more? Nobody is going to read all that stuff. And it justs reads like a million other BS stories out there - the old "I was a frustrated blogger...about to give up...until I stumbled on this amazing system". Yawn.

    This para is very telling -
    How can you make any money in anything, if there are a million other affiliates doing the same exact thing as you?
    You are following, instead of leading.
    So I took a step back...
    I realized that the only way to be successful at affiliate marketing, was to do what no one else was talking about, and to go where no one else had gone.
    Despite all the popular and 'must have' methods people were praising, I decided to try some things out on my own.
    So why are you dishing up a trite wannabe salespage huh? Maybe you should be looking at making a video instead? Or hand-draw the thing - have some fun with it. But this just says "scam"..."desperate" and plain "BS".

    FIND YOUR VOICE. Not everybody online is a complete moron. And we're getting smarter and smarter and more selective in what we read. I figure you'd have people clicking off this horror-show in two seconds flat - "One mississippi...two mississippi" - hasta la vista.
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    • Profile picture of the author Daniel Sanchez
      Originally Posted by Metronicity View Post

      Sigh...why do you guys insist on using those drop-shadow fonts? They're an absolute ******* to read. That page is very hard on the eyes. Way too cluttered. And yellow marker just screams "Lost in the Eighties" - one or two highlights OK (not puke yellow) - but how many you got there? Nine or more? Nobody is going to read all that stuff. And it justs reads like a million other BS stories out there - the old "I was a frustrated blogger...about to give up...until I stumbled on this amazing system". Yawn.

      This para is very telling -
      So why are you dishing up a trite wannabe salespage huh? Maybe you should be looking at making a video instead? Or hand-draw the thing - have some fun with it. But this just says "scam"..."desperate" and plain "BS".

      FIND YOUR VOICE. Not everybody online is a complete moron. And we're getting smarter and smarter and more selective in what we read. I figure you'd have people clicking off this horror-show in two seconds flat - "One mississippi...two mississippi" - hasta la vista.
      I agree with the screaming scam part.

      The pre-headling is way WAY too busy. Shorten it.

      The headline is weak imo.

      and those bullets. What's with the bullets about what I'm going to read. You haven't passed the what is this and why should I care and trust you stage yet. I could read those bullets and my mind isn't going to register any of it because who the heck are you and why are you wasting my time hasn't been answered yet and before you do that you haven't really grabbed my attention completely yet (your headline isn't incredibly terrible. In fact the format in another niche would work better but this is IM and the promise of dollars...we've seen it all before.)

      I think a video might work for you better or at least split test or add one in. I agree with the point that it looks too much like your page it trying to look like someone else's sales page.

      You look like you have a possible good product and some strong claims but it's all over the place.

      News flash: IM marketing the real people who buy are insanely sceptical.
      Needs to almost look less like a sales page if that makes sense.

      Needs a re-write. Too much stuff, too many bullets. Need to write from the customer's perspective entirely.

      ps - the drop shadow font really is hard to read man. Maybe keep the headline that way because it's easier in black but ditch the rest of it.
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      • Profile picture of the author Daniel Brock
        Originally Posted by Danniboy View Post

        I agree with the screaming scam part.

        The pre-headling is way WAY too busy. Shorten it.

        The headline is weak imo.

        and those bullets. What's with the bullets about what I'm going to read. You haven't passed the what is this and why should I care and trust you stage yet. I could read those bullets and my mind isn't going to register any of it because who the heck are you and why are you wasting my time hasn't been answered yet and before you do that you haven't really grabbed my attention completely yet (your headline isn't incredibly terrible. In fact the format in another niche would work better but this is IM and the promise of dollars...we've seen it all before.)

        I think a video might work for you better or at least split test or add one in. I agree with the point that it looks too much like your page it trying to look like someone else's sales page.

        You look like you have a possible good product and some strong claims but it's all over the place.

        News flash: IM marketing the real people who buy are insanely sceptical.
        Needs to almost look less like a sales page if that makes sense.

        Needs a re-write. Too much stuff, too many bullets. Need to write from the customer's perspective entirely.

        ps - the drop shadow font really is hard to read man. Maybe keep the headline that way because it's easier in black but ditch the rest of it.
        Thank you sir!

        Can you clarify what you mean by this:

        What's with the bullets about what I'm going to read. You haven't passed the what is this and why should I care and trust you stage yet.

        Aren't the bullet points answering the what and the why?

        Thanks for the suggestions - I got a big list of things I'm going to test.

        I appreciate it
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        • Profile picture of the author Daniel Sanchez
          Alright, 1st off one of the main focuses of copywriting is making something look easy to read so keep that in mind. If it looks to difficult I'll want ot close the page and ignore it because it looks like work.

          This isn't a sales letter so I'm not going to follow those rules. This is a forum so I really couldn;t care less. You want info, work for it and read the long winded sentences.

          About the bullets: Bullets are great!

          Bullets help you:

          -Get main benefits across in seconds
          -Compel someone to read on and move towards that buy button
          -Build desire for your product and ramp it up.

          Oh brother...so those previous bullets sucked. Whatever. I'm not here to prove anything.

          Here's the thing:

          Your bullets came way too soon. Bullets are "and here's what you are going to get". I think you have the intro and "here's what you are going to get"phases of the copy process mixed up a bit. I understand what you were trying to do and that was create some anticipation and get your clients to read further...

          But you need keep the first part of any sales letter simple and direct and use real sentences, not bullets...it's an intro and interest builder so...

          I read you're copy and I felt like I was being bombarded by too much stuff and too soon
          ...and all before I knew who you were or what you promised.

          Your bullets are great, it's just that they are in the wrong place. In fact why not bundle them up with the other bullets you have later in your copy where they belong. You need to create a first page/paragraph lead up but with simple sentences instead of bullets. Also, get rid of the highlights.

          Tone down your sales letter. Make great promises but make the page look clean and simple and attractive at least at the beginning.

          What if you took the top part of your sales letter (proof and bullets) and placed all of that in later? It's not a great solution but might make things a bit cleaner and organized.

          Maybe check out some related top end products in your niche and notice the order of things and then ask "why did this go before such and such?"

          My 1/2 cents.
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    • Profile picture of the author Daniel Brock
      Originally Posted by Metronicity View Post

      Sigh...why do you guys insist on using those drop-shadow fonts? They're an absolute ******* to read. That page is very hard on the eyes. Way too cluttered. And yellow marker just screams "Lost in the Eighties" - one or two highlights OK (not puke yellow) - but how many you got there? Nine or more? Nobody is going to read all that stuff. And it justs reads like a million other BS stories out there - the old "I was a frustrated blogger...about to give up...until I stumbled on this amazing system". Yawn.

      This para is very telling -
      So why are you dishing up a trite wannabe salespage huh? Maybe you should be looking at making a video instead? Or hand-draw the thing - have some fun with it. But this just says "scam"..."desperate" and plain "BS".

      FIND YOUR VOICE. Not everybody online is a complete moron. And we're getting smarter and smarter and more selective in what we read. I figure you'd have people clicking off this horror-show in two seconds flat - "One mississippi...two mississippi" - hasta la vista.
      Thanks for being so honest.

      I know what you mean about the drop shadow stuff. I am definitely going to split test it vs a regular font. I wanted a way to separate myself from the other sales letters out there - and I noticed most use regular font so I wanted to do-dad it up a bit.

      Would you say that my headlines, sub heading, pre-headings are too long?

      I definitely am going to redo this though - it's currently converting at around 2%...trying to kick it up to around 5% so I got some work ahead of me.

      Thanks for the suggestions
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      Clickbank #1 Best Seller: The Deadbeat Super Affiliate.
      Click here to learn how to make money online in your bath robe and gym socks!
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  • Profile picture of the author Kevin Rogers
    Going back to your hook. The best one is not what you have in the pre-head, certainly not represented in the headline... there's a better one buried in your bullets. Can you spot it?

    (HINT: It's the same hook a big name marketer is using that sparked a heated debate on this forum.)
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    • Profile picture of the author Stephen Dean
      Gotta agree with the critiques of the yellow highlighting. I use it too, but that seems a little much. I'd unbold the bullets, and bold the parts that are now highlighted.

      I think your headline is weak too. I like the angle of ditching ebooks for physical products, but it could be said a lot better.

      "I'm LAUGHING At Chumps Fighting A Crowded Marketplace For Puny eBook Commissions While I'm Making A Fortune Selling Physical Products On A FORGOTTEN Affiliate Network!"

      "$125,862 In Sales!"

      I think the "After helping hundreds of people make their first affiliate sale..." prehead is too long and could be eliminated. But you could use that idea with your angle.

      Tell them you're going to help them make there first affiliate sale (or first affiliate business) in a less crowded market... where it will be easier.

      Voila... you've got a reason why.

      Cheers,
      Stephen Dean
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      • Profile picture of the author Daniel Brock
        Originally Posted by Stephen Dean View Post

        Gotta agree with the critiques of the yellow highlighting. I use it too, but that seems a little much. I'd unbold the bullets, and bold the parts that are now highlighted.

        I think your headline is weak too. I like the angle of ditching ebooks for physical products, but it could be said a lot better.

        "I'm LAUGHING At Chumps Fighting A Crowded Marketplace For Puny eBook Commissions While I'm Making A Fortune Selling Physical Products On A FORGOTTEN Affiliate Network!"

        "$125,862 In Sales!"

        I think the "After helping hundreds of people make their first affiliate sale..." prehead is too long and could be eliminated. But you could use that idea with your angle.

        Tell them you're going to help them make there first affiliate sale (or first affiliate business) in a less crowded market... where it will be easier.

        Voila... you've got a reason why.


        Cheers,
        Stephen Dean
        Stephen, I love your headline. You probably came up with that on the fly and it is way more interesting than the one I have been using for months lol.

        Thanks man. Will definitely try something like that on my next split test round.
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    • Profile picture of the author Daniel Brock
      Originally Posted by Kevin Rogers View Post

      Going back to your hook. The best one is not what you have in the pre-head, certainly not represented in the headline... there's a better one buried in your bullets. Can you spot it?

      (HINT: It's the same hook a big name marketer is using that sparked a heated debate on this forum.)
      Is it this one:

      Why Ebook Affiliate Marketing is Dead...and Why Physical Products Are the Next Big Thing...

      ?
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      Clickbank #1 Best Seller: The Deadbeat Super Affiliate.
      Click here to learn how to make money online in your bath robe and gym socks!
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      • Profile picture of the author Kevin Rogers
        Originally Posted by Daniel Brock View Post

        Is it this one:

        Why Ebook Affiliate Marketing is Dead...and Why Physical Products Are the Next Big Thing...

        ?

        Yeah, you got it... and Stephen juiced it for you. But, why are you still confusing matters talking about "Junky" ebooks? Is that really your prospect's pain point?

        No. It's about making easier money with less competition. Stephen's headline addresses that. You should really test it, or a version of it.
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Brock
    Alright guys - I took the most common critique and that was to clean it up a bit.

    How do you all like the 2nd version:

    Dan Brock's Profitzon - Amazon Affiliate Marketing Revealed

    Compared to the first:

    Dan Brock's Profitzon - Amazon Affiliate Marketing Revealed

    It definitely seems a lot more easy to read to me.

    I am currently split testing these two pages together to see how it effects conversions.

    Next split test will be a better header

    Third split test will be the flow of the hook. I might move the proof up and the bullets down as suggested.
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  • Profile picture of the author Stephen Dean
    Why don't you try multivariate testing? Seems like you're getting enough traffic?

    You could try several headlines, a header, and more all at the same time.

    What software do you use for the split testing?

    Stephen
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    • Profile picture of the author Daniel Brock
      Originally Posted by Stephen Dean View Post

      Why don't you try multivariate testing? Seems like you're getting enough traffic?

      You could try several headlines, a header, and more all at the same time.

      What software do you use for the split testing?

      Stephen
      Too dumb to figure out mult var split testing haha.

      I just figured out A/B split testing for the first time today after like 8 hours of messing around with it.
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      • Profile picture of the author JoeyFratantoni
        Hey Brock,

        I'm digging the entire page. Your copy is great, good background color choice and a lot of proof. You should see a lot of clicks on that Buy Now button.

        -Joey
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        • Profile picture of the author Daniel Brock
          Originally Posted by JoeyFratantoni View Post

          Hey Brock,

          I'm digging the entire page. Your copy is great, good background color choice and a lot of proof. You should see a lot of clicks on that Buy Now button.

          -Joey
          Thank you

          Still a work in progress - it's converting pretty well now around 2.5%. Trying to get it up to 4 or 5% but who knows how long that will take.

          And update on the split testing.

          Variation one which is the version without the crazy hightlights and the drop shadowed text is currently converting 2% higher than the one with the drop shadow, pre-heading, and hightlights.

          It's only a head by 2 actions, so I should have a clearer picture after another 250 hits or so.

          Next split test up is a benefit oriented head line.

          Thanks guys
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          • Profile picture of the author Bob Conroy
            I think the current headline is weak...It doesn't make me care...it just tells me you made some money, not that I can.

            You need to hit a lot harder than that.

            I think Stephen has you going in the right direction, but even that one still doesn't scream at my self interests - which would be making money by selling e-books - so I'd keep digging at it...hope this helps...
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