12 {{ upvoteCount | shortNum }}
12 {{ upvoteCount | shortNum }}

Please critique my childbirth/parenting product sales page

by mph
9 replies
Dear warriors,

I have just received this letter from my copywriter, and I feel she has done a pretty good job. I haven't tested it yet, and, before I test it, I just want to make sure there are no huge bloopers or turn-offs in this approach...

Here's the address:

Connect With Your Unborn Baby

Last but not least, thank you so much in advance!

Peter
#childbirth or parenting #critique #page #product #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
    Looks like a good niche. Crass, hackneyed headline.
    Grammar problems.

    Bond with your child... yada yada... going along nicely
    ... then SCREEEEECH!

    "but what you really need to hear about is hypnotism!"

    huh?

    The segue is rough... and the letter is really, it seems to
    me, expounding claims of the broad benefits of self-
    hypnotism hoping the reader will think... "well, if it's good
    for open heart surgery it must be good for my baby!"

    I'd say some heavy slashing and rewriting is in order.

    I question the "appeal" here - actually. The promised
    benefit - the deep connection with the child - doesn't
    seem supported by the selling argument, which is mostly
    focused on hypnosis stories unrelated to gestation
    and childbirth.

    I didn't read all that carefully. I'm not your market and
    I'm not being paid, so there's not much reason to - but
    to my copywriting technician eyes these problems leap out
    at me with just a quick skim.
    Signature
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1972142].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Paul Hooper-Kelly
      Hi Peter,

      The first thing that jars is the headline ... that hoary old chestnut:

      "Who else wants to ...

      It really has been overused to death. But - more importantly - your letter should address ONE person: your reader.

      So, whilst the pre-headline is okay, I would think hard about ditching the headline in favour of the deck copy, which goes right to the heart of the main benefit of your product - as well as being wonderfully rich in "you" and "your" (thus speaking directly to your reader on a one to one basis).

      I would then think hard about using the bullets lower down as the deck copy.

      Moving on to the body of the letter, your first task is to sell yourself to the reader and build trust. There are about eight "mini sales" you need to make if you have any hope of making the BIG ONE and selling yourself and building trust is one of the very early ones (after the "read me " sale with your headline).

      Here you have a problem, because I gather you aren't the "main man" here.

      So you can actually use this to your advantage by positioning yourself as the publisher or medical researcher or maybe even a mom who has experienced this wonderful technique and is now bringing it to the wider world.

      That conveniently positions you more as a friendly advocate and "buyer's assistant" than salesperson.

      I see you are using a pen name and maybe you could take this further by starting your letter sympathizing with the mom to be and highlighting their fears and hopes. I see your copywriter is a lady, so that should be a mite easier for her than some hairy geezer!

      Although, as a father myself, I guess moms-to-be have similar worries about how their child will turn out.

      So you could outline those fears and then turn to how bonding deeply whilst the child is still in the womb has been shown to be highly effective in producing the sort of children we all want to bring up.

      And you must immediately prove this, by citing articles from respected medical and childcare publications, such as The Lancet (journal of the British Medical Association), which is respected world wide, PLUS the US equivalents - your largest market being the USA.

      Such "official" proof would be far more convicing that what you currently offer and should be positioned closer to the front of the letter, which is where you need to sell the whole concept.

       A full critique is beyond the scope of this post, but I will just mention the close which is very weak and also the letter fails to tap into the emotions of your target audience.

      It's vital to do this because people buy with their emotions.

      And you need to work on both sides of the emotional coin:

      * By generating the feeling that - if they pass on this - they are denying their baby the best possible start in life (and making it harder for themselves, when bringing up the child later).

      * Also make them experience the wonderful, warm feelings they'll enjoy, once they've ordered the program.

      I'm guessing here, but you probably didn't pay a great deal for the copywriting and, for what you paid, it's a good effort on the part of your copywriter.

      Warmest regards,

      Paul
      Signature
      If you want to stack the copywriting deck in your favor with tricks and hacks producing winners like: "$20K in three days" "650 sold" "30% conversion", then you might like to know I'm retiring and will spill the beans to two people. More info here.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1972359].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
        Hi mph,

        Sincere question: Given the niche and unqiueness of the market, do you have to divulge that this is a hypnosis-based product in order to to increase the value, clarify or add credibility?

        The hypnosis angle may or may not be effective and as Loren pointed out, it seems like the copywriter "switched gears" to focus on the value of hypnosis, rather than the value of the product.

        In other words, going with a emotionally laden "mother child" copy, coupled with an explanation of the "process" without getting into technicalities (as well as the benefit & testimonials,) might be a better the way to go.

        Of course, you can run with it as is, and see. You can always course correct later if you need to.

        - Rick
        Signature
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1973350].message }}
        • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
          I'd be careful about calling a baby "it" in the headline. Many mothers to be will have found out if it's a boy or a girl already and will be in a gender-specific mindset.

          Then Loren and Rick are spot on. The copy as it begins shouldn't veer into selling hypnotherapy, especially with reference to heart surgery which folk are squeamish over, or just couldn't care less about considering your product.

          As a recent father I know there's a hulk of emotional copy that could be used upfront. Then the method can be teased. I would think that actually using "hypnotherapy" to sell this is risky as people have such mixed opinions on whether it works/whether they'd ever feel comfortable being hypnotized, etc.

          You may be better off finding a way to tease the method without mentioning hypnosis.

          Just my take from a quick scan. Good luck.

          --- Ross
          {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1973496].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Rezbi
    Got to agree with the other guys. The emotional aspect should be the biggest factor, especially considering you're talking about a baby.

    Try explaining the benfits of hypnotism for this purpose to a friend... without actually mentioning the word 'hypnotism'.

    Try to really force yourself to come up with an alternative way of saying it.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1973852].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Truly dreadful. Lost me at the headline and the rest of the copy is so far off the mark its not funny. "Studies have shown"..."Countless other reports "..."TIME magazine" - major credibility factor right there.

    This copy has just made me so pissed off I can't comment further. It's heavy-handed, clumsy and just screams SCAM. The pseudo photo of the baby in the womb is straight-out grotesque (too high for a baby of that stage for starters).

    And the answer to this bold statement is a loud "NO I don't". Just the opposite, in fact. - "Now you clearly understand how safe and effective hypnosis is"

    (I'm a father of a 2 year old and a 5 year old and my wife is a pediatrician BTW)

    And the "testimonials" - laugh out loud - "-- Amy, 32, Premium Fashion Model"

    To top it off you have a photo of a guy who looks like he's just got out of Maximum Security with another beauty below that of a young black guy with his head against a white girl's pregnant stomach.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1974049].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author VeronicaD
    I agree with most of what's been said here. If I were to come to that page, I probably wouldn't read any further past "Recent research shows mothers who bonded deeply with their children while..." It dives right into this stuff and loses any emotional connection you may have established with me at the start. That's if I didn't click away from "Who Else Wants to..."

    Personally, I think the photo of the baby in womb is beautiful. It may not be accurate, but I still like it
    Signature

    Contact me if you need to!

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1974228].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Roxanne McHenry
    Personally, I would want to know that the technique used to "bond" with my baby is hypnosis (which I am skeptical of anyway). I actually like the headline and sub head. Using "meditation techniques" sounds OK, too.

    However, it feels like the page reveals the hypnosis thing out of the blue, really fast. Talking about hypnosis for open heart surgery and to treat rape and incest victims on a page about bonding with your baby? Eeeeeww!!

    How does that tie into bonding? Any positive studies of hypnosis' effect on unborn babies?

    I agree that more copy first about bonding, enjoying, connecting with the baby in utero would be an improvement. I like the copy below this section for example: ENJOY your Pregnancy and be More Prepared for Motherhood.

    Pregnant women can be funny in how they process things. For example, just watching the Rugrats movie when I was pregnant made me feel weird and seriously nauseous. I don't know if it's the colors, animation...sure there's some gross stuff, but not that bad!

    In other words, pregnant women are sensitive. I find the copy look and feel too edgy and LOUD. There's no cuteness (appeal), no softness and a lack of relaxing undercurrent to go with the whole bonding thing.

    Just my opinion, as a mom with two kids via natural childbirth (no drugs)!
    Signature

    Accelerator Marketing Tools
    Cash Keywords Pro

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1980970].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Raydal
    I would have used a different hook for this letter. Because of the
    incredible nature of the claim I would use the news-announcement
    angle and then go on to "prove" with all the solid facts you can
    get that this method really works.

    Starting with the obvious about needing to bond with the
    baby is less engaging. I would start with the SHOCKER
    and then soften it as you go towards the end with all the
    "feelings" stuff that women respond to so well.

    I like the language of the writer even though the selling
    angle was not my first choice. The letter is not bad
    but the selling could take some improvement.

    -Ray Edwards
    Signature
    The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1985179].message }}

Trending Topics