Is my copy compelling enouph on my sales page?

6 replies
Just upgraded my personal training web site. The goal of the home page ( sales page) is to 1st get people to call me and to second get their name and email.

Is the copy compeling enouph?

My site:Mike Cola Fitness
Best - Mike
#compelling #copy #enouph #page #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
    If you need help achieving your health and fitness goals, call today 914-776-0916 and take advantage of our limited special offer ending May 15, 2010. Get 10% off your first block of ten personal training sessions.
    Not much of an offer is it?

    So the answer is no. Your offer isn't compelling.

    Prospects are gonna think "10% off of how much?" -
    aside from 10% not being much of a discount and the
    rather steep commitment to 10 sessions to get it, you've
    not disclosed your price.

    By all means test it if a hidden price, a 10 session
    commitment and a measly 10% discount is the best
    you're willing to offer, but my experience tells me this
    approach will not get people calling you.

    You brag about your guarantee in your headline -
    I'd expect a money-back if unsatisfied guarantee
    but here you've used weasel-language to the effect
    that if I do in fact "Discover How Personal
    One-on-One Training Can Shave Weeks Off of
    Your Personal Fitness Goals." but am unsatisfied
    with my results, will you give me my money back
    or not?

    See? you haven't guaranteed anything meaningful.

    I'd be suspicious if I were a prospect.

    I'm not bullying your intent, Mike - I just know you have
    to be specific and make a very hard to refuse offer to
    get response in today's marketplace. That's part of
    what makes creating effective copy such a detailed
    process. There are a lot of elements that can help the
    sale which when absent or done wrong will kill the sale.

    Do you have a postcard pitch? Or an elevator pitch?

    Do this: write/speak your pitch - try to distill down to
    not too many, but powerful words what you do for
    your clients. Put the magic and enthusiasm in it.
    Say "transform your health" instead of "Get the body
    you've always wanted" - there's a purpose to this because
    your pitch needs to awaken the imagination of your
    prospect, start a mental movie. Your pitch needs to
    get the prospect visualizing the results she will
    get if she buys your product or even agrees to speak
    with your salesperson.

    People tend to be reluctant to enter into sales conversations
    unless they have a very attractive offer in front of them,
    in writing usually. Only then will they call to ask specific
    questions and move towards buying.

    The first part of the pitch is the mind-movie. The second
    part is the offer/call-to-action where you tell 'em what
    they'll get, why it's safe, and how much it will cost.

    Be specific.

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  • Profile picture of the author mllnsgrl
    Hi Mike,

    I do like your opener. I think it's good.. I would list some Real Benefits though, in a bulleted list.

    Example -

    After 30 days with me you'll have:
    - tight upper and lower abdominals
    - more defined torso
    - thigh and buttocks toned
    - better flexibility

    And then a disclaimer somewhere at the bottom - "all results will differ, etc."

    I would also list the benefits for Men, and Women because the end results are very different. If you're gearing your site to both, don't leave one out.

    Just a note... maybe this is my female perspective but the color mismatch bothered me alot. The gray header, blueish/purplish pic of the arm next to the flesh colored woman.

    One more thing.... I would also put a price in there - you will get more calls this way (in my opinion). Maybe you could have the first session be free.

    Lots of luck with it.


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  • Profile picture of the author perry2
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    • Profile picture of the author Ashley Gable
      Have you ever heard that people want FAST results?

      They dont want to "learn" or "work". They want the
      magic bullet, or a something very close to it.

      In the second testimonial, 4th paragraph
      down you say this:

      "More than a decade's training with Mike Cola has lifted
      years from my body and spirit by guiding me ..."

      A decade is a loooong time! See how that may be
      pushing people away?

      It put me off, you know why? Because there is always
      something just a few weeks, or months away that I
      want to "get fit" in time for.

      I dont have a decade.

      I realize that in the first paragraph you state they
      only need 30 days to shave weeks of their goal,
      but it doesnt matter - when they get to the decade
      part, they will probably click back - and not call you.

      Also, what exactly would I be calling you for? Is it a
      phone consultation, a course, a dvd, a book, what?

      I am the type of person that would never call someone,
      heck I dont even call my girlfriend on the phone! I just
      dont like the phone.

      Why not put a contact box there too.
      So people like me can send a little message and take
      advantage of your offer?


      EDIT: Okay I can see what you are offering.
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  • Profile picture of the author dyadvisor
    I would strongly suggest the well written advice of Loren.

    He gave you a free $500 consultation.
    All that I can add to what he said is this. To many people trust is very important. You need customers and lots of them. Instead of a tiny discount, search on the internet and for $5.00 (or Less) buy a training/fitness ebook. Rewrite the first 2 pages, make yourself the author. On the cover, put a small picture of yourself. As a footer on every page, you can mention your discount offer.

    Now use the Ebook as free bait. You wrote the book, I'm convinced. Maybe now I might buy. If not, you have my opt-in email. Monthly keep giving me offers till I cave in.

    I do not think you need more advice. Adjust and start the action. Then adjust and start the action again. Here I am referring to marketing changes. Not the A+ copywriting advice.
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  • Profile picture of the author puppetmaster
    Second dyeadvisor's advice to heed Loren's suggestions. Most people pay for that quality of critique. You're getting it free.

    In terms of your headline, its not compelling enough. What makes you so special above any other personal trainer? If you can put concrete results in the headline, like "how one of your students lost XX lbs in 3 months" kind of deal, it will really help in terms of your credibility. The mind perceives concrete numbers as fact.

    Anyway... Since I don't think there's anything to add copy-wise after Lauren's killer advice, here's some tips on your layout.

    Get ride of the graphics, or at least shrink them substantially. Make the Headline the focus of the thing. Not the graphics that doesn't say anything. 80% of people don't read below the fold, so get as much of the juicy stuff above the fold as much as possible.
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