I have worked real hard on this Please give me some feedback

9 replies
I have a sales page that I have been working on for months. I don't think that it is too bad but I want some professional Critique.

http://imbusinesspro.com

Thanks,

Dan
#feedback #give #hard #real #worked
  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    Hi Dan,

    Your first sentence is waaaay too long. Cut it down, get the reader sucked in straight away, don't force him to work.

    Your writing is good but a bit too formal, and again, some of your sentences are a bit too long.

    I'd sum up your modules at the start of your letter rather than go straight into long copy on them. If one of them turns off your reader he might not continue even if the next one is just what he's looking for.

    The alignment on your last load of bullets goes out the window.

    Bonus module 1 appears to be the only bonus.

    Increase your guarantee period.

    I think you need to do more price justification for a $199 product and explain why it is only that much.

    Hope some of this helps.
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  • Profile picture of the author postsalot
    I am not one for capture pages really but that is more of a personal preference than anything, I know they work well.

    But I think the product is great and if it does what it says it does the value is definitely there. I talk to a lot of people everyday about various marketing programs and tools and the one thing I always here from people is they need a better way to track all of their campaigns and advertising at once.

    I also agree with Andrew's opinion about the first sentence it is very long and that is your first opportunity to capture the readers attention so it has to be perfect.
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  • Profile picture of the author JL Melvin
    Great start on your sales copy - now you just need to tweak it some more.

    First thing - your headline is unimpressive, what I mean is this - it's not grabbing me, it's not pulling me into your copy. Where's the urgency or compelling offer?

    Try something like this:

    ATTENTION All Internet Marketers...

    Why your "administrative back-end" may be costing you hundreds, maybe thousands of dollars in additional sales...and what you can do Right Now to make your Sales Soar!

    Let's face it - the benefit of your software is freeing up an IMer's administrative nightmare. In doing so your benefit is saving them Time & Money.

    You need to Sell the Sizzle not the Steak!

    Highlight your benefits more - once you draw them in with your headline, show them "HOW" you are going to increase sales and free up more of their precious time.

    Just my two cents.
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  • Profile picture of the author moonlight6881
    your page is too long to read it and not has all the required information product have even it is have a lot of writting but you need to use more simple words as you know there is a lot of internationals will visit the page and not all know English well
    the images are not shown in good quality
    the page as a whole needs a lot of attraction ways
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  • Profile picture of the author Stephen Dean
    Looks like an awesome product.

    The headline really needs to sell the benefit more. It's not just a product that helps you manage a business... it's a product that helps you pick from the money tree 'til it's barren.

    A lot of the tools inside help people create more cash than if they didn't use it. There's the benefit. And not more "control" over the business.

    Right now you're using the subhead to connect the dots for them after the headline. "And more control means more profits."

    But the fact that you need to connect the dots for them is a problem. I'd rework the headline, maybe with John Ritz' headline generator: Copywriter's Toolkit - Instant Headline Generator

    Cheers,
    Stephen Dean
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  • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
    Pretty detailed letter. I think if you can find the market you'll
    do well.

    I think your letter is way better than your header, which I find
    kind of cheesy.

    Something like this could be a really killer seller from the speaking
    platform. Think about that. Consider selling it through JVs
    on teleconferences and things like that. Your letter may not
    be so relevant to such a process.
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  • Profile picture of the author danmart
    Thanks to everyone that gave me some great advice on the sales page. I re-worked the page and incorporated most of the suggestions that I was given the new page is at imBusiness Pro Software - Complete Management for Internet Marketing Let me know if I am on the right track or not..

    Dan
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  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    That's a huge improvement Dan!

    And you can make it better still...

    I'd start with a brief explanation of the headline before moving into the story. It only needs to be a single line, and consider dropping the drop cap.

    Your writing's much improved but there's still some loooong sentences in there. Try reading it out loud (or getting one of your kids to read it to you). You'll soon see what you have to change.

    I don't get your first subhead, it doesn't fit into the flow of the copy.

    Drop the periods after your subheads, you don't want people to stop reading.

    Some of the spacing looks a little odd (I'm using Firefox).

    Make more of your split testing, and explain it a little clearer. You can point out that some packages charge $199 just for testing.

    Nice to see you've doubled your guarantee period - could I persuade you to up it to a whole 365 days AND offer free upgrades in that period?

    I'd still like to know more about why it's only $199. Maybe it really is $699 but because you know how hard it is to get started you're putting $500 into their account with you to get them off the ground. But you're not sure how long you can afford to keep doing that... Or play up a $699 or even $999 price throughout the copy so you can surprise them with the real price. Remember, you're not selling a $27 or less ebook, you don't just need to persuade them that the product's good, you need to persuade them that the price represents excellent value too.

    Hope this lets you keep improving.
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    • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
      Dan, try formatting the start like this. Right now your paragraphs are too long... too boxy. I gave it a quick polish but you can probably improve on it.

      -----------------------------------------

      It was a night to forget.

      The clock said 2am and my wife had just poked her face around my office door for the second time asking if I was ever going to come to bed.

      Bed!

      Not when I needed to log the hits and income from 6 affiliate programs on my spreadsheet.

      Then transfer that to my accounting program...

      Worse still, I had to get two more landing pages completed for my latest project before morning.

      Sleep was a luxury I couldn't afford.

      The next day, bleary-eyed... I sit down to lunch with an old High School pal. He happens to be one of those "Satan-in-a-suit" corporate efficiency experts. You know the hired-guns who stroll into a company and hand out pink slips like poisoned candy.

      I told him there just wasn't enough time to truly grow my business... or make even half the money I should be pulling in.

      Sure, I was doing “O.K” but my daughter was going to need braces soon, and that pimped out new Lexus on TV was looking mighty fine.

      He cut me off quick...
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