If you critique my sales page and I'll give you the product.

17 replies
Offer is closed

#critique #give #page #product #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Emailrevealer
    I think it's excellent. I usually don't get to the end of those things but I read yours.
    The one thing I didn't like was your "click here tou buy " button. I'd look for something nicer.

    maybe more of a call to action at the sales button too. Like Order now to begin a better future! kind of thing.

    Good luck with your launch.
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  • Profile picture of the author erinwrites
    Usually I just sort of skim sales letters, but I actually got into yours and now I want to reccommend this to friends. For me, the only part that was awkward was the tie in between the "this isn't a get rich quick scheme" and the following paragraph, which was a great joke on those sales letters that do exactly what you describe. Perhaps instead of beginning that paragraph with "And", just simply say "I don't have a..."

    Other than that, I really liked it!
    I put words on the Internet.
    Silly Haikus starting at $5! PM me for details! (Because it's fun)

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    • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
      I have to disagree. I didn't find the letter interesting at all.
      This is a lifeless letter and drones on about you and generates
      very little in the way of excitement about what you will
      do for me to make me a lot of money. I also feel that
      $67.oo is a lot of bread for an ebook. There are dozens
      of products on the market that make similar claims for
      half the price.

      I don't want to be mean or embarrass you - copywriting
      for your own product is hard to do - which is why a lot
      of good copywriters outsource the copy for their
      own products. I think you'll be wasting your time and
      money promoting your product with this letter.

      My advice is to throw it away and start from scratch.
      I would recommend you re-read some of your copywriting
      books and follow the guidelines therein.
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      • Profile picture of the author DeePower
        Loren - thank you for taking the time to comment.

        There have been a number of critiques PM'd to me. Everyone who posted or PM'd should have gotten the download link from me.

        FREE Pump Up Your Profits With PLR
        Are You a Writer? Then you need this FREE guide Convert Your Words to Ca$H Make Money Writing Online
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        • Profile picture of the author Dennis Cheesman
          Hello Dee,

          I'm not a copywriter but a potential customer and I would have to agree with Loren..

          The headline didn't do it for me at all, and the copy didn't convince me to shell out $67.00 ...

          I didn't post this for a free copy so you can keep it, I posted to just help you out if possible..

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          • Dee;

            Well, lots of stuff has already been covered, but here's my 2c... Hope it doesn't come off harsh, I'll try to be gentle, but I have a bit of a reputation for being... Well, *achem* blunt.

            - Yes, that is you. And yes, that is your name. And yes, that sentence is hard to read. And yes, your prospects really aren't going to care.

            - Handy little feature in Dreamweaver - "Find and Replace". Hit Ctrl+F, and type " I " in the "find" box. Then type "you" in the "replace" box. Every time you come across the WORD "I" (not the letter "I"), hit "Replace" and it will replace it with the word "you". Now your job is to make the new "you"s fit without changing them back to "I"s.

            - Your headline... It's "lacking". Lacking pump, energy, a reason to read... Well, yeah. It's lacking. PM me if you like, I might be able to come up with a few headlines using a handy-dandy headline tool I use.

            - Lead - hard to read. Sentences are confused and in a daze by all the hype (hope you catch that, because that is the sentence that makes the least sense in that paragraph.)

            - The "I certainly was" thing keeps interrupting the flow for me...

            - You don't have a rags to riches story to tell. Well, thats good that you're telling me that. But you stop short - after the end of that paragraph, spend a paragraph or two telling the story you DO have. How you made it online... Why you did it... How it made you feel. (While keeping your "I" use to a minimum, if possible.) This builds rapport, and builds a desire within your prospect to feel the way you do now - financially free and happy.

            - The grass is greener on the other side of the fence is the common expression, so that sentence is a bit strange to read.

            - I didn't know what to do looks an awful lot like a subhead, its something people would see when scanning. Unforunately they don't want to scan and see that you don't know what to do.

            - Your subheads are breaking up your copy, not flowing with it. A subhead has three goals...

            1 - to act like a regular sentence within the copy.
            2 - to draw attention to a particular point you're trying to make (hopefully a positive one
            3 - to catch the attention of the skimmers

            Some of your subheads are catching the skimmers, a few of them are drawing attention to a point you want to make, but very few of them are actually complete ideas, and even fewer have continuity and flow with the copy itself. The subheads should be a story within a story - not interrupt the copy, but be able to say enough on their own to get someone to read.

            - If you're targeting newbies, don't talk about OTOs, upsells, backends, etc. They won't know what you're talking about, they'll just think you're leaving things out of the package.

            - Leave the faux-Latin-Englaise to the chatrooms and forums. Make your copy DUMB. Like "my 5th grader couldn't stumble over any of these words if she had a stutter" dumb. Your prospects aren't really dumb, but using "dumbed down" language sure makes it easier for everyone to read.

            - Your bullet list isn't even a list of features, let alone advantages or benefits. Its a table of contents. Write your bullets in sentences - Feature (what they get) - Advantage (why it's so important) - Benefit (what they get out of it). Every bullet should be like that.

            - You have no Call to action, no USP, no benefits other than "make money online with a step by step plan" which is what everyone else and their dog are promising. Especially at $67, I would recommend beefing up that part.

            - Your first PS makes no sense. If I'm not making money in 30 days, or I'm not satisfied, there's a full money back guarantee for 8 weeks? Does that mean I can return it 7.5 weeks from now, but only if I wasn't satisfied within the first month?

            - Your 2nd PS isn't there. Use it to showcase a key benefit - PS's are read more often than most of your copy. Use them to your advantage.

            - Your guarantee should be before and after the buy button. Reinforce the decision to buy. Use TWO buy buttons - one after introducing the price and guarantee, one after reiterating the guarantee, benefits, and bonuses.

            - Get some bonuses. Even if they're recycled, rehashed PLR material, if they'll ADD VALUE to the system, use it. If you can't find anything, do it the easy, high-value way. Start a forum on the website, and give customers free access. Post articles in it every once in awhile. Break down your method into steps, and create a topic for each one. Then they can create threads within each topic to talk about their progress. BINGO $47 value bonus at LEAST.

            - I'm glad to hear you're getting better graphics, the ones you have detract more from the message than add to it.

            - Try split testing serif-fonts in the copy. May increase conversion.

            - Use a box around the buy now button. "Yes, Dee! I can't wait to get my hands on this incredible information, and discover the secrets to a profitable internet business." Reiterate benefits (take from the bullets you should have created above) and THEN the buy button.

            I'm sure I can come up with more, but that should do you for now. PM me about those headlines if you like. And if you're considering the option given above (hiring out a copywriter), check out my sig. Because it's a rewrite, I could give you a break on those rates.

            - Cherilyn
            Take your product from idea to profit in less than 90 days! Work with me to develop and implement a step-by-step plan for success!
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    • Profile picture of the author zapseo
      Hi Dee!!!



      30 Day Action Plan:
      Earn Money Online
      Well, it ain't exactly going to start me panting to read your letter, writing all over it, printing the salesletter out and carrying it close to my heart...

      Not the sort of thing that would have the husband hoping his wife has a headache tonight so he has time/excuse to read your sales letter. LOL.

      So, let's see -- 3 basic headline types:
      * Curiosity
      * Benefit
      * News

      I'll take 'em in reverse order:

      News. Nope not an iota.

      Benefit: So, let's back up and talk about
      features. A "Plan" is a feature, as is it's
      adjectives -- "30 Day Action".
      "Earn Money Online." Dee, I know you like to be upfront and all, but you can hold off on the "earn". That sounds too much like WORK. Which it probably is. But before breaking them into the "bad news" -- a little romance, please!

      It's kinda like some guy proposing to you by saying they want you to keep the house, make meals, etc. C'mon. It's MORE exciting than that!

      ("Even though it may take a bit to understand, you'll be surprised how quickly you pick up the lingo and master these skills. You'll notice it when you start telling your loved ones what you are learning and they kinda give you that blank stare. You'll be able to more than hold your own when someone brings up the topic of the Internet (and who doesn't hear about the Internet these days?)")

      Curiosity...I'd give it maybe 10 out of 100. You have to compare what you've written with what Eugene Schwarts calls "the maturity of the market." Compared to OTHER products in the same space...well, you're going up against folks with headlines that practically have the readers from their headlines alone. Pretty stiff competition.

      And no offense, but the comment about "that really is my name" -- it doesn't really get a lot of points on the chart for hitting "What's In It For Me?"

      Now, as far as your lead -- my first cut would be to reverse it, and tell it like your story ..


      "When I first learned about making
      money online all the choices were bewildering. I was so distracted by all the choices, by being pulled this way and that, I could have been hit by a Mac Truck and not noticed.

      Sound familiar?

      Do you find yourself <<add in stuff>> like I have?
      <<the reader is asking, on an unconscious level: are you like me? do you understand me? do you hear me?>>

      First, let me tell you ... earning money, good money, is definitely possible on the Internet. you CAN, with less effort than would be required to (hunt for a new job, prepare for a new career..?) and easily make more than the average US wage. Imagine what that could be like...for you, your family, what you could do for your community <<well, maybe -- i was looking for a triad>>

      But here's the reality check. All those "turn on the computer and the money comes flowing out" ads -- well, not quite. Maybe not even close. It's a bit more complicated than that. But you probably knew that already. But it can be a lot less work and effort than what you are probably putting into your current employment.

      Add in a few things -- like when things start to "snowball", being able to name your own hours, not having a boss -- and the entire package -- means the work you do put in can pay huge dividends.

      But make no mistake. While there is work --, without a path through the jungle of temptations that pull you this way and that -- you could find yourself spending many,many hours with little to show for it.
      This isn't the most brilliant writing -- just there to give you an idea.

      Okay, I got a little carried away.

      You write, in your letter, "I don't have a story to tell"

      I have 2 comments to this:
      1. bull -- you have a story. It's just different than what others have written. Well, hello! Thank goodness! And yes, they DO want to know who you are to know if a) you are like them; b) they can trust you
      2. if you don't have a story to tell, don't waste the reader's time telling them that. (but like I say ... yes, you DO have a story -- YOUR story.)

      Not to be harsh or anything -- but they don't care a bit about what you don't have. It's ALL about them. Every! single! word! in your salesletter has got to be about them. Their dreams, their fears, their problems. Even when you tell a story about yourself, it has to be about them, about what they will relate to.

      It's not about lying. But it is definitely about tapping into the reader's emotional reservoir of what makes them them, and what they hope to do during their trip on this planet.

      I've not mentioned much about the rest of your salesletter. It ALMOST doesn't matter. You have seconds to capture the reader's attention -- and, having caught that, not much longer to make that deep emotional connection that makes the reader say "Ah...finally. Someone who understands me."

      Because if they feel you understand them, then they also will trust you to lead them out of the hell of their despair.

      The rest of the letter doesn't have to be quite as solid if you get that right. Think of it as sort of a halo effect. Kinda like lovers being blind to the faults of their partner.

      Okay ... I can't help myself...

      30 Days of Action ...
      that list sounds deadly dry.
      Give it some juice. Add some mystery. Make 'em anxious to read those different pages that you list. Doesn't take much...Let's pick up a few...

      The 10 hottest places to find tons of buyers
      for your products (p2)
      Keywords...the magic words that pull in buyers(p4)
      Setting up a blog: step-by-step instructions so easy a 9 year old can do it(p5)
      The secrets of writing -- you don't have to do it yourself -- and here's how (p8)
      (or -- alternatively: how to be an author without lifting a pencil.)

      Do, please, STOP telling the reader what you aren't going to tell them. Every idea you put into someone's brain is going to take up a certain amount of energy, trigger associations. What associations do you need to put into the reader's mind in order for them to be totally rock-solid convinced that you, finally, will take them by the hand to the promised land (even if you tell them it takes a bit of work.) I don't think telling them what you aren't going to tell them even enters the equation. (There are other places, however, like in your offer, where "takeaway" can be very effective...)


      Live JoyFully!

      Judy Kettenhofen, Profit Strategist/Copywriter
      NextDay Copy

      (Like this post ? Click the "thanks" button, please!)
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  • Profile picture of the author elitesalesgroup
    I am a complete newbie. I don't have any success in internet marketing but loads of experience reading sales pitches. I have actually spent money on some of those same sort of e-books you mentioned. After reading your sales letter I would definitely buy yours . And, I think it would probably be the last one I'd purchase for a while. The guarantee and the estimated time frame to make money are what entice me the most.
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  • Profile picture of the author deannatroupe
    It was kind of long for my taste. It did get its point across, but I didn't like that I had to scroll all the way to the bottom of the page to get to the price and the buy button. You should have the price and a buy button near the middle of the page for the people that have already made up their mind to buy your ebook.
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    • Profile picture of the author DeePower
      Everyone has been sent a PM with the link to download the products.

      Cherilyn, great minds do think alike, I was thinking of adding a members only blog to sweeten the package.

      At this point I'm closing the offer to make some changes.

      FREE Pump Up Your Profits With PLR
      Are You a Writer? Then you need this FREE guide Convert Your Words to Ca$H Make Money Writing Online
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      • Profile picture of the author Lance K
        Dee, you made a nice effort, but...

        Your headline is pretty weak. You ask people a question that has nothing to do with them.

        Then you open with other questions that people could answer "no" to.

        You need to determine what the #1 benefit of your product is and drive that home.

        You need bullet points that relate to the content in the PDF. EDIT: I see that you have a few under "Here's a small sample:..." but they don't stand out.

        Your P.S. needs to restate your biggest benefit and address the offer.

        Your guarantee is weak. Why would you stick CB's standard 8 week guarantee out there when your product is the "30 Day Action Plan"? Offer a conditional double your money back guarantee on top of CBs. Follow the plan and make $x in 30 days or I'll give you double your money back type of deal.

        Having a FAQ list after the P.S. is a bad idea. All objections should be handled in the sales letter. Preferrably in the same order that they will enter your prospect's head.

        I apologize for the fly by critique. I'll try to come back and give more in depth feedback when I get more time.
        "You can have everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want."
        ~ Zig Ziglar
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        • Profile picture of the author zapseo
          Hi Dee,

          Thanks very much for the download.

          Would also like feedback on my feedback

          Did you find what I wrote useful, and if so, what?
          And what was less useful.

          This will help me give better feedback in the future.



          (PS -- if you haven't you might want to edit your first post, as well, to let folks know that the offer is now closed.)
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          • Profile picture of the author Lance K
            Originally Posted by zapseo View Post

            (PS -- if you haven't you might want to edit your first post, as well, to let folks know that the offer is now closed.)

            No worries here. I was going to tell you that I don't have time to read it anyway. Just trying to help a little if I could.
            "You can have everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want."
            ~ Zig Ziglar
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            • Profile picture of the author zapseo
              Hi Lance,

              I'm not the one making the offer -- I just don't want people to be unhappy with Dee. She's a great lady, and I also don't want others to spend a bunch of time in anticipation of getting something that's no longer being offered.

              (Great feedback, btw.)
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              • Profile picture of the author DeePower
                Lance was sent the download and I edited the original post to say the offer is closed.

                I appreciate everyone's advice.

                I am not going to guarantee that you can make money with the product because I can't. They could pick the niche "how to teach hamsters to smoke" or "how to smoke hamsters" for that matter and not make a penny.

                You all have the product and bonuses by now. What would you say is the number one benefit?

                FREE Pump Up Your Profits With PLR
                Are You a Writer? Then you need this FREE guide Convert Your Words to Ca$H Make Money Writing Online
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                • Good luck Dee!! If you need any other advice in getting the copy going, don't be afraid to PM me.

                  - Cherilyn
                  Take your product from idea to profit in less than 90 days! Work with me to develop and implement a step-by-step plan for success!
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