If you critique my sales page and I'll give you the product.

Dee;

Well, lots of stuff has already been covered, but here's my 2c... Hope it doesn't come off harsh, I'll try to be gentle, but I have a bit of a reputation for being... Well, *achem* blunt.

- Yes, that is you. And yes, that is your name. And yes, that sentence is hard to read. And yes, your prospects really aren't going to care.

- Handy little feature in Dreamweaver - "Find and Replace". Hit Ctrl+F, and type " I " in the "find" box. Then type "you" in the "replace" box. Every time you come across the WORD "I" (not the letter "I"), hit "Replace" and it will replace it with the word "you". Now your job is to make the new "you"s fit without changing them back to "I"s.

- Your headline... It's "lacking". Lacking pump, energy, a reason to read... Well, yeah. It's lacking. PM me if you like, I might be able to come up with a few headlines using a handy-dandy headline tool I use.

- Lead - hard to read. Sentences are confused and in a daze by all the hype (hope you catch that, because that is the sentence that makes the least sense in that paragraph.)

- The "I certainly was" thing keeps interrupting the flow for me...

- You don't have a rags to riches story to tell. Well, thats good that you're telling me that. But you stop short - after the end of that paragraph, spend a paragraph or two telling the story you DO have. How you made it online... Why you did it... How it made you feel. (While keeping your "I" use to a minimum, if possible.) This builds rapport, and builds a desire within your prospect to feel the way you do now - financially free and happy.

- The grass is greener on the other side of the fence is the common expression, so that sentence is a bit strange to read.

- I didn't know what to do looks an awful lot like a subhead, its something people would see when scanning. Unforunately they don't want to scan and see that you don't know what to do.

- Your subheads are breaking up your copy, not flowing with it. A subhead has three goals...

1 - to act like a regular sentence within the copy.
2 - to draw attention to a particular point you're trying to make (hopefully a positive one
3 - to catch the attention of the skimmers

Some of your subheads are catching the skimmers, a few of them are drawing attention to a point you want to make, but very few of them are actually complete ideas, and even fewer have continuity and flow with the copy itself. The subheads should be a story within a story - not interrupt the copy, but be able to say enough on their own to get someone to read.

- If you're targeting newbies, don't talk about OTOs, upsells, backends, etc. They won't know what you're talking about, they'll just think you're leaving things out of the package.

- Leave the faux-Latin-Englaise to the chatrooms and forums. Make your copy DUMB. Like "my 5th grader couldn't stumble over any of these words if she had a stutter" dumb. Your prospects aren't really dumb, but using "dumbed down" language sure makes it easier for everyone to read.

- Your bullet list isn't even a list of features, let alone advantages or benefits. Its a table of contents. Write your bullets in sentences - Feature (what they get) - Advantage (why it's so important) - Benefit (what they get out of it). Every bullet should be like that.

- You have no Call to action, no USP, no benefits other than "make money online with a step by step plan" which is what everyone else and their dog are promising. Especially at $67, I would recommend beefing up that part.

- Your first PS makes no sense. If I'm not making money in 30 days, or I'm not satisfied, there's a full money back guarantee for 8 weeks? Does that mean I can return it 7.5 weeks from now, but only if I wasn't satisfied within the first month?

- Your 2nd PS isn't there. Use it to showcase a key benefit - PS's are read more often than most of your copy. Use them to your advantage.

- Your guarantee should be before and after the buy button. Reinforce the decision to buy. Use TWO buy buttons - one after introducing the price and guarantee, one after reiterating the guarantee, benefits, and bonuses.

- Get some bonuses. Even if they're recycled, rehashed PLR material, if they'll ADD VALUE to the system, use it. If you can't find anything, do it the easy, high-value way. Start a forum on the website, and give customers free access. Post articles in it every once in awhile. Break down your method into steps, and create a topic for each one. Then they can create threads within each topic to talk about their progress. BINGO $47 value bonus at LEAST.

- I'm glad to hear you're getting better graphics, the ones you have detract more from the message than add to it.

- Try split testing serif-fonts in the copy. May increase conversion.

- Use a box around the buy now button. "Yes, Dee! I can't wait to get my hands on this incredible information, and discover the secrets to a profitable internet business." Reiterate benefits (take from the bullets you should have created above) and THEN the buy button.

I'm sure I can come up with more, but that should do you for now. PM me about those headlines if you like. And if you're considering the option given above (hiring out a copywriter), check out my sig. Because it's a rewrite, I could give you a break on those rates.

- Cherilyn

No worries here. I was going to tell you that I don't have time to read it anyway. Just trying to help a little if I could.