Calling All Copywriting Critics

by TimAtkinson

Posted: 15 years ago 15 replies

COPY WRITING

Howdy Copy Writing Warriors,

Ok I need you honest feedback. I'm in the process of creating a MLM sales funnel for a new bizz I partnered with. It's a MLM called Numis Network. Their product is Numismatic gold and silver collectible coins.. Just so you have an idea what this funnel will be about.

Before I order the landing page I wanted to show you my copy and have you all dissect it and let me know what to change if any

A little bit about me, I've been an IMer for 3.5 yrs. I have a lucrative coaching program, Created several info products and basically do CPA, Affiliate and all types of marketing. I'm no newbie just not an expert copywriter. I usually outsource but the guys I use charge me way to much for a simple landing page copy

Now the copy below is for a generic MLM sales funnel. Let me know what you think. I meet with my copywriting coach next week but I know that you copywriters here in the WF are bad ass. Let me know and thank you for your honest feedback

Finally The Real Truth why 97% Of You Reading This Will Fail In Your Attempt To Make Any Money Online

Below is a short presentation where I reveal what only the 3% of the money makers know. Listen don't be another statistic and press play below..

-end headline and subheadline-

Ok the approach I'm taking here since i'm an internet marketing consultant is the "big simple secret" here is the fact that most MLMers fail because they don't have a good mentor/coach, someone who has actually will teach them step by step what to do. You know someone who is above their level or at the level they are trying to obtain. Also touch on the fact that once you realize your success will take off like a rocket as long as you have someone coaching you to your next level of success your whole life in your business.

Then my call to action in the video(for opt in) will be that I'm going to reveal exact blueprint I teach my students that charge me thousands to coach them to success in MLM.

So hopefully this makes sense.LOL

Let me know what I should change with the given information and thanks a million everyone for your honest feedback!

Tim

#calling #copywriting #critics

Loren Woirhaye 15 years ago

That's a pretty hackneyed headline for an MLM product. Many,
many squeezepages try to leverage the same argument,
so if you use it you won't be telling any MLMer anything
they haven't seen dozens of times before. Maybe they'll
somehow be otherwise persuaded that you have something
new to offer (hope springs eternal), but I wouldn't even bother
to read the offer on a squeezepage offering MLM salvation
unless it had a fresh approach to the headline. I'm pretty
jaded about MLM though.
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Raydal 15 years ago

Many people, especially on this board, are not big fans
of MLMs. Although I don't push any myself I've written
successfully for this industry many times. And I'm talking
about 6 figure returns.

Anyway, I think that you have the right approach. You
want to dig into the general skepticism and failure rate
of this industry rather than make any big promises.

So I think that you are on the right track. Tell people
why they have failed before and let them know that
it wasn't their fault. That is the approach you want
to use and the one that I found most successful.

-Ray Edwards
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TimAtkinson

15 years ago

Thanks for the comments. Trust me I'm fully aware that Imer's don't really mess with the network marketing side but I like making money marketing, period. So I try to have an open mind when it comes to several income streams.

Loren can you give me an example of the way you would word it, Looks like your a copywriting guru

It's hard to write something different because people failing in MLM have the same problem, not enough, traffic,leads and money. They are burnt out and been burnt

Raydal how can I fit all that into a headline with subheadline for call to action to click my video. Any example you can give on how you would word it. Thanks

Thanks
1 reply

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Raydal

15 years ago

Originally Posted by TimAtkinson

Raydal how can I fit all that into a headline with subheadline for call to action to click my video. Any example you can give on how you would word it. Thanks

Scott gave you a pretty good start with the headline and subhead.

A couple bullet points and an optin box above the fold and you're
set to go.

-Ray Edwards

Thanks

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Scott Murdaugh

15 years ago

FREE Video Shows You Why 97% Of MLM Marketers Fail Online And 7 Simple Tips That Make The Other 3% RICH...

This Information Cost Me Over $42,000 And Countless Hours To Learn, But This Knowledge Has Earned Me Well Over $4.2 Million, Press Play Below To See How I Became An "Overnight Success" And How You Can Do The Same As Well...

Sorry, not much time for BBCode to format it...

BUT, the reason I suggest telling them how much it cost you to learn attaches a value to it, without a value attached a free video is valued as "free". And "free" is valued as "not worth my time"...

Change the specifics to your situation.

I don't promote MLM and haven't researched the market. I think Loren makes some very valuable points about the approach. People may be jaded.

Sorry for the short reply, I'm short on time.

Good luck with it!

-Scott

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Over $30 Million In Marketing Data And A Decade Of Consistently Generating Breakthrough Results - Ask How My Unique Approach To Copy Typically Outsells Traditional Ads By Up To 29x Or More...

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Johnny12345

15 years ago

Originally Posted by Scott Murdaugh

Scott,

I think it's an excellent headline. However, I'm concerned that the FTC might not like the last few words...

"And How You Can Do The Same As Well..."

They might construe that as a promise that his customers will also make $4.2 million.

Regards,

John

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Scott Murdaugh

15 years ago

Originally Posted by Johnny12345

Good point John.

That's the problem with coming up with a headline on the fly.

I mean it to read "You can become an overnight success like me" not "You can earn $4.2 million like me" but after your comment I can see how it could read like that.

Nothing a little word play can't fix. But I agree, as is, it'd be questionable.

-Scott

Thanks

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Over $30 Million In Marketing Data And A Decade Of Consistently Generating Breakthrough Results - Ask How My Unique Approach To Copy Typically Outsells Traditional Ads By Up To 29x Or More...

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TimAtkinson

15 years ago

Originally Posted by Scott Murdaugh

Scott that was Solid my friend. Gave it that WOW factor! Much appreciated

Thanks

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CopyMonster 15 years ago

Just funking about:

"How a 31 year old man from Bluestone Creek, Mississippi, went from a struggling MLM nobody going nowhere fast to MLM super sponsor earning an average $23,723 a month, after just 90 days... catapulting him from the 97% of MLM wannabe's to the 3% of real money makers.

Without spending any money
Without begging friends and relatives
Without ..."

Click on the FREE video below for his secret...
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Scary good...
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TimAtkinson 15 years ago

I can defintely say I have spent 6 figures on coaching and trainings myself. Definitely one of the reason I am where I am today.

Any other recommendations by the "guru's"

This is when future prospects are looking to see compelling replies so they click your link, haha (devilish laugh)
- Thanks
- 1 reply
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- TimAtkinson 15 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Ken_Caudill
  
  Yes.
  
  Never date a one-legged, red-headed woman from Memphis commonly known as Gotcheye.
  
  You'll regret it.
  
  Trust me.
  
  hahaha nice one! til next time warriors
  
  Thanks
  
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balsimon 15 years ago

Tim - I don't fancy myself a copywriting guru. But here are some thoughts - assuming this thread is still relevant... H = headline S = subhead

Idea#1
H: Got that Love/Hate Feeling for marketing online? Statistically you're bound to fail. It's nothing personal - just statistics.
S: Don't want to be a statistic? Click to watch my video and see what just 3% of marketers do right - and how you can model your efforts on theirs.

Idea #2
H: Are You Online Marketing Roadkill?
S: Look at any forum. People begging for advice about how to not be a roadkill statistic in online marketing.
S: My presentation reveals what the 3% who know what they're doing are doing right so you can model what they do and succeed.

Idea #3
H: Online Marketing Coach Blows Apart The Myths that Keep You Down!
S: Discover what a mere 3% of marketers do right so you can model what they do! Click to start this short video.

- Bal
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Daniel Scott 15 years ago

Originally Posted by TimAtkinson

I usually outsource but the guys I use charge me way to much for a simple landing page copy

Landing pages aren't easy. Sure, they're SHORT - but we don't charge by the word.

When you have such a tiny amount of space every word has to be perfect... hence our "insane" fees.

I have no idea who the guys you normally use are... but doesn't it stand to reason that a professional would be able to get a MUCH higher conversion rate than you (and if not, find a new professional...).

Even an extra .5% boost in conversions would probably be worth a lot of money, depending on the kind of traffic you're throwing at this thing.

Why would you jeopardize that by trying to save a couple of grand (or whatever)... especially when I haven't even taken into account how much YOUR time is worth for this equation?

Food for thought...

-Dan
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Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.
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Calling All Copywriting Critics

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