My First Sales Letter - After digging into sales pages for months

34 replies
Hello

I would like to ask you to check out my very first sales page. I've studied the topic of creating sales pages for quite some time now and I wonder how well it is so far - if I really got it.

I ask you for honest criticism (copy and design)
and advice how I can fix existing problems.

Before you check the link: Imagine you would like to visit Bulgaria (country in europe) and want to learn the language:

*link removed* (or simply click in my signature below)

and then please tell me if you felt touched or not at all and why.
I am ready to learn, thank you.
#digging #letter #months #pages #sales
  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    Do yourself a favor and create a sig file. That way you can put the link there. Best wishes...
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2091185].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author rmichel
      Originally Posted by travlinguy View Post

      Do yourself a favor and create a sig file. That way you can put the link there. Best wishes...
      Thank you very much for the hint. I did that, but I guess the feature it is not yet activated in my account.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2091222].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
        Hi rmichel,

        Unfortunately, you have committed one of the mortal sins of Internet marketing:

        You have selected a market, developed a campaign and produced a product very few want to buy.

        I'm sorry to break the bad news.

        This is not a copywriting challenge, this is a strategy challenge.

        I don't care how good your copy is or can be. It makes no difference either way.

        Do the keyword research for yourself and see. Here, let me show you a bit of what I see:



        I am sure you spent hours upon hours, but as my partners say:

        "I am sure we can write the best info product about raising hissing cockroaches as pets, but no one will buy it."

        One of the keys to success in Internet Marketing is selecting a market which is rabid and people stand ready to buy.

        - Rick Duris

        PS: Beside the SEO implications, just try "learn golf" or "auto insurance" and you'll understand the chasm between the numbers.

        Signature
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2091356].message }}
        • Profile picture of the author rmichel
          Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

          Hi rmichel,

          Unfortunately, you have committed one of the mortal sins of Internet marketing:

          You have selected a market, developed a campaign and produced a product very few want to buy.


          Thank you Rick, for your answer. I appreciate that.

          But my deeper market research turned out different:

          - 1100 e-mail subscribers (within 6 months), (you can see the squeeze page on the root url)
          - More than 75 people asked by email about when the course will be launched finally
          - Survey of 700 people on the list showed that around 50 percent expressed that they are willing to pay on a monthly base in the price range used on the sales page

          If only 3% convert into sales (from the e-mail subscribers) I'll be fine with the start of my very first product launch... with the money I can start to create a product in a bigger market.

          Thats the reason why I hang in that. Do you think it is that wrong?
          {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2091401].message }}
          • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
            Originally Posted by rmichel View Post

            Thank you Rick, for your answer. I appreciate that.

            But my deeper market research turned out different:

            - 1100 e-mail subscribers (within 6 months), (you can see the squeeze page on the root url)
            - More than 75 people asked by email about when the course will be launched finally
            - Survey of 700 people on the list showed that around 50 percent expressed that they are willing to pay on a monthly base in the price range used on the sales page

            If only 3% convert into sales (from the e-mail subscribers) I'll be fine with the start of my very first product launch... with the money I can start to create a product in a bigger market.

            Thats the reason why I hang in that. Do you think it is that wrong?

            Hi rmichel,

            No, I do not think it is wrong--at all.

            Here's the thing that's been pummeled into my skull with a tire iron:

            It's called "highest and best use."

            Given any number of opportunities available at any one time, what's you and your wife's highest and best use?

            If you can convert your list, and the numbers justify themselves for the income you want, I say "Hey, go for it!"

            So let's just for a second do the math of it:

            1. It took 6 months to generate a list of 1100. So let's assume you build the list by an additional 1100 + 20% every six months.

            2. 75 people initiated and asked when the course would launch. Let's be liberal and say ALL will be buyers.

            3. But by the token, let's be conservative and say 15 percent of 700 will actually buy the product. (In the end, people vote with their wallet, not with a survey.) There is probably an overlap between the people who initially emailed and the positive survey buyers.

            4. So overall, let's be generous and say 15% of your list will buy. That's $2970. And then every month after that you make an additional $2970+ when you get new subscribers into your funnel.

            Assuming that number motivates you and your wife for your first effort, I say go for it.

            And if you need help on the copy, let us know and we'll help you. But it's a nice first effort.

            But my guess is you will quickly consume your list of 1100, and maybe they'll convert and maybe they won't. But after that, it becomes:

            1. Coming up with your next product...

            2. Or as Rick Stooker said, doing joint ventures or building out an affiliate program.

            I just don't see a rabid market here. While you may have a nice list initially, I think you are going to find it difficult to sustain any kind of momentum short, medium or long term.

            Please--I never want to be a "Negative Nelly," I just think you could make more money in a bigger, more rabid market.

            Last thing: I would love to be proven wrong, I would love to learn. I want you to succeed.

            - Rick Duris

            PS: Those were Google's numbers. You can probably double them for the other search engines.
            Signature
            {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2091851].message }}
            • Profile picture of the author maximus242
              "I'm Michel and I'm excited to share with you the best online course to learn the Bulgarian language."

              Beginners mistake. Using superlatives decreases believability. You have no proof that this is the "best" course online to learn bulgarian, therefore it sounds like hype.

              Never make your claims bigger than your proof.

              This is better.

              "Dear Friend,

              If you would like to start speaking Bulgarian fluently in the next 90 days... then... this is perhaps going to be the most exciting webpage you have seen all day.

              Let me explain: I married a Bulgarian woman. Bla bla bla, heres my story"

              I would say you need more examples, proof, demonstrations, etc. showing the effectiveness of your course.

              Give them a free lesson in how to speak Bulgarian right in the sales page. Show them how easy it really is.

              You also need to showcase your experts. You talk about two Bulgarian teachers but give no background about them. Do they have degrees, credentials, how long have they been teaching for, do you have testimonials of their students? etc.

              Overall I mean this is obviously your first try and hey not bad, ive seen peoples 10th try that looked a hell of a lot worse. I would say main problems are you dont have me at a white-hot lusting passion for this course yet.

              You have to get your prospect salivating for your product before you ask them to buy. Doesn't mean overload them with benefits, just figure out what fantasy they want to fulfill by ordering your product. Its probably something along the lines of imagine... speaking like a local while you travel through the ancient and historic land of Bulgaria, the look on your friends faces while you effortlessly talk to locals in Bulgarian while they struggle hopelessly with their dictionaries. Moving in and out of places, easily conversing with anyone you meet, like you had lived their your whole life... no one the wiser that this is in fact your first time in Bulgaria and you had only learned the language months ago.

              bbla bla bla. Whatever. You get the point.
              Signature

              xResponsive Advertising Agency | Direct Marketing | Online Advertising | Create Breakthrough Campaigns for Your Business http://xresponsive.com

              {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2092465].message }}
        • Profile picture of the author Ashley Gable
          Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

          Hi rmichel,

          Unfortunately, you have committed one of the mortal sins of Internet marketing:

          You have selected a market, developed a campaign and produced a product very few want to buy.

          I'm sorry to break the bad news.

          This is not a copywriting challenge, this is a strategy challenge.

          I don't care how good your copy is or can be. It makes no difference either way.

          Do the keyword research for yourself and see. Here, let me show you a bit of what I see:



          I am sure you spent hours upon hours, but as my partners say:

          "I am sure we can write the best info product about raising hissing cockroaches as pets, but no one will buy it."

          One of the keys to success in Internet Marketing is selecting a market which is rabid and people stand ready to buy.

          - Rick Duris

          PS: Beside the SEO implications, just try "learn golf" or "auto insurance" and you'll understand the chasm between the numbers.

          I understand what you mean, but I actually do pretty well in a market where my main keyword phrase gets about 720 searches per month.

          Not only was it fairly easy to get to number #1, #2 (and #3 with a different site) but I can really drill down to a specific audience. I tailored my sales page to exactly (or at least what I think) they want to hear and find out, and in return I get better than average conversion rate. So even though I only get around 30 of those visitors per day to my site I still make a pretty penny off of it.

          With a "niche" like "learn bulgarian" I would venture to guess that there is a specific reason they would want to learn it. Lots of people learn Spanish, French, English and German because they seem to just be the 'default' second language one would try to learn, but bulgarian seems pretty specific.

          I would have no desire to learn Bulgarian, and I would assume most wouldnt, so those people that do must have some other reason other than just wanting to know a second language. Maybe they have family or had family in Bulgaria and wish to learn their native language.

          I do know what you mean though, I would take 7,000 searches over 700 anytime

          Ashley
          {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2091789].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Sanchez
    I agree with Rick...

    That said, hey, it still might be small micro niched profitable site.

    As fort the sales letter.

    I didn't go through it very thoroughly..

    But it's nice, clean, easy to read and simple.

    Frankly not bad for a first time sales letter.

    Might be nice to add some more benefits /bullets and beef them up...

    and why should I go with you? - position yourself.

    That's from the sales letter side of things...
    Signature

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2091696].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author rickstooker
    You may get some sales by teaming up with targeted sites such as Bulgarian tourist agencies, local Chamber of Commerce, businesses or organizations promoting businesses to relocate in Bulgarian or help foreign business people assigned to Bulgaria. Or Bulgarian/East European dating sites (maybe they'd like to know what you know about dating/marrying Bulgarians). Or sites promoting expat retirees - some may be interested in Bulgaria.

    Good luck, Rick
    Signature

    Wanted: Bloggers. Youtubers. Facebook Page Admins. Authors. Artists. Bands. Pinterest and Instagram Stars.
    Find out how you can make more hands and hassle free money selling Print-On-Demand T-shirts.

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2091734].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    I suppose its not bad for an amateur but its still not cutting it. Get yourself a better headline for starters. The danger of asking questions in a head is that you may not like the answer.

    The headline is an ad for your ad. So why not bait us - attract us with what's to follow. Personally I think there must be a great opportunity there to come out with a wacky Bulgarian saying. Like -

    "There are no hungry blonds"
    (old Bulgarian saying)

    I wouldn't hang your hat on the "I'm a Swiss married to a Bulgarian" thing. Nobody cares about that. They only care about "what's in it for me?" Just make it part of the story. And why not tell us some of the difficulties you've had learning Bulgarian? The alphabet is different for starters. Did you make some silly mistakes in the language that cracked the Bulgarians up? I bet you did. So tell us about them.

    Elsewhere you've made fundamental mistakes like saying "If" instead of "when" - put the book in your readers hands. Presume he's going to buy the thing.

    Delete the "For Whom" BS. Very clumsy. Nobody talks like that in real life. You might say "Who's this for?" But you don't need this. If you really want it in, turn it around and say something like "This is a great resource for somebody who doesn't have a clue about the Bulgarian language and is struggling to learn it. If you're already fluent - you probably don't need this book for yourself but you might like to give it to a friend".

    à bientôt (whatever that is in Bulgarian)

    The Copy Nazi
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2092958].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author rmichel
      Originally Posted by Danniboy View Post

      Might be nice to add some more benefits /bullets and beef them up...

      and why should I go with you? - position yourself.
      Thanks, I agree, the benefits seem to need more meat.

      Originally Posted by rickstooker View Post

      You may get some sales by teaming up with targeted sites such as Bulgarian tourist agencies, local Chamber of Commerce, businesses or organizations promoting businesses to relocate in Bulgarian or help foreign business people assigned to Bulgaria. Or Bulgarian/East European dating sites (maybe they'd like to know what you know about dating/marrying Bulgarians). Or sites promoting expat retirees - some may be interested in Bulgaria.

      Good luck, Rick
      Absolutely. Since this is my project to dive into product creation and marketing, I set up the marketing plan as follows:

      1. phase: The list
      2. phase: Working with relevant websites (affiliate)
      3. phase: Using local contacts, as you mentioned too (affiliate)
      4. phase: Teaming up with local teachers (affiliate)
      5. phase: Advertise in relevant expat magazines

      I am going to do each phase for the first time in my live, thats why I do them one by one. For a bigger product I do understand, that it can make sense to take the affiliates before the first launch into the boat.

      Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post


      And if you need help on the copy, let us know and we'll help you. But it's a nice first effort.

      But my guess is you will quickly consume your list of 1100, and maybe they'll convert and maybe they won't. But after that, it becomes:

      1. Coming up with your next product...

      2. Or as Rick Stooker said, doing joint ventures or building out an affiliate program.

      I just don't see a rabid market here. While you may have a nice list initially, I think you are going to find it difficult to sustain any kind of momentum short, medium or long term.
      Thank you very much for the calculations, I didn't do too many of them. I just see that there is a market and it is an oppurtinity for me learn how things work. Afterwards I want to set everything on "autopilot" and if that can generate a few hundred bucks a month - perfect.

      Originally Posted by maximus242 View Post


      I would say you need more examples, proof, demonstrations, etc. showing the effectiveness of your course.

      Give them a free lesson in how to speak Bulgarian right in the sales page. Show them how easy it really is.

      You also need to showcase your experts. You talk about two Bulgarian teachers but give no background about them. Do they have degrees, credentials, how long have they been teaching for, do you have testimonials of their students? etc.
      Wow, great input! Thanks a lot. Yes, I see I have to put the credibility more into the spotlight.
      Before they arrive on that sales page they already got 8 mini-lessons for free, so they know how it works. But I guess I'll create a video for the salespage, that shows them how the product is going to look, that they want to buy.

      Originally Posted by Metronicity View Post

      The headline is an ad for your ad. So why not bait us - attract us with what's to follow. Personally I think there must be a great opportunity there to come out with a wacky Bulgarian saying. Like -

      "There are no hungry blonds"
      (old Bulgarian saying)

      I wouldn't hang your hat on the "I'm a Swiss married to a Bulgarian" thing. Nobody cares about that. They only care about "what's in it for me?" Just make it part of the story. And why not tell us some of the difficulties you've had learning Bulgarian? The alphabet is different for starters. Did you make some silly mistakes in the language that cracked the Bulgarians up? I bet you did. So tell us about them.
      Haha, thats great. I wonder if I have the courage to put such a headline! But thank you too, thats great stuff you suggested. I will defenitely go over it and will work out a better sales page today.

      And yes, obviously english is my second language, I'll get the copy proofread before the launch.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2093322].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author jukeboxhero
      Originally Posted by Metronicity View Post

      I suppose its not bad for an amateur but its still not cutting it. Get yourself a better headline for starters. The danger of asking questions in a head is that you may not like the answer.

      The headline is an ad for your ad. So why not bait us - attract us with what's to follow. Personally I think there must be a great opportunity there to come out with a wacky Bulgarian saying. Like -

      "There are no hungry blonds"
      (old Bulgarian saying)

      I wouldn't hang your hat on the "I'm a Swiss married to a Bulgarian" thing. Nobody cares about that. They only care about "what's in it for me?" Just make it part of the story. And why not tell us some of the difficulties you've had learning Bulgarian? The alphabet is different for starters. Did you make some silly mistakes in the language that cracked the Bulgarians up? I bet you did. So tell us about them.

      Elsewhere you've made fundamental mistakes like saying "If" instead of "when" - put the book in your readers hands. Presume he's going to buy the thing.

      Delete the "For Whom" BS. Very clumsy. Nobody talks like that in real life. You might say "Who's this for?" But you don't need this. If you really want it in, turn it around and say something like "This is a great resource for somebody who doesn't have a clue about the Bulgarian language and is struggling to learn it. If you're already fluent - you probably don't need this book for yourself but you might like to give it to a friend".

      à bientôt (whatever that is in Bulgarian)

      The Copy Nazi
      I'd have to agree with the other dude here...

      Sure caples said curiosity builds interest and can pull a reader into the copy...

      That being said, the headline is an inside joke that nobodies getting...

      That kind of curiosity reminds me a little of the classic:

      SEX

      Now that I've got your attention I'd like to sell you a... (which completely FLOPPED)





      A quicky that comes to mind for me would be...

      "Learn Bulgarian As Fast As You Can... In Fact Up to 300% Faster"

      "Why once tongue tied students are only now calling this the holy grail of instant, nearly effortless speech induction"


      Why spend years learning Bulgarian when this system has made it so easy. My name is XXXX and not long ago I met the woman of my dreams.

      Things were going wonderfully (in mind mind at least) until those first beautiful words rolled off the tip of her tongue... I was left speechless.

      No really I was. I was left speechless because I hadn't the slightest clue what she said. The woman of my dreams was Bulgarian and I was going to lose her if I didn't do something quick...

      There's a start, that I rolled off the top of my head.... Here's what my thinking is...

      1. Attention grabbing, curiosity building, benefit driven headline...

      2. Presupposition laden deck copy that in only a few words conveys a great point on the surface and is jam packed with benefits Below the surface.

      3. Intro builds on your original story and mirrors the feelings that many people who want to learn a language have had... Not the love part. But the tongue tied part which is why they've come to your site in the first place.




      "You too, can learn Bulgarian In as little as ______________...


      Signature
      If Copywriting Legends Like John Carlton, Gary Halbert and Even Franky Kern Recommend

      >>>> This <<<<

      Shouldn't You Pay Attention
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2100802].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author amirfikri
    Wow your salesletter is very neat and clean.Simple to say,the message that you're trying to deliver is easy to understand and to cope with.Just for some touch up if you could put testimonials here and there in the salesletter,I'm very sure your conversion rate will increase insanely.Keep up the good work!What software did you use anyway?Dreamweaver?
    Signature

    Learn how to start your internet business by selling DIGITAL PRODUCTS with 7 EASY steps and get my free report about 'The Truth About Internet Marketing' at www.AmirFikri.com. Trust me,it'll be your greatest investment ever that you're going to make and it's all free for you to download.Cheers to your success!

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2093352].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author rmichel
      Originally Posted by amirfikri View Post

      Wow your salesletter is very neat and clean.Simple to say,the message that you're trying to deliver is easy to understand and to cope with.Just for some touch up if you could put testimonials here and there in the salesletter,I'm very sure your conversion rate will increase insanely.Keep up the good work!What software did you use anyway?Dreamweaver?
      I don't have any testimonials yet, its the first time I launch that. But as soon as I have testimonials from real people to publish, I'll post them for sure.

      I create everything with wordpress and quite some custom coding.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2093437].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author maximus242
        Two comments:

        First, "There Are No Hungry Blonds"

        ???? Its a pure curiosity headline, fails 3 out of 4 times.

        The testimonials you can get by giving the product to some people for free and in exchange they give an honest review for you.
        Signature

        xResponsive Advertising Agency | Direct Marketing | Online Advertising | Create Breakthrough Campaigns for Your Business http://xresponsive.com

        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2094409].message }}
        • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
          Banned
          Originally Posted by maximus242 View Post

          Two comments:

          First, "There Are No Hungry Blonds"

          ???? Its a pure curiosity headline, fails 3 out of 4 times.

          The testimonials you can get by giving the product to some people for free and in exchange they give an honest review for you.
          Bulltwang. I disagree. Where do you get this "fails 3 out of 4 times?" I bet it would work like crazy. Much better than a boring "How to learn Bulgarian" or whatever. "Curiosity headline"? - what does that even mean? If people aren't "curious" about your pitch from the headline you've not got much chance of them reading further. John Caples ("They laughed when I sat down at the piano..") said "curiosity headlines work well". I agree. And I bet if I tested this people would indeed be curious about that headline and want to read on...to the deck...to the first para...and all the way down to the buy button.

          Next you're going to tell me you must always put a benefit in the headline. Or it has to start with "Who else wants" or "Amazing" or some hackneyed stuff like that. :p
          {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2094752].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author maximus242
    Lol you gotta be kidding me, I wouldn't be caught dead using those tired old headlines.

    Curiosity does work well, PURE curiosity headlines typically dont. Copywriters love curiosity headlines, ad agencies love them, but they dont sell as well. The "3 out of 4 times" comes straight from the mouth of Gary Bencivenga.

    Now if you have curiosity, news and benefit, then it can work like gang busters.

    Such as...

    "How To Keep Your Money From Being Murdered"

    Now thats a great headline.

    However, "There Are No Hungry Blonds" is just f*ed up

    Once again Caples headline was not PURE curiosity, it was curiosity news and benefit

    "They laughed when I sat down at the piano... but not when I started to play!"

    You have impress & or shock your friends with your amazing piano abilities implied in the headline. And its news, its a story and it has great curiosity. Im all for curiosity just not pure curiosity headlines.

    Ogilvy and Caples were both against the pure curiosity headline, I dono where you got the idea that Caples supported it.
    Signature

    xResponsive Advertising Agency | Direct Marketing | Online Advertising | Create Breakthrough Campaigns for Your Business http://xresponsive.com

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2094996].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Read it again. Keeping in mind that's its a page about learning Bulgarian. The full head was -

    "There Are No Hungry Blonds"
    (Old Bulgarian saying)

    Here's Caples on headlines -
    After the main appeal, your headline is the next most important thing to test. Most people when surfing the Net pay scant attention to anything other than the headline when deciding whether they're interested or not. Your entire success rests on the strength of your headline.
    Here's an example that one of my mentors, Bruce Barton, often gave to show how the same appeal approached differently in the headline can result in widely different results.

    The old headline was, "John Smith made $110,000 the first year writing motion picture scenarios." The results were ho hum. The new headline was "John Smith sold his first motion picture scenario for $9,000 one month after taking this course." The new headline drew enormously.
    Daniel Levis: What makes a great headline?
    John Caples: A copywriter who truly realizes their incredible importance. Did you know David Ogilvy wrote 103 headlines and shopped them around the office for reactions before coming up with, "At 60 miles an hour, the loudest sound in the new Rolls Royce comes from the electric clock"?
    Once you've identified the right appeal, I challenge you to write at least 25 headlines around it, and then put them away for a day. Come back to them and try to read them from the perspective of a bored, mouse-happy surfer. Even better, find a few bored mouse happy surfers and let them read your headlines. See if their eyes turn to the copy below, or back at you. Then pick the few headlines that seem most promising, and test them one against the other.
    Now to directly answer your question, a great headline has to instantly appeal to the prospect's self-interest, that's job one. It's got to promise to give him something he wants, and wants badly.
    Secondly, it can be greatly strengthened by adding a dash of curiosity. Something unusual or paradoxical about the statement of benefit will further induce readership.
    Third, it should have news value, bringing the latest developments to the reader's attention.
    And finally, it should demonstrate or imply that the object of desire can be claimed quickly and easily. Self-interest and one or more of the other elements are always found in any good selling headline.

    Beyond that, a long headline that says something is more effective than a short one that says nothing. But a short headline that says something is better than a long one any day. In order to stop your bleary eyed reader, you need a short, sharp, stopper that promises something they want dearly. No long-winded statement that requires effort to read and understand will stop them.
    One of my favorite tricks is to take a long headline, and punch up the most important part into a short stopper, like this ...
    CORNS GONE IN 5 DAYS
    OR YOUR MONEY BACK
    Now there's a headline that both says something, and is impossible to ignore. The entire sales proposition is right there. The man with foot trouble sees "CORNS GONE" and knows instantly it's for him ... "IN 5 DAYS", so much the better ... "OR MONEY BACK" ... sold!
    Daniel Levis: That's great advice. I use that stopper technique all the time and it's golden.
    Now that particular example is the kind of headline you'd use for grabbing attention in a magazine or on a magazine style website when you've got a fresh claim to make, but what can you do with your headline to succeed in mature, skeptical markets where that target prospect believes he's seen it all?
    I'm talking about situations where he really doesn't want to read yet another ad on the subject, either because he's been burned before and refuses to believe the increasingly wild claims, or just doesn't believe there is a solution out there that's right for him. What can you do in cases like that?
    John Caples: Great question. The key in these kinds of situations is to stop selling the product in the headline. Instead, you sell information about solving the problem your prospect is still desperate to solve. I once wrote for the hair tonic market, which was a very tapped out market, but did very well with this headline.
    How A Bald Barber Saved My Hair
    The self-interest is implied, yet no mention of the product claim is there, and there is a paradox that really pumps up the curiosity angle. Also, using the word "how" at the beginning of the headline is a subtle queue that there is a story under the headline. It points to a story underneath. And who can resist a paradoxical story?
    Thus you can get in through the backdoor and begin pitching your product once you've got him hooked on reading your copy.
    Other examples of headlines that promise problem solving information and point down to the copy below are headlines with the word "these" in them, such as "Do You Make These Mistakes In English? Headlines that begin with "How" and "How to" ... "Why" ... "Which" ... "Advice" also fit this description. These openers - provided the rest of the headline appeals to the reader's self-interest - all send the message there is value in reading what follows. They have a sort of built in curiosity factor, don't 'they?
    I would also add that mental imagery is another factor to consider. If you can create an instant mental image in the reader's mind you have a much higher chance of grabbing his attention and interest. Consider this headline:
    The Deaf Now Hear Whispers
    There's something about the word whispers that creates a mental image in your mind. You can't help but conjure three people, one whispering into the ear of another and the third one left out. Note also the news value implied by the word "Now", and the paradox between the words "Deaf" and "Hear".
    And if there is another thing I would quickly add, it is the habit of calling out your audience. If you can work some aspect into your headline that shouts, "this ad's for you", it is proven to increase response. Such as in the headline:
    TO A $25,000 MAN OR WOMAN
    WHO WOULD LIKE TO BE MAKING $50,000 ...
    Note also the way the line is broken. It just drives me nuts to see long headlines that are broken incorrectly like:
    TO A $25,000 MAN OR WOMAN WHO
    WOULD LIKE TO BE MAKING $50,000 ...
    Each line of the headline should be as close to a coherent thought as possible.
    BTW...nitpicking...but the proper Caples headline is -

    They Laughed When I Sat Down
    At the Piano
    But When I Started to Play! -

    Coming back to the Bulgarian page...how about -

    "Do you make these mistakes in Bulgarian?"

    LOL



    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2095132].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author maximus242
      This is the way I think about it, if someone had a gun to my head and my life depended on the copy succeeding, would I use that headline? No I wouldn't.

      It could work but I just, dont think its quite there. Maybe with some refinement you could get something that would work like gang busters.

      I think its a good start, but if you ask me needs to be reworked. I like the idea, just the exact headline I dont think is quite there yet.

      My main problem is theres not enough clarity. That headline could be used to sell travel to bulgaria, could be used for a book about bulgaria, could be used to sell investments to bulgaria.

      Do you see where im going? Its not really calling out one market like "How A Bald Barber Saved My Hair"

      That one you know its about hairloss. But if I read your headline it could be about anything to do with Bulgaria.

      The "Do You Make These Mistakes In Bulgarian?" is not a bad start, its defiantly a lot closer, maybe something along the lines of...

      "When Someone Says "Insert Bulgarian Word" To You, Do You Know What To Say?"

      Then go on to teach them a lesson in bulgarian. 5 second headline, but its sort of a take on the mistakes in english headline.

      Anyways let me know what you think.
      Signature

      xResponsive Advertising Agency | Direct Marketing | Online Advertising | Create Breakthrough Campaigns for Your Business http://xresponsive.com

      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2095512].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author RentItNow
    The sub headline is terrible,,,
    How a Swiss started talking in Bulgarian in
    less than 4 months and how you can too


    I would not want to wait 4 months to speak a language. Gimme the good stuff in a day or even better in hours. Four MONTHS! I cannot even keep my concentration on my favourite subjects for that long...why would I want to learn a language in so long a time?

    Then you go on more saying how long it took you to get the girl so to speak.

    Shorten the time to results. It's a huge benefit that needs to be considered.
    Signature
    I have no agenda but to help those in the same situation. This I feel will pay the bills.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2096440].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author thewealthywiseman
    "My Brother-in-Law Laughed When His Sister Spoke To Me In Bulgarian, but When I Answered Her Perfectly -- His Jaw Dropped with Astonishment..."

    A twist on an old classic-- Of course there is only one way to really know...
    ...Split Testing.

    PS: I agree with an above poster re giving away review copies to get those testimonials

    Good Luck
    The Wealthy Wiseman
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2096652].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author rmichel
      Thank you guys for the help! You gave me tons of insights in writing sales copy!

      I am working on the sales page (noted more than 15 things I have to change based on your input), will let you know when I am ready.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2097811].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author tun80
        OK, would this be a Curiosity Headline?


        "If You Had A Gun Pointed At Your Head, And Given Only 15 Minutes To Figure Out How To Ask Where To Find The Nearest Polynesian Sycophant Pygmy Prostitute... In Bulgarian...
        Would You Look Down The Barrel Of That Gun And Laugh... Or Would You Bend Over So They Could Blow Your Brains Out?"


        I suppose I'd have to go for News and Benefit in a subhead(?)
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2100318].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author FuNwiThChRiS
    I'd say that you are off to a great start for this very small niche. I mean think about it, what's your competition here? You can't possibly screw it up... keep it simple and deliver a quality product. You're golden. Go hit up some SEO and get traffic going now.
    Signature

    Work hard, live a happy life, cherish your family and friends. Be thankful for every day.

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2100419].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Jon Steel
    Hey buddy,

    The headline makes this program seem like hard work in my opinion ... "less than 4 months" -- I would work the headline.

    js
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2100713].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author xatsmann
    I agree with most of the other critiques here--the basic information is fine but the presentation is very dry.

    You should mention more about the background of the people who designed the course and perhaps compare it favourable to the cost or time of a regular Berlitz course or something at the local community college, if it is even available there. Does your course compare well to Rosetta Stone or other computer courses?

    I think what CN is saying is that a clever or humorous opening would help. Something like the famous Monty Python skit about a man with a Hungarian-English phrasebook that is completely wrong but quite hilarious. (I tried to include it but my ranking isn't high enough yet.)
    Signature

    Dictionary is the only place that success comes before work. Hard work is the price we must pay for success. I think you can accomplish anything if you're willing to pay the price.
    Vince Lombardi

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2129308].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Intrepreneur
      Hmm the subscribe Now button is a bit pointless. You should instead have something at the top addressing the audience and instructing them to read to the bottom to find out the full info.you

      I'd also go for a $1 entry to begin with which will help give you confidence in the power of the salesletter as if you can make them part with $1 you can make more people part with higher amounts.
      Signature

      Owner easiery.com

      Started in 2009 now working on the above project.

      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2129320].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author MisterWolf
    I went to check out the sales page and I want to share my thoughts since I have a little bit of experience with people who speak Bulgarian. Well, children who do.

    My sister adopted 3 children from Bulgaria and one from Russia so she has traveled to those countries on several occasions. She's a native English speaker who had zero international travel experience beyond a high school trip to Mexico.

    When it came to learning some Russian, she didn't have much too much problem. There was a university near her in Nebraska so she drove there to take classes several times a week - a 2 hour drive. The girl she adopted was about 6 years old at the time and did not speak English so it was absolutely crucial that she learn a little bit of Russian to try to bridge the gap.

    For the Bulgarian kids, she made at least 3 separate trips to the country, but she never did find any Bulgarian classes that I know of. These kids were toddlers with the exception of one boy who was about 4 or 5 years old and she learned a few words to try and speak with him. She's very internet savvy so she did leverage the web to find a few different words and phrases to help her understand him.

    My main point here is that she spent untold amounts of money to be able to do this, not to mention time. I don't pretend that the number of people in the United States who are or are planning to adopt kids from Bulgaria is astronomical, but the need to know the language would be excruciatingly high for many of these parents. Maybe that is something your product could provide them with? It would make for some very inspiring testimonials, I believe. There are charities (one of which my sister was a director for) that assist parents traveling overseas to adopt and your business could most likely benefit by helping them - if that interests you.

    The other markets I thought you might have luck appealing to were people wanting to do business in Bulgaria. Compared with much of the rest of the Balkans regions, from what I have read Bulgaria has done well for itself even despite the 'global economic crisis'. This is a part of the world where foreign investments are being sought out regularly and those looking to do business in Bulgaria would certainly have a need to make sure they understand their cab driver, hotel clerk, etc. Although I have heard people there DO speak English in many instances, knowing how to understand them when they are not speaking it could be helpful. It could even save your life. To give a German example, knowing the difference between 'Geld oder leben!' and 'Geld oder liebe' when approached by someone you don't know is very helpful.

    I also feel strongly that the visual impact of Cyrillic on an English speaking person is incredibly strong. Maybe a headline asking 'Can you imagine being handed a sheet of paper with a page full of these words and being told you must sign it?' or something similar for the business / travel crowd? Or for the guy who is in love with a Bulgarian girl, imagine seeing her on webcam over Chat Roulette, falling instantly in love and then her chat response looks like: Здравейте От къде сте? Google Translate is only going to save you for so long....

    Videos, though, are what could really sell this course. There are many people intimidate by the process of learning a new language no matter how badly they want or even NEED to, so the simpler you can make it sound - the better. If you can teach me to say even a single sentence in Bulgarian in under 5 minutes I would be HIGHLY likely to purchase your course and I don't even have a need to speak Bulgarian. If you started out saying your Bulgarian sentence with a beaming grin on your face with a subtitle that said "What the..." you would have grabbed my attention, especially if you followed that up with "Do you know what I just said to you? If you don't, then don't worry because in the next X minutes you are going to learn your very first Bulgarian expression!"

    Also, 4 months sounds scary. That's an entire season, you know? If you said "In less time than it takes to complete a SINGLE college course without EVER having to leave the comfort of your home..." I would totally click Add to Cart. I also feel you should strongly emphasize the hand-holding part of your course & really have a powerful continuity incentive there. I've never tried to find a tutor for Bulgarian, but I can bet it would be tough. A webinar once a week where could call in and ask questions would be really amazing, especially if both you and your girl were involved so we could hear you communicate.

    I wish I had more than a handful of minutes to put more thought into this, but if it offers even one helpful idea - I'm thrilled!
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2129736].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author WiredCopy
      Hi RMichel

      I have to say your copy is overall very good. A few tweaks the Warriors have outlined could improve it measurably.

      I just wanted to add to the concerns about the 4 months timespan. Yes, 4 months for many people could be a realistic time period to learn a new language. It could even be extremely quick to those linguistically challenged. But to alienate those people that are looking for a "quick-fix" solution (after all we live in a "quick-fix society") could turn many people off.

      You might feel reluctant to change this time-span as it looks like you've based much of your copy on it.

      Here's my two cents:

      Why not turn your course into 4 stages instead of 4 months?

      You won't alienate anyone and people can learn Bulgarian at their own pace.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2130432].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author rmichel
      Thank you guys for your inputs - thats wonderful help! I'll have my next version online until tuesday.

      Originally Posted by MisterWolf View Post


      Also, 4 months sounds scary. That's an entire season, you know? If you said "In less time than it takes to complete a SINGLE college course without EVER having to leave the comfort of your home..." I would totally click Add to Cart. I also feel you should strongly emphasize the hand-holding part of your course & really have a powerful continuity incentive there. I've never tried to find a tutor for Bulgarian, but I can bet it would be tough. A webinar once a week where could call in and ask questions would be really amazing, especially if both you and your girl were involved so we could hear you communicate.

      I wish I had more than a handful of minutes to put more thought into this, but if it offers even one helpful idea - I'm thrilled!
      Awesome - thank you so much for your ideas! Great solutions for my problems with that sales page.

      If you still need a Bulgarian course , contact me via my website, unfortunately I cannot send you PMs here.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2132398].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author rmichel
    I am not yet ready, but my wife: She wrote the salesletter from her point of view, maybe that works even better!

    What do you think?
    bit.ly/bmtDAP
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2145573].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author MisterWolf
    I think that sales letter feels a LOT better, written from her perspective. It's got a lot stronger 'story' quality to it, but you know what? I think you should emphasize the price and charge more because you are offering too much for too low of a price.

    If you push us readers just a little bit harder (to buy it NOW!) with some scarcity - like saying that you can only accept the first 200 students at this price, for example - and then you jack the price up to say.. $197 then I think you'll get a lot more bites from those SERIOUS about learning Bulgarian.

    PS - I will pass your site on to my sister
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2146020].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author rmichel
      Originally Posted by MisterWolf View Post

      I think that sales letter feels a LOT better, written from her perspective. It's got a lot stronger 'story' quality to it, but you know what? I think you should emphasize the price and charge more because you are offering too much for too low of a price.

      If you push us readers just a little bit harder (to buy it NOW!) with some scarcity - like saying that you can only accept the first 200 students at this price, for example - and then you jack the price up to say.. $197 then I think you'll get a lot more bites from those SERIOUS about learning Bulgarian.

      PS - I will pass your site on to my sister
      Thanks! Yes, I am convinced thats the way to go with the story of my wife. Well yeah, the plan is to give the current subscribers it for 108 and after 1 week (scarcity) we are going to raise the price to the normal rate of 4x49 dollar, which I think is still a very good price. We'll splittest that a bit I guess. But currently I really care more about providing value and a great course which we can leverage in the future.

      Very exciting business!
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2147499].message }}

Trending Topics