Critique - Short sales copy - I value your time

Link is:

Conquer Destiny

What's your name and where's your photo?

You're not selling or explaining your offer. What exactly is it you're offering and why do I need to sign up (even for free)? What's in it for me?

Space the copy out more, get rid of some of that underlining and shorten your sentences.

Not bad for your first time

I do agree, changing your headline from all caps to proper title format (Like This, Which Is The Traditional Style for Headlines) will help with readability. That isn't just an online rule, it is a rule that has been in place for over a century with offline media (like newspapers and magazines) for a reason - it's much easier to read.

You have too many bold elements, too close together. While bolding is a great tool, using bold fonts in different sizes, spaced closely together like that, gets distracting and the eye doesn't know what to focus on - which will cause a break in flow, and you'll lose many readers there.

I also think that you don't really need that much copy to sell a free forum membership. Really, a simple web 2.0 graphic may be enough (with bullet point benefits for joining and a headline saying "Join FREE Now!") - it would be worth split testing. While your story and concept are interesting, there is a lot of info about you, and not much of the "what's in it for me?" that potential members will want to know.

Despite how many copywriters would have you believe that a salesletter is the only way to sell anything, writing copy is also about knowing the best format for your message - and I believe that in this case, a salesletter may be overkill.

But that is just my 2 cents, you'll need to test it for yourself to find out for sure.

Good luck!

- Cherilyn

I would throw a pre-header on there that gets the reader thinking and perhaps in a bit of a trance. Something like "What Would You Accomplish If You Weren't Holding Yourself Back?"

I would definitely not underline the subheads below it, and I would change them to blue. Leave the main header red, though.

Subheads should always be center aligned.

Also, the copy is decent, but you talk about yourself A LOT.

You're offering something that is going to make someone's life better, right?

Point it out. make them fully aware of how much ass their life is going to kick with your help. Don't imply.

More bullets, and stack them. Write a benefit bullet and then throw a question in parenthesis right behind it, under the same bullet that gets them thinking

An example of this would be:

How one simple technique can give you the confidence of a rockstar, and It's NOT what you think! (Imagine-No more avoiding eye contact when you spot a hottie!)

...once you get them daydreaming about their "new life", keep bringing them back there. Keep them emotional. This is the place that they buy from. They'll justify it later on...

Keep plugging away! Make it about them.

Hope this helps,
~Renee

I really like the beginning, as it sort of grabbed my attention, and helped me read even further. Also, you included a video, which I think is incredibly important right now. Take all the recommendation above, and that letter will really help you go far. I especially liked copyassasins ideas.

The black header and background looks a bit too "Darth Vader" to me. This type of template is getting more popular with designers lately, but I'd redo the color scheme to happier colors.