Would anyone mind critiquing my sales page!

14 replies
Dear all

This is my first attempt at writing any copy. I have read quite a lot from this section of the forum and absorbed (I think) many of your tips.

I would welcome and appreciate any feedback on this sales letter. (The link is in my signature).

The package started as some PLR, which I then rewrote, and got carried away and turned it into (what I think) is a pretty comprehensive package.

Anyway - feedback, criticism...whatever is welcome, also any comments on how to close the letter. Its weak at the end - and so need some advice on that.

Paul
#critique #page
  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    Hi Paul,

    The formatting's a bit sloppy. Your whole headline and deck copy looks very messy, you want to trim quite a bit of it.

    Your prehead doesn't sound quite right, try something to establish your credibility, something like - "Paul Palmer, 20 year veteran of computer software security reveals..."

    You can safely switch the "Dear Friend" to "Dear Worried Parent"

    Separate out your advice on accepting friend requests.

    Consider not saying "Do I know enough about the internet" after you've established yourself as the expert.

    Your bullets are more features than benefits. Look for the advantage to the prospect in your features.

    Don't mention the price until you've gone over everything you're offering.

    What's the benefit of bonus 2? You've stated it for the others. Maybe it's so the whole family can watch it together?

    To close, sum up everything they're getting, explain that your price is a tiny investment for peace of mind, tell them why they need to buy right now and then tell them to buy.

    Hope some of this helps.
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    Andrew Gould

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  • Profile picture of the author Ashley Gable
    Originally Posted by norristudor View Post

    Dear all

    This is my first attempt at writing any copy. I have read quite a lot from this section of the forum and absorbed (I think) many of your tips.

    I would welcome and appreciate any feedback on this sales letter. (The link is in my signature).

    The package started as some PLR, which I then rewrote, and got carried away and turned it into (what I think) is a pretty comprehensive package.

    Anyway - feedback, criticism...whatever is welcome, also any comments on how to close the letter. Its weak at the end - and so need some advice on that.

    Paul
    Well it is kind of weak all over. Your headline isnt going to cut it.

    Here is a part that is not very good either:

    You are about to read some of the most advanced up to date information available to give you complete understanding of what your kids are being exposed to online.
    Only some of the most up to date info? I dont get all of it? No matter how normal is to speak like that, people will take notice to it.

    If it were me I would take the statistics that are a little further down and just put them as the headline. I am only 23 years old, but I would love to have kids, and those statistics made me stop and think, and I dont even have kids.

    Parents who are going to be here are here for one thing, their kids. Not to be technical, not to be better at computers than their kids, just to keep them safe. How ever it is done they dont care, as long as it is something they are capable of.

    It might take some work to rework the statistics into a appealing headline, but it will be a damn site better then it is now.

    Statistics always work, because they are credible. They arent your opinion or someone else opinion, they are data, raw data that gives people a glimpse into what things are really like, use that to your advantage to get their attention and then lead them into the rest of your copy.

    My name is Paul Palmer, and I work for a software company that provides a service on the Internet.
    Also things like that, it doesnt have any impact "service on the internet"? Spice it up a little, make it pop.

    I dont think it is long enough either, you really need to bring up that fear and sell it more. As it is now it is more of a short article with a call to action at the end.


    I would say get your hands on a copywriting book, just by looking through those and "copying" parts it will do much better. But I think you either need to learn a little more or hire someone to write it.

    And once you do learn some more, just start testing, write new headlines, new opening paragraphs, new bullet lists, everything - and test 'em.


    Good Luck!

    Ashley
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  • Profile picture of the author 48dayscoach
    Originally Posted by norristudor View Post

    Dear all

    This is my first attempt at writing any copy. I have read quite a lot from this section of the forum and absorbed (I think) many of your tips.

    I would welcome and appreciate any feedback on this sales letter. (The link is in my signature).

    The package started as some PLR, which I then rewrote, and got carried away and turned it into (what I think) is a pretty comprehensive package.

    Anyway - feedback, criticism...whatever is welcome, also any comments on how to close the letter. Its weak at the end - and so need some advice on that.

    Paul
    Hi Paul... here are a few thoughts.

    First… why should I listen to you? What are your qualifications to talk to me about internet security? What are the credibility factors? What have you accomplished in this field that makes you an authority? Are you using a proven system (if you have no personal credibility)?

    Second… why is the copy centered? It doesn’t look good.

    Third… who says this information is the most advanced and up-to-date? Your existing customers? Some internet watchdog agency? Without substantiating that by a third party… it sounds like hype. If you have something you can quote from the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children here… you’ll be spot on!

    Fourth… a good way to lead in as opposed to – Simple, comprehensive, guaranteed – is to ask the question, “Are you a responsible parent who would love to know 101 of the easiest and fastest ways to guard your children from online content threatening their well-being? If so… this may be the most crucial email you read in 2010….”

    Next… the paragraph immediately following “Scary statistics aren’t they?”, the word ‘resource’ is used twice. Repeating a word in the same sentence/paragraph kills the impact.

    You can tighten this sentence up >>> You may think of the obvious ones, like porn and chat room predators - but have you also considered identity theft and how your kids might be more susceptible to giving away more personal information than you are?

    Instead, try this… The obvious predators hang out in porn and chat rooms. Have you considered identity theft and how your kids might be easily persuaded to giving away vital personal information?

    Instead of: What's worse as parents, is that chat rooms and Internet Messaging (IM) technologies have developed in such a way that the language has evolved to include terms specifically to avoid parents being able to understand the conversation. Its a double edged sword - you are protecting your kids, and your kidsaren't helping!

    How about this?

    On top of that... chat rooms and internet messaging (IM) technologies have developed in such a way... the wording is engineered to lock parents out of the conversation.

    Just a few of my thoughts.

    Best,
    Ramon
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    I think you're off to a good start. Make the text left justified, not centered. I think your headline is okay but could be better. Remember, you're not writing for the IM crowd so it doesn't have to be some in-your-face message.

    Keep in mind that this is a 'fear' market. There are lots of them. Insurance appeals to fear, diet and exercise often appeal to fear, and there are many more products that do. There are two motivators in the world. Pleasure and pain. With some products you appeal to pleasure or rewards. With other products you appeal to pain or unwanted consequences.

    You've got some stats up about what kids might be doing online. They're weak. This is where you lay out some true horror stories and then show how things might have been different in the examples if people had been more aware of certain dangers. Then you explain how your product makes them aware of those dangers.

    There's also the issue of benefits. Benefits almost always appeal to emotions. A major benefit associated with your product is peace of mind. For example:

    Imagine the peace of mind you'll have when you immediately recognize the warning signs that little Harry or Suzie has been clicking through those nasty sites...

    I'm not sure exactly what will give your customers peace of mind for using your product but I'd guess you are. Show it to them and then show them again and before you ask for the sale, sum it all up and show them yet again. Good luck.
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    You need to agitate the fear a LOT more.

    Think of the news... "Next, the common household chemical that will KILL YOUR CHILDREN!"

    The way you've presented the argument at the moment is weak. What about if you found a true story about a kid who was abducted... never to be seen again... after meeting a stranger online? Or raped?

    Not a pleasant topic, I know - but that's the point.

    You need to show these things DO happen, and that your product CAN prevent them.

    You need to make people scared.

    There's other problems - but at the moment it's the biggest.

    -Dan
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    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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  • Profile picture of the author MouseandMice
    Use some Johnson boxes to break things up... it is insanely hard to pick up on anything-- just a lot of white space and regular sized black text...
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  • Profile picture of the author Paul Clifford
    Guys
    Can I just say thanks for all this advice.

    Version 2 rewrite has started!

    Paul
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  • Profile picture of the author Paul Clifford
    Dear All,
    Thanks to the fantastic feedback from you guys I have done a version 2 following your tips and suggestions.

    I must say after reading your pdf's and advice from your own websites - its clear to me that professional copywriting is a true art - and I have no doubt in my mind that if this thing sells, I will be coming back to you for a rewrite to increase the CR.

    I value your time - so you don't need to critique -(unless you want to), but I would like two pieces of advice.

    1) The new headline I have written is a lot harder and more emotionally targetted. BUT I wonder if its a bit overkill - or is my English reserve ;-)

    2) I'm planning a squeeze page before this, and this page will appear on submission of the email. However when I see this type of approach - it puts be off, as I think I'm being tricked into a sales page?
    Just wonder what your thoughts are here?

    Link to page is in my sig.

    thanks for all your help
    Paul
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    • Profile picture of the author Ashley Gable
      Well I think the headline is a lot better, however the first fact may be out of place and may just put them into a state that may not be beneficial to you. However test it because it may just work.

      But I would take out the superscript:

      Paul Bannister, 20 year veteran of computer security reveals...
      As just below that are your sexually orientated facts! It just reads weird because you are giving them a "facts" headline, not a traditional headline - one that implies they will learn something.

      But I like it a lot more!

      Ashley

      Originally Posted by norristudor View Post

      Dear All,
      Thanks to the fantastic feedback from you guys I have done a version 2 following your tips and suggestions.

      I must say after reading your pdf's and advice from your own websites - its clear to me that professional copywriting is a true art - and I have no doubt in my mind that if this thing sells, I will be coming back to you for a rewrite to increase the CR.

      I value your time - so you don't need to critique -(unless you want to), but I would like two pieces of advice.

      1) The new headline I have written is a lot harder and more emotionally targetted. BUT I wonder if its a bit overkill - or is my English reserve ;-)

      2) I'm planning a squeeze page before this, and this page will appear on submission of the email. However when I see this type of approach - it puts be off, as I think I'm being tricked into a sales page?
      Just wonder what your thoughts are here?

      Link to page is in my sig.

      thanks for all your help
      Paul
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      • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
        Hi,

        While the stats are perfect, the headline needs an overarching theme.

        For instance: "Protect Your Kid From Online Predators"

        Or maybe:

        "4 Reasons to Protect Your Kid from Online Predators"

        Then offer up your statistics.

        - Rick Duris
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  • Profile picture of the author MouseandMice
    Again, bro.

    Johnson Boxes.
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    American Business Awards: Named one of their "Marketers of the Year"
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    • Profile picture of the author Paul Clifford
      Originally Posted by MouseandMice View Post

      Again, bro.

      Johnson Boxes.
      no worries mate... I haven't forgotten - I'm planning to put my testimonials in them, In a similar style to the STATISTICS box.
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      • Profile picture of the author MouseandMice
        Originally Posted by norristudor View Post

        no worries mate... I haven't forgotten - I'm planning to put my testimonials in them, In a similar style to the STATISTICS box.
        You should put your products and stuff in them too...
        Signature
        Forbes-Listed: "Ten Consultants Who Avoid the Bullsh*t"
        American Business Awards: Named one of their "Marketers of the Year"
        Plus: A Bunch of Other Awards and Media Placements
        Whatever.

        ***Click Here to Join My 86k+ Followers on Twitter***
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  • Profile picture of the author gkutz1
    I see what you are getting at but for me Give me some more of what you are going to do for me and the pretty butterflies on you grapics would push you point if they where a shark or two. A innocent child about to be taken by a shark!
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