Quick Help - Which Headline Is Better

by Chad Kettner

Posted: 14 years ago 29 replies

COPY WRITING

I'm in a bit of a dispute with a client...

#1
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An exclusive discussion group where you will hear about...

Powerful Strategies To Reach Your Full Potential & Generate Far Higher Results

Join John Doe and Joe Schmoe for an intimate discussion on maximizing your marketing results through the power of low-tension precision marketing.
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OR #2
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Learn about strategies to help you reach your full capability

Join John Doe and Joe Schmoe for an important discussion on the use of precision marketing and focused new client acquisition to close your capability gap.
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Please respond... as this is driving me nuts and I just want to make sure I'm not way off on my belief as to which is better.

#headline #quick

Copydog 14 years ago

Hi Chad

There's no contest -- go for #1.

The electricity's in the adjectives...

Hope this helps.

Eldo
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- Zentech 14 years ago
  
  #1 by far - with all due respect, this client does not know anything about copywriting if he or she thinks there's a contest. "Pull rank" if necessary. If clients don't trust you to know these things, why did they hire you?
  
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Al Robinson 14 years ago

I would go with #1. Also, you might consider this: An exclusive discussion group where you'll learn...

powerful strategies that will help you reach your full potential and generate far better results. Just a thought.
- [ 1 ] Thanks
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- robyna 14 years ago
  
  Not even a contest...#1. It's more powerful and emotion packed.
  
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  Iconik 14 years ago
  
  Hi Chad,
  
  Why don't you run a small test and let the numbers do the talking.
  
  by the way...
  
  You chose headline #1 right? If not, this is going to be an embarrassing test...
  
  Just kidding, my money is on headline #1.
  
  Mike
  
  [ 1 ] Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  Chad Kettner 14 years ago
  
  Thanks everybody - and yeah, I chose #1 and my client re-wrote it to #2 and wants the site to go live today with the #2 headline (for an event on June 9).
  
  Thanks
  
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epreneur 14 years ago

Hello, Chad!

As a student of copywriting for several
years, my answer is headline #1, hands down
for a number of reasons.

First, It's concise. It provides a complete description
of "what it is" and "what it will do".

Next, it's punchy--it's bold, attention getting and
gives a promise with specific results. The second
one is too vague.

Furthermore its subheading does a great job of
accentuating the headline with additional descriptive
information. The second one isn't very descriptive and
uses vague "buzz words" that could be interpreted in a
number of ways.

Also, the first one is benefit-laden and incorporates
psychological elements to draw the reader in; the
second one is "matter-of-fact" and leaves the reader
asking questions like, "What kind of strategies?"
and, "What's a 'capability gap'?"

Hope this helps, Chad.

Seeking YOUR Success,

Stephen Boutelle
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- 1 reply
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- RickDuris 14 years ago
  
  Hi everyone,
  
  Just to be a little provocative:
  
  1. Technically speaking, why is headline #1 better than #2?
  
  2. What's wrong with both of these headlines?
  
  3. Is there a better headline out there?
  
  Allow me to get the ball rolling...
  
  Unfortunately, even though headline #1 is better than headline #2, it's too vague and ambiguous.
  
  "Powerful Strategies To Reach Your Full Potential & Generate Far Higher Results"
  
  What the heck does that mean? It lacks specificity and clarity. No curiousity and has ultra-weak benefit.
  
  I could be talking about a college student, a scriptwriter, a bodybuilder, a kid in little league...
  
  How about:
  
  "'Low Tension' Precision Marketing: A Stunningly Simple Strategy for Achieving Double Digit Growth in the Next 30 Days"
  
  "Three Little-Known Marketing Strategies To DOMINATE Your Competition in the Remainder of 2010"
  
  "Maximize Your Marketing Now: 3 Little-Known Strategies to Achieve Double Digit Growth in the next six months"
  
  Then you can add your sub-head.
  
  With business owners and marketers, always go for the jugular.
  
  Being abstract, ambiguous or cerebral almost never works, unless they already know you can perform.
  
  - Rick Duris
  
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Rezbi

14 years ago

I'm going to spoil it...

While #1 may be the better of the two, neither gives me any real specifics as to why I should do anything.

Try work with #1 and see if you can make it more powerful.

Thanks
1 reply

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tjmiller

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Rezbi

I'm going to spoil it...

While #1 may be the better of the two, neither gives me any real specifics as to why I should do anything.

Try work with #1 and see if you can make it more powerful.

I tend to agree. While #1 is the more powerful headline OF THE TWO it still doesn't completely do it for me.

Here are some initial thoughts:

Powerful Strategies To Reach Your Full Potential (in what?) & Achieve Far Greater (some more specific word)

And then I might combine the two subheads a bit. Kind of like this:

Join John Doe and Joe Schmoe for an intimate discussion on how the use of precision marketing will produce a laser-targeted client acquisition plan that will put you miles ahead of your competition.

(...or something like that. It needs some work.)

Thanks

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metabinltd 14 years ago

I hope you like this, you may have idea #3:

3 Powerful Strategies To Multiply Your Profits At Least Ten-Fold
If you are interested, please read on..

Ask The Experts John Doe and Joe Schmoe how you can implement their 3-step secret "low-tension" marketing strategy.
- Thanks
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Big Al 14 years ago

I'd be more interested in finding out about number #1 so ... looks conclusive!

I'm just not sure if the headline applies to me "... Generate Far Higher Results" in what?!
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The Copy Nazi Banned 14 years ago

Chad, tell your client that's it's almost never "Learn" about something - that implies "work". It's always "discover". Likewise with your prehead. It would be better as

"An exclusive marketing discussion group where you'll discover..."

But even that is pretty tame. I don't know your product or your audience but I'd be looking at putting more excitement in there. Like -

Looking for an inside edge? Don't miss this!

Explosive Marketing Molotovs That Will
Blow Your Mind!

Join John Doe and Joe Schmoe for an exclusive discussion on the amazing power of "low-tension" precision marketing.
------
- Thanks
- 1 reply
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- The Copy Nazi Banned 14 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Ken_Caudill
  
  You should be shot for that.
  
  Turn in you alliteration license.
  
  So do better smartass.
  
  Thanks
  
  2 replies
  
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  RickDuris 14 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Ken_Caudill
  
  Meaty Marketing Mysteries So Hot They Will Explode in Your Pants!
  
  Etc,. etc.
  
  Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!
  
  But I bet somebody's gonna swipe that and use it as an email subject line.
  
  - Rick Duris
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  Rezbi 14 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by RickDuris
  
  Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!
  
  But I bet somebody's gonna swipe that and use it as an email subject line.
  
  - Rick Duris
  
  You know me so well.
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  RickDuris 14 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Rezbi
  
  You know me so well.
  
  Hi Rezbi,
  
  Take out the "will". And you're good to go. Only one request, you have to come back and tell us how it performed.
  
  - Rick Duris
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  Rezbi 14 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by RickDuris
  
  Hi Rezbi,
  
  Take out the "will". And you're good to go. Only one request, you have to come back and tell us how it performed.
  
  - Rick Duris
  
  My list is so conservative they'd probably all opt out if I send something like that. :-)
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  Chad Kettner 14 years ago
  
  Thanks everybody for the great responses...and believe me - I had many other headlines that were more specific and action oriented, but they were all turned down.
  
  He's big on "low-tension".
  
  Furthermore, this isn't your typical webinar. He's not teaching the secrets - so doesn't want "discover" in the headline or anything that implies they will gain any secrets or tips...because they won't. They're just going to hear about them and perhaps go deeper in something later on down the road.
  
  -Chad
  
  Edit: I got approval to split test the two above with these as well:
  
  -----
  An exclusive discussion group where you will hear about...
  
  Powerful Strategies to Make More Money While Working Less Than Ever Before
  
  Join ___ and ___ for a focused discussion on maximizing your marketing results so you can close your capability gap.
  ------
  and...
  -----
  An exclusive discussion group where you will hear about...
  
  The #1 Strategy For Making More Money While Taking Evenings & Weekends Off!
  
  Join ___ and ___ for a focused discussion on maximizing your marketing results so you can close your capability gap.
  ------
  
  And...btw, "capability gap" is a known term for this audience.
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  RickDuris 14 years ago
  
  Hi Chad,
  
  I do not envy you.
  
  1. The new headlines are weak.
  
  2. The content will be weaker. In this business, prospects are expecting you to "show a little leg." I hope you catch my drift.
  
  3. Your results will be pathetic.
  
  No offense to you whatsoever, but you have a Client from H***. They just do not "get it."
  
  If we can help, let us know. But man, you so have your work cut out for you.
  
  - Rick Duris
  
  PS: Here's how "low tension" works online: content, content, content, tease, offer, content, offer, content, tease, etc.
  
  That's not the marketing strategy as you have described and the market will chastise you severely for it. You are expecting to knock it out of the park on one or two emails, and that just won't happen--unless you have already proven your value.
  
  Thanks
  
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  erinwrites 14 years ago
  
  Super Splashtastic Secrets So Sublime Seventy Squatrillion Shopkeepers Should Squeal...With Delight!
  
  Oh wait, you weren't asking for crazy. Of the two? The first is better but why not try to compromise and combine the best of both? Your client wants something to the point. Why not find a way to jazz up yours while shortening it up at the same time?
  
  Thanks
  
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tryinhere 14 years ago

You are invited to
Join John Doe and Joe Schmoe as they offer a unique and rare marketing opportunity
allowing you to achieve comprehensive results starting today
- Thanks
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eaglechick 14 years ago

Good luck with your client!

My vote goes to Rick

At Number 1 - "'Low Tension' Precision Marketing: A Stunningly Simple Strategy for Achieving Double Digit Growth in the Next 30 Days"

Really strong - tells you what it's about - I'll definitely "get sucked in" !
- Thanks
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Rezbi 14 years ago

Originally Posted by Marc Rodill

Sounds like to me you're in good position for getting paid without having to deliver on results.

Unless, of course, he decides to blame the copywriter, despite his interference.
- Thanks
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