Any chance of having a peek...

by idb
25 replies
Hi All,

After a long time coming, I have finally managed to complete the copy for my new website.

I have tweaked this copy considerably from the initial draft and had a few others look at it as well.

The copy I would like you to look at is basically the final copy. I will however run different split tests just to be sure.

So, before I go any further, it would be great if you guys would be able to take a few minutes and have a quick peak.

I am sure there are a lot of things that have been missed or could be worded better...

Here is the link:
Latest Software Offer

If you are curious and want to have a look at the software, let me know and I will happily organize a review copy for you.

Thanks in advance for any help. You input is greatly appreciated.


John

Here is the link:

Latest Software Offer
#affiliate #chance #clickbank #copy #copywriter #critique #peek
  • Profile picture of the author Zentech
    It needs some work. There are grammar errors, clumsy phrasing, and ineffective wordings. It's a fairly bad sales letter overall. Looks like an awesome product, though. I'm very into astronomy.
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    • Profile picture of the author idb
      Originally Posted by Zentech View Post

      It needs some work. There are grammar errors, clumsy phrasing, and ineffective wordings. It's a fairly bad sales letter overall. Looks like an awesome product, though. I'm very into astronomy.
      Hi Z, thanks for pointing this out, I agree it does need a bit of a tweak. I will flick a PM to you shortly for some details from you just so you can have a play.


      Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

      [FONT=Courier New]Hi idb,

      Please organize a review copy for me. Thank you in advance. Just PM me.
      Hi Rick thanks for the brilliant input. more than interested in your proposal as well, details sent to you. Let em know what you think


      Originally Posted by Hans Klein View Post

      The first thing that hit me is that the headline says, "Finally what astronomers have been looking for", but the market seems like it would be amateurs and so I am think you need to put the word "amateurs" upfront somewhere. Make it clear who this is for.
      This is a very good point, I think I was going for to wide a net. Also agree with the video idea I will get onto this.

      Updates and version number, great point again.

      just sent a PM, let me know if you are interested.

      Originally Posted by Rezbi View Post

      Got to agree with Rick.

      Wish I had the time to review this. It looks like you're onto something.
      just sent a PM, with review copy details needed from you. Hopefully you are right, my research shows this could be huge.

      Originally Posted by Metronicity View Post

      Go for the jugular -

      "Now you can explore the galaxy in glorious 3D!"
      Brilliant this just sold me, look forward to seeing what you can do...
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    Originally Posted by idb View Post

    Hi All,

    After a long time coming, I have finally managed to complete the copy for my new website.

    I have tweaked this copy considerably from the initial draft and had a few others look at it as well.

    The copy I would like you to look at is basically the final copy. I will however run different split tests just to be sure.

    So, before I go any further, it would be great if you guys would be able to take a few minutes and have a quick peak.

    I am sure there are a lot of things that have been missed or could be worded better...

    Here is the link:
    Latest Software Offer

    If you are curious and want to have a look at the software, let me know and I will happily organize a review copy for you.

    Thanks in advance for any help. You input is greatly appreciated.


    John

    Here is the link:

    Latest Software Offer
    Hi idb,

    Please organize a review copy for me. Thank you in advance. Just PM me.

    If this really does what it says it does, you are going to make a fortune. Oh my goodness.

    Here's my biggest piece of advice right now...

    Focus, focus, focus on the AMATEUR astronomer as well as science teachers. There's probably less than 1000 professional astronomers in the US.

    Your market is the SCI-FY channel folks. Self proclaimed GEEKS.

    If you have what I think you have, you have Google Earth for a tiny portion of the Milky Way.

    That's cool, no matter how you look at it.

    Best of success,

    - Rick Duris

    PS: I started playing around with the lead deck but I don't quite have it.

    But here's a piece of the lead deck to play on:

    "...And go where no man has gone before..." - Gene Rodenbury, Originator of Star Trek

    PPS: And yes, the copy is clunky as someone said. But that's rather easily overcome-able assuming you have the goods.

    PPPS. Astronomy is a passion of mine. PM me and I will help you.

    PPPPS: I'd also JV with telescope companies.
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    • Profile picture of the author Hans Klein
      The first thing that hit me is that the headline says, "Finally what astronomers have been looking for", but the market seems like it would be amateurs and so I am think you need to put the word "amateurs" upfront somewhere. Make it clear who this is for.

      The next easy upgrade you can make is to make a screen cam recording. Software is hard to imagine with just words. This is why I like to go through software and NOT just point out the features.... but, show an actual example of using it. Take your prospects on a "journey" and have them imagine using it.

      So, you'd actually show this, "Now you can get up close and personal with the rings of Saturn, hover over Jupiter, the largest planet in our solar system or visit the blazing surface of the sun. Then why not travel out to the stars, and beyond the Milky Way galaxy. The possibilities are endless..."

      The screen shots are good... but, video makes it come to life.

      * You talk about free upgrades. Maybe mention how many times it's already been upgraded or that you have an upgrade in the works. Also, if this is already the 2nd or 3rd version, then don't just call it "3D astronomer" , but it's "3D Astronomer 3.0."

      It's the latest technology and there's nothing else that comes close to the experience of using it.

      * Take off the FAQ page link or make it easy to read and follow. The FAQ's should be your answers to objections the prospect (not the customer) has.

      * Finally, why is it that your target audience (let's say amateurs) got interested in space? Why are they passionate about it? Early in your copy, bring them back to this place. Romanticize their passion. Tell them it's worthwhile.

      Expand on this copy, "As children, we dream of someday exploring the great unknown, flying through Outer Space and discovering what really exists in the vast Universe that lays beyond our Earth’s atmosphere.

      The sad reality is that unless you are an astronaut or have hundreds of thousands of dollars to catch a ride into outer space, chances are the closest you will ever get to the stars is your own backyard on a clear night."
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  • Profile picture of the author Rezbi
    Got to agree with Rick.

    Wish I had the time to review this. It looks like you're onto something.
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Go for the jugular -

    "Now you can explore the galaxy in glorious 3D!"
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    • Profile picture of the author dtendrich
      Hey there idb,

      My first thoughts on your page are that it's a really great start. It doesn't have the feeling that so much copy does of trying to "cram" the message down my throat. It feels really approachable, and fun even. It's a light read.

      I too have some problems with the current headline. My thoughts on Metronicity's idea...

      Originally Posted by Metronicity View Post

      Go for the jugular -

      "Now you can explore the galaxy in glorious 3D!"
      It's a cool start. I like the direction of this. As it is now I think it would make a great sub-head somewhere down the page, but infused with some good TM research it could be made into a real "jugular-going" headline.

      From a first glance it seems the real hook of this software is you get to feel like you're really flying through outer-space. You get to forget even, for just a moment, that it's just a 3D rendering.

      You get to unveil the great mystery of the night sky that's been with you since you first set eyes on it. You get to explore those bright shining bullets of neighboring planets, and see what they're like up close and personal. Makes me wonder what kinds of colors and shapes and swirls of naturally-occurring chemistry I'll find.

      I'm kinda selling myself here just thinking about it

      But anyway, I'd make my headline capture that feeling, and inspire it in the reader.

      I'd have to do target market research to find out what people really want out of the software, but from what I've read on your page, and the pictures I've seen, right now my hunch is I'd first want to draw out the feelings of wonder and awe. Then I'd want to show the reader how the software brings that feeling to life.

      Really though there's no way of knowing without getting to know the TM, but that's my first hunch.

      Oh, also, in skimming I just found this:

      "Have you ever stared at the sky, and wondered what is up there?
      Are you fascinated by the 'vastness' and amazing scenery in space?
      Are you already a 'hobbyist' astronomer but want to learn more?
      Are you looking for an easier way to explain the earth, the cosmos and the stars?
      Would a complete 3D Astronomical application help with your everyday job?
      Or do you just want to have fun with a more interesting and educational software package?"


      That's really good stuff man. I'd put that much closer to the top.

      Best of luck with this I think it's really cool that you're supporting wonder and awe. I'm big fans of both.

      David




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  • Profile picture of the author MouseandMice
    I agree with Mal. Let them know the second they read the headline what they are in for-- No B.S. or grandiose language.

    Space is something that many people are interested in one way or another, so the hook is already there.
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  • Profile picture of the author Zentech
    Yeah, if you get the copy tightened up and tweaked, this is gonna sell. I'd consider buying it myself. Space is awesome.
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Here's your head, Dude.

    "Now you can
    Explore the Galaxy
    in Glorious 3D!



    ...to boldly go where no man has gone before
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  • Profile picture of the author Zentech
    Probably ought to be "no one" rather than "no man" in this day and age, unless he doesn't plan on any female customers. Even Star Trek changed this years ago.
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    • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
      Banned
      Originally Posted by Zentech View Post

      Probably ought to be "no one" rather than "no man" in this day and age, unless he doesn't plan on any female customers. Even Star Trek changed this years ago.
      Sacrilege! The original quote is:
      Space... the Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before.
      So what would you do with the word "mankind"? Change it to "peoplekind"?

      BTW The opening line, "to boldly go where no man has gone before," was taken almost verbatim from a US White House booklet on space produced after the Sputnik flight in 1957. This one - Introduction to Outer Space (1958)
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      • Profile picture of the author Darrel Hawes
        John,

        A couple things.

        1. Unless there's something unique about the astronomy market - where this isn't "cool" - try and get first and last names for your testimonials, and a location if at all possible.

        2. Work on the section where you say the product is for "everyone".

        This is problematic for multiple reasons.

        One is that it just sounds hypey.

        Another is you're not making the prospect feel the product is just right for them, if it's designed for "everyone".

        Finally, some people just aren't interested in astronomy at all. So your product is not for them, right? You could spin that idea and scoff (subtly, perhaps) at them.

        I'm sure you'll continue to get some great advice on the headline, lead, and bullets. Those should be tackled first.

        As for the product itself, I share Rick's enthusiasm. Looks like you have a winner to me!
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        • Profile picture of the author Zentech
          So what would you do with the word "mankind"? Change it to "peoplekind"?
          Hehe, don't blame me. I always use the masculine in my personal writing and occasionally get chewed out for it, but I could care less. In sales writing, however, one has to make some concessions to the PC zeitgeist, unless one is willing to risk losing some sales.
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          • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
            Banned
            Originally Posted by Zentech View Post

            Hehe, don't blame me. I always use the masculine in my personal writing and occasionally get chewed out for it, but I could care less. In sales writing, however, one has to make some concessions to the PC zeitgeist, unless one is willing to risk losing some sales.
            I don't make any concessions to Politically Correct BS. Far as I'm concerned copy is like comedy - there's always gonna be some jerk that takes offense at your material. But changing an important word on a quote that everyone knows, is just patently ridiculous, Man.

            Gee...lucky you're a male, man or I'd have to say woman, man.
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  • Profile picture of the author Johnny12345
    Originally Posted by idb View Post

    So, before I go any further, it would be great if you guys would be able to take a few minutes and have a quick peak.
    John,

    I didn't read more than two words on the entire sales page. Why?

    Because I went directly to what everybody wants to see most -- the images!

    You're trying to sell a product that provides a highly VISUAL experience. And to do that you're using tiny, little thumbnails?!?!?!

    At the very least, your thumbnails should link to larger versions of the images. Use that eye candy to sell your software.

    Regards,

    John

    P.S. Congrats -- it looks like a very cool program.
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    • Profile picture of the author Zentech
      But changing an important word on a quote that everyone knows, is just patently ridiculous, Man.
      Then why did Gene Roddenberry do it (or agree to it) for his later shows?

      It's no big issue, just a thing. If you have customers to burn in order to hold yourself above "politically correct BS," be my guest. Maybe you're just good enough that it doesn't matter.
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      • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
        Originally Posted by Zentech View Post

        Then why did Gene Roddenberry do it (or agree to it) for his later shows?

        It's no big issue, just a thing. If you have customers to burn in order to hold yourself above "politically correct BS," be my guest. Maybe you're just good enough that it doesn't matter.
        Here's why what Metronicity said is accurate.

        "... to boldly go where know man has gone before..." is a long established meme. The "no one" version is not. It's actually more of an interrupt.

        At least in the US, that phrase is lodged in our cultural memory. Put that phrase into the copy and people know EXACTLY what you mean. Oh my goodness. You get so much leverage it's absolutely unbelievable.

        I think you might need an ultra-strong subhead below the main head, but you might as well just put the [BUY] button right below it.

        Best of success,

        - Rick Duris
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  • Profile picture of the author Zentech
    OK, I'm gonna concede this one to you, Rick. I've read enough of your posts here to have a high respect for your skills. I think Metronicity is good too, but it just seemed like something that might be off-putting to some female customers. I guess it's worthwhile to capitalize on the original Star trek meme, though.

    Thanks,
    -Z
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    • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
      Hi Zentech,

      Thank you for the compliment.

      Here's the thing: If you're an amateur astronomer, male or female, those words send chills up your spine. Those words are immortal in the hearts of every would-be astronaut--and there are a lot of them.

      Now I may be dating myself, but there's only one other phrase that might have more impact:

      "One small step for man..." and you can fill in the rest.

      And just imagine what can be done with future pacing. Oh my goodness.

      "Imagine for a moment, you could see what Neil Armstrong saw when he and Buzz Aldrin landed on the moon..."

      And of course, that phrase can be leveraged too.

      - Rick Duris






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      • Profile picture of the author idb
        Originally Posted by MouseandMice View Post

        I agree with Mal. Let them know the second they read the headline what they are in for-- No B.S. or grandiose language.

        Space is something that many people are interested in one way or another, so the hook is already there.
        Yes I think he may have hit it with this and his line..

        Originally Posted by Darrel Hawes View Post

        John,

        A couple things.

        1. Unless there's something unique about the astronomy market - where this isn't "cool" - try and get first and last names for your testimonials, and a location if at all possible.

        2. Work on the section where you say the product is for "everyone".

        This is problematic for multiple reasons.

        As for the product itself, I share Rick's enthusiasm. Looks like you have a winner to me!
        I will see if I can use the people names, I suppose it would add a lot of credibility. Just sent a pm just with details needed for a review copy if you are interested

        Originally Posted by Johnny12345 View Post

        John,

        I didn't read more than two words on the entire sales page. Why?


        P.S. Congrats -- it looks like a very cool program.
        Thanks for the great tips, I will get larger click-able screen shots ready +increase the size of the thumbs.
        Just sent a pm just with details needed for a review copy if you are interested
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  • Profile picture of the author idb
    Hi All,

    I said I would let you know about the new copy once it was available.

    Have a look and let me know what you think...


    Original Copy:

    3D Astronomer


    New Copy:

    3D Astronomer


    Thanks

    John
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    IDB,

    I may be wrong here, but if I were you I wouldn't be selling this via a long-page sales letter.

    Sacrilege, I know.

    I'd be looking at how guys like Microsoft and Adobe sell their software and copying some of their ideas.

    You've already got the kind of phrasing they use... you just need to put it into a different format.

    I also think a video showing what the software could do would help a lot.

    My advice is to hash this out with an EXPERIENCED web designer who has had experience at this type of thing...

    ...then try to sell it via CNet and places like that.

    Just my thoughts.

    -Dan
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  • Profile picture of the author colmodwyer
    --> Google Sky

    I've not read your copy word for word, but I assume the difference with your product and Google's is the "3D" bit?

    In which case you might want to make that clearer as that's your USP.

    My first thought at seeing your page was, Google probably do this already... and it's probably free. If that's what your prospects are thinking too, then their next thought is going to be...

    "Why should I get 3D Astronomer at $49.95 when Google Sky is FREE?"

    So you need to tell em' why and tell em' good. Make the comparison and then lay on the benefits of 3D over 2D nice and hard.

    Also, I think Mal is spot on with the headline. Go direct, first...

    But I'd also test an angle on "My Very Elderly Mother Just Sat Up Near Pluto" (good idea here, not sure about the wording though) and definitely something like "What Would Happen If You Farted In a Space Suit?"

    In my mind, a headline like the latter could have blockbuster potential. Very Botton-Line, Mel Martin-esque!

    You'd want to be a heck of a copywriter to carry it on from there and make the transition in the software though - maybe Rick will do a deal with you...

    Colm
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    • Profile picture of the author CopyMonster
      To me it sounds like you're selling a piece of software. Why not sell the adventure... yes, the software/application is the gateway, but the real thing you should be selling is the adventure. Throw in a bit of story...

      "Wanted: Strong man or woman for the adventure of a lifetime... must like excitement and enjoy discovering new things..."

      THIS: "Explore the Galaxy in Glorious 3D from your PC" seems too vanilla - it might work if there's nothing else around like it, but my man-on-the-street guess would be that there are alternatives.

      Note, I'm not an "astro-nut" by any means so it could be that I'm just not in the market.

      Just a thought.
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      Scary good...
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