Need to improve sales copy for an ebay item. Help!

9 replies
Hi guys,

I need some suggestions on improving the sales copy for this acne treatment cream that's on sale on ebay. It wasn't written by myself. What I'd like to do is to improve the conversion rate and maybe increase the price for it.

I normally go for the conversational approach myself, as in writing the sales copy as if I'm having a chat with the customer. I was wondering if you could critique the sales copy I'm thinking of using:








You've got acne right?

It bothers you doesn't it?

Your getting fed up wasting your money on expensive creams that don't work aren't you?

Well imagine this..
You’ve woken up ..
Gone to the bathroom…
Looked in the mirror and…
WOW!!! Your Acne’s all gone!!
Imagine how happy you’d feel, imagine the confidence boost it would give you!

If I could give you an inexpensive acne cream that's guaranteed to clear up your skin and boost your confidence and sense of wellbeing.. that would be great wouldn't it?


Well let me tell you a secret...

Here's a cream that, for the price of a meal at mcdonalds, will give you a significant improvement in the condition of your skin wiithin 7 days!

This is a rock solid guarantee and if you're not absolutely 100% happy you'll get your money back

Got sensitive skin? No worries this cream is specially formulated for senstive skin and works without irritating your skin.

This cream works on Acne, Pimples, Blackheads, Spots, Whiteheads and will leave your skin looking healthy and clear.

You do want healthy and clear skind don't you?

If the answer is yes and you want it quickly press the buy it now button RIGHT NOW!
Still got questions?
I’ve taken the liberty of answering your question here:
Q: What are the ingredients?
A: Aqua, Cetearyl Alcohol, Glyceryl Stearate, PEG-100 Stearate, Caprylic/Capric Triglyceride, Glycerin, Sulphur, Salicylic Acid, Phenoxyethanol, Melaleuca Alternifolia (Tea Tree Oil), Polysorbate 80, Xanthan Gum, Imidazolidinyl Urea, Methylparaben, Butylparaben, Ethylparaben, Isobutylparaben, Propylparaben.
Q: Is it tested on animals?
A: No. Ultraclear Acne Cream is 100% cruelty free. No animal testing.
Q: How do I use the cream?
A: You can apply the Acne cream once, twice or three times per day. I would recommend twice a day to start with - first thing in the morning after washing and the same at night before bed. The cream acts as a moisturiser so won't dry your skin out and is easily absorbed. Each 50 gram pot will last you 4-6 weeks depending on how regularly you use the cream.
Q: How long does the cream take to work?
A: This can vary from person to person. Some people notice an improvement after one or two days. Others take longer to notice the benefits. Everyone should notice the difference after 14 days.
If you want:
  • A fantastic improvement to your skin normally within just seven days.
  • A cream that will rid you of blackheads, whiteheads, pimples, spots and acne.
  • A cream that will make your skin look better, will make you feel better, and will make your skin feel clear and look healthy.
You need to press the buy it now button right now!


Well guys what do you think? Am I going down the wrong path with this style of sales copy? What would you change if it were your listing?

Your help would be gratefully recieved!

Jacob
#copy #ebay #improve #item #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Dietriffic
    I'm no copywriter, but the first line puts me off for some reason.

    Maybe it's because if someone is reading that, obviously they've got acne.

    Response to the question isn't "yes"... it's "duh!"

    I can't help you make it better though, I don't think
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    Weight loss/fitness marketers earn 75% per sale with... The Fat Reversal Formula
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    Your copy is okay but you need to make it more personal and push some of the emotional buttons harder. Stuff like:

    Have you ever had a serious acne outbreak just before a really special date?

    Are you the only one in your circle of friends who hasn't outgrown your embarrassing acne problem yet?

    Are you sick and tired of the steady rejection that seems to follow you and your acne problem?

    Well, we at acne cure miracles (or whatever) know exactly how you feel. Many of the folks that helped developed this extraordinary acne treatment had serious acne themselves (only use this if it's true or develop it as a user that experienced the 'acne breakthrough' yourself, if it applies)

    My point is you need to get inside the head of someone who suffers from the embarrassment, shame and any other unpleasant emotion associated with the condition and then present your potion as the solution.

    You've got a bit of that in your copy but it needs much more. You also need to get a proofreader. Good luck...
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    • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
      Hi Jacob,

      travlinguy is onto something.

      I'd actually drive it deeper and I'll bet you hit a nerve.

      Folks with acne are shy. Why? Because they are self conscious. People with acne think when they talk with people, the person talking with them is looking at their acne and not at them.

      Being self conscious all the time is no fun. It's emotionally painful. You can't enjoy activities with other people, you can't be self-expressed, you can't enjoy your life to the fullest.

      It's lonely much of the time. It's like a self-imposed prison except there are no bars.

      But there is a key, there is a way out. And that is... your product.[end]

      Now having said that, I'd also test one specifically for girls v. guys.

      - Rick Duris

      Signature
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    • Profile picture of the author Jacob Anthony
      Originally Posted by Dietriffic View Post

      I'm no copywriter, but the first line puts me off for some reason.

      Maybe it's because if someone is reading that, obviously they've got acne.

      Response to the question isn't "yes"... it's "duh!"

      I can't help you make it better though, I don't think
      Although you may think it's daft, the questions are designed to get the customer to say "yes" throughout the sales pitch. It's also what I call qualifying the potential customer.

      Originally Posted by travlinguy View Post

      Your copy is okay but you need to make it more personal and push some of the emotional buttons harder. Stuff like:

      Have you ever had a serious acne outbreak just before a really special date?

      Are you the only one in your circle of friends who hasn't outgrown your embarrassing acne problem yet?

      Are you sick and tired of the steady rejection that seems to follow you and your acne problem?

      Well, we at acne cure miracles (or whatever) know exactly how you feel. Many of the folks that helped developed this extraordinary acne treatment had serious acne themselves (only use this if it's true or develop it as a user that experienced the 'acne breakthrough' yourself, if it applies)

      My point is you need to get inside the head of someone who suffers from the embarrassment, shame and any other unpleasant emotion associated with the condition and then present your potion as the solution.

      You've got a bit of that in your copy but it needs much more. You also need to get a proofreader. Good luck...
      Thank so much for that travlinguy! I was trying to push the emotional buttons but I wasn't sure quite how far to push them.

      Here's another one I did for an Iphone silicone case, let me know what you think!
      You've got an iPhone right?

      Great aren't they?

      They're really good looking phones aren't they?

      They work really well don't they?

      In fact you'd be lost without your wouldn't you?

      Now imagine this...

      You rushing out the door to meet your mates, you pull out your phone to ring them and ...

      OOPS! Your phone slips out of your hand...

      ...you stand there horrified, watching helplessly as your phone tumbles to the floor....

      ...your phone is just about to hit the floor when...

      ....PAUSE!!!!

      There are 2 possible endings to this story:

      1) You have'nt invested in a silicone case for your iPhone and it smashes to the floor wrecking any good looks it had and causing serious damage to the phone.

      OR

      2) You protected your phone with a silicone case from yoursite.com and it simply bounces on impact with just a scuff on the silicone case.

      If you want to protect your £500 iPhone for less than the price of a pack of cigarettes...

      Press the BUY IT NOW button now!

      Signature

      Need help building your reputation as a single person, business owner? I can help by teaching consistency in simplicity for building your better business reputation.

      Join my free business mindset group on facebook

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      • Profile picture of the author Dietriffic
        Originally Posted by Jacob Anthony View Post

        Although you may think it's daft, the questions are designed to get the customer to say "yes" throughout the sales pitch. It's also what I call qualifying the potential customer.
        I don't think it's daft, and I understand the logic behind asking questions to get 'yes' answers.

        But...

        It's not a TV ad marketing to a general audience. People who click on the listing have obviously got acne. You don't need to get their attention. You just need to sell the benefits of your product over others.

        Iconik has just nailed this.
        Signature

        — Melanie (RD)

        Weight loss/fitness marketers earn 75% per sale with... The Fat Reversal Formula
        Join me: Twitter and Facebook

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  • Profile picture of the author Zentech
    Are You Tired of Living With Acne When Product After Product Just Doesn't Work?

    Are you getting fed up with wasting your time and money on expensive creams that don't do anything but clean your face and leave your zits sparkling?


    Imagine this..
    You wake up ..
    Go to the bathroom...
    Look in the mirror and...


    WOW!!! Your acne is ALL gone!!


    Imagine how happy you'd feel, and the confidence boost it would give you!

    If I could give you an inexpensive acne cream that's guaranteed to clear up your skin and boost your confidence and sense of well-being... wouldn't that be great?


    Well, let me tell you a secret...

    Here's a cream that, for the price of a meal at McDonalds, will give you a significant improvement in the condition of your skin within 7 days!

    This is a rock solid guarantee. If you're not absolutely 100% happy you'll get your money back.

    Got sensitive skin? No worries - this cream is specially formulated for sensitive skin and works without irritating your skin.

    This cream works on Acne, Pimples, Blackheads, Spots, Whiteheads - and it will leave your skin looking healthy and clear.

    You do want healthy, clear skin don't you?

    If the answer is yes and you want it quickly press the buy it now button RIGHT NOW!


    Still got questions?


    I've taken the liberty of answering your questions here:


    Q: What are the ingredients?
    A: Aqua, Cetearyl Alcohol, Glyceryl Stearate, PEG-100 Stearate, Caprylic/Capric Triglyceride, Glycerin, Sulphur, Salicylic Acid, Phenoxyethanol, Melaleuca Alternifolia (Tea Tree Oil), Polysorbate 80, Xanthan Gum, Imidazolidinyl Urea, Methylparaben, Butylparaben, Ethylparaben, Isobutylparaben, Propylparaben.
    Q: Is it tested on animals?
    A: No. Ultraclear Acne Cream is 100% cruelty free. No animal testing.


    Q: How do I use the cream?
    A: You can apply the Acne cream once, twice or three times per day. I would recommend twice a day to start with - first thing in the morning after washing and the same at night before bed. The cream acts as a moisturiser so won't dry your skin out and is easily absorbed. Each 50 gram pot will last you 4-6 weeks depending on how regularly you use the cream.


    Q: How long does the cream take to work?
    A: This can vary from person to person. Some people notice an improvement after one or two days. Others take longer to notice the benefits. Everyone should notice the difference after 14 days.
    If you want:
    • A fantastic improvement to your skin normally within just seven days
    • A cream that will rid you of blackheads, whiteheads, pimples, spots and acne
    • A cream that will make your skin look better, will make you feel better, and will make your skin feel clear and look healthy
    You need to press the buy it now button right now!
    Signature
    * Stupid Offer: Killer Sales Letters ***$897*** Just For Warriors. Ethical Clients & Legit Products Only. *
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  • Profile picture of the author Zentech
    The above is not a re-write, just a little tweaking and clean-up. The copy still isn't the best it could be, but I don't do full re-writes free. Even this much will help, though. Best of luck.
    Signature
    * Stupid Offer: Killer Sales Letters ***$897*** Just For Warriors. Ethical Clients & Legit Products Only. *
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    • Profile picture of the author Jacob Anthony
      Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

      Hi Jacob,

      travlinguy is onto something.

      I'd actually drive it deeper and I'll bet you hit a nerve.

      Folks with acne are shy. Why? Because they are self conscious. People with acne think when they talk with people, the person talking with them is looking at their acne and not at them.

      Being self conscious all the time is no fun. It's emotionally painful. You can't enjoy activities with other people, you can't be self-expressed, you can't enjoy your life to the fullest.

      It's lonely much of the time. It's like a self-imposed prison except there are no bars.

      But there is a key, there is a way out. And that is... your product.[end]

      Now having said that, I'd also test one specifically for girls v. guys.

      - Rick Duris
      Originally Posted by Zentech View Post

      The above is not a re-write, just a little tweaking and clean-up. The copy still isn't the best it could be, but I don't do full re-writes free. Even this much will help, though. Best of luck.
      Thanks so much guys for your support! You posted before I could finish my reply to the other posts!

      Much appreciated guys!


      Jacob
      Signature

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  • Profile picture of the author Zentech
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    • Profile picture of the author Iconik
      Hi Jacob,

      eBay is a different kind of animal. I would write my listing
      to look less like a salesletter and more like an informational
      pitch (Please, test this as it's the only way to know for sure)

      Why?

      Because people browsing on eBay do not need to be 'sold'
      as hard on the particular problem they are trying to find
      a solution for. If you land on a page for acne medication
      you really don't need to be told about all of the problems
      and social stigma's that are attached to acne.

      Most likely you have already perused a number of similar
      listings and what you are looking for are answers to
      specific questions;

      • How long will it take for this product to work?
      • What proof do I have that it can work?
      • Are there any side effects to using this product?
      • How difficult is it to use?

      For the layout of your listing I would look at the listings
      of a few powersellers as they have proven that their
      listings pull. See if you can uncover why their listings
      end in purchases.
      (From what I've seen the vast majority of powersellers
      are not using the traditional salesletter format to sell
      their products. But you won't know for sure until you
      run a test.)

      Try testing the following approach against your
      current control.

      Start by simply answering their questions:

      Q. (How long will it take for this product to work?)

      Headline: Clear Skin in 7 Days -- Guaranteed

      Note: Test with and without 'Guaranteed' in your
      headline as I have a feeling that this may turn off
      a number of customers.

      Q. (What proof do I have that it can work?)

      PROOF: After your headline include some before
      and after pictures of people who have used
      your product.

      Than a few testimonials from users regarding
      the effectiveness of your product.

      {i.e."Big Daddy Pimp-L Acne Solution cleared up my acne in only 5 days! Plus it tastes great on toast!")

      Q. (Are there any side effects to using this product?)

      Quell this concern by using the facts. Tell them that
      your product has been lab tested and FDA approved.
      Tell them about how your product uses only organic
      tea extract or mint juniper for a non-abrasive and
      gentle experience every time they use your product.

      More testimonials from users heralding the safety
      of your product.

      (i.e. "Every time I use 'Pimple-Stilt-Skin Acne Fighting Creme' my skin feels like it's been bathed under a tropical waterfall. It's like I just douched my face!")
      [OK, maybe not... but you get the point]

      Q. (How difficult is it to use?)

      One application before you go to bed is all you need.
      While you sleep the gentle cleaning power of 'Zit Sh*t'
      will go to work ridding you of unwanted blemishes and
      leaving you with a clean and healthy complexion.

      More testimonials glorifying the ease of use of
      your product.

      (i.e. "I LOVE 'Puss Sucker Acne Vacuum'. I can dab it on the problem spots right before bed time and be assured that my pimples will be gone by morning! And because I only have to apply it once a day I don't have to worry about working it into my busy schedule like other acne solutions. Plus it tastes GREAT!")

      Anyway, I hope you sell a lot of acne medication.

      Good luck Jacob,

      Mike
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