Critique My Sales Copy Please - Thanks So Much For Your Time

17 replies
*** EDIT ***

I have taken a few of everyone's suggestions, and created another draft of my copy. Some things such as the guarantee and the pics of the WF reviews I'll deal with later. For now I'm focusing on the rest of the copy.I really appreciate everyone's help.

Here is the original...

http://thekeywordresearchshortcut.com/

Perhaps you would be willing to read over my new version and tell me what you think.


http://thekeywordresearchshortcut.com/control2.html

Thanks everyone!
Derek
#copy #critique #sales #time
  • Profile picture of the author metabinltd
    You don't really give away anything that is of value that people can try then come back to you once they see that you know what you are talking about.

    I think the headline could do with being reworded as well, there is a disconnect "uncover profitable buying keywords" - be straight to the point, this is what i came up with in about 30 seconds:

    "In Just 4 Minutes I'll Show You My Secret-Ninja Keyword Secrets to Get A Truckload Of Cash In Your Bank Account On Autopilot!"

    Please read on if you want to know more...

    Apart from that its a great start!
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    • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
      Thanks for the great feedback. Headlines are so important, so I appreciate any suggestions.

      Originally Posted by metabinltd View Post

      You don't really give away anything that is of value that people can try then come back to you once they see that you know what you are talking about.
      I understand what you're saying. The only problem is I don't want them to go away and come back later. I want them to BUY NOW!

      All the best,
      Derek
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      Thousands of happy Warriors agree...
      This service is a MUST - so worth it - Barry C.
      Derek is a keyword genius - Alan W.
      The results are incredible - page one already! - Navia B.
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      • Profile picture of the author jukeboxhero
        1. "Maybe you've already bought the latest and greatest blueprint to $1,000 a day"

        Very weak opener... I don't even know what a $1,000 a day is...

        2. "I can relate to the frustration you might be feeling right now"
        Don't tell them you can relate... Just relate. It's the difference between telling somebody your funny and telling them a good joke.


        3. If you're going to use trial closes my experience has been to put a word link... NOT an add to cart button all over your site.

        4. What's with the underlined bullets the entire thing...

        There's a start....
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        If Copywriting Legends Like John Carlton, Gary Halbert and Even Franky Kern Recommend

        >>>> This <<<<

        Shouldn't You Pay Attention
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        • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
          Originally Posted by jukeboxhero View Post

          1. "Maybe you've already bought the latest and greatest blueprint to $1,000 a day"

          Very weak opener... I don't even know what a $1,000 a day is...
          I wasn't referring to actually making $1,000 a day, but rather an IM product that purportedly teaches you how to make said amount.

          Could definitely use some work though.


          Originally Posted by jukeboxhero View Post

          3. If you're going to use trial closes my experience has been to put a word link... NOT an add to cart button all over your site.
          I noticed you have an "Add To Cart" image in your sig file sales page, but it's not click-able. Is this what you were referring too?



          Originally Posted by jukeboxhero View Post

          4. What's with the underlined bullets the entire thing...
          I'm not sure what you're referring to here. Would you mind clarifying?

          Thanks for your feedback.

          Derek
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          Thousands of happy Warriors agree...
          This service is a MUST - so worth it - Barry C.
          Derek is a keyword genius - Alan W.
          The results are incredible - page one already! - Navia B.
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  • Profile picture of the author Iconik
    Here is a headline you can try.

    -------Start Headline-------

    Suck Your Niche Dry -- How to Squeeze Out & Exploit 100% of The Highly Profitable and Low Competition Keywords For Any Niche in 6 Minutes or Less!

    -------END-------

    I got the 6 minutes from the testimonial above your first add to cart button.

    From the testimonials, the product sounds great.

    Mike
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    • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
      Originally Posted by Iconik View Post

      Here is a headline you can try.

      -------Start Headline-------

      Suck Your Niche Dry -- How to Squeeze Out & Exploit 100% of The Highly Profitable and Low Competition Keywords For Any Niche in 6 Minutes or Less!

      -------END-------

      I got the 6 minutes from the testimonial above your first add to cart button.

      From the testimonials, the product sounds great.

      Mike
      Thanks for the great headline suggestion Mike (as well as the positive comments about my site).
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      Thousands of happy Warriors agree...
      This service is a MUST - so worth it - Barry C.
      Derek is a keyword genius - Alan W.
      The results are incredible - page one already! - Navia B.
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    The biggest problem is you're selling keyword research software.

    You should be selling the sizzle - not the steak.

    In other words, you really have to hammer how important and lucrative keyword research is... how it separates the winners from the losers... how without it, your online business is SCREWED.

    At the moment, your copy doesn't sell that idea.

    You also need more credibility - why is your software best? What does it do Market Samurai or KE2 doesn't? How did it come about? Etc.

    I can tell you've put work into this but it needs a lot more beefing up before it's ready for launch.

    -Dan
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    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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    • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
      Originally Posted by Daniel Scott View Post

      The biggest problem is you're selling keyword research software.

      You should be selling the sizzle - not the steak.

      In other words, you really have to hammer how important and lucrative keyword research is... how it separates the winners from the losers... how without it, your online business is SCREWED.

      At the moment, your copy doesn't sell that idea.

      You also need more credibility - why is your software best? What does it do Market Samurai or KE2 doesn't? How did it come about? Etc.

      I can tell you've put work into this but it needs a lot more beefing up before it's ready for launch.

      -Dan
      Dan,

      Your comments were extremely helpful. I just downloaded your "Sales Secrets Report" and can't wait to read it. You will likely be hearing from me soon.

      Now I'm not actually selling software here, but rather a guide on how to do keyword research (in which I teach about various free tools available). I'm curious if that was just an oversight on your end, or if my copy doesn't convey that very well?

      Thanks for your help,
      Derek
      Signature
      Thousands of happy Warriors agree...
      This service is a MUST - so worth it - Barry C.
      Derek is a keyword genius - Alan W.
      The results are incredible - page one already! - Navia B.
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  • Profile picture of the author Zentech
    ^^^ What he said.
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    * Stupid Offer: Killer Sales Letters ***$897*** Just For Warriors. Ethical Clients & Legit Products Only. *
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  • Profile picture of the author Mr. Enthusiastic
    Hi Derek, here are my opinions and suggestions:

    Change the name of your system. Sell the outcome, not the process. Sizzle not steak as pointed out above.

    The benefit of your system involves Google, Traffic, Profits, and Shortcut. The name of the product, and the URL for the web site, would be more powerful if they included those benefit words. Keyword research is the implementation technique, not the outcome.

    It's as though, instead of having HotSportsCar.com or TwistyBackroadsFunDriving.com, you had used MagnesiumHeatTreatedBallBearingSteeringColumn.com. That may be the reason why the sports car has hot handling. But it's not a beneficial outcome in itself.

    You go through a lot of verbiage before you get to the big benefit, which should be your headline: "I'm #1 and #2 on Google in my chosen niches. Now it's your turn to learn how to get these ratings and the success that comes with them..."

    Then mention that keyword selection is the key to this level of success, and you've cracked the code.

    Otherwise, you're limiting your audience to those who already know how important keyword research is and already hope for a shortcut. By selling the benefit rather than the process, you can also attract people who want more online marketing success but are not savvy yet about the importance of keywords.

    It doesn't matter that the system suddenly came to you as a revelation after you used to be stumped. What matters is that it works, you've used it repeatedly, and others have replicated your success. In other words, as long as the recipe leads to a tasty dinner, I don't care how you came up with it.

    What's up with the change to really small type for the WF review screenshots? If the testimonial authors agree, you could capture the top line with the picture, then quote the text of the review in regular html text. This would also let the text of the testimonials get indexed by Google, which could only help your sales page.

    It's ludicrous to claim that a classic long form sales letter is not a sales pitch. It is a sales pitch. Don't undermine your credibility by claiming, in your sales pitch, that you are not offering a sales pitch.

    I love the idea of a step by step system. Your teaser bullets are tantalizing. Everything seems fine from there on down. The order form, P.S. and so on all look good. So my concerns are only with the top half of the letter.

    Chris

    P.S. If you don't like these opinions, you can exchange them for further opinions at no additional charge.
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    • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
      Originally Posted by Mr. Enthusiastic View Post

      You go through a lot of verbiage before you get to the big benefit, which should be your headline: "I'm #1 and #2 on Google in my chosen niches. Now it's your turn to learn how to get these ratings and the success that comes with them..."

      Then mention that keyword selection is the key to this level of success, and you've cracked the code.

      Otherwise, you're limiting your audience to those who already know how important keyword research is and already hope for a shortcut. By selling the benefit rather than the process, you can also attract people who want more online marketing success but are not savvy yet about the importance of keywords.

      It doesn't matter that the system suddenly came to you as a revelation after you used to be stumped. What matters is that it works, you've used it repeatedly, and others have replicated your success. In other words, as long as the recipe leads to a tasty dinner, I don't care how you came up with it.

      What's up with the change to really small type for the WF review screenshots? If the testimonial authors agree, you could capture the top line with the picture, then quote the text of the review in regular html text. This would also let the text of the testimonials get indexed by Google, which could only help your sales page.

      It's ludicrous to claim that a classic long form sales letter is not a sales pitch. It is a sales pitch. Don't undermine your credibility by claiming, in your sales pitch, that you are not offering a sales pitch.

      I love the idea of a step by step system. Your teaser bullets are tantalizing. Everything seems fine from there on down. The order form, P.S. and so on all look good. So my concerns are only with the top half of the letter.

      Chris

      P.S. If you don't like these opinions, you can exchange them for further opinions at no additional charge.

      Hey Chris,

      Thanks for taking the time to offer such detailed help. You've given me some great suggestions.

      In fact, everyone has. I'm working now to update my copy to reflect some of the ideas I've learned here, and hope to report back soon.

      Thanks again everyone.

      Derek
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      Thousands of happy Warriors agree...
      This service is a MUST - so worth it - Barry C.
      Derek is a keyword genius - Alan W.
      The results are incredible - page one already! - Navia B.
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  • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
    Originally Posted by Ken_Caudill View Post


    Oh, and I'm getting sooooo damned tired of looking at that featureless man-like creature on every IM site on the net.

    Consider upgrading your graphics.
    Thanks for the helpful critique.

    You know, I've actually considered split testing my sales page with just the standard white background (like this Turbocharge Your Website's Sales With Copy That is Guaranteed to Get Results!)

    Any experience or thoughts there?

    All the best,
    Derek
    Signature
    Thousands of happy Warriors agree...
    This service is a MUST - so worth it - Barry C.
    Derek is a keyword genius - Alan W.
    The results are incredible - page one already! - Navia B.
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Sanchez
    I think you did a pretty great job mate! Not perfect but then again no copy will ever see the light of day on this forum and not get beat up.

    Sizzle not steak...great advice. Thank Daniel Scott up there.

    I would add a couple of other things.

    Add a video of you scrollig through and reading the reviews of your technique. If you have that much proof then use and demonstrate it.

    30 pages - 47$...you need to justify that price big time. Either lower it and start coming up with a lot of bonuses. I see 30 page report, not ebook...and that a lot for a report.

    Also "how does this compare to other software and services" really nail this. If this is going to smart IMers, then they know the big names and thinkin' "yeah right! Like this is would be better than _____"?

    Your guarantee is sooo smallll...and it's a GREAT guarantee! Make that bigger. Take the fear out of investing in your product. Make sure no one can miss it!

    Maybe add some more bullet points of benefits and maybe space out or bullet the "what you'll get in chapter 4" section...little hard to read.

    Maybe add in the story about how you came about your technique. Connect with me.

    If this is for average shmoe, then, man you need a lot more sizzle...

    Explain in detail what happens when someone gets on the first page of google.

    Might be me, but I love the format if that sales letter. Where did you get that template? PM me. Simple, clean...my favorite kind.

    Otherwise, decent job mate!
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    • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
      Originally Posted by Danniboy View Post

      I think you did a pretty great job mate! Not perfect but then again no copy will ever see the light of day on this forum and not get beat up.

      Sizzle not steak...great advice. Thank Daniel Scott up there.

      I would add a couple of other things.

      .......

      Otherwise, decent job mate!
      Thanks for the kudos as well as the the critique.

      Yet another example of people going out of their way to help.

      I really appreciate that!

      Derek

      PS - I sent you a PM about my template.
      Signature
      Thousands of happy Warriors agree...
      This service is a MUST - so worth it - Barry C.
      Derek is a keyword genius - Alan W.
      The results are incredible - page one already! - Navia B.
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