Copy Critique Request: Seduction Product (Inner Game, Hypnosis Audio)

by mph
25 replies
I have requested price quotes a while ago on this forum. I have managed to find someone who wrote this letter at a very decent price. Here is the draft letter:

Radical Inner Game


Please let me know what you think.

Thank you in advance for all your comments and suggestions!
#audio #copy #critique #game #hypnosis #product #request #seduction
  • Profile picture of the author jverley
    Looks like a pretty standard clickbank sales copy. A bit long for my taste, and I was never a fan of having to scroll so far for the first call to action, but that's a personal preference.
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    • Profile picture of the author mph
      Indeed, I'm planning to add another call to action earlier on in the page.
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      • Profile picture of the author Benjamin Johnson
        The headline had a couple of "stoppers" for me -- the first part before "so that" could probably be cut altogether, as it's really just backing into the core benefit the reader is looking for rather than getting straight to the point; I also hesitated for a moment at the phrase "mastering their inner game": I wasn't sure whether it was talking about the reader's inner game or the women's inner game. I suspect it's the former and it's just an awkward construction forced by the "Who else..." lead in, but it's unclear. I think everything between "Who else wants to" and "easily approach" could be cut out of the current headline.

        Of course, that's a bold promise, and one the market has heard again and again, so it might help to add some credibility copy upfront -- as it is, you start right off speaking to the reader in the first person, without defining who you are or why the reader should care.

        You also might want to consider cutting down the first section of the letter -- probably not necessary to spend this much space defining and agitating the general problem your buyer faces (anxiety and social awkwardness around women) -- and probably better to get through that quickly and move right into Dr. Jay and why the usual band of PUA's is feeding people a line. I think positioning the product as a way to get results without adopting PUA tactics that seem bizarre and unnatural or being someone you're not is potentially a very compelling angle, but at this point it's buried pretty deep in the body of the letter.

        Other than that, just a couple more minor notes:
        1. I would hold off on the chart comparing the Basic, Intermediate and Complete packages at least until you've broken down the modules of the Basic package, and you might consider leaving the Intermediate/Advanced material for an upsell -- there are times when a "which of these" choice can work in copy, but other times asking the visitor to make a choice beyond simply "buy or leave" can be asking for trouble.

        2. You've got some longish blocks of text, expecially in some of the bulleted sections, that could be broken up for better readability.

        3. I agree with Andrew Gould's comment about the YouTube links.
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        • Profile picture of the author mph
          About the Youtube links: I'm going to open them in pop-up or DHTML pop-over windows, so they don't need to leave the main sales page.

          Thanks for the advice.
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  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    I'm a bit pushed for time at the moment but I did notice you've got 2 links to Youtube on your page.

    Do you think your prospects will come back to you if they click them?
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    Your letter is long and meandering. It keeps going from A to B to A to C to B to D to C... etc.

    The second issue is that you haven't trapped your target market up front. You're not selling "inner game" stuff. You're selling feeling great about yourself... boundless confidence... a new "perfect 10" in your bed every single night.

    You also "guru bash" a lot, which is fine - IF the market is at that level of sophistication. I'm guessing this is an entry-level product, so I would more focus on how you're right, rather than how everyone else is wrong.

    I've written quite a few letters that have done really well on ClickBank now and one thing I've found is that you want to make your promise as big and sexy as you can. Make it real easy for your reader to understand all the benefits. Keep the tricky understanding for the product.

    -Dan
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  • Profile picture of the author Zentech
    It's not bad, but not fantastic. It's rather long and crowded, and I'm not asked to buy until the end. Even if I'm convinced to buy halfway through, nobody asks me to. Some of the bolding and capitalizing is a bit weirdly chosen too, and there is some awkward phrasing.
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  • Profile picture of the author Iconik
    Just wanted to bring to your attention some mistakes that you might want to fix.

    The first line under the subheading:

    "Why Am I OUT Of CONTROL?
    Why Am I Nervous About
    Speaking To A Woman?
    What’s In My Way?"

    Reads:
    I asked myself the same question a few ago.

    Should be:
    I asked myself the same question a few years ago.

    ---------

    The first bullet point under the subheading:

    My Lack Of Success Was
    Driving Me INSANE

    Reads:
    I knew that I was the screwing up – it wasn’t about the women that I liked

    Should be:
    I knew that I was the one screwing up – it wasn’t about the women that I liked

    ---------

    The first bullet point under the subheading:

    Seven Big Fat Lies From The
    Pick-Up Artists & Dating Gurus

    Reads:
    Frame control junkie – this is where you always need to be in control of every conversation, even if you’re just chatting to your gran! That’s right, there’s always a conversation leader and it MUST be you (Am I the only one who thinks this is neurotic?)

    Should be:
    Frame control junkie – this is where you always need to be in control of every conversation, even if you’re just chatting to your grandma! That’s right, there’s always a conversation leader and it MUST be you (Am I the only one who thinks this is neurotic?)

    -------

    The second paragraph under the subheading:


    Reads:
    Or maybe you will NOTICE it when you’re with your friends and they comment on how many hot women you seem to with (all of a sudden).

    Should be:
    Or maybe you will NOTICE it when you’re with your friends and they comment on how many hot women you seem to be with (all of a sudden).

    -------

    These are just the ones I picked up on a quick read. (I actually only read half way and then skipped to the bottom to read the call to action)

    My take on the sales letter:

    I think the letter is solid. A lot of strong points are hit on throughout the letter. however, too much time is spent bashing on other 'Pick-Up Artists & Gurus' as the letter calls them.

    You could cut your salesletter down by half and still get your message across. Instead of focusing on how their products are inferior to your own, explain why your product is superior to theirs.

    The one thing I would test immediately is your headline.

    It reads:
    Who Else Wants To DESTROY All Approach Anxiety, Self Doubt and Inner Conflict, So That YOU Become Insanely CONFIDENT & Easily Approach Gorgeous Women… By Mastering Their Inner Game & Creating A MAGNETIC Personality?

    The beginning of your headline should either promise a benefits, arouse curiosity or instill fear of lose. When I read the following:

    Who Else Wants to Destroy All Approach Anxiety, Self Doubt and Inner Conflict,...

    My attention wasn't grabbed, my curiosity wasn't aroused and I stood to lose nothing which tells your prospect not to waste their time. I even stumbled over the approach anxiety part since I had no idea what your site was about and had never encountered the term 'approach anxiety' before.

    Your headline also doesn't need to be long, it just needs to do the job. A short punchy headline can get them into the copy just as effectively as 30 word headline.

    Here are a few headlines off the top of my head, unfortunately they will require you to rework your introduction a bit:

    How Attractive Women Think & Why You Don't Stand a Chance Unless...

    Why Attractive Women Reject Men

    Which Kind of Guy Are You?
    A. Women Fight for Your Affection
    B. Women Run from You Like an Infection

    OK, maybe not that last one but you get the point.

    Interesting product by the way, hope you do well with it.

    Mike
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    • Profile picture of the author Harlan
      It's really poor.

      It's like hype is the only tool the copywriter knows.

      Starting from the headline on down - it has no authenticity, no proof - nada.

      Plus, it tries to be all things to all men.

      How silly is it to try and convince a guy who's shy that he's about to become the alpha male.

      Sure. And next week they're going to impreach Obama and make the reader President too.

      But that's only if you act now.

      Bottom line, you got what you paid for. Crap.
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Death by bullet point O.D.
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    • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
      Hi mph,

      I am sure whoever the copywriter is, they worked really hard on the letter. It shows. It really does.

      But there are two fundamental challenges with it:

      1. I do not think they did enough research on the market. This copywriter needs to be immersed in how people in this market think. Like really think.

      2. Nor does he have copywriting chops (yet) to pull it off. The lack of the nuances of copywriting is apparent.

      Bottom line? Sure, you can try the letter out, but my personal guess is you're headed for a rewrite.

      What I would do is give this copwrier one more shot--on his nickel. Of course, he has some personal honor to reclaim and I'll bet he'll take another shot, if he knew his reputation was being challenged.

      Years ago, I too would be humbled. I would offer up my copy as done, only to have my mentors tear it apart.

      Sometimes publicly.

      I didn't care. While I have pride in my work, I have no "ego" about it. I just want to see my Clients do well. And I was willing to go through that "criticism gauntlet" without hesitation or concern--because I was being criticized by the best.

      (During these public seminars, people would be amazed at how grueling and clinically-detailed these critiques were. They were lessons in and of themselves. And attendees thanked me for be willing to submit to such scrutiny.)

      I didn't care. It didn't matter. I only wanted to get better, with each and every word I wrote.

      Now, I suspect given the labor extended, this person has enough pride to make a second attempt. And I also bet if we all support the endeavor by giving specific, actionable advice on how to improve, this could be a lesson for all.

      It would be a pretty interesting "before and after" example--by the same copywriter.

      - Rick Duris

      PS: Here's why I say that:

      Years ago, I was a programmer and I was taught a process called "egoless programming." It was a process where your code would be analyzed by your peers in a very particular manner. Ultra-accurate. It had to be.

      You think copywriters are ruthlessly critical?

      Oh my goodness, co-programmers can (and will) tear your code to shreds at every opportunity. You just had to take the criticism. And even if you were the lead programmer, you would still be subjected to the same process.

      But guaranteed, you became a better programmer for the experience. And so did everyone else involved.


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      • Profile picture of the author Harlan
        Rick, you are so diplomatic.

        You say, "The lack of the nuances of copywriting is apparent."

        I say, "it's really poor."

        Bottom line is I don't think this copywriter has much training. I agree, they don't know the market.

        Hiring a copywriter based on how inexpensive they are could be a costly mistake.

        Peace.
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        • Profile picture of the author gixxer
          Yeah, not great. Definitely no mastery of language there...

          The pickup market is really sophisticated at this point as well. DeAngelo set the bar and RSD made it even better. I did some writing for one of the big players in the industry a few years ago. I spent a lot of time on the projects and I already had a strong familiarity with the community and the motivations of the market.

          Check out some of RSDs stuff for some really good copy...

          gixxer
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        • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
          Originally Posted by Harlan View Post

          Rick, you are so diplomatic.

          You say, "The lack of the nuances of copywriting is apparent."

          I say, "it's really poor."

          Bottom line is I don't think this copywriter has much training. I agree, they don't know the market.

          Hiring a copywriter based on how inexpensive they are could be a costly mistake.

          Peace.
          Hi Harlan,

          Granted and acknowledged.

          What I do suspect is there is a copywriter right now who's reading this thread... one who's on his way, but far from the mark...

          One who needs specific coaching...

          And rather than summarily pass judgment, this could be a learning opportunity him, as well as for all.

          I really would like to see him get another shot. If that's not in the cards... hey, I tried. I really would like to see him ratchet up.

          - Rick Duris
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          • Profile picture of the author gixxer
            Rick,

            You make some really good points. As painful as it can be, I agree that having your peers rip into your writing or whatever else is an incredible learning and growing opportunity. I've been in some difficult academic and science environments and they always did foster growth through criticism -
            not always in the healthiest ways though

            I think the offer to help the writer along on the revision is generous and an outstanding learning opportunity for the writer. I'd jump on an offer like that myself.

            Adam
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            • Profile picture of the author Harlan
              Rick, copy forums are pretty brutal.

              A few years ago, I proved the point by posting a letter and asking for feedback.

              The letter got shredded.

              It turned out (sneaky) I had actually posted a Dan Kennedy letter that was one of the most successful weight loss sales letters of all time.

              The Dan Kennedy letter got ripped apart even after I revealed it was Dan Kennedy who wrote it.
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              • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
                Originally Posted by Harlan View Post

                Rick, copy forums are pretty brutal.
                As I am coming to find out.

                Having seen it in action, a modest amount of civility goes a long way.

                - Rick Duris
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              • Profile picture of the author maximus242
                Originally Posted by Harlan View Post

                Rick, copy forums are pretty brutal.

                A few years ago, I proved the point by posting a letter and asking for feedback.

                The letter got shredded.

                It turned out (sneaky) I had actually posted a Dan Kennedy letter that was one of the most successful weight loss sales letters of all time.

                The Dan Kennedy letter got ripped apart even after I revealed it was Dan Kennedy who wrote it.
                Imagine if you posted a bencivenga headline, people on this forum would go bonkers after it.

                Dan Kennedy is at least typical DM copy, but Bencivenga is so unhypey, theyd jump after his headlines with a knife.
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  • Profile picture of the author Gregster
    Check out some of RSDs stuff for some really good copy.

    Hi Gixxer,
    Who is RSD, and can I find from the name?

    Thanks
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Sanchez
    A lot of what has been shared is valid...

    "Dear Friend" - Kill that!

    Even Dear _____(anything other than "Friend" would work better)


    Observations:

    1. The copy isn't really focused on educated PUAs or average guy who has no clue what a PUA is...

    Who is your market? Copy needs to reflect that.

    Personally I know the PUA scene and by the copy I'm not convinced you have been where I've benn enough to call yourself an expert to share anything with really of worth to me.

    Everyone who is a PUA all think they know it all and are the expert of experts. You need MASSIVE proof to get them to think otherwise.

    2. Wordy word word word words...which means I lost interest really quick and got bored.

    3. Vague and unclear in most benefits...most are actually features. They are just phrased to look like benefits. Doesn't make them benefits.

    Needs a re-write.

    Oh and I just want to mention Rick Duris here.

    Great guy. Talked with him on the phone and really knows his stuff. I would personally take Rick's advice.

    (which by in no way discounts the great advice other great copywriters offered...you
    guys know who you are
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  • Profile picture of the author Gregster
    Thanks Andrew. I'll look em up.

    Regards
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    • Profile picture of the author markpocock
      I think your headline is a tired promise. The prospect has
      been promised what your headline offers before.

      So your promise is past it's sell by date.

      Yet the demand is still there in your procpect. They're looking
      for a new way to achieve their aims. A new mechanism as
      Gene Schwartz would say.

      Now this mechanism could be the hypnotist. Or the hypnotist
      could be the hook of the story.

      Looking elsewhere at your copy

      What about some proof?

      Your letter is very light on proof.

      Sure you get a guarantee. And a guarantee
      is a proof element. However you need much more
      proof to make your letter convert.

      Also the "Who else..." signifies other people have
      used these same techniques. But you don't have
      any satisfied users.

      Just a few pointers

      cheers

      Mark
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