Looks like a pretty standard clickbank sales copy. A bit long for my taste, and I was never a fan of having to scroll so far for the first call to action, but that's a personal preference.

I'm a bit pushed for time at the moment but I did notice you've got 2 links to Youtube on your page.

Do you think your prospects will come back to you if they click them?

Your letter is long and meandering. It keeps going from A to B to A to C to B to D to C... etc.

The second issue is that you haven't trapped your target market up front. You're not selling "inner game" stuff. You're selling feeling great about yourself... boundless confidence... a new "perfect 10" in your bed every single night.

You also "guru bash" a lot, which is fine - IF the market is at that level of sophistication. I'm guessing this is an entry-level product, so I would more focus on how you're right, rather than how everyone else is wrong.

I've written quite a few letters that have done really well on ClickBank now and one thing I've found is that you want to make your promise as big and sexy as you can. Make it real easy for your reader to understand all the benefits. Keep the tricky understanding for the product.

-Dan

It's not bad, but not fantastic. It's rather long and crowded, and I'm not asked to buy until the end. Even if I'm convinced to buy halfway through, nobody asks me to. Some of the bolding and capitalizing is a bit weirdly chosen too, and there is some awkward phrasing.

Just wanted to bring to your attention some mistakes that you might want to fix.

The first line under the subheading:

"Why Am I OUT Of CONTROL?
Why Am I Nervous About
Speaking To A Woman?
What’s In My Way?"

Reads:
I asked myself the same question a few ago.

Should be:
I asked myself the same question a few years ago.

---------

The first bullet point under the subheading:

My Lack Of Success Was
Driving Me INSANE

Reads:
I knew that I was the screwing up – it wasn’t about the women that I liked

Should be:
I knew that I was the one screwing up – it wasn’t about the women that I liked

---------

The first bullet point under the subheading:

Seven Big Fat Lies From The
Pick-Up Artists & Dating Gurus

Reads:
Frame control junkie – this is where you always need to be in control of every conversation, even if you’re just chatting to your gran! That’s right, there’s always a conversation leader and it MUST be you (Am I the only one who thinks this is neurotic?)

Should be:
Frame control junkie – this is where you always need to be in control of every conversation, even if you’re just chatting to your grandma! That’s right, there’s always a conversation leader and it MUST be you (Am I the only one who thinks this is neurotic?)

-------

The second paragraph under the subheading:


Reads:
Or maybe you will NOTICE it when you’re with your friends and they comment on how many hot women you seem to with (all of a sudden).

Should be:
Or maybe you will NOTICE it when you’re with your friends and they comment on how many hot women you seem to be with (all of a sudden).

-------

These are just the ones I picked up on a quick read. (I actually only read half way and then skipped to the bottom to read the call to action)

My take on the sales letter:

I think the letter is solid. A lot of strong points are hit on throughout the letter. however, too much time is spent bashing on other 'Pick-Up Artists & Gurus' as the letter calls them.

You could cut your salesletter down by half and still get your message across. Instead of focusing on how their products are inferior to your own, explain why your product is superior to theirs.

The one thing I would test immediately is your headline.

It reads:

The beginning of your headline should either promise a benefits, arouse curiosity or instill fear of lose. When I read the following:

Who Else Wants to Destroy All Approach Anxiety, Self Doubt and Inner Conflict,...

My attention wasn't grabbed, my curiosity wasn't aroused and I stood to lose nothing which tells your prospect not to waste their time. I even stumbled over the approach anxiety part since I had no idea what your site was about and had never encountered the term 'approach anxiety' before.

Your headline also doesn't need to be long, it just needs to do the job. A short punchy headline can get them into the copy just as effectively as 30 word headline.

Here are a few headlines off the top of my head, unfortunately they will require you to rework your introduction a bit:

How Attractive Women Think & Why You Don't Stand a Chance Unless...

Why Attractive Women Reject Men

Which Kind of Guy Are You?
A. Women Fight for Your Affection
B. Women Run from You Like an Infection

OK, maybe not that last one but you get the point.

Interesting product by the way, hope you do well with it.

Mike

Death by bullet point O.D.

Check out some of RSDs stuff for some really good copy.

Hi Gixxer,
Who is RSD, and can I find from the name?

Thanks

A lot of what has been shared is valid...

"Dear Friend" - Kill that!

Even Dear _____(anything other than "Friend" would work better)


Observations:

1. The copy isn't really focused on educated PUAs or average guy who has no clue what a PUA is...

Who is your market? Copy needs to reflect that.

Personally I know the PUA scene and by the copy I'm not convinced you have been where I've benn enough to call yourself an expert to share anything with really of worth to me.

Everyone who is a PUA all think they know it all and are the expert of experts. You need MASSIVE proof to get them to think otherwise.

2. Wordy word word word words...which means I lost interest really quick and got bored.

3. Vague and unclear in most benefits...most are actually features. They are just phrased to look like benefits. Doesn't make them benefits.

Needs a re-write.

Oh and I just want to mention Rick Duris here.

Great guy. Talked with him on the phone and really knows his stuff. I would personally take Rick's advice.

(which by in no way discounts the great advice other great copywriters offered...you
guys know who you are

Thanks Andrew. I'll look em up.

Regards