Copy Critique Request: Fat Loss Product

12 replies
Hey guys,

I've just stepped in the weight loss niche by establishing a partnership with a fitness expert.

We created this product The Diet Ultimatum. However because it's the first time we work in this niche, we don't have much experience.

So if you've worked in weight loss niche for sometimes now, please give us some comments on our sales page:

=> The Diet Ultimatum - Most Advanced Weight Loss Program

There is a video version and a text version. Comments on both are welcomed.

Thanks much,
Stephen
#copy #critique #fat #loss #product #request
  • Profile picture of the author Zentech
    Hi warrior_money,

    1) You have numerous grammar errors in the written copy.

    2) I don't like the video presentation - the voice stumbles a few times and the text is blurry. The voice almost sounds computer-generated.

    3) The written copy promises me a big honking secret and doesn't even try to deliver.

    4) I'm not convinced. You haven't shown me in a powerful, persuasive way how this differs from all the other diet schemes. They all make the same promises you do.

    5) $39 is a good price point, but if I were in your niche, I wouldn't pay above $19 because you haven't shown me what the UNIQUE value of your product is.

    6) Rather than $39, you should be going with $37. It's all about the 7's.

    7) Other than all that, it's pretty decent.
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    • Profile picture of the author Jag82
      Originally Posted by Zentech View Post

      5) $39 is a good price point, but if I were in your niche, I wouldn't pay above $19 because you haven't shown me what the UNIQUE value of your product is.
      Price points can be tested. Higher and lower. There are fat-loss
      products priced way more than $39 that can still sell.


      Originally Posted by Zentech View Post


      6) Rather than $39, you should be going with $37. It's all about the 7's.
      I'm not quite sure that it "should" always end with "7".

      Doesn't have to be. We can't assume price points
      ending with 7 will always sell better.

      Sometimes price ending with .95 cents (e.g. $39.95) will sell better.
      Sometimes price ending on a whole number (e.g. $40) may too.

      If in doubt, just test.

      - Jag
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      • Profile picture of the author TedMarlett
        You have one of those sites with a "bunch" of exit pop-ups. It looks terrible and really was frustrating to just try to get off your site. I would not go back for anything.
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  • Profile picture of the author Zentech
    Everybody goes with the 7's because they are time-tested and proven. But yeah, I'm not going to oppose testing. Tests will tell.

    Most definitely fat-loss products can sell way, way above $39 - but with this copy, I think the $39 range is an appropriate number.
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  • Profile picture of the author Zentech
    Only thing is, those crappy exit stunts do salvage a few sales here and there that would be lost otherwise. The guy who clicked off has clicked off. It's a lost sale 98% of the time. The exit stunts may salvage a few of those. If non-buyers get annoyed, well, it doesn't matter a whole lot because they are non-buyers.
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    • Profile picture of the author TedMarlett
      One of the troubles is that if I decided to look a little harder and bookmarked the site and tried to get out of it and I couldn't very well I would delete the bookmark.

      I do bookmark a lot of sites, but not the ones I have a ton of exit popups to get through.
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      • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
        Stephen, you need before & after shots.

        Especially if you're going to use an "after" photo. You need a "before" for contrast.

        --- Ross
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Took me about 6 clicks to get out of that mousetrap. People who use those on their sites should be burned at the stake.

    The video is a complete Dud. Lose it.

    Here's a word for you - "credibility" - that's what you need to establish for your personal trainer or expert or whatever the hell he was. And where is his headshot? And his credentials? Why not put him in the video? We know why don't we? Because he doesn't exist.

    And as Ross has said - where are the "Before and Afters"? I'm always amazed when sites in this niche don't use B & A photos. In fact, a whole page of them would do a much better job than this schlock. This is a monumental FAIL.
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  • Profile picture of the author Zentech
    Jeez, and here I thought I was too harsh. LOL
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    • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
      Hi warrior_money,

      1. Everything everybody said is accurate.

      2. The hard part for me, and I understand the logic behind it, there is no USP. None. Benefits galore, future pacing yes. But nothing that distinguishes your product from every other product out there.

      Do this:

      Get yourself a copy of the book Breakthrough Advertising by Eugene Schwartz. Read about the 5 different ways to position yourself and your headline based upon what level your competition is at and the maturity of the market.

      It will be the best money you ever invested in the partnership.

      After you read that book, you get your aha, and it will be obvious what you should do.

      - Rick Duris



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  • Profile picture of the author helisell
    To become a customer I would need to know

    How it works?
    Why I haven't heard of it before?
    How you came upon the system?
    How many years exactly have you been helping people to lose weight?

    You need to engage vistors more fully by getting excited. If it was a really really really great product.....wouldn't you feel compelled to tell me Everything there was to know about it.

    Everything I heard/read was all just a bit too vague. Your particular audience will be more than willing to want to believe you.........you just need to give them lots of detailed reasons to do that.

    Keep at it and good luck
    Signature

    Making Calls To Sell Something? What are you actually saying?
    Is there any room for improvement? Want to find out?

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  • Profile picture of the author warrior_money
    Thank you all for the comments. Please keep them coming! They really help a lot!

    This is not written by me for sure. I outsourced and put everything together.

    Thanks,
    Stephen
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