Can you critique my home page? I sell a sex guide for men, so I hope I don't offend anyone...

9 replies
My site's conversions are a little weak, but my product really is good... I would love to see my homepage story through the eyes of a copywriter... here's my site : http: // mistermanpower. net

sorry can't put links yet...

blast away guys
#critique #guide #home #hope #men #offend #page #sell
  • Profile picture of the author John_S
    Well, if it's only a little weak there's not much of a problem.

    You may want to lose all the "I" and add more "you." Use complete names in testimonials, no excuses.
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    • Profile picture of the author David C.
      full names on testimonials... okay, good start, will do!
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  • Profile picture of the author helisell
    What is your mdca?






    Most Desired Customer Action

    Do you really want them to click on all those links?

    No?

    What are they there for then?

    To distract the visitor from reading your sales story?

    In its current format it will never convert well.

    Take a look at the wordpress sales page someone has been promoting on here.

    That is the kind of layout that will sell
    Signature

    Making Calls To Sell Something? What are you actually saying?
    Is there any room for improvement? Want to find out?

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  • Profile picture of the author maximus242
    Copy sucks. Do you realize HOW MANY TIMES you talk about yourself? Almost every sentence begins with I or I've

    You have to write like your talking to another person sitting across from you. Notice how im talking about you.

    You (see that, another you instead of using I) need to completely rewrite this copy.

    Add more pictures of sexy girls, talk about how your customer is going to feel, see, taste, touch, experience after he uses your product.
    Signature

    xResponsive Advertising Agency | Direct Marketing | Online Advertising | Create Breakthrough Campaigns for Your Business http://xresponsive.com

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    • Profile picture of the author Bill Jeffels
      I think you've got a good hook just about at the end of your page.

      You have " If you're looking for a pill to solve your problems overnight... good luck finding it "

      I would use that at the start of your page after a little of your story and go into the " You've Been Lied To " deal. The " Us Against Them " routine. You should definitely move your "Here's a Little Of What You'll Discover In The Mr. ManPower's Guide: " up a little more. Some of your bullets are good.

      Also, remember your prospect is always thinking what's in it for them, so, definitely less I and more how they are going to benefit

      Good luck,

      Bill



      .
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  • Profile picture of the author maximus242
    Its too early to start telling people they have to do work, you havent even gotten their attention and your telling them to put in effort.

    Its like people who want to make money, tell them they even have to god forbid, go out and buy business cards and the Apocalypse has arrived. First sell them, get them salivating for the benefits before you mention work and try to build belief with candor.

    You can use the they're lying to you thing, but do it with controversy and unique information, not by saying you have to work so allow me to crush your little fantasy
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  • Profile picture of the author Iconik
    Hi David,

    Interesting product.

    I agree with helisell regarding the links.
    Your sales letter should have one focus;
    to get the sale. Remove distractions such
    as links off the page, which give your
    prospect a chance to stop reading and
    leave your site.

    Include the most important links (contact,
    terms...) at the bottom and get rid of the
    article links. One way to do this is to make
    a separate page for your sales letter and
    make your homepage an information resource.

    Right now your combining the two which is
    killing the effectiveness of your sales letter.

    The next thing you should do is...

    Change the image in the upper left-hand corner.
    The image you have now isn't congruent with
    your message. The guy flipping through the
    channels while his women is waiting eagerly for
    him, doesn't tell me that he is a god in bed, it
    makes me think that they are in a troubled
    relationship.

    Not the image your trying to invoke I'm sure.

    Find an image that allows your reader to
    visually experience the benefit of your copy.

    Your Headline...


    “How I went from an insecure weakling in bed
    to a Well-Hung Sex Machine.”


    Good attempt. Question headlines can be very
    effective. However...

    As maximus242 pointed out, even in your headline
    you are speaking about yourself. This does little to
    help the reader put himself into the position of
    reaping the benefits (Just because you did it, doesn't
    mean I can do it).

    What you want is a headline that takes your most
    powerful, honey-glazed, cream-filled benefit and
    literally CRAMS it down your readers throat. They
    should have no choice but to be confronted with
    the solution to their problem.

    Something like the following...

    ---------------Page Header---------------

    WARNING: The information in this report is so powerful you may have to get a restraining order against the sex-crazed women who will be stalking you...

    "Male Escort Love-Making Secrets
    That Make John Holmes Look Like
    Pee-Wee Herman"


    What male escorts know about pleasuring women that will amp-up your sex life
    and cause any women who sleeps with you to be star-struck.

    ---------------------Body Copy----------------------

    The last point I'll make is...

    Under your headline you list the following:

    Guaranteed safe & effective exercises to naturally:
    • Increase the size of your penis
    • Last longer during sex
    • Strengthen your erections
    • Maintain your erection after orgasm
    • Maximize your sex drive
    • Give women (multiple and ejaculatory) orgasms
    And more, all in one place…
    You should remove the word 'exercises' and change it
    to 'techniques'. Exercises are hard and time consuming;
    Techniques, on the other hand, are a simple change to
    the readers current routine.

    I realize that they actually are physical exercises which
    help to increase size and last longer, and even though
    your prospects will realize this too, they will subconsciously
    be turned off by the idea of performing exercises to
    improve there love-making.

    It's an affront to their pride as well (If you have to
    exercise you're inadequate, where as a change in
    technique is simply adjusting for a lack of knowledge).

    Also, you'll want to enhance your bullet points.

    Read through your book and write down all the facts
    you can find that can be turned into benefits.

    Then, polish them up until your prospect can see his
    reflection in them, and serve em up in your copy. I'll
    polish up your bullets as an example. However, these
    bullets have to be true, so don't just use mine, read
    your facts and make sure they reflect the info your
    reader will be getting.

    Here are some of the bullets from your copy...

    • Increase the size of your penis
    • Last longer during sex
    • Strengthen your erections
    • Maintain your erection after orgasm
    • Maximize your sex drive
    • Give women (multiple and ejaculatory) orgasms

    Here they are after being polished...

    • A simple technique you can do in the shower that will add at least 2 inches to your manhood
    • How to end premature ejaculation with your mind (you'll be amazed at how well this works!)
    • The insider secret male escorts use to achieve diamond-hard erections
    • A $2 dollar item you can buy that ensures you keep it up after climax (your new nickname will be "The Jackhammer" in her social circle)
    • The "1 minute miracle" that will give you the sex-drive of an 18 year old again (young dumb and full of.... What!)
    • What to do right before sex that will make your women 10X more likely to have a multiple orgasm (do this once, and she'll be yours forever)
    Do your homework and I'm sure you will
    come up with better bullets than these.

    Good luck with your sales,
    Mike
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