Energy Niche - critique please

The first thing I see:

Here Are Some Facts That You
Where *Not* Supposed To See:


You want to get rid of the word "where" and replace with "were." Many people will not continue to read long sales letters if they run into errors, such as these. That being said, it has a lot of promise.

Honestly... it's not bad.

One thing that I'm not 100% sure about is if it passes the "yeah, right" test.

To me... it doesn't.

But frankly I'm not your target market.

It's a really cool product idea... and a really interesting angle you've used.

Testing will tell... but the actual writing looks fine to me. If there's a problem, it's probably with the angle you've used.

-Dan

Hey George,

I write copy for a similar market and have a few ideas for you.

First the fundamentals... your letter is seriously lacking PROOF. You're making a lot of general claims, such as - "Swine flu was man made for profits." - but when you go into this section in the letter, you don't really convince me.

Ideally you want to show me that this has happened before. Specifically, the government and/or a corporation has actually harmed the public in pursuit of profit. There must be plenty of examples out there!

A list of politicians and their pharma stock holdings would be nice too. Or something similar.

The next fundamental that's glaringly missing is URGENCY. This should be easy, when you get the problem right... To me you need to be more specific about what the problem is first.

Perhaps something like - "The Great Freedom Hoax! 7 Sneaky Ways Washington and Wall Street are Enslaving You... Plus 4 Simple Strategies for Living Free (Legally) In an Un-Free World!"

That's a bit more specific I think, and fits your solution better.

Going back to URGENCY, knowing what your problem is you can now be more specific as to why your reader should ACT NOW... "are you doing to be prepared if the whole system goes down tomorrow? History has shown these apocalyptic events are instantaneous [PROOF, PROOF, PROOF]. Get this now!"

With all that said...

I wonder if a "big idea" like this is the best way to sell this?

You could just as easily re-position and sell it better with a more direct, offer driven promo... "6 Ways You Can Save $20,000 This Year!" Definitely the market for it, savings rate increased 4% last month, allegedly.

Food for thought anyway.

Colm

The concept is great but the copy has many issues. First, you make some serious accusations that you need to develop and prove. You're going to have to go into far more detail to make the sale. Facts, figures, proof, times, places, the works. Otherwise you come across as another nutball conspiracy guy.

The good news is, the supporting evidence is out there but your drive-by approach ain't gonna cut it. Spend some time doing extensive supportive research for your claims and then seriously consider hiring a professional copywriter.

I have no idea how good the product is but at $47 I think you're priced WAY high. Unless, of course, you can justify that price with your copy and the actual work. Good luck.

My question is, if this is supposed to be an energy niche product, why is there all that other stuff in there?

Also, your testimonials look fake, and you need to run it through a spellchecker. Patty from Missoury?

Be very careful about your health claims. That niche has a minefield of FDA/FTC regulations that can get you in big trouble.

Man, i personally agree with all you have to say including the accusation that swine flu was man made and all that. I am a big fan of conspiracy theories and have read a lot of them, so i can say that you are right to a big extent.

But you may need to provide evidence to support your claims.

Personally, I think you should compile a real informative report with the most basic things and give it away free. It can become viral!

I would minimize the shock with the obama h1n1 pic.

Although i'm a huge infowarrior at infowars, your average person who you are appealing to is trained to click off of sites with this sort of thing - you could be zapping a huge HUGE percentage of your potential visitors with this one change.

Instead, try something with stock photos of obama and his energy czar, which will peek anybody's interest, and you can still get your message across.... maybe the menacing looking ones that are still stock