First sales page - needs a critique from the experienced

31 replies
Hi Warriors,
I'm trying to write sales page to sell a clients book - this page is at http://www.magictoolstoovercomebully...audiobook.html

I just need some experienced sales page writers to critique it and help me out - this is my first one and thus there will be many errors. I tried to base the layout on some clickbank products of a similar nature.

Note that there is no final price yet - hence the lack of pricing.

Thanks,
Matt
#critique #experienced #page #sales
  • Profile picture of the author RentItNow
    Get rid of the ugly header (Website Graphics - Website Headers Suck!).

    You need a more compelling headline and subheadline. Something that describes why you are unique from every other product out there.

    I dont like this sentence, "
    If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, then we can help you."


    I dont even know you and you are telling me you can solve my issues. Build trust with them before making this claim.

    Give me a story about how your product is going to help me with my child that thinks she should see a physiologist because no one likes her and gets picked on (yet she constantly puts people down due to her superior IQ). Thats my problem, not that she is not coping well in life.

    You also need a more prominent and structured buy button. Look up belcher button.

    Just a few comments to get started.

    Best,
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    I have no agenda but to help those in the same situation. This I feel will pay the bills.
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  • Profile picture of the author mplatts
    Thanks John. The header is pretty ugly - have you split tested a sales page with/without a header to prove you don't need them? Also with the story, what perspective should I take - should I talk as though I am the authors, or just a third party?
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  • Profile picture of the author Dean Jackson
    You should space your copy out more, and use red headlines.

    I agree with the above suggestions too, especially the belcher button.

    If you are going to write a story, also write about how bullying affects children in later life with low self esteem etc etc
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  • Profile picture of the author RentItNow
    Yes tested many times. FREE Video: How To Rent Your House Now. House For Rent Secrets REVEALED! used to have a smaller header and got rid of. Had another one but it is temp. offline.

    I think people's fascination with graphics headers comes from branding experts saying it helps brand your site. Hogwash! You ain't Nike or Coke and no one is going to remember your graphics header so don't waste that super critical space with useless tag lines etc. Use it to grab their attention fast!

    It is ok to do a graphics header that is a little bit fancy text such as in this video blog post - Website Graphics: Website Graphics - Create Sales Page Headline Graphics Like the Pros

    As far as the story, I dont know about other people but I like to know the author went through something as well as the author's customers. Your own story is of course much more powerful especially the story of why you wrote the product in the first place. If it is an affiliate product, I would write a personal story of mine how the product changed my life - example: Blood Sugar Blog: Detailed Review of "How To Reverse Diabetes NOW!" by Matt Traverso

    By the way, this is a small item but you should have margins on the left and right of your page. People will tend to read a shorter (less words per line) paragraph without being intimidated.

    Good luck.
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    I have no agenda but to help those in the same situation. This I feel will pay the bills.
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  • Profile picture of the author activetrader
    From a consumer (I am a parent myself), I do not understand what your page is about until I read the whole thing. Your headline tells me absolutely nothing and I would not read any further. You need to state in your headline what your product is about.
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    • Profile picture of the author Collette
      Here's your first problem:

      [copy taken from your site]

      "The Audiobook is called "Magic Tools to Overcome Bullying". Don't be fooled by the name; this audiobook is not solely for kids that are being bullied, but provides principles and practices that can help any child or young teen towards a positive and confident life (even adults could get a few tips!)."
      Problem:
      Your letter copy is about one thing; your product contents are about another; and - the killer - your product name doesn't match what it delivers.


      This is an e-book/digital product. Retitle it to reflect the actual content. Get an additional domain name and separate site that clearly represents what your book is about.

      Then write your letter.

      It borders on marketing insanity that you have a domain that references 'bullying', a book title that talks about 'overcoming bullying' - and a product that is NOT focused on 'bullying'.

      People click on this site looking for information on bullying. The first thing your letter does is NOT give them the SPECIFIC information they're looking for.

      This is a surefire way to carpet-bomb conversions, yah?

      Always, always, always... start with the market.
      • Why are they looking for this solution?
      • What do they want the solution to do?
      • How does you solution solve their problem?
      If you have a product that does not solve the problem of your market:
      • Change the product, or
      • Change the market.
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  • Profile picture of the author Jo_Shua
    The big header graphic adds no value to your sales letter. Are there some successful sales letters which use graphic headers? Yes. Mostly these are graphic headers which adds value to the sales letter and most importantly to the headline...

    With a sales letter you do not want to take the attention away from the letter itself. A graphic headline tends to do this to the headline... perhaps the most important aspect of a sales letter.

    If that visitor comes to your site. Sees your graphic header. Reads it and is not interested. Within seconds he is gone... never to come back.

    Take that graphic header away and the first thing that visitor will see is your headline.

    Now, you have a shot at capturing their attention and pulling them into your sales letter. This is where you want the focus to be.

    Here is my suggestion: Do not tamper with header graphics until you get more proficient with your own copywriting skills.

    As you stated, this is your first sales letter to do for a client. Focus your attention on the sales letter and not branding the image. Don't let the brand get in the way of your sales...
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  • Profile picture of the author Broyde
    Just looking at it on first glance I would say do something with your header, and give yourself margins on both sides.
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  • Profile picture of the author mplatts
    Thanks for the help guys (and girls). This all makes sense and will do some fixing up. Yeah the header was there because the rest of the site had that head (but usually with navigation, which I turned off because another copyrighting place said they are distracting).

    Collette unfortunately the book has already been named and printed with that name. The book does help kids deal with bullying by using techniques that improve their whole life. I think the writers had a tough time including bullying in the title, but thought a bigger audience would be captured than just if it were titled a kids self help book...kids don't really want self help books I would say - people don't usually want to change things until something bad happens to them - hence the "bullying" inclusion. So I could just write about how it solves bullying - activetrader what did you think on the issue, being a mother? Should I play down the fact the book is focused more broadly as a self help book or just focus on explaining the anti-bullying aspects of it.

    Would it be wise for me to hire a copywriter on elance or something? How much would it cost to fix this up does anyone know?
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    • Profile picture of the author Collette
      Originally Posted by mplatts View Post

      Collette unfortunately the book has already been named and printed with that name.
      Then your copy is confusing to the reader. Worse, you're setting yourself up for poor conversions/instant refund requests. Here's why:

      In this day and age, when you say, "audiobook" on a web page, the reader is going to assume you mean, "instant gratification".

      When they click to purchase and realize that they have to wait for the 'reward', the majority of the prospects won't buy. They will go looking for something they can get NOW.

      In the event that the prospect somehow does not realize (from the order form) that they're not getting the product NOW, you're going to have a slew of emails to the effect of, "Dude, where's my book??? I want my money back!"

      You need to specify in your copy that the product is a 2-CD set. And that it will be 'immediately shipped directly to your door', etc. Along with the already printed supporting materials.

      Moreover, since it IS a CD set, that means the information is digital. In turn, that means your client can upload the audio file to the Web, and make this an "instantly downloadable" product.

      The fact that they've already printed covers for the CD sets doesn't mean diddly if they fail to sell any product. They're better off making a first-tier sale of the digital files for @ 2/3 of the physical version, and then making the physical version a second-tier up-sell for the price they're asking now.

      (a price which, BTW, I think is too high, based on the info you've got here. But that is another subject...)

      The biggest mistake you're making in your copy is a very, very common rookie mistake: You (and your client) are beginning from the perspective of your product, instead of the perspective of your prospect.

      The harsh fact is, your client should have gotten some decent advice before creating this product. Because, on the face of it, this is a product that could take off - IF it is presented to the market correctly.

      I'm about to be very blunt, so prepare yourself.

      You are not doing your client a favor by trying to write this copy yourself. You are not ready for this project. Yet.

      If this were your product and you wanted to learn by doing, I'd tell you to have at it.

      However, this is someone else's product, and they are depending on you to produce results. And I'm assuming they're paying you for your time and effort. You should not take their money when you can't (at this stage of your career) deliver the goods. It's not fair to the client.

      Hiring a $100 copywriter off of elance isn't really fair either, since elance is a crapshoot. Basically, you'd be playing Russian Roulette with your client's future.

      And if learning is what you want to do, you're not going to learn anything by having someone else write the letter for you.

      I know this all sounds very harsh, but I'm really trying to get you to get a bigger view of what you're trying to do here. You're obviously in over your head, and it's not entirely your fault. Your client should have positioned the product properly before creating and naming it. Basically, you got handed a pig in a poke.

      And now you're stuck with trying to put lipstick on that pig.

      Sucks to be you. However, as a professional, your ultimate job is to do what's best for your client. And, in some cases, this means telling the client that they need to 'fix' the product first.

      A copywriter who doesn't understand marketing is just a technician. They can 'just write words'. And there is limited vaue to your client, and to you, in that.

      In this case, most of the 'fix' is not really all that difficult. (see suggestions re: upload audio file, 2-tier structure, etc). Granted, you can't do anything about the title, but you can work around that.

      My suggestion would be to take your $100 or whatever budget you have, and your letter, and invest in a consulting session with a working pro. You want someone who understands copywriting and marketing.

      And, for now - forget the client. Consider it an investment in yourself.
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  • Profile picture of the author Nick Brighton
    Personally, I'd hire a copywriter.

    No offence, but this copy is way off the mark.

    The formatting is terrible, and the message is impersonal and vague.

    The title/header "Magic tools for for life - helping people create happy and amazing lives" could be a tagline for fundamentalist terrorism recruitment agencies through to pimps, ecstasy dealers through to spiritual healers...

    Things like "We know that parents are finding it harder and harder to raise life-loving, confident children. Luckily, we have a solution"

    ... is a basically making it sound like a bunch of people (we) communicating to nobody (parents)

    A better approach would be "My name is John. My wife and I have three kids in school right now. Just like you, we fully realize how serious bullying is, and why it's so important for us to know how to deal with it..."

    Needs to be more personal in the tone and grammar.

    But as I say, I think you need to do your client the justice of hiring them a copywriter who can at least give you a decent framework... and perhaps bring their copy back here for a further critique maybe?

    Good luck,

    Nick
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  • Profile picture of the author mplatts
    Thanks Nick for your honesty. I noticed other landing pages were using a much more personal tone but since I am a 23 year old with no kids I thought I might not connect very well with the target audience. Any recommendations on where to get a good copywriter (on the cheaper side - ie <100) ?
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    • Profile picture of the author wordwizard
      Hi,

      I just found this thread and agree with the suggestions above.

      A couple of additional comments:

      The letter needs to be written from the perspective of the author of the ebook. The "author" needs to connect with the parents and grab their attention (for the right reason). This is especially important with such a personal topic.

      About the confusion about whether or not that product is about bullying...

      Since the product IS on bullying, at least partially, and as indicated in the title, I'd focus on that aspect in the letter too. If it comes with more benefits, that's a bonus. You could mention that later, maybe, as a bonus of sorts, but for the majority of the letter, stay focused on bullying and the horrible things it can do to kids, and how it helps kids who are being bullied.

      That's my 2 cents...

      Also, all those questions in the beginning are all over the place. They need to focus the readers' attention and make them realize that OMG, I NEED that product!

      BTW, the print needs to be bigger, and yes, those margins need to be wider too, as others have pointed out. And the headline especially needs a lot of work (and be bigger too, not to mention red, as has also been pointed out).

      Good luck!

      Elisabeth.
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      • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
        Originally Posted by wordwizard View Post

        Hi,

        I just found this thread and agree with the suggestions above.

        A couple of additional comments:

        The letter needs to be written from the perspective of the author of the ebook. The "author" needs to connect with the parents and grab their attention (for the right reason). This is especially important with such a personal topic.

        About the confusion about whether or not that product is about bullying...

        Since the product IS on bullying, at least partially, and as indicated in the title, I'd focus on that aspect in the letter too. If it comes with more benefits, that's a bonus. You could mention that later, maybe, as a bonus of sorts, but for the majority of the letter, stay focused on bullying and the horrible things it can do to kids, and how it helps kids who are being bullied.

        That's my 2 cents...

        Also, all those questions in the beginning are all over the place. They need to focus the readers' attention and make them realize that OMG, I NEED that product!

        BTW, the print needs to be bigger, and yes, those margins need to be wider too, as others have pointed out. And the headline especially needs a lot of work (and be bigger too, not to mention red, as has also been pointed out).

        Good luck!

        Elisabeth.
        This promotion should be centered around a personal, touching story. Like it came out of Reader's Digest.


        ----------------------------

        Dear Parent,

        When I was a kid, from seven on up to about twelve, I was a victim of being bullied.

        It was no fun.

        I'm 23 now, but those days of being publicly humiliated and ridiculed had a lasting effect on me.

        That's why I decide to write this book.

        Many times I was scared to walk to school. I was scared even more to take the bus for fear of my life. I dare not take my bike.

        These kids were so mean!

        Vicious. Forever looking to dominate and make fun of me. I lived in fear. Making fun of my clothes or my haircut, it was torture. It was hell.

        I became withdrawn. I wasn't very good academically. And physically, I was a weakling.

        All during the school day, I felt like I had a target on my back. Even the girls laughed me.

        Truth me known I was a bit of a dork.

        My nose was broken by the time was eight. My Father tried to show me how to box and stand up for myself. It didn't work very well. I was too uncoordinated.

        It all made my Mom cry and my Dad furious.

        But then I learned something.

        I won't tell you what it is right now because it's a bit too personal, but by the time I was 12, it gave me the courage and confidence I needed. At a time I needed it most.

        It changed my life--forever.

        Best of all, I didn't have to fight. I didn't need to "win."

        In my new book, I'm going to share things about your son or daughter that you may not even know.

        For instance, when someone says "peer pressure", it's worse than you think. I'll go into detail on how to deal with your kid's peer pressure today in a positive way.

        It isn't hard, once you know how and you can teach it to your kids.

        After listening to my book, their lives could start changing as quickly tomorrow.

        -----------------------

        - Rick Duris


        PS: Ask me how I know all this...
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  • Profile picture of the author mplatts
    Thanks Elisabeth and Rick. You make a lot of sense Elisabeth, and I will change it to be from the bullying perspective with the extra stuff as a bonus. I'm not really sure how to fix up the opening questions to do as you said - any tips? Also the headline reference - do you mean the top purple "Magic Tools For Life" in the banner? Its just this is embedded in the rest of their site as branding - Others have said this should be scrapped...I'm still of the opinion a branded image adds to the trust of a product...but still can be convinced.

    Haha Rick I won't ask you how you know this. I see what you are getting at with the story and personal element - unfortunately I can't use that as I am not the author of the book. Will have a go at concocting something similar from the point of view of the real authors...or might just ask them to have a go!


    I have been doing some edits - the page is now here Magic Tools For Life
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    • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
      Originally Posted by mplatts View Post

      Haha Rick I won't ask you how you know this. I see what you are getting at with the story and personal element - unfortunately I can't use that as I am not the author of the book. Will have a go at concocting something similar from the point of view of the real authors...or might just ask them to have a go!
      Hi mplatts,

      Thank you and yes--do something similar.

      1. And no worries. I didn't intend for you to use it as is. You just needed an example.

      Of course, you want the integrity of the piece to shine through.

      2. While it may work, I think what's kinda bugging me about your current piece, is it's too "logical." It's like almost academic. Your clarity is awesome and you're concise, but being bullied is a extremely emotional subject.

      It's so personal. To watch someone go through it or to go through yourself, is heartbreaking.

      You feel like don't have a friend in the world.

      3. I realize it's hard enough to get one piece going, but I think you might want to 4 different variations:

      a. One for boys only
      b. One for girls only
      c. One written to a Mother
      d. One written to a Father.

      - Rick Duris

      PS: And Elisabeth--you inspired, because you nailed it too.
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  • Profile picture of the author mplatts
    I know all my posts start with this word, but again Thanks Rick. I think you can see how strong emotions can be in selling - something I need to get used to. You're analysis of it being almost academic doesn't surprise me - currently in my 5th and final year of university so perhaps stuck in some academic habits at the moment.

    I will write try to write another copy tomorrow with some more personal, emotional stuff and repost. The 4 variations thing sounds interesting and might be doable down the track if we can easily sort the traffic.
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  • Profile picture of the author Vitaliy K
    I think the page is too broad... make it shorter! I mean graphics.
    That´s my own opinion
    :-))
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  • Profile picture of the author mplatts
    Cheers Vitaliy K and Collete again. Vitaliy I posted a new version of the page where it is less broad (now 800px). Collete that is a long post - I hope it didn't take too much of your time. And it's ok I don't mind harsh. So you think I should just use the money to have a consulting session with a working pro? Do you have any suggestions or know a pro who might do this? Yes the client is paying me - they just told me to sell as many copies as I can, and to make decisions as whether to hire people or not; I wasn't really hired solely to "create a landing page". So I guess treat me as if it is my product.

    As for the book title - unfortunately will have to work with it - what did you think of wordwizards advice on focusing on the bullying solutions with the broader self-help aspect being a kind of bonus?

    I will keep hacking away at it anyway - there is enough advice in this thread to keep me going for now.
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  • Profile picture of the author Dan Axelrod
    First thing I noticed: It took me a few seconds to figure out what your page was about. That should never happen when you're writing copy.

    You need a strong eye-grabbing headline that makes it blatantly obvious what you're offering, and how it will benefit your consumer.

    How about...

    Develop a Loving Confidence In Your Child that Draws Friends, Impresses Teachers, and Compels Bullies To Bug Someone Else!

    Also, I'd suggest you'd have a short product description above the fold that's not necessarily in bullets. It's great to bullet features, but do that after a paragraph briefly describing what you're offering
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  • Profile picture of the author SVLABS
    I only just found this thread so I'm commenting based on how the page looks today.

    I'm not going to regurgitate all the things already said about headers and effective headlines. That's a given.

    As Rick has so fluently pointed out, emotions sell. So look at this with your own emotions, and just focus, for now at least, on the first list.

    Have you ever been in a conversation with a person who incessantly asks you question after question without pause? How about a sales person who does it? Makes you feel pretty uncomfortable right?

    Guess what? That's exactly what you've done through out your copy, but the biggest hit is that you open with a list of 7 questions. No answers. No solutions. Not even a hint of help or information. Kind of like if we'd just met and the conversation went something like;

    Hi, what's your name? You live around here? Where do you work? Been doing that long? Are you married? How many kids do you have? What car do you drive? What town do you live in? Can I borrow your car?

    About now would be the time you'd be thinking about punching me in the nose.

    So once again, as Rick pointed out, build some rapport and trust before you start trying to make them think and do stuff. They'll only react to your instructions if they believe you are on the same emotional level as they are.

    Why not try 2 powerful questions. Give a hint of a solution. Another question less intense in nature, with some real advice or exposure (sharing yourself through your story). Take them on an emotional roller coaster ride the finished with a nice soft landing (your book).

    Make yourself seem somehow vulnerable in your story, just the same as your customer is feeling. With that you have a connection, and a motivation to take action because people follow people that they perceive to be just like themselves.
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    • Profile picture of the author Collette
      Originally Posted by SVLABS View Post

      ...

      ...
      As Rick has so fluently pointed out, emotions sell.
      ...
      So once again, as Rick pointed out, ....
      So did several other posters. Long before.

      I'm just sayin'.
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      • Profile picture of the author Collette
        Originally Posted by mplatts View Post

        ...Also the headline reference - do you mean the top purple "Magic Tools For Life" in the banner? Its just this is embedded in the rest of their site as branding - Others have said this should be scrapped...I'm still of the opinion a branded image adds to the trust of a product...but still can be convinced....
        Brand only conveys trust if the trust has already been built.

        So, for example, an Apple logo conveys a certain level of performance. Ask the thousands of die-hard Apple users. Why so?

        Years of happily using an Mac.

        Ditto for Subaru. How so? Ask all the Subaru owners with 150K+ miles on the original engine.

        Etc, etc.

        You have to build a brand image. You have to give people a reason to believe in the brand. It doesn't just happen by slapping a logo up.

        Also: check your PMs, Matt. Got a prezzie for you.
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      • Profile picture of the author SVLABS
        Sorry didn't mean to offend, just that Rick put it out there in a very different way, with an example of some short copy.

        But you're an absolute wizard-jedi-zen-master copy writer too.
        ...just sayin'

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        • Profile picture of the author Collette
          Originally Posted by SVLABS View Post

          Sorry didn't mean to offend, just that Rick put it out there in a very different way, with an example of some short copy.

          But you're an absolute wizard-jedi-zen-master copy writer too.
          ...just sayin'

          No offense taken; personally, that is.

          I didn't make that point in my posts because others before me had already done so. And I think credit should be given where credit is due.

          All too often, people assume that if 'ordinary' folks say something about copy, what they say has no weight. Not so.

          Some of the best insights on copy will come from 'ordinary' folks. For example, several people mentioned that they couldn't immediately figure out what the page was about. Golden.

          And I don't know what your background is, but you made an excellent point about the Spanish Inquisition-feel of the opening. Golden.

          Lot of people here are over-focused on the 'How' - the tricks and 'secrets' and mechanics of writing copy.

          Yet what will really change their copy is understanding the 'Why'.

          P.S. Thanks for the luv. Wasn't what I was getting at, but much appreciated anyways.
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  • Profile picture of the author tz2010
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    • Profile picture of the author glennwpaul
      I have a school aged daughter. I've seen videos of kids getting beat up in school. I've read about Phoebe Prince who killed herself after being tormented, non stop for months, and school officials knew what was happening and did nothing. Or that cracked out mom that made up a myspace profile and cyber bullied some other girl till she killed herself. My heart just breaks when I look at my own daughter and then I think about the pain these other kids must have felt non stop that brought them to the point of KILLING themselves.

      You hit on that stuff and offer parents some REAL insite and you may have a winner here. As it is your page does nothing for me. You need to tap into that heatbreak that parents feel when they see or read about these things.

      I say forget about trying to make up a story about how you were bullyied ect ect. If the sale page author is a made up character and its insincere it will show in your sales copy. Maybe link to a video of a school beating. Shorten your sales copy and get right to the meat of it asap. I think you should focus on bullying. The other 'life enhancement' stuff is just fuff in my opinon. After getting right to the problem(bullying) show your product as a 'must have' reference for any parent. Thow out bullet points, with little hints of whats inside your book, like...

      "The one thing you MUST do before talking to your kids about bullying. If you don't do this your wasting your time. On Page 12."

      And some REAL testimonals. Give your book to some parents you know and ask for feedback. Use that as your testimonals. Some credentials would be nice too. Maybe you know a teacher or someone that works with kids that can say a few words about your product. Just don't go make sh*t up. Its easy enought to get real quotes for your website.

      Iam rambling on now...

      Just my 2 cents anyway. Best of luck to you.
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      • Profile picture of the author Collette
        This here, below, from gamehaunt... this right here...

        This. Is. PURE. GOLD.

        You could write ALL the copy just using this comment ALONE.

        I say this over and over again until I'm blue in the face: Listen to your prospect before you write a single word of copy.

        Finding your prospect's emotional sweet spot is NOT about making up stories or copywriting 'tricks' or fancy headlines or 'formulas' or any of the other stuff people like to jump to. Finding your prospect's emotional sweet spot is about listening.

        Most people (and copywriters) are so eager to tell everyone how much they know, they seldom listen.

        Originally Posted by gamehaunt View Post

        I have a school aged daughter. I've seen videos of kids getting beat up in school. I've read about Phoebe Prince who killed herself after being tormented, non stop for months, and school officials knew what was happening and did nothing. Or that cracked out mom that made up a myspace profile and cyber bullied some other girl till she killed herself. My heart just breaks when I look at my own daughter and then I think about the pain these other kids must have felt non stop that brought them to the point of KILLING themselves.

        You hit on that stuff and offer parents some REAL insite and you may have a winner here. As it is your page does nothing for me. You need to tap into that heatbreak that parents feel when they see or read about these things.

        I say forget about trying to make up a story about how you were bullyied ect ect. If the sale page author is a made up character and its insincere it will show in your sales copy. Maybe link to a video of a school beating. Shorten your sales copy and get right to the meat of it asap. I think you should focus on bullying. The other 'life enhancement' stuff is just fuff in my opinon. After getting right to the problem(bullying) show your product as a 'must have' reference for any parent. Thow out bullet points, with little hints of whats inside your book, like...

        "The one thing you MUST do before talking to your kids about bullying. If you don't do this your wasting your time. On Page 12."

        And some REAL testimonals. Give your book to some parents you know and ask for feedback. Use that as your testimonals. Some credentials would be nice too. Maybe you know a teacher or someone that works with kids that can say a few words about your product. Just don't go make sh*t up. Its easy enought to get real quotes for your website.

        Iam rambling on now...

        Just my 2 cents anyway. Best of luck to you.
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    I would start again. Nothing's working on this page. And BTW - it's "complements" not "compliments".

    Rick Duris has given you an excellent suggestion. That's the way to go. Here's a header you might like to use - "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me..." seguing into a subhead. Maybe "You believe that?" and then go straight into how bullying starts with name-calling and can then escalate into violence. You need some powerful graphics to go with it. Maybe start with a bullied child surrounded by other kids taunting him. Then other pics showing the same kid with a bloodied nose/crying/ripped clothes/etc.

    Get rid of that corny "ask yourself these questions". You just need a good story to get your reader interested from the off. Forget about the "sale". Concentrate on the bullying story. Then provide the solution. In a more upbeat rather than a typically Australian "she'll be right, mate" way. See what I mean? - "the audiobook itself, the benefits of which to some people are considered invaluable". Rewritten you could say something about "It comes as an audiobook so you can listen to it on your Ipod or MP3 player".
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  • Profile picture of the author mplatts
    Thanks for the additional comments...here I was thinking the thread was winding down. Will take it all into account and post a new version. Thanks collete for the prezzie
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    • Profile picture of the author Grace26
      Thanks Rick and all who contributed on this Thread.

      The information you provided is going to help me write my first sale page as well.

      Be blessed.
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